Well, the day started off so fucked and then it ended on a surprising note. Everything ended up working out, including the fact I forgot to pack underwear for my trip. I ran to the mall to get some and then went into the vitamin store because I’m that person who likes to browse nutritional supplements the way some people like to browse porn. Met a couple of cool dudes and hung out talking about training, diet and living in different cities. One of the guys is training for that strong man competition where they’re lugging around trucks and flipping giant tires around. I was telling him how N.O. Xplode is crack, and he hooked me up with a few scoops since I didn’t want to buy a whole tub.

I went to SF with my mom and a real estate agent to look at a place out there, and I hated the sales person’s attitude. I was thinking how, if I were her, how I would treat each customer, how I would read each customer and realized, I would be really good at her job. There are a few things career-wise I know I’m have a lot of interest in and passion for — food, fitness & nutrition, real estate, psychology/human nature. I think writing and directing is my expression of my obsession with human nature and life, but it’s something that’s dependent upon life experience. I’m still early in my journey of exploring people and life, so there’s no rush on that. The work is made public when it’s ready. I’ve got my business plan for the food chain that fills a niche currently not on the market, but this is not the economy for the implementation of that. Which leaves fitness & nutrition and real estate. The fact that I was basically raised in a gym (it was my second home growing up. Before I could drive, I would just be dropped off at the gym after school and have to hang out there until 8 or 10pm when my parents got off work and could pick me up), and sometimes as a default, I just go to the gym because I feel comfortable and safe there. I would love to work in a gym and get into personal training. But that feels more like a hobby. I think in terms of work, in terms of a job that’s competitive but where I enjoy talking about what I’m selling and have the opportunity to meet many different people, working for a development company as a sales associate selling units of new developments would be great. I would be good at it and I would be working for large, professional companies in high risk/high reward situations. The level of investment from the companies would create a great deal of pressure on the sales people, which would give me the level of intensity and self-competition that I need to thrive. And if ultimately, my goal is to make a lot of money and meet a lot of people so that in 5-10 years, I can supply myself with the funds and material to finance my own film projects, I think this would be a great fit.

So I realized this and I was happy.

Then my cousin called, the cousin I’ve had a rivalry with all my life who I never liked or trusted. He wanted to hang out and I’m not that comfortable around him because I think he’s sneaky, but I figured, it’ll either suck or we’ll finally bury the hatchet. And it turned out, we buried the hatchet and it was good. It would be really nice to be friends with him, to be able to be supportive of each other. I recognize one of the reasons I hated him as a kid, was that he had a blessed childhood…he had a functional family where both parents adored him and he got whatever he wanted and yet he seemed to always be scheming. And I think I was just really jealous of that, that if I had parents who paid attention to me, I would just be happy with that. But as an adult, I really see the childishness of those thoughts and that anger, and that in other ways, I was blessed as well. It was a good evening.

I think the turning point of the day was really when things just seemed to be going wrong like a domino effect, and I had just had a fight with my dad over something stupid. I was in my car and thinking how fucked the day was and how everything was going wrong, and I thought, if I keep thinking that, it’s going to perpetuate a bad day. I have to change my attitude. So I started noticing things, like that person on the street looked happy, or that was a beautiful house, and thinking about how grown up Michael has gotten and the things I looked forward to this summer. And I think just energy and focus-wise, it really turned my day around.

I’m furious right now. So angry my chest hurts. And the thing that frustrates me most is I don’t know my next step so I can’t go sprinting off anywhere to fix things and remedy this feeling. I’m trying to cool down, doing every tactic I know, slow breathing, distracting my mind, taking a cold shower, remembering that I’m bigger than this and trying to expand outside of the feeling, but I just want to destroy something. Smash something. Hurt someone. Where is all this anger coming from? I haven’t felt this way, this destructive in years. It’s scaring me because I’m refusing to take this out on anything externally, let this anger touch anyone or anything else so I can already feel myself stalking the other half of myself that’s optimistic and happy all the time. I hear myself threatening it, scaring it, blaming it. Why does anger always want to destroy the things that are beautiful and naive? It’s so fucked up. I’m so fucked up. My mind has got to maintain control here and talk my emotional side down.

today has the potential for miracles. i could sure use some help with clarity right now.

sore knee is keeping me up. it’s been bothering me a lot the last week as i’ve been working on my vertical. i could high five the backboard when i was 15 before i tore the cartilage coming down from a rebound and got scared of jumping too high. wonder if i’ll ever slap that backboard again.

i love rie for many things, including taking this sweet picture of my brother and my mom.

