Echo

What Is This World Coming to…

Weekend Recap

I’ve been suffering from AFNGR–anxiety for no good reason. I can’t seem to figure out what bug crawled up my ass, but I’ve been going to bed with this sense of dread, that I really fucked up on something but I can’t remember what.

Is it the money issue–how my money got locked up in a new savings account that I forgot to link to my checking, an oversight that will take 7-10 days to remedy, coming at an unfortunate time when I have bills in the thousands due 6 days before I’ll have enough money to cover them? Compounded by this ridiculous speeding ticket that I now have to fight?

Is it the girls basketball team that I’m trying to start, when I get plenty of emails from girls who are interested in playing but who don’t want to commit? Am I actually stressed because I have a bad feeling about playing, considering basketball has led to 3 out of 5 of my knee surgeries? Am I feeling bad because I arranged to shoot around with one of these prospective girls today, but we missed each other after she made the hour-long drive from Orange County, due to her waiting in the parking lot of the entire complex while I waited outside the actual gym within the complex? Am I upset because she left me a long, angry message about how not cool I was for making her drive so far and then bailing, when in fact, I’m a bit irritated about why she wouldn’t think to actually go to the entrance of the gym rather than the large parking lot used collectively by all the other large stores and vendors?

Maybe I’m feeling overwhelmed about needing to talk to my boss about how it’s not cool anymore that he’s underpaying me for my position, let alone the fact they’ve tacked on the responsibilities of two other job positions, while meanwhile, the girl who comes in an hour late and leaves an hour early is complaining that I don’t seem busy enough.

Maybe I’m just feeling generally overwhelmed.

Maybe I’m freaked out because someone invited me over to his house to hang out tonight and the thought of being alone with a guy I could actually like made me nervous, and that upset me that I would get so nervous. Maybe I hate the fact that an invitation like that stirs up all of my defenses that tell me my #1 priority is to get OUT of the invitation, even though I know it makes no sense. Maybe there’s no cure for how shy I am when I’m in one-on-one situations, and being so much better at hiding it in public makes it only so much worse.

Maybe the fact that pretending my dad doesn’t exist makes it easier for me to not think about it, but is actually making me crazy with guilt.

Maybe I just need a big fat Time-Out so I can get my X’s and O’s straight or at the very least, figure out which basket I should be shooting at.

And by the way, happy Venereal Day.

Cool things about the weekend:

Urethra, Thode, An Unnamed Librarian and An Unnamed Blogger embarked on a life of crime this Saturday night. They were recruited by a seductive Swede named Svetka. The unruly quartet also attempted to start a brawl with a Birthday Girl in a shiny aqua halter top, but the Birthday Girl’s inability to put together nouns and verbs in a logical order defused the situation. West Hollywood is on high alert. Warrants have been issued for Lucy Liu, Lisa Ling and mysterious blonde who goes by the alias, Uma.

I was marathoning The Shield, Season 2 this weekend when in one episode, the crew breaks into an apartment to apprehend the brother of a gang leader. I wasn’t paying too much attention (folding laundry at the time) when the brother started screaming something and I realized, I know that voice. They brought him in for interrogation and I was right–there was my friend Reggie, Mr. Smiley, crying like a little bitch the moment a menacing Michael Chiklis got in his face. I was proud of him though. Even though he weeps like such a pretty lady.

I spilled my coffee at the Coffee Bean today. This cute guy who works there (who we actually saw at the bar last night!) helped me clean it up and remade the drink for me. I wish he hadn’t been so cute. It made me feel more like an idiot. Wait, this wasn’t a cool thing about the weekend. Ah, it doesn’t matter. Spilling things, knocking things over, shooting holes into my feet, being all around confused…that just sums up my life these days.

Please Help Me If You’re Good at Math

I’m going to fight a speeding ticket that I got last week that really pissed me off. I made a right turn and half a block down, a motorcycle cop got me for going 54 in a 45 which made no sense to me because there’s no way I could have accelerated to 54 in such a short distance, even if I was flooring it (which I wasn’t). So I’m trying to bring in the math to prove that by the laws of physics, I couldn’t have been going 54. But I’m not very good at math. So please help me if you can!

