Echo

going back to cali!

dude, this is small stuff. you’re letting it worm into you. let people be wrong, or think whatever they want to think, or do whatever they want to do. your realm only extends as far as you and your own reactions. drop it. if you want to shoot every time you touch the ball, do it if it feels right. but you’re not going to sit here and look over your shoulder wondering what other people are up to. not when you have work to do on things that are more important and have more potential towards your own life. this is about letting go. the lesson has been about letting go for a month now. if people believe they’re right, let them. even if you think they’re wrong, let them. everyone is as much entitled to their wrong opinion as their right one. if people misunderstand you, let them. if people don’t like you, let them. if people want to compete with you, let them. not important. work only on the things and people that matter between where you are now and where you’re trying to go.

everything else is distraction.

i know what it is. treating me like i’m an idiot as a way of making me believe i’m not “as smart.” usually it happens when people are actually threatened. i’m irritated for a few reasons, but one of them is two conversations with the same person.

1. she asked me to keep the scoreboard score and i didn’t know how because i’ve never used the master box, and i don’t think she did either. i suspected that’s why she asked me to do it. the score was home 6, visitors 7. our team scores another basket. she says, “just add two points.” so i asked her, “are we home or visitors?” she says, “does it matter?” like i’m asking a really ridiculous question. and for a second i was confused because…it does matter. that information tells me which side to add the 2 points to, and which side to add subsequent points to. i had no idea where she was coming from.

2. we called a 3 down 2 up defense. that means 1-guard and 2-guard play up, the 3 and 4 and 5 play low. same girl usually plays low as the 3 and I play the 2. so when we called the defense she went to the 2-guard position, which is usually mine. i asked if she was going to play the 2 or 3 (shooting guard or small forward because it determines where your physical position is in the defense). and AGAIN, she says, “does it matter?” and it confused the hell out of me because which position you’re playing determines where you are in the defense, your actual physical location and role on the defensive (and offensive) end.

i think she’s fucking with me.

the other night, i had this guy try to tell me that i looked familiar, and i knew he was just spitting (idiotic) game. so i just looked at him like i wasn’t having it. then he tries to convince me that he knows me because “we dated last year.” like he actually thought he could plant enough doubt in my head that i might believe him.

it’s a power game. to see if you can get into someone’s head by planting something untrue. because if you can, this person is not sure of themselves and can be manipulated. it’s unethical and shows your own weakness if you’re resorting to it.

see, my mom is a good person to bounce this off of for clarity, to ask her for objective eyes because she’s the queen of interpersonal strategy. she makes sure she’s clear of any potential motive in a given situation. and i have trouble with clarity when it comes with the subtlety of power struggles with women. but my mom is the root of my issues with power struggles with women, in that when i was young, she established a baseline of normalcy that allowed for her to manipulate me if she needed, so while my instincts pick up on it and something ambiguous will bother me on an instinctive level, i have trouble seeing it/unraveling it as i would something with which i have more distance. my goal is to lead if i’m suited, allow others to lead if they are better suited, but never to dominate for the sake of dominating. i’m actually a good team player as i tend to put anything greater that i’m a part of first and i take care of my teammates, especially ones younger or weaker than me, but i also compete with myself to be the best i can be. but i seem to have trouble with women on my own team trying to dominate me or sabotage me.

i know i bring it up a lot, but it’s to remind me of an area of my blindness. when i was the captain of my high school basketball team, i took that seriously. loyalty and protectiveness are core facets of my personality. one of the girls on my team got in a fight with a girl on another team after a game, and i went to break it up and took a hard backhand for her. and i didn’t care because it’s part of standing by someone who’s on your team. but then a few months later, she knew that all i cared about was playing for the varsity softball team and while i had a good chance of making it, she probably wouldn’t…so she told everyone on the varsity team that during the basketball season, i’d been bragging about how i was the best player to ever come out of the school. yes, the problem was that i was very good and knew it. but she did blow it out of proportion and her goal was to cause a negative reaction towards me, and sure enough, i was physically confronted by the team, then banned from the team by the coach because, as he told my dad, “she doesn’t seem to get along with the other girls.” in hindsight, i see that girl clearly–her jealousy, her malevolence…she hated the way she felt about herself around me so she tried to make me believe a version of myself and reality that wasn’t true. and up until then, i never thought anything negative of her, and in fact, had been loyal to her because she was my teammate. i got hit from my blindside.

these days, i can’t always tell what it is exactly, but i get a feeling when something’s not right, when a reality someone’s presenting doesn’t jive. a lot of times, i defer, like i’ve been deferring to this “does it matter?’ girl. and then i realize, i’m losing my own ground. i’m allowing someone to shake my foundation, making me question myself.

yes, it does matter which team is guest or visitor when you’re running a scoreboard that’s already in play. yes, it matters what position you’re playing when you’re running an organized defense. i’m not an unintelligent person. but for someone to try to make me feel that way, especially when we’re supposed to be on the same side…makes me very suspicious of their character.

