Making statements that imply you know we’re going to be together and it’s a matter of when I stop resisting the “truth” messes with my head. So many guys have done that. So either they’re all wrong or someone’s right, or I’m wrong or I’m right. Yes, maybe I find life so confusing that I would rather do nothing if I don’t know exactly what I should do. But I am not a passive person. So I have to believe that there is no right or wrong, but only that when I know, I’ll know. I would rather live out my life waiting only to find I waited too long and no one ever showed up, than settle and find my heart is not committed. I never want to resent someone I am supposed to love. I know I had a lot of conflicted feelings about my loved ones growing up. A strong love and loyalty, but also a lot of resentment and guilt. I know I sometimes have these feelings about myself, because I wasn’t able to eradicate the negative feelings and that was a huge source of inner conflict for a long time. I finally found a place where I can at least have space and perspective from those feelings. Or maybe all this is my compromise by using distance to protect myself from the anxiety that complex human emotions produces when people live in close proximity. The problem is that I like being alone. I’ve learned to thrive independently, ideally liking to be alone in crowds. But I take my anchors for granted. I know that without them, those at home who accept me and believe in me even though they cannot hang on to me, I would be lost at sea. I’m still trying to find that happy compromise. Or perhaps more accurately, find it within myself to be happy with the acceptance of a good compromise.
I think it’s also good that I’m surrounded at work with examples of good people so I never feel like going to one place every day is settling.