I read once in an astrology analysis that I can come off aloof or unaffectionate because I’m actually shy and sensitive, and that’s how I protect myself until I get to know people to figure out if they’re trustworthy. But it said the problem is, while I’m being that way as protection, it also has the result of keeping away other shy and sensitive people who are the very people who would be able to understand my sensitivity and form rewarding relationships based on mutual understanding with me.

That’s kind of fucked up, isn’t it? Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I also read a quote once that said, any decision you make out of fear, will be the wrong decision.

What about decisions made out of obligation?

Why is that the hardest thing for me? I guess I know why. I guess the question is, will I ever let myself be okay with refusing obligation when it’s not fair to me.

Maybe that’s why I’m so intense about my freedom and autonomy. It’s not about being afraid to be vulnerable. I think when people get closer to me and find the sensitive side, the more private side of me, they realize I basically wear my vulnerability on my sleeve, though it would be a mistake to misinterpret vulnerability as weakness. I’m like a little kid who’s willing to share everything and give my loved ones everything. And when others are vulnerable around me, truly vulnerable instead of using affected vulnerability as a way of manipulating compassion and obligation, I’m always very careful and gentle. For someone to be vulnerable around you is the highest gift, the ultimate in trust. There’s a reason why my brother trusts me more than anyone else in this world. Because I know he trusts me unconditionally, I do everything humanly possible, even if it means my complete sacrifice, to protect him, to not fail him or hurt him, and he knows that. One of my duties in life is to protect his innocence, protect his ability to love unconditionally, protect the way he sees the best and the most beautiful out of life and people, because for innocence to exist in this world of corruption and chaos, it’s like a rose garden in full bloom in the middle of a devastated, blackened war zone. You have to protect it, because if innocence in its purest, most exalted form no longer existed, then the world has been overtaken by darkness and we’ve lost hope.

People who can see me and understand me tend to get the most (and the best) from me, though I recognize, not everyone who I want to will really see me because I keep so much hidden, though it’s all hidden in plain sight. I’ll tell you everything you want to know. I rarely outright lie unless I don’t know you and it’s protective. But the more you are willing to show me that you are trustworthy, the more straightforward I’ll be. I think if we lived in an ideal world where there weren’t people out there who take advantage of others capable of high levels of compassion and selflessness, I wouldn’t be this way. The problem is that if people are unscrupulous enough, it’s easy to figure out that I’m defenseless against obligation. That if you make me feel responsible enough, it’s almost impossible for me to allow myself to consciously let someone down, even if I suspect they may just be manipulating me. But if I find enough proof that someone been manipulating me for sure, hell hath no fury…

The shadow side of the healer is the warrior.

I used to describe it as this. Imagine that you live in a house on a prairie. And since people don’t want random riftraft walking up to their front door, they usually build a fence around their property. Some people build their fences further out, so even if people come in, there’s a buffer between the fence and the house. Some people build their fences too close to their front door. Some people don’t build fences at all, but that’s how you get houseguests that eat all your food, sleep with your daughter and never leave, so you really are better off at least building a friendly, unassuming fence. My point is, after a childhood of getting bullied and taken advantage of, I finally wisened up and built a fence. But I kind of built it too close to my house, so I go around acting like it’s electrified and only telling people who look trustworthy where the gate is because I know, once they get past the fence and walk up to my front door, I don’t have the guts not to invite them in. And I’m so sick of bad people eating my food, sleeping with my daughter and refusing to leave. Cool people, no problem. Eat my food. Sleep with my daughter. Hang out and smoke weed. But the problem is really when bad people get in because sometimes my being polite makes it hard for me to ask people to leave.

I know I’m getting kind of bent out of shape about this whole thing, so I can’t stop talking about it. I think it’s because I’m frustrated but I don’t feel I’m articulating. I know I have a light and shadow side and I am quite capable of being less than noble, but I own all of it. But the one thing I never do, is force my will on people if it’s for my own benefit without their benefit as well. If I’m being an asshole or if I’m one way and people don’t like it, if people make it clear to me I’ll own it because it’s a part of me and a person has to own the entirity of themselves. And if it makes more sense and I can understand how, I’ll often change an aspect of me that is not contributing to my being the kind of person I want to be. But it scares me and frustrates me when people misunderstand me but decide that’s just what I am without really understanding or by just summing it up in a label. I hate labels. Labels destroy the essence that makes things alive.