The official literature on my car says that it goes 0-60 in 6.6 seconds. That’s an acceleration of 9.09 mph per second.

Even though he has hiding in this driveway in the middle of a block, I just measured the distance to the next street (which was where I pulled over), which is 100 meters away (328.08 feet).

The minimum range for a radar gun is 50 feet. So I could only go a maximum of 278.08 feet from where I made the right turn, before he would be unable to clock me.

Velocity is acceleration x time. So this is my breakdown:

At 1 second (after turning), I was going at 9.09 mph. I traveled a distance of 13.332 ft.
2 seconds = 18.18 mph. 27.572 more feet traveled
3 seconds = 27.27 mph. 39.996 feet
4 seconds = 36.36 mph. 53.328 feet
5 seconds = 45.45 mph. 66.528 feet
6 seconds = 54.54 mph. 79.992 feet

I would have had to travel a minimum of 267.42 feet in order to be clocked at 54 miles per hour, which would mean it’s within the realm of reason that I could have been going that fast if the radar gun had indeed been located 100 meters away from my start point.

Except he wasn’t 100 meters away. He was 60 at most which should make it impossible for him to have clocked me at 54 miles per hour. I’m going to go out and measure the distance some time this week, but I’m trying to make sure that my math is correct, or the way I’m measuring the velocity/acceleration is correct. So if you’re good at this stuff or have any tips, please help me! I know I wasn’t going 54 mph because I wasn’t gunning it and didn’t have time to go that fast in the first place, but I just need to prove that there’s no way that an acceleration to 54 mph in that short of a distance is possible.

Thanks!

ps–actually, what’s strange is, I asked him about the radar and if he had my measurement on record from a radar but he just walked away and didn’t answer my questions. So I don’t know where he got 54 from.

You know what I just remembered?

How my brother used to write me letters and he would end them all with:

Ta ta for now!

Love,
Michael “Sunshine” Shih

This was like, last year.

Need Female Basketball Players

Well, I’ve been begging my friends and have posted an ad on Craig’s List, so I may as well try here. If any of you guys know of girls living in LA who might be interested in joining a women’s basketball team through the rec league, let me know. I want to sign up for the crappier of the two leagues so they don’t have to be good. They just need to be willing to commit to showing up. I need 10 more girls. The cost is $55 which includes team registration and uniforms. Games are Sunday afternoons in North Hollywood. Let me know if you guys have any friends, ex-college roommates, penpals, whatever.

Found Money

Yesterday I checked my Datek (now Ameritrade) account for the first time in 3 1/2 years and found that I had 60 shares of Microsoft that I had semi-forgotten about. And 1000 shares of a stock that is now defunct. I think I had gotten bummed when everything was crashing and stopped checking. But it was cool to find money that I’d forgotten about. Granted, the account is now worth less than half of what I put in, but at least it’s extra money for a rainy day.

My coworker is trying to convince me to buy a couple thousand shares of DESC. Here’s the company summary:

Distributed Energy Systems Corp Formerly known as Proton Energy Systems, Inc.. The Group’s principal activities are to design, develop and manufacture proton exchange membrane (PEM) electrochemical products for commercial applications. The PEM technology is incorporated in two families of products namely, hydrogen generators and regenerative fuel cell systems. The hydrogen generators convert water and electricity into high purity, pressurized hydrogen gas using PEM electrolysis. The regenerative fuel cell systems integrates PEM hydrogen generation technology with PEM fuel cell technology to create a power quality device that produces hydrogen from water and electricity, stores the hydrogen, and uses the hydrogen as fuel for the production of electricity. The products of the Group function as power generating and energy storage devices.The registered trademarks include Proton(R), Hogen(R), Unigen(R), Fuelgen(TM), Hipress(TM) and Transforming Energy(TM). On 10-Dec-2003, the Group acquired Northern Power Systems Inc.

