Echo

be trustworthy and your people will give you their trust.

the biggest story of the night, those two made free throws. you don’t know how positive of a sign this is. my energies were very collected today. high levels of clarity and focus.

stubbornness is just a symptom. sometimes it’s the sign of someone who fears change. sometimes it’s the by-product of determination + persistence–a will to achieve. i imagine most highly successful people are hard to live with, difficult to leave. we’re like vortexes of power–we believe in things so strongly that they often become real. who doesn’t want to be around someone who seems capable of magic?

you know what my brother’s nickname is for me?

“stubborn girl”

maybe i can’t, as long as i value my freedom first and foremost.

a lot of people want love from me. but i can only give it for a short time, or from a great distance.

one is time, one is space.

how can i change the correlation?

how can i achieve my greatest inspirational potential and also maintain a self-contained and intimate personal life?

scorpio, if you can put down your ego and trust me to lead, you will make me a better leader and you will thrive in your role protecting me. i need you, but only the way it is meant to be.

it’s not always the most vocal people who know best.

vet who you follow.

my pre-game ritual?

i dance.

you must not order the men to sacrifice for you.

they will only sacrifice for you if this has become their instinct.

a general’s job is to cultivate that instinct. a general’s job is to reach deep inside until there is only one voice.

they must believe this is their will. they must believe, in something beyond themselves.

what happens next, depends on the nature of the general.

i was thinking the other night that what i need is a loyal watchdog type. what my leopard used to symbolize for me. every queen must have a trusted man who protects her and carries out her will.
then last night, i dreamed of fighting evil shadow figures alongside snake eyes from gi joe. that was really cool. i had ninja skills just like him, except i could make things happen with just my mind. and we both wear black.

today– 3-6 FG, 2-2 FT for 8 points, 4 rebounds, 6 assists, 2 blocks, 5 fouls for the win. despite…an early shoulder dislocation that popped back in quickly.

most importantly, i played with confidence, showed great leadership and got my teammates involved. and i didn’t let the irritating girl get to me.

our women’s team finally won a game!

i also think this one ref is in love with me. i do flirt with him though. one of the jobs of a team captain is always to get the refs on your side of objectivity… ;)

i can’t wait for my shoulder to get fixed and i can really go after the shotblocking. our center was absent so my teammates wanted me to do the opening tip because i can jump. that was very flattering.

i was shooting out of my mind yesterday, beating 3 guys at HORSE twice in a row despite my shoulder dislocating again. i actually beat them after it dislocated and having to pop it back in, which was the craziest part. the pain was killer last night so i had a hard time sleeping. went back and played today. as i was leaving the house for the gym, i remembered the dream i had last night. i really want a job. but sometimes i think the universe does whatever it wants with me, so that hasn’t been in the books for me right now. so in my dream, i somehow got a job waitressing at houston’s, which is where reggie used to work, but this was in another city–sf or seattle maybe. so we show up for this training meeting, but it was really vague. they just told us to go to it like we should already know what to do, but since i’ve never waitressed before, i was lost. i dropped a plate and thought i was going to get fired, that the boss must think i’m an idiot. i kept saying to myself, i have an IQ of 154, i’m not an idiot…repeating it over and over. the guy in charge turned out to be really nice and encouraging, and when i woke up, i realized i would really like to work for someone who wants to see me succeed for a change (i tend to work for people who want me to do well on one hand, but also resent me doing too well on the other).

but then going to play basketball again the day after a painful dislocation, whatever my IQ score, is really stupid. but basketball is an addiction for me.

i played 2 on 2 then 3 on 3. i was ridiculous. the 3 on 3 game was tough because i had a guy guarding me who was about 6’2 and long and quick off his feet. he was like an asian kevin durant. he did block one of my shots, so i had to release quick and high. there was one play where i drove left, then crossed behind my back throwing my guy into a righ-hand screen and just launched as soon as i picked up the ball instead of driving. i basically had to shoot over my defender and my own teammate, going from picking up the ball directly off a behind the back cross straight up, which is incredibly awkward and difficult, but it went in clean. there was a collective “whoa.” i’m pretty sure i couldn’t even see the basket over my guy, but it still went in. i made a couple more ridiculous shots crossing over directly into a shot over my defender, and two slashes to the basket.

i think the difference is confidence. when i feel in control, time moves slower, and i can see more options. that’s why i like 2 on 2 or 3 on 3–less people means less feet, means i’m less worried about getting feet under me and hurting my knee so less anxiety. but even the full court games i played the other day when people kept asking me what college i play for…i was just overall really calm and in control. it’s so much about mindset, not panicking, just feeling like you’ll have enough time and space to do what you need to do.

i also notice that when i’m playing my game, feeling in control and showing leadership so my teammates can trust me, the team tends to win.