i’m letting the little things get to me. i think i’m being asked to learn how to deal with women, how to work with them, how to deal with the competition that arises, and what to do when they are passive aggressive. it’s always the queen bees or the wannabe queen bees that i have conflict with, even though it’s weird because i tend to defer unless they get too ridiculous. but i think they take that as a sign of weakness, because if they get increasingly bolder, rather than go head-to-head, i usually leave. but i think that leaving shouldn’t always be the answer, even if i believe that closing one door opens another so i don’t cling to things like they’re the last good thing to ever happen to me. but i think sometimes, it’s about establishing dominion, that i don’t necessarily care to dominate others, but while my intentions are usually to put a team first, i can’t let other people establishing domination for the sake of dominating push me away from my own dominion, where my strengths lay.

i’m probably irritated tonight because i think someone’s been playing a sneaky passive-aggressive game, and while i’m aware of them, i can’t really do anything about them because it’s hard for me to believe anyone would mess with me to mess with me even if the evidence is there, and it’s harder to put a name to it when it’s hidden under a smile and the context of comraderie. but my instincts are good. someone’s messing with me. and half of the problem is i’m letting them.

you know, i could never play under an organized system. it engages the thinking part of my brain when my instinctive part is the strongest. i always needed a lot of a freedom to be my best. and it was usually systems that trusted me that were rewarded. i can’t get discouraged. just know that this is not my best scenario to succeed, make the most of it, have fun, but don’t take it personally.

here’s what i’m going through now. i’ve definitely been feeling a little down and like my psychic antennae has been broken off and replaced with a carrot. i’ve been approaching it as hard work that needs to be done in my emotional life.

Saturn conjunction Moon: Self-criticism

Beginning of November 2009 until mid August 2010: During this time you will need to engage in deep introspection, self-examination and self-criticism. Quite possibly you will feel lonely and depressed. The way in which you handle this influence will have important consequences later for your physical and psychological well-being.

This is a good time for self-searching, so long as you are not judgmental. It doesn’t matter whether you are good or bad according to your ideals. The real question is what you are. This influence can help you find out. If you proceed from this point of view, it can be a very constructive time, even though it may be experienced as painful.

During this time you may withdraw from others, have difficulty in relationships – especially with women – experience depression and feel quite inferior to life’s demands. The best way to deal with this is not to take it all so seriously. Your perspective is warped, so that small matters seem too important. Do not make final decisions about your emotional life now. Wait until you can see more clearly what you have learned from this time.

If you have recently broken off a relationship it may be best to leave it that way. Do not make a real effort to put it back together until this time is over.

okay. here’s the plan.

my dad is on vacation in china.

his seats are right behind the warriors bench, so when he’s not there, i get his seat. he’s always on tv. a good staging point for a voice.

when we had that miraculous play-off run, that was fueled by the fans. we willed that into reality on the shoulders of baron davis and stephen jackson who became men amongst boys because of that faith. and fittingly, the movement was powered by two words– WE BELIEVE.

we even had t-shirts made, and the entire stadium was a sea of yellow with the words, WE BELIEVE.

our opponents were disconcerted. the w’s pull out an unprecedented defeat of a number one seed.

management has since gone back to its destructive proclivities, destroying the very heroes who carried us on our shoulders. they just shipped out stephen jackson to the junkyard of the league with a media dishonorable discharge. we do not treat our heroes this way.

i’ve got a new t-shirt. i’m thinking about gifting it to our whole section. stirring the seeds of revolution.

going back to fremont tomorrow for 10 days. may swing by LA, pack up some stuff. i think it’s funny that i spent my life trying to escape fremont, only to find the town i love most in seattle and where i spend most of my days, is also called fremont. but here, the natives have proclaimed their fremont, “the center of the universe.” it seems too strange to be coincidence that i took off for seattle and found myself another, more idyllic fremont, but hey, i’ll go with it. at the very least, i’ve found the center of the universe.

next, i’m looking for atlantis. i hear i’m a child of it.

they’ve got a lenin statue…

a giant rocket

and a giant troll living under the bridge

i waited outside for hours but didn’t see any meteors from the shower tonight. it’s overcast and raining here though. hope others had better luck.

i like good ambient artists like plaid or bonobo, who can take sounds or noise and give them rhythm and a sort of mathematical order. and somehow within that order, something greater with more continuity than the sum of parts comes to life. a living, breathing emotional depth.

bonobo’s dial “m” for monkey album is a great nighttime album. lyrical and eclectic. complementary to mental travels while the rest of the world sleeps below:

i highly recommend the album spokes by plaid. i didn’t know anything about them, except a few years ago, i saw a listing for an industrial-urban performance art series at the disney music hall, and the plaid show looked interesting. so i went having no idea what to expect. the music was accompanied by incredible visualizations. i distinctly remember being convinced that this was a mass brainwashing. this album is a great one to listen to at night. it’s hypnotic.

this video kind of scares the shit outta me (zeal by plaid):

always loved walking in the rain.