This isn’t exactly the same thing, but it reminds me of when I started the first grade, I started later then everyone else so I was the new kid, and I was too shy to really talk to anyone and make friends. This older girl saw this cool watch I had on and wanted it, so she told the teacher I’d stolen it from her. So I got in trouble and the teacher took the watch away and gave it to her, and for the rest of the day, everyone called me a thief. I kind of knew they didn’t know me and they didn’t know better, but I had no way of changing their idea of me, no concrete proof or way of articulating reason, and I didn’t know what to do because the girl was wrong, the teacher was wrong, everyone was fucking wrong, but no one would listen to me. And the fact I couldn’t get it sorted out myself, that I needed my dad to come to school with the receipt for the watch to sort it out for me, that I couldn’t even fight my own battle because I couldn’t make people listen and understand…that just made me feel powerless. And it made me lose a lot of faith in people. I know it’s an old issue and I’m over it mentally, but I think sometimes when you have a bad experience that makes you feel powerless, emotionally, it’s all still there…the “what if” of it happening all over again. Thinking about that day still makes me feel that metallic whine of panic inside my chest even though the experience can’t touch me anymore. Maybe in a way, this issue is about power, but not in the way people think or in the normal sense of the word.

A person’s personal strength comes from their ability to feel strong, to feel expansive, to feel confident in themselves and their ability to exercise dominion over their path and their reality. Power for me means wholeness, completion, an integration of the complete self so that your highest potential of energy flows clearly and strongly throughout you. In this way, my own personal power is important to me because to feel it means that I feel confident and complete. I could care less about power over another person, over external elements as a way to exercise my ego. But if I lose my ability to articulate, if external forces have assigned an untruth to me, a label that diminishes me and my expression of myself holistically, then yes, I think it fractures me and makes me feel weak, as though I have no power over myself and my path.< br />
Ultimately, I strive to be a good person because I want people to have faith that good does exist. It doesn’t have to be in me, but in something, because I’ve known what it was like to lose faith, to have people disappoint me or be outright vicious, cruel or deceptive. To have people who have decided on the intention of destroying the security, hopes and dreams of others who perhaps naively in their eyes, still believe that life means possibilities and goodness, not negativity and dog-eat-dog darkness, maybe because somewhere along the way, some evil person took it away from them. To have people take things away from you just because they could, because in that moment, at that point in your life, you weren’t strong enough to stand up for yourself, that shouldn’t extinguish a person’s fire. I wouldn’t want anyone to have to lose their faith permanently, to lose their hope that there’s a positive force in life, that that force lives within so many things in this universe and so many people who try to do the right thing and protect the positive things in life that are worth fighting for, that in the end, truth prevails. Because I truly believe that life is worth living and there are positive forces out there that stand strong against the negative forces every day.

I think maybe all this spinning today is just bad feeling that will blow over tomorrow. I’m probably just having one of those days where I’m not feeling good, where it feels like my heart is slowly breaking.

On a different topic, I’m starting to think now.

Is the challenge to go or to not go?

To go would be the potential to bring something new into my life. A new experience, uncharted territory.

But is it really uncharted territory? Sometimes the names and places may change, but the lesson remains the same. I recognize certain things.

Is this the same pattern that has gotten me in trouble in the past and now, amidst my saturn return, I have the opportunity to show the universe that I learned my lesson that almost destroyed me years ago and can move on to a higher level without repeating this lesson? I will have really let myself down if I get into that situation again.

I heard myself say it today a few times and I think I was telling myself more than other people. I have a bad habit of getting into situations that are not great for me because I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. I have a tendency to be willing to make the first compromise, and while I know it has to do with my upbringing and having a sibling with a disability who had more needs than I did (and while I know all that therapy talk of blah blah blah don’t discredit my own needs, etc. and I’m just as worthy which believe me, I know), I just don’t like to let people down or disappoint them even if it means giving up something or not feeling comfortable. I’ve spent a lifetime compromising and I recognize, if you’re practiced at it, sometimes it’s easier for you and i don’t mind doing it as long as I’m not the only one doing it all the time. But there are certain things you can’t compromise. Watching Sportscenter when you really want to watch Ugly Betty is an okay compromise because sometimes he’s gonna have to watch the romantic comedy you wanna see when really he wants to watch the Bruckheimer film. But when you’re walking into a situation that you don’t feel comfortable with because you’re afraid to say, this situation doesn’t feel right to me…then the problem is not the other person or the situation. The problem is YOU.