i’ve always found basketball to be such a metaphor to life. it’s a game of rhythm as much as it’s speed, strength and skill. the greeks believe a strong body makes a strong mind. basketball involves both. i’ve noticed that you can learn a lot about a person from watching them play basketball (did you know that when my dad and i play 2 on 2, he likes to shoot it himself rather than pass to me?), and a lot of the mentality of basketball translates to life. the more i’m going with the flow and letting the game come to me so i can optimize my potential within the context of the game, the more i can recognize the same feeling when i’m going with the flow and making the most out of “openings” in life.

i ran into one of my cousins last week at a warriors game. i haven’t seen her in a couple of years. she’s a fellow gemini and we’ve always had a great relationship. she came up to me and i totally didn’t recognize her because she looked so much older (she was 16 the last time i saw her). she looked about 25. she’s going to berkeley now and her claim to fame is that she’s kobe’s personal translator for chinese.

we were catching up and she said the last time she saw me, i was with a black guy. i told her we’d broken up years ago, but on friendly terms.

she leans in close and whispers, “is it true, once you go black, you never go back?”

“i don’t know,” i said.

“were you able to go back?”

i think about it. “i guess i kind of ejected. i went european.”

Maybe next lifetime
Possibly…
Until then old friend, your secret is safe with me

heading back to seattle tomorrow.

get back in your cave, julia.

today i was sitting in a deli doing my free-write, and listening to four engineers discuss their daughters. one of them said that his daughter argues about everything. sometimes, she has no idea what she’s talking about and still argues for the sake of arguing. another said that he and his wife know another couple who have a daughter the same age as theirs, so they’ll get together sometimes and discuss. have you guys come up with any answers?, one of the engineers asked. no, he said, no answers, but it’s nice to commiserate with people going through the same things.

i was listening to the conversation and laughing inside. these poor guys. here they are, each one having finally found a woman they can understand enough to marry, and along come daughters that are even more confounding.

women are perpetually mysterious creatures to men. i mean, life comes through us–that’s how powerful we can be. but it’s like taming a river…you just can’t. the best you can do is go with it, and try to steer away from any sharp, pointy objects that may lead to gaping flesh wounds.

love is not possessive or selfish. love is the river that flows underground so serenely you forget its presence, until the nights you lose yourself in restless sleep, and it slips into your room, a familiar stranger, one cool hand taking yours, leading your dreams out of shadow towards moonlight.

on saturday i went to the warriors/magic game. we’d run into my uncle while waiting in line for food, my mom’s younger brother who has a bitter rivalry with my dad. so i told him i would treat him. he gave me his order but later came back and said, “no, i should be buying for you guys,” realizing that he was the adult in this situation (the old chinese hierarchy. the eldest always pays). but i told him i insisted, that it’s rare that i get an opportunity to treat him.

“but just remember, if i ever get arrested and can’t find my parents, you’re bailing me out of jail,” i said, and he laughed.

the truth is this. at the game last week, i was sitting with my dad and when the game ended, my dad took off towards the exit. he gets stressed about getting out to the car quickly after games, or else you get stuck in traffic. my dad can get anxious about these things. he’ll get really mad if we have to go to the bathroom afterwards which would delay us getting out to the parking lot and beating the crowd, so we all know to either go before the game is over, or wait until we get home. my mom always says, it’s his anxiety. think of it as an illness–he can’t help it.

so my dad takes off and people are spilling into the aisle so i fall further and further behind him. granted, he does look back once, but he’s pretty much just hauling ass towards the exit without me. i run into my uncle and say hi, and we exchange comments about the game. he’s quiet so i don’t know if he wants to walk with me or not, so i just hurry ahead to try to catch my dad, but he’s lost in the crowd. i’m walking and my uncle catches up to me, and it’s nice because i guess he doesn’t mind walking out with me, so we walk together and chat, and as we get close to the parking lot, i see my dad waiting. he sees that i’m with my uncle, so just turns around and leaves. i’m sure he thinks i’m a traitor.

my mom has said for years that the reason my uncle treats me badly is because he sees me as an extension of my dad, that i’m on my dad’s side. but i’ve said for years that both men are strong personalities who have both had fault, and are both equally responsible for keeping this feud alive. i don’t stand one way or another except objectively where i can see how this feud stays alive, and how it would need to be bridged, with both sides exercising some humility and a willingness to work it out. i’ve never disliked my uncle, just like i don’t not-love my dad. i just hated some of the ways they have treated me in the past. but i’m one of those people who, if you’re nice to me in the present and mean it, then the past doesn’t matter anymore. i can have a very short memory for bad things when there are positive bridges in the present. it’s only when the bad in the past is sustained in the present.

so my uncle and i had a pleasant conversation that night, and later i told my mom about how my dad took off without me, and it was my uncle who walked me out to the parking lot. and how my dad would probably hold this against me because i was talking to my uncle. she sighed and said, no one is all bad, and no one is all good. you just have to know when some things are just the way they are, and not take them personally. just see the good where you can.