I’ve been burned by the stock market before but maybe it’s worth a try. But for the same amount of money I could probably buy a house somewhere on the outskirts of LA. My other coworker put $6,000 down and bought a condo which he’s renting out, and is looking for another one. It never occurred to me to look into these things but I guess the way people make money in this world isn’t about how much salary they make, but how they invest that money. I have a strong aversion to financial matters and paperwork. But for once in my life, I’m motivated to learn. I’m also going to draw up a will and living trust so that if anything ever happens to me, 1. The government can’t freeze my funds or take half of it; and 2. My brother is taken care of.

Thanks everyone, for your kind words and support. It means a great deal to me and you guys are one of the big positives in my life. I’m feeling better today. What’s there to think about, you know? You can’t make decisions for others or change how they feel. You can only decide how you’re going to deal with things and who you want to be…if you’re going to let someone else’s bullshit sink you. I’ve got a great life with great people around me. And that’s more than a lot of people have. So who cares what unhappy people think, right?

So who wants an ice cream sandwich?????? Yeah you…right there, chubby…I know you want one…

Rough day today.

Sometimes I think you just have to realize that maybe you can’t have a relationship with a family member, no matter how much you want to. Because it’s not good for you. And it sucks. It really sucks.

The only nice thing that happened was this meter maid was going to give me a parking ticket because I found myself too upset to drive so I pulled over and got out to get some air. I was on the phone standing next to my car when I saw her writing me up. I asked her not to, that I was standing right there and was about to put money in but she said she had already put my license in. So I just kind of felt resigned, because of all things, this wasn’t worth fighting over. So I opened my mouth to say, that’s alright, but instead, I broke down sobbing. She put her arm around me and said, “It’s okay,” very maternally. I told her, “My brother’s having surgery right now, ” when that wasn’t what was making me want to die as much as, my realization that my father has never thought of me as a real person as much as an extension of my mom who he hurts just to get back at her. She asked me if I needed a hug and I said yes. So she hugged me and I told her, I’m so sorry…I’m not doing this just to get out of a ticket. She said, I can tell. And she talked with me for a while.

And that’s what hurt the most, you know? When strangers are kinder to you than your most loved ones. That’s what really fucking hurts the most.

why are girls named chastity always such sluts?

Today’s notes:

1. I am on the verge of a black eye. A bag of frozen peas is seeing what it can do.

2. Fried chicken…only the devil could have invented fried chicken.

3. Max is Urethra’s bitch.

4. Diet Coke with Lime will leave a strange, artificially-sweet aftertaste that last hours. The phantom taste will make you wonder if you possibly have a brain tumor if you don’t remember having drank it.

5. Went and played basketball at the gym and got elbowed in the face driving the lane (unrelated to near-black eye). Next play, drove again, crossed over a defender for a 6 ft bank shot. The guy on the other team said, “If I didn’t know better, I would think you were black.” I told him, “I am black.” Then got sad, wishing I were black and could dunk.

6. Very, very, very upset about my lack of motivation to write. It’s compounded by the fact that all of my friends make more money than me, and that I am severely underpaid for my position (or, the fact that I work 3 for the price of 1). Does anyone know of any job openings in LA? Seriously.

7. Blah

2/5 Recap

I did nothing today except go to the gym and play 5 games in the row of fullcourt basketball with the boys. Surprisingly, I played really well, hitting a lot of outside jump shots and going 2-4 in the low post with some spin moves and one over and under. My back is finally in good shape, though I’ve gotta be careful of my knees. My heart rate monitor said I burned 1284 calories, which means I’m going to crash sometime very soon. The last play of the last game, I went full steam for a loose ball and got slammed in the hand by a defender going the other way, jamming the fingers of my left hand so badly, that the knuckles are all bruised up and I’ve got a blood bruise on my wrist from where my hand snapped back and hit my Polar watch. Thank God the thing’s made out of rubber. God, I love pain from sports. Nothing makes me happier than being able to play basketball–setting a pick, slamming into people down low, charging through a crowd with my shoulder down for a layup under the basket, crossing over and blowing by a defender caught on his heels. I really wish I had bionic knees. If I could do something to strengthen my knees so I didn’t have to worry about tearing my ACLs again, I would go back to being a slasher instead of a perimeter player.