All signs point to me riding the brakes. I’m exhibiting more and more negative symptoms of being unhappy and anxious which means something’s wrong. And what I’ve been learning is that it’s safe to trust my intuition. And he’s not helping me by pulling this insecure crap that makes me feel like I’m being emotionally manipulated. So then…

It’s your call, Julia. I think this is like last May, when you had to decide what you were willing to do to support yourself. Is it a way of not being influenced by the past? Or is it a way of not repeating the past?

The thing I want to talk about most, I can’t.

I’m sure some people are quite aware but it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t. Some things, you just can’t put on the table out of respect and that’s always something I try to be…respectful. And plus, there’s no point in things being awkward or people getting hurt. I guess I really mean me. My getting hurt because there is no other potential outcome. I really don’t like getting hurt because secretly, everything I present to people is a real part of me, whether I make it seem as such or not, and more gets to me than my pride lets me let on. And plus, I don’t want to be an asshole.

So I keep it to myself. And I try not to think about it. And I try to not let it get to me or influence my moods.

But if people only understood how hard having Venus in the 12th house was, they would understand a little more about me and about who I am instead of how I seem to be. I’ve always said astrology is a means of understanding elements, so I don’t know if it’s possible to break things or change things…I just notice when things seem to support those presented elements, though I’ll always be optimistic, because how else would life be worth going forward with if there was not hope? But it often seems that it’s hard for there to be a balance for me, to be able to have what I want, what I truly value, what feels good without there being some kind of catch. Or it seems I’ll be able to have something, but it can never be acknowledged for what it is, it can never be seen without conflicting some other structure, and it’s always on someone else’s terms. That’s why I think it’s so funny for people to think I need control…so often things are on another person’s terms but I’m willing to make the compromise because to find someone that means a lot to me and feels safe for me is rare. I just go with it and appreciate things for what they are. It’s kind of like always being hungry though, but I guess there are benefits of that. You’re more appreciative of what you get.

Is that true? Or what I tell myself because I always seem to have the consolation prize? It doesn’t matter though. Life is what it is. And you deal with it or you don’t.

The one thing that I feel people misunderstand though, until they really get to know me is that I’m not a difficult person and I don’t have a driving need for control , though I’m very protective of my autonomy until I’ve gotten to know a person well. I do understand I am hard to get close to until I trust a person, which I’m capable of. I think it’s more of a method to filter out people who should and shouldn’t be too close to me rather than a way of fucking with people or keeping ALL people out. For those who are trustworthy and that I establish good rapport with, it’s very easy for them to naturally disable or slip through these defenses and get close to me, and I’m real with them because if they find me, they’re the right people to have in my life and we add to each other’s lives rather than detract. For everyone else, I’m still real and nice to those who are good people, but they just won’t get to know me as intimately as others, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing either. It’s still an honest human relationship. I also think, at the end of the day, there are reasons why people don’t get close to each other even if they could. I think sometimes people connect on one level, but they still have to maintain social boundaries on another, so it is what it is…life. As we taught my brother so he could recognize people and how to interact appropriately, there are circles–you have inner circles, people you trust, your friends and family. You have an outer circle, your acquaintances, your coworkers, etc. People you are friendly but people you don’t hug and say I love you to (we actually had to do this to get my brother to understand this specifically!). And then there’s everyone else. And sometimes people move between circles, but basically, I think that’s how all humans are. You can’t have the entire world in your inner circle or standing outside of all the circles.

Whatever. Life is life. You deal with it or you don’t. You find people who you pass the time with, interact with, learn things from, and if you’re lucky, you meet random special people who you forge deep connections with based on true understanding and unconditional positive regard. These are people you can talk about anything with, and they will listen and take you seriously because they value you and all of you. Sometimes these connections last a life time and if so, you’re very, very lucky. Sometimes they’re fleeting, ephemeral. And if so, you’re still lucky because at least you had it. And that’s something you can’t take for granted.