took a beautiful walk home from tonight’s show (audion). i love watching blanketing drops fall against sodium vapor, wet pavement reflecting city lights, a good steaming pothole. sirens in the distance but here, the silence a song. i love how clean the air smells, how the world feels so counted and collected, everything with eyes existing right here in the breathelessness of this moment. the tabula rasa of rain.

electric…through my fingertips.

i wasn’t able to enjoy the office the last few seasons because michael scott was too close an impersonation of my boss, and it made going to work slightly more miserable knowing that i worked for a parody. but with distance, i’ve been catching up through netflix. here’s his life philosophy as quoted to his boss:

Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone…for any reason ever no matter what. No matter where or who or who you were with or where you are going or…where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason whatsoever.

that’s pretty good writing.

i remember when my friend sarah met the guy i was dating at the time. sarah knew me when we were 12 to 14, before she and her family moved to florida our sophomore year of high school. she loves to embarrass me by telling people about how i was in junior high. that night, she asked him how he and i got together. he told her it wasn’t easy, that i made him work for it. she told him not to worry, that i’m always mean to the boys i like. that in junior high, if i liked someone, the way i would show it was by ignoring him and swearing to the death that i didn’t like him. even though i did.

so if she’s got you confused, you’re probably in good standing, she said.

i would like to think i’ve grown a lot as a person since my pre-teen years. but let’s be real. i still have trouble having appropriate reactions when i’m interested in someone.

this guy kind of ran away yesterday. the majority of me doesn’t care, but i know there’s a part that’s been feeling bad. i was at a music show i read about in the weekly that sounded interesting. i watched this guy with dark brown hair and a warm smile talking to a shorter, feisty guy, and i wondered if they were gay guys on a date or just friends. i was hoping to talk to him, and i smiled at him when our eyes met. his smile back made me dizzy with giddiness. he asked if he could join me and we talked, but i was feeling really shy because i’d been wanting him to come over, but now that he was here, i hadn’t thought anything else through. the music started so i stopped talking or looking at him and just focused on the stage. we sat there in silence for a few songs and then he suddenly gives me this little wave and walks right out of the building, giving me a sidelong glance before he disappears out the door. he seemed kind of offended.

it’s a shame. it was a good opportunity for two people with certain similarities to get to know each other. people so rarely give me the benefit of the doubt that i might be someone who needs a little coaxing to get out of her shell.

i thought i’d clicked to play today’s song and it somehow led me to this link. i have no idea what i clicked.

Who, if I cried out, would hear me among the angels’ hierarchies?
and even if one of them pressed me suddenly against his heart:
I would be consumed in that overwhelming existence.
For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror, which we are still just able to endure,
and we are so awed because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
Every angel is terrifying.
And so I hold myself back and swallow the call-note of my dark sobbing.
Ah, whom can we ever turn to in our need?
Not angels, not humans, and already the knowing animals are aware
that we are not really at home in our interpreted world.
Perhaps there remains for us some tree on a hillside, which every day we can take into our vision;
there remains for us yesterday’s street and the loyalty of a habit so much at ease
when it stayed with us that it moved in and never left.
Oh and night: there is night, when a wind full of infinite space gnaws at our faces.
Whom would it not remain for–that longed-after, mildly disillusioning presence,
which the solitary heart so painfully meets.
Is it any less difficult for lovers?
But they keep on using each other to hide their own fate.
Don’t you know yet?
Fling the emptiness out of your arms into the spaces we breathe;
perhaps the birds will feel the expanded air with more passionate flying.

-rainer maria rilke, duino elegies

this is what i imagine god looks like. except his light is blue, not red.

read this when i’m smarter.

i understand that my weakness is often that i can’t see what’s right in front of me, or what is most obvious. i have blindspots. sometimes i need trustworthy people to help me out by telling me what i’m not seeing.

There’s an urban legend that when the Indians first saw Columbus’s ships, they weren’t able to perceive the ships because they were nothing they’d ever encountered in their world. The validity of the story is often debated, but i think what the story really opens a discussion for is the idea of perception. a guy posting as silas sparkhammer on the snopes boards had some good comments:

Again, go into a forest (if you have never been in one) and you will have a great deal of difficulty finding your way around. This confusion won’t last for mere seconds, but for hours and hours. It takes time for the brain to figure out entirely new patterns.

Take someone who doesn’t know how to play chess. Take another person who is a master of the game. They both see exactly the same light patterns reflecting off of the pieces on the board…but they perceive *very* different things.

There’s also this experiment in visual cognition. Check it out. Did you see it? I saw it.

And that’s the thing. Perceiving people on multiple levels. Keeping an eye out for the WTF.

Last night, when I was out people watching, I was thinking about those Indians not recognizing the boats. Maybe there are certain people who are around in your world, but you can’t see them because you haven’t enough perspective to recognize them. So you recognize they’re people, but you don’t really “see” them. But when you get into a different place, different eyes, different frames of reference, you can suddenly recognize them. Through your connection with them, they suddenly bring your life to a different level.

maybe the most unselfish thing the sun can do is keep his distance, knowing that drawing things towards him, even if he’s choking with loneliness, would be catastrophic.