I saw Reggie at the gym! This parade of familiar faces coming back into my life continues. I was so happy to see him I jumped up on him and wrapped my legs around his waist and then immediately felt weird because we were in the middle of the gym. He just started a production company and booked a bunch of commercials. Look out for a cute black guy in an upcoming Bud Light campaign. Again, how weird is synchronicity? I happened to be in Santa Monica yesterday, and I was walking by this restaurant he worked at last year. So I thought I would drop in and see if he might still be working there and be on shift, but he wasn’t. I haven’t seen him in over a year and then randomly, the day after I go looking for him, I run into him. Back in the day, we broke up with our respective partners a week apart, and it seemed like whenever one person would hear from their ex, the other would too. It was weird. Today, I asked him how his ex was and he told me she was actually dating a chick for a while. I started laughing.

Let me tell you about a funny thing that happened with my chiropractor last year, I said.

I’m on my way to a photo opening right now, waiting for Matt and Mul to pick me up. We’re supposed to grab drinks afterwards and I told Reg I’d give him a call and let him know where we end up. Hopefully he comes out tonight. Reggie is a Taurus. If I made out with him, I would have only 1 last sign to make out with. But that’s not right; I respect him enough not to take advantage of him. (I say this now while I’m sober).

Today’s mood: Sore

I am fucking with you.

(I am NOT fucking with you.)

I am fucking with you NOT fucking you

(I am not fucking with you.)

I am fucking you, not fucking with you.

I am fucking not fucking with you.

I am not fucking fucking with you.

I am not fucking you.

(I am totally fucking you)

I am NOT fucking with you

Today I was lonely.

L-O-N-E-L-Y.

Today I was bored.

Very, very bored.

My friend Max’s trailer.

Interesting article about mail order brides being abused in Newsweek.

World…the time has come to…

Push the freakin’ button so we can all get to sleep, a’ight?

Lots of thoughts spinning in my head tonight but so little time and so little energy as I’ve been up since 5:30am and I’ve got the earlier schedule on Fridays. The flood of intellectual synapses is due to my having to make a 2 1/2 hour drive to Irvine in LA traffic during rush hour for my cousin’s son’s birthday, and the 45 minute drive back. I actually love driving at night. The freeway puts me in a semi-hypnotic state and I do my best thinking on the road.

I realized that it’s been a long time since I’ve had rageful thoughts at Eli. Of course, I’ve also been avoiding dating and consequently, sleeping with people, which could account for that, as I usually feel most violent towards him when I want to get close to someone. Maybe I’m letting go of the anger. Or maybe I’ve voluntarily given up on my desire to ever get close to a man and be in a relationship, because I just can’t fathom it. I’ve always been able to “see” a little further ahead down the road, at the very least, see likely outcomes to things. And whenever I think about relationships and partnerships, I always draw a blank. I’m really not saying this in a depressed or frustrated way. I just…don’t see it. I think people’s life paths are all different, and I may just be someone who’s very fulfilled but not meant to walk that particular path, and that doesn’t really feel like a bad thing.

I went to my cousin’s party and the entire family was there. It’s great seeing them because most of my cousins are married and have kids, and I love those kids. I love my nephew Austin (technically my 2nd cousin because he’s my cousin’s kid) because he’s got such a great, open and caring spirit (he’s a Leo) and we have a great connection. And I get to be myself and crazy with them (tumbling!). It’s cool because no one’s judging me and making kids laugh is the the best thing in the world. I told my cousin’s husband that sometimes I look around and I feel weird that I’m just about the only one who’s not married. He told me, 26 isn’t that old. I told him that I’m 26 and can’t see myself in a relationship in the foreseeable, so I’m definitely not getting married and settling down for life anytime soon. But to be honest, I wouldn’t mind meeting a good person. A stable person who’s got an open mind and an open heart. I’m tired of really weak men. Really insecure and emotionally-inept men. But I suppose I would have to want to meet one, and I wonder if the reason I don’t is because I’m afraid of what it might imply (a real relationship that leads to possibly marriage. Yikes). It’s very hard for me to wrap my head around. But maybe it’s not my head that needs to be in play. But it’s very difficult for me. My fear of relationships is quite overwhelming. I’m an intimacy junkie…I like diving into the depths of other people and myself, but to me, that doesn’t imply a continual connection…a promise of consistency and expectations of more.

