Echo

on saturday i went to the warriors/magic game. we’d run into my uncle while waiting in line for food, my mom’s younger brother who has a bitter rivalry with my dad. so i told him i would treat him. he gave me his order but later came back and said, “no, i should be buying for you guys,” realizing that he was the adult in this situation (the old chinese hierarchy. the eldest always pays). but i told him i insisted, that it’s rare that i get an opportunity to treat him.

“but just remember, if i ever get arrested and can’t find my parents, you’re bailing me out of jail,” i said, and he laughed.

the truth is this. at the game last week, i was sitting with my dad and when the game ended, my dad took off towards the exit. he gets stressed about getting out to the car quickly after games, or else you get stuck in traffic. my dad can get anxious about these things. he’ll get really mad if we have to go to the bathroom afterwards which would delay us getting out to the parking lot and beating the crowd, so we all know to either go before the game is over, or wait until we get home. my mom always says, it’s his anxiety. think of it as an illness–he can’t help it.

so my dad takes off and people are spilling into the aisle so i fall further and further behind him. granted, he does look back once, but he’s pretty much just hauling ass towards the exit without me. i run into my uncle and say hi, and we exchange comments about the game. he’s quiet so i don’t know if he wants to walk with me or not, so i just hurry ahead to try to catch my dad, but he’s lost in the crowd. i’m walking and my uncle catches up to me, and it’s nice because i guess he doesn’t mind walking out with me, so we walk together and chat, and as we get close to the parking lot, i see my dad waiting. he sees that i’m with my uncle, so just turns around and leaves. i’m sure he thinks i’m a traitor.

my mom has said for years that the reason my uncle treats me badly is because he sees me as an extension of my dad, that i’m on my dad’s side. but i’ve said for years that both men are strong personalities who have both had fault, and are both equally responsible for keeping this feud alive. i don’t stand one way or another except objectively where i can see how this feud stays alive, and how it would need to be bridged, with both sides exercising some humility and a willingness to work it out. i’ve never disliked my uncle, just like i don’t not-love my dad. i just hated some of the ways they have treated me in the past. but i’m one of those people who, if you’re nice to me in the present and mean it, then the past doesn’t matter anymore. i can have a very short memory for bad things when there are positive bridges in the present. it’s only when the bad in the past is sustained in the present.

so my uncle and i had a pleasant conversation that night, and later i told my mom about how my dad took off without me, and it was my uncle who walked me out to the parking lot. and how my dad would probably hold this against me because i was talking to my uncle. she sighed and said, no one is all bad, and no one is all good. you just have to know when some things are just the way they are, and not take them personally. just see the good where you can.

so at the game on saturday, i bought my uncle his meal and we were sitting next to him this game, so it was nice to bond. again, as long as he’s nice to me in the present, all that stuff in the past doesn’t matter to me. i care more for building a positive bond in the here and now, than carrying around the negative weight of the past. people change, life changes, and if you allow things to change for the positive, there really isn’t more that you can ask for.

after the game, i drove out to san francisco for josh and his fiance’s house party. his fiance’s threatened by me. my mom even noticed it when they sat with us at a game, but she had a good point–his fiance probably had never heard of me, never even knew josh had a friend named julia, and all of a sudden, the year they get engaged, i suddenly show up and i’m so well-liked that she’s probably like, “where the fuck did this chick come from.” i have no beef with her though and i’m loyal to josh–whatever makes him happy is what i want for him, so i just ignore it, pretend i don’t notice, am respectful and go with it. but to be honest, i had been nervous about the potential drama coming to this party, but i endured it with grace and discipline and had some really amazing connections that night.

some background–i’ve known josh since high school. he sat in front of me our last year in english class and i remember him with baggy t-shirts, curly hair, always squatting instead of sitting in his desk, tapping away furiously with his fingers. he was a bassist in a band, and had offered to teach me how to play guitar. he would always come to the parties at my house, but after college started, i lost touch with him until a couple of years ago, when i got a message from him over myspace asking me if i had been at a warriors game. he happened to see me, and we got back in touch.

at the party, i found out that josh’s dad had passed away 10 years ago, when he was a freshman in college. that coincided with the time i lost touch with him. i’d been wondering what it was, that deep, secret seed of pain inside him, that made his insides feel like they were always in motion, hiding something. we’ve hung out a few times the past year, and i’ve always felt like there was some deep truth that wasn’t being spoken about, and that i always wanted to give him a really long hug but couldn’t justify it with reason. i just didn’t know what it was. when i found out, i wanted to give him a big long hug, but was afraid his fiance might be close to some kitchen knives, so we had a group hug between josh, satish and i.

later, satish and i were sitting on a couch and he pointed to josh and said, “right there, that’s a really good guy. Just an honestly good person.” i felt emotion rise up in my chest, tears well up, and was about to tell satish the story, when josh came up and we talked about something else.

at the end of the night, satish and i were standing on the sidewalk outside, the only light from distant stars…so dark, i couldn’t even see his eyes. just a glint, now and then through shadows.

we talked about time, and life challenges and perspective. about memory, and how each person has such a narrow perspective inside an experience, but once they step beyond it, they realize things that were so clear all along, but which they were too close to see.

i didn’t know satish at all in school…at least not personally. he was a year above, and was really popular. but what i remember was his smile, and that he was a nucleus–a magnetic force that brought people together.

there was a quiet lull. i could feel him smiling in the dark. a lot of memories had come up at this party…maybe because it was a holiday party and these are the times when the past seems to resurrect and thread together with the present like early morning winter fog, or maybe because i was spending time with people i had basically grown up with, and i realized now, i never really got to know.

“do you remember when you said josh is a good guy?” i asked sat.

“he is. he’s a really good guy.”

i had told sat earlier tonight that i’d had a really hard time in high school. being bullied, from students to even teachers. at the same time (what i didn’t tell him), was my home life was imploding with my parents’ violent screams in the next room, and my brother’s night-time seizures that would scare me into thinking at any moment, i could lose someone i loved as easily as a switch being flipped. i’d left home twice when it got too violent, sleeping in my car and showering at the gym, but still going to school, and the one time my parents reported it to school, was terrorized by the school’s liason police officer. they sent me to a psychiatrist who told me sh
e would hospitalize me if i pulled any more shit at home, but throughout all this, not a single person ever asked me what was wrong. not a single person asked me questions. it was a really hard time, my last year of high school.

memory is a funny thing…i’m told i have a very good memory, but it’s random things i remember, or things that were in some way important to me. in this moment, i really wanted to share what connected josh to me in my mind.

“the thing is,” i told sat, “i don’t really know josh. i mean, we were friends in high school our last year because we sat next to each other in english and he would come to my parties. i don’t know why, maybe because i was friends with aubrey and they’d had a falling out that i didn’t realize, but…i didn’t really know josh that well. but the one thing i do remember is this…high school was really rough and there were plenty of people who were mean to me and gave me a really hard time. but the one thing i could always count on, was josh being nice to me.”

i was happy we were standing in the dark. i’m glad he couldn’t see my eyes, wouldn’t ask me to put into words all the feelings behind them. but it’s like that–sometimes, you don’t even know someone, but it’s the kindness that they show you, particularly in your darkest moments, a kindness that is so natural for them they aren’t even particularly aware of it, that can sustain you in the deepest of places.

this is why it means a lot to me for him to be happy. he was a point of light in a very dark time for me. it’s important to me that in life, he gets back the kindness he gives.