I just have to remember, life isn’t always fair, but in the end, it’s fair.

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for a while.

I have at least two great mental connections with men who are in relationships. These connections are non-romantic, non-sexual, and we’ve never made advances towards each other in any way that is disrespectful of their relationships. The connection is mental and to some degree, spiritual. Talking with them feels like being on the verge of a great idea, the exchange of ideas kinetic and an entire universe seems to lay just beyond our grasp but attainable, if we share our thoughts and ideas. I feel stronger around them, more stable, more able to comprehend dimensions of understanding beyond that which I currently have. And so much more feels possible. Everything feels electric.

But the one thing I am and have always been is honorable. I have never presented myself in the realm of the romantic, nor allowed myself thoughts as such. In fact, I feel slightly uncomfortable being alone with both, self-conscious that any of the energy or my attention be construed as romantic or inappropriate. I am careful to tread carefully out of respect to them and their relationships, and out of self-preservation for myself. The mental connection is too important for me to jeopardize by any misunderstanding or perceived romantic advance. I am so committed to not crossing the line intentionally or accidentally, that I don’t even acknowledge that they are a man and I am a woman and they in any way could possibly find me attractive. Because like I said, I can’t risk it. And I don’t want to start anything in motion that can’t be undone.

But as I get older, as my male friends engage in serious relationships that lead towards marriage, I realize that these friends, these mental connections, they can’t continue forever.

For them to get too close to me could potentially present a conflict within their romantic partnership, possibly causing tension when it’s unnecessary. I think if I were cool and he was cool and she was cool, everything is fine and everyone is friends. But when the guy’s partner doesn’t understand the things we talk about or connect about, sometimes the woman can get threatened, even though there is absolutely no threat, at least from my motivations, of boundaries being disrespected.

I have a good friend who has been in a relationship for a long time and he’s getting married next year. I’m happy for him and always hoped he and his girlfriend would stay together, but I also know, that this may be the end of the type of connection we have. I think it’d been bothering me for a while, so I brought it up with my mom last weekend, as she knows all of us. She said the thing was that my friend and I are both very philosophical, creative types and we share a special connection there, something that he doesn’t share with his girlfriend even though he loves her very much. But that we know we have to be careful so that we can be completely respectful of his girlfriend. My mom also told me that for sure his girlfriend knows that my friend is “attracted” to me because of that mental connection even if we won’t let anything romantic ever happen even if there were any impulses, but that his girlfriend also puts a lot of trust in me for being honorable and not breaking her trust.

I understand all that and it made me a bit melancholy to hear it. Physically, I’ve never thought of him that way or wanted him in that way. But one of the things I really need in life is for someone who can answer my questions, because I have so many. And when I meet a fellow seeker who has seen things and understands things and thinks about things, I want to connect and exchange ideas, throw things around and perhaps combine ourselves to create new ideas. But that kind of connection sometimes conflicts with structures on a day to day reality, since at the end of the day, I am still a woman and the other person is still a man. So I know to be careful with the way you present yourself, the way you talk, the way you interact with them as a couple. You show his partner the upmost in respect and you never seem dominating or threatening. You call at appropriate hours, you respect their boundaries, and deep down, you forget that this friend is male even though all the tiptoeing just draws your attention to it, however annoying that is. I would rather not have to worry about it because I’ll never do anything anyway. Whatever happens in life happens and if people are meant to be together they’ll be together but no one can force anything and they shouldn’t. But if people I care about are happy, that’s all that matters. That and being able to talk to them.

I feel like if I were a man, it would be no problem and I could keep these friends that I have amazing mental connections in my life forever, and we would be able to leave the lines open. I know when I’m in a relationship, I feel guilty or am extremely careful when connecting with other men. But sometimes I wish life weren’t so complicated, that it would just be what it is. People connect with other people, whether male or female, old or young, conventional or bizarre. Most of these are mutually exclusive but enrich your life in different yet necessary ways, and as long as you are truthful about them, you can handle several rewarding ongoing connections in your life without challenging your loyalties to another. I think if an ideal were possible, I would hope for this one.