You know, my favorite stories when I was a kid was of those elves who would come in and fix things in the middle of the night but the people didn’t know. What was that story? About the cobbler who needed shoes but couldn’t make them? But these good elves would sneak into his workshop in the middle of the night and make the shoes for him, and when he woke up, there would be shoes to sell. But he had no idea who was making them. I want to be those elves. I want to affect other people, bring them positivity and compassion and love, without them knowing me or wanting to hang on to me.

And a real relationship, one where you have to promise to stay and really stay…I can’t…fathom it. I get “error” messages in my brain. I just can’t understand it. Isn’t it enough that I really love you? That I really care about you? I love almost everyone I’ve ever had a connection with–friends, lovers, acquaintances. I care about you and think about you often in the quiet spaces of my mind and soul. I’ll never tell you about it, and if you told me that you knew, I would be very, very embarrassed. I wish you well, even if I left things angry or told you I never wanted to see you again. I just can’t deal with goodbyes. Sometimes I get so damn angry that goodbyes even exist. And it makes me behave badly, because I want the goodbye, since it’s inevitable. Just give me the goodbye so it doesn’t feel like we’re sitting around, waiting for it. I don’t care if you all don’t care about me. I still wish people well. Because life, you know? It isn’t easy.

I know that if I don’t figure this out soon, I could end up spending the rest of my life alone. Because people have their own lives and if I don’t build my own as well, then I’m gonna be left behind. But is that really a good reason to cling to another person? Because I’m afraid to be alone? If partnership doesn’t feel natural to me, isn’t it just going to make both my partner and I miserable because I’m off my path and dragging him down with me? Everything has a trade off. And I prefer the intimate, intense connections with random people from around the world. I would rather spread love and compassion to many people than give it all to one person or one small group, because to do the latter feels selfish. But I also have to understand that by not funneling into one specialized place, I give something up. Maybe I just have to decide what I really want. But I guess I don’t have to right now.

Do I date a lot of gay men in the sense we’ve been talking about them today? Yes. Gay in that they don’t feel comfortable with something about their innate nature so they have severe intimacy issues. Usually they’re not necessarily gay. A lot of men who have been molested (by men or women) often wonder if they’re gay or emasculated, and therefore, have severe intimacy issues and issues with women. It’s not really about a sexual preference. It’s about how they feel about themselves as men. For some reason, I’m drawn to men who have been abused in some way because I can always see it in their eyes. I can always feel it radiating off of them, in that place between their chest and their stomach. You feel it psychically as a hard tension, muscles like a clenched fist clinging for dear life to a dark object, probably the same way a massage therapist can feel a knot in a person’s physical body. And you have to approach them the way you would a terrified animal, using your most gentle energy to soothe them as you work that place inside of them, trying to get them to let go of that dark object. Because what they do is they’ve compacted the thing they are most afraid of, all that hurt and rage that goes along with it, into a tight little ball in the deepest part of them. But they’re so afraid that if they let go, this thing will expand and overtake them, that they spend almost all of their emotional energy containing that compacted little ball. Do you remember how scared you were of letting go of that bar on the roller coaster, as if holding onto that bar was the only thing that would keep you from flying out? But at some point you realized that even if you let go, you wouldn’t die? The illogic of letting go and the relief when you realized you weren’t going to die is an incredibly cathartic and life-affirming experience and it’s one of the reasons why I think people love roller coasters and other “near-death” simulations. Once these people can let go of that ball, they will finally be free–to live, to grow and to love, however they choose. They spend so much energy trying to protect themselves and control this thing, that they have nothing left to experience life and give emotionally to other people. You need to soothe them until they can imagine that if they unwrap their fingers from this ball, it will overtake them, but then it’ll be gone…dissipated into the atmosphere. Why do I know this? I have no idea. How do people know how to approach frightened animals and soothe them? You just do. But you get bit and scratched
a lot before the animal trusts you.

So why is this particular pain so important to me? I have no idea. For some reason I’m tuned into it. And it matters to me, that people let go of this particular pain. Sometimes I don’t really care for the person; they’re actually not nice people and not my first choice for a romantic partner. But I just want them to not have that pain. Because the person inside who’s holding that explosive ball is a child. And that’s who I see when I look into their eyes.

Can I be honest with you guys?

It’s haunting. I look into their eyes and feel that heavy, diseased ball in their centers and all I can feel is what the world is capable of doing to innocence–destroying it and leaving wounded children to pick up the pieces. And if I come across someone and see this, it can bring me really down. And in a way, as long as I see this out there, see people walking around this wounded, I’ll never have faith in the world. I went to therapy and then to hypnosis because I wanted to know…why sexual abuse? Why molestation? Why specifically when men are the victims? Maybe because they are most likely to hurt women when they’ve experienced this type of pain? Why does it enrage me and haunt me? I have no memory of anything ever happening to me. I wanted my memory regressed and still, nothing. I was never afraid of anyone touching me, though I was just generally afraid of people, men and women. I like being touched affectionately. It doesn’t make any sense. But it’s there. I try not to look for it, I try to avoid it, but when I see it in someone’s eyes, I just can’t look away.

I care about these guys as human beings but usually, I don’t really want to date these guys. I don’t want to sleep with them or be in a romantic relationship with them. But I do become obsessed with that pain, and it draws me. I think the level of intimacy that is required to get to that place confuses a lot of guys and they assume this is love, which it is–but I’m motivated by my desire to alleviate the suffering of another human being rather than a romantic connection. And the dating thing is just the conduit which allows me to gain access to their deepest wounds. Sometimes I feel like sleeping with someone is the price I pay to gain their trust and have them allow me to get near that place where things are locked up. Sometimes it’s a relief to be with someone where there isn’t this exchange. I would rather date someone where this dynamic isn’t present and be able to help others in another capacity, but I’ve found that 1. I can’t help everyone (like by becoming a therapist) because I won’t have a connection with all of them where I can see their insides as clearly as I do with certain people, and some of these people who have this pain are hellbent on self-destruction and thus, are dangerous to me as they are willing to take anyone down with them so that they don’t have to do it alone; and 2. Men don’t tend to allow a women in unless there is something romantic/sexual to be gained.

So that’s how it happens. How these types of people get into my life. I’ve been trying to be better about walking away, about pretending I didn’t notice something wrong with their eyes. But whenever I do, I get so angry at the world, with how it so often sacrifices innocent and trusting children to harm.

Afternoon Recovery

Well, the day was spent with the guys at work making fun of me for my little encounter at the Bean, as they would sporadically come up to me and spout theories. Examples:

“He’s just really shy and got freaked out. He’s probably kicking himself right now because he knows he looked stupid.”

“I bet he’s stalking you and got freaked out because you got too close.”

“I bet he’s gay and mistook you from a distance for a really pretty man.”

(thanks guys)

As bizarre as the encounter was, I realized how strongly he reminded me of a friend I used to hang out with. Or date. I’m not sure. I have no idea since our relationship was really bizarre.

This friend is really hot but really shy. Like too hot for anyone to really believe he’s shy. We would randomly see each other at group gatherings, and I called him out of the blue one day asking if he wanted to work on a film project with me. I was moving into my new apartment the next day and we made plans to hang out that night. So he picks me up and we grab drinks. Even though we’ve hung out at mutual gatherings, I didn’t know that much about him; he’d always been really quiet, but he had an amazing smile and was always laughing at people’s jokes. That night, he was kind of shy and awkward, but very nice and very quirky. When he dropped me off, I asked him if he wanted to see my place.