so at the game on saturday, i bought my uncle his meal and we were sitting next to him this game, so it was nice to bond. again, as long as he’s nice to me in the present, all that stuff in the past doesn’t matter to me. i care more for building a positive bond in the here and now, than carrying around the negative weight of the past. people change, life changes, and if you allow things to change for the positive, there really isn’t more that you can ask for.

after the game, i drove out to san francisco for josh and his fiance’s house party. his fiance’s threatened by me. my mom even noticed it when they sat with us at a game, but she had a good point–his fiance probably had never heard of me, never even knew josh had a friend named julia, and all of a sudden, the year they get engaged, i suddenly show up and i’m so well-liked that she’s probably like, “where the fuck did this chick come from.” i have no beef with her though and i’m loyal to josh–whatever makes him happy is what i want for him, so i just ignore it, pretend i don’t notice, am respectful and go with it. but to be honest, i had been nervous about the potential drama coming to this party, but i endured it with grace and discipline and had some really amazing connections that night.

some background–i’ve known josh since high school. he sat in front of me our last year in english class and i remember him with baggy t-shirts, curly hair, always squatting instead of sitting in his desk, tapping away furiously with his fingers. he was a bassist in a band, and had offered to teach me how to play guitar. he would always come to the parties at my house, but after college started, i lost touch with him until a couple of years ago, when i got a message from him over myspace asking me if i had been at a warriors game. he happened to see me, and we got back in touch.

at the party, i found out that josh’s dad had passed away 10 years ago, when he was a freshman in college. that coincided with the time i lost touch with him. i’d been wondering what it was, that deep, secret seed of pain inside him, that made his insides feel like they were always in motion, hiding something. we’ve hung out a few times the past year, and i’ve always felt like there was some deep truth that wasn’t being spoken about, and that i always wanted to give him a really long hug but couldn’t justify it with reason. i just didn’t know what it was. when i found out, i wanted to give him a big long hug, but was afraid his fiance might be close to some kitchen knives, so we had a group hug between josh, satish and i.

later, satish and i were sitting on a couch and he pointed to josh and said, “right there, that’s a really good guy. Just an honestly good person.” i felt emotion rise up in my chest, tears well up, and was about to tell satish the story, when josh came up and we talked about something else.

at the end of the night, satish and i were standing on the sidewalk outside, the only light from distant stars…so dark, i couldn’t even see his eyes. just a glint, now and then through shadows.

we talked about time, and life challenges and perspective. about memory, and how each person has such a narrow perspective inside an experience, but once they step beyond it, they realize things that were so clear all along, but which they were too close to see.

i didn’t know satish at all in school…at least not personally. he was a year above, and was really popular. but what i remember was his smile, and that he was a nucleus–a magnetic force that brought people together.

there was a quiet lull. i could feel him smiling in the dark. a lot of memories had come up at this party…maybe because it was a holiday party and these are the times when the past seems to resurrect and thread together with the present like early morning winter fog, or maybe because i was spending time with people i had basically grown up with, and i realized now, i never really got to know.

“do you remember when you said josh is a good guy?” i asked sat.

“he is. he’s a really good guy.”

i had told sat earlier tonight that i’d had a really hard time in high school. being bullied, from students to even teachers. at the same time (what i didn’t tell him), was my home life was imploding with my parents’ violent screams in the next room, and my brother’s night-time seizures that would scare me into thinking at any moment, i could lose someone i loved as easily as a switch being flipped. i’d left home twice when it got too violent, sleeping in my car and showering at the gym, but still going to school, and the one time my parents reported it to school, was terrorized by the school’s liason police officer. they sent me to a psychiatrist who told me sh
e would hospitalize me if i pulled any more shit at home, but throughout all this, not a single person ever asked me what was wrong. not a single person asked me questions. it was a really hard time, my last year of high school.

memory is a funny thing…i’m told i have a very good memory, but it’s random things i remember, or things that were in some way important to me. in this moment, i really wanted to share what connected josh to me in my mind.

“the thing is,” i told sat, “i don’t really know josh. i mean, we were friends in high school our last year because we sat next to each other in english and he would come to my parties. i don’t know why, maybe because i was friends with aubrey and they’d had a falling out that i didn’t realize, but…i didn’t really know josh that well. but the one thing i do remember is this…high school was really rough and there were plenty of people who were mean to me and gave me a really hard time. but the one thing i could always count on, was josh being nice to me.”

i was happy we were standing in the dark. i’m glad he couldn’t see my eyes, wouldn’t ask me to put into words all the feelings behind them. but it’s like that–sometimes, you don’t even know someone, but it’s the kindness that they show you, particularly in your darkest moments, a kindness that is so natural for them they aren’t even particularly aware of it, that can sustain you in the deepest of places.

this is why it means a lot to me for him to be happy. he was a point of light in a very dark time for me. it’s important to me that in life, he gets back the kindness he gives.

i can see the future. i’m just waiting for the part where you walk into it.