I guess in all that, I’m just trying to say, I miss you guys. I really, really miss you guys and our discussions. I know it’s life and life is about compromise and choosing a path and committing to it. To protecting your loyalties and not betraying the trust of those who have given you their trust and love. But sometimes I wish things were different, that there wasn’t an inner conflict, that people felt expansive enough to be able to have different connections in their lives and be able to put away the sexual/romantic feelings that interfere with a male/female connection when the connection has the potential to be rewarding in a totally different way.

I have so many questions, and I just wish someone could talk.

Officially, the freak out began on Tuesday. I’m terrified of this trip. Terrified. It will be uncharted territory. High risk and high reward for adventure, drama, wisdom, creativity. But still, a terrifiying unknown.

I feel I have no choice but to move forward.

I think this is the most logical next step for where I’m trying to get.

I believe without exploration, there can be no discovery.

I am afraid.

Beat two guys at 21 two times in a row today. The last game I won with 5 consecutive shots on a sprained ankle (pull up jumper, 3 free throws, 3 pointer). It even surprised me because again, I’m never this good unless I’m alone or playing against someone with no one else watching. Something’s pretty jacked with my right foot so I might be done for a while. But I was feeling really intense today, really brooding in a way that I couldn’t even acknowledge the existence of a world outside of this game. And maybe that’s what gave me the safety to be good. I blocked a couple of shots, too, which is secretly my greatest high in the game, the thing that gives me the biggest rush. It’s getting in tune with someone so deeply that his moves are your moves, but when he gets to the place of attack, you’re already there waiting for him. And yeah, I’m a bully for loving it, but you still get to be on top.

The day at the gym did start kind of uniquely. When I was warming up, I discovered the sudden return of my left. My wrist was somewhat rusty, but the motion suddenly seemed familiar again, manageable. It had been useless for so long, even though I had solid left hand post moves in high school. I’d found it completely unresponsive the last few years, like I was trying to communicate with a hand living on a foreign planet which I had no common language with. And suddenly today, it came back. And then I went on to beat those guys at 21 playing exponentially beyond my usual focus. I think they might be connected.

I had a dream a couple of weeks ago. In the dream I was laying in bed on a Sunday afternoon, and I had the idea that if I practiced doing things with my left hand, if I learned how to write with it, play basketball with it and feel adept with it, it would open up previously dormant parts of my brain that would allow me greater capabilities of understanding. In my dream I was drifting off to sleep, but I was excited to try it when I woke up.

Maybe today was a reminder that it’s time to explore this to see if it will open up the other half of my mind.

It’s been driving me crazy how Suri Holmes-Cruise, outside of looking a bit like a test-tube alien child, reminds me of someone but I just can’t put my finger on it. It’s been driving me crazy for a while now.

I was getting a haircut today, and since hair salons are where the best rumors run free, I asked my WeHo ear-to-the-ground pop-shaman what the deal was with Suri.

He said, “The latest rumor is that Tom’s cousin donated sperm because Lord Knows, Tom doesn’t have it in him to make a baby.”

And then I had one of those Aha! moments. I knew who she looked like! I know Tom probably has many cousins, but I know of one in particular. Last year I had been marathoning Lost and had looked up the guy who plays creepy Ethan, only to find that he was Tom Cruise’s cousin. And he happens to look like Suri, or more appropriately, Suri happens to look exactly like him.

Look at the eyes. They both have a strange downward slant and hooded lids:


Who knows. Maybe she got it from Tom’s side of the family and he’s really the father. Stranger things have happened. But while I’d been more inclined to think she was a genetic clone of Katie or spliced with DNA from the hair off a brush of L. Ron Hubbard, I guess this cousin theory is more plausible.

I hope Katie’s 5 year/$8 million contract + perks is worth it.

Nice job, Karl Malone.

Yesterday I was shooting baskets on the same hoop as an old guy sporting crazy hair, like a Middle-Eastern Albert Einstein. He was kind of annoying me because he was the type who can’t really play, but throws the basket at the hoop so hard it comes slamming off the backboard and will bean you in the back of the head if you don’t keep an eye on it, but I lived with it. This white guy who was about 6’7″ and his slim girlfriend came in and asked the guy if he wanted to play 2-on-2. The guy said no, he wasn’t very good, but the guy said he wasn’t good either and the girl doesn’t play at all. We all shot around and the guy was kind of patronizing to her which was annoying considering she was actually pretty athletic and decent though clearly not someone who’s had a history of playing. So I said, let’s play 2’s. I guarded