Now, if any of you have met me (and most of you haven’t), you’ll know that I’m not so bright when it comes to social cues. When I say, “Do you want to see my place?” after a night of hanging out one-on-one with a lot of flirting that seems an awful lot like a date (but which I dub “hanging out” unless I’m told otherwise), I literally mean, “Would you like to take a tour of my place of inhabitance before leaving?” So he comes up and as the now infamous legend goes, I had him sit on a coach facing a great city view while I turned off the lights, lit a candle and stood behind him in the doorway without making any sort of move, because I was literally only planning to show him the view. And obviously, I crossed a few signals.

After that, he would call a lot; he was really sweet and always said and did nice things, like giving me a ride to the airport at 8am on HIS birthday. There was quite a lot of evidence saying that he liked me, some strong hints, but nothing outright. And I’m the type of girl you have to carve it out in perfect spelling on a club and then bash in the head with to get me to realize you like me.

But then he would do things that were inconsistent and confusing as hell.

For example, when he would call me, he wouldn’t really talk. It would make me kind of nervous because if I didn’t say anything, we’d have very long, heavy silences, until he’d finally laugh nervously and say, “Say something!” Soon my friends and I were trying to figure out–why would a guy call a girl just to not talk? (Like, why would a guy invite a girl to sit at his table and then not converse?) Could a man really be that shy? Or was he insane? We had never encountered this type of male creature.

And then there were other things that were just flat out bizarre.

Once, he invited me to a party at his house, but when I showed up, other than saying hi when I first got there, he ignored me for the whole night. I ended up talking to some random people just to pass some time before it was appropriate to leave, but then he got really friendly when I was trying to leave. I don’t get mad easily, but I was irritated to the point of damn-near pissed off.

Sometimes we’d be on the phone late into the night and he would tell me that he’s really, really shy, that he felt comfortable with me and had opened up a lot with me, and that I’m a really hard person to read. I figured it was obvious that I was interested in him as I had called him out of the blue with a flimsy excuse about working on a project, and wanted him to make an outright move or declaration if he wanted something, because I found him so hard to read and didn’t have the guts to be the one to lay out her cards first.

This ball of whatthefuck went on and on until I couldn’t take the tension anymore and started dating someone else, just to not have to wonder about this anymore.

I don’t know; the whole thing was weird. And in hindsight, you don’t want to date that kind of dynamic. I feel like if you have to work so hard, it’s not right anyway. But I also acknowledge that I’m not an easy girl to try to start something up with either so that doesn’t help things. Maybe there are really shy, eccentric guys out there that can be normal. This particular friend’s been in a relationship for years now, and things are great. Or maybe most of those guys are weird because they have severe intimacy issues. Or maybe they’re just Aquarians. Aquarius boys give me a perpetual ? above my head because they’re so damn eccentric and I never have any idea where they’re coming from. I actually hate them. They totally freak me out.

Regardless, it’s an intriguing distraction. Maddening, but intriguing. But in the end, I don’t want anything to do with it.

A Desperate Cry for Help

So I’m still seeing that psychohypnotist and it’s doing wonders in helping me stay on track with writing (I have a problem with getting easily discouraged). I’ve had 3 sessions and so far, the changes have been quite noticeable in how I feel and in my creativity. But there’s still one area of my life where I act like a goddam idiot.

So I went in yesterday and she asked me what I would like help with today. I told her about Coffee Bean Guy. How I want to have a conversation with him but I’m completely freaked out and won’t even look at him, even though he always looks at me. That it’s not so much about him anymore, but about why I get so freaked out when I’m actually interested in someone. I have no problems approaching guys, asking guys out, etc., but if I like you, chances are, I probably won’t even talk to you or look at you. In fact, I may even run away. What am I…4 years old? Fuck.

So of course, I shot myself in the foot because her homework assignment for me this week was to talk to him. I told her hell no. She said, he obviously is interested in you but is too shy. I gave her my evidence to the contrary:

1. He talks to everyone. He seems to know everyone who goes there.
2. He’s willing to say hi, how are you, but he doesn’t start a conversation. Maybe all he wants to say is hi how are you, and doesn’t have an interest in talking.
3. He may be married or in a relationship, which is why he can’t technically initiate a conversation with me.

She looked me in the eye and said, your homework assignment is to talk to him. You’re going to challenge yourself.

So today I got up at 6am, went to the gym and hit the Coffee Bean at 8am, giving me half an hour before work. Also, he seems to always be talking to someone if I get there at 8:15, so I figure I’ll catch him when he’s alone. I park and see that his car is in the lot. Game on!

Here’s the play by play:

I walk in and see that indeed, he’s sitting by himself, reading the newspaper. I’ve bought a newspaper outside as my prop. He looks up, sees me, looks down quickly. Looks up again. We make eye contact. We both smile.

I get in line. I notice he gets up and goes to the bathroom. [I anticipate that his game plan is: He goes to the bathroom. I buy my coffee. By the time he comes out, I’ll be standing by the coffee accessories area waiting for my drink which is between the bathroom and his table so he’ll walk by right in front of me]. I have to suppress nervous giggles. I order my drink, stand at the accessories area. Indeed, he comes out of the bathroom, walks by and says, “Hi, how are you.” (good offense anticipation, Julia!) But he says it kind of gruff and doesn’t really stop as he says it (as usual). Suddenly my confidence plummets. What if that’s all he really wants to say? What if he’s just being polite? What if he doesn’t really want to talk to me? What if he knows I have a thing for him because maybe I’m the one who’s always looking and he’s just fanning his ego? DAMN. Now I’m terrified.

He goes back to his table but instead of sitting down, he gets his cup and goes to the counter for a refill. Hmmm. I figure this may be the 2nd-down play. Because once he gets his coffee, he’ll have to go to the accessories area, which is where I am, giving him another chance to talk to me. Sounds possible right? So I regroup my muster and indeed, he follows the anticipated play. I see him coming and we make eye contact, but WHAT? I quickly look down and BURY my head in the newspaper. Now he’s putting stuff in his coffee less than 2 feet away from me. And come hell or high water, I am NOT. LOOKING. UP. So he sits back down just as my drink is ready.

My confidence is shot now. I don’t know what to do. I’m thoroughly confused. But I know I have one more chance. There are two empty tables next to him. One is jammed between his and another woman’s and has newspapers on the chair and empty cups on the table. Not a good choice, as I would also have to squeeze into that space, and I can be very clumsy when I’m nervous. The other one is a tiny round table with the chair angled at him. The table is touching his, so I would be sitting damn near on top of him. There’s another table next to that one somewhat further away, about 6 feet away from his but it seems more of a natural choice, if I weren’t stalking him. But it has a lot of crap on the table. So…what would the logical choice be? I honest couldn’t tell. I was so scared of looking like I was purposely sitting next to him and therefore, stalking him, that I decided to take the table that was NOT next to him. So he watched me walking back and forth, getting napkins to clean up the table.

I noticed he was reading the basketball page of the sports section when I walked by after cleaning the table. Now, who knows about basketball more than me??????? Good God, I can talk for hours about the NBA! I can tell you every player’s stats, strengths & weaknesses and astrological sign!! In fact, he was reading about Rudy T. resigning and I had the perfect conversation starter–“So who do you think is gonna take over the Lakers?” It was so EASY!

But I was too scared at this point. He saw me staring at his paper as I walked by. Why was I staring at his paper? Because I knew he had looked up and was watching me, and I was afraid to make eye contact. So I sat down and buried myself in my own sports section.

We glanced at each other a few times. Then some girl sat down at the table in between us (the one touching his) and started talking to him. He left abruptly at 8:25, which is about what time I needed to leave to get to work. Yes, he announced his departure loudly. But I figure I’m assuming too much if he did it to let me know he was leaving. So I had to leave too since I need to be at work at 8:30. But by the time I made my way out of the parking lot, he was already pulling out.

Status: MISSION FAILED (due to dumbfuckery)

Somebody, help me. Do I show up at 8 again tomorrow and try again? Or is he going to think I’m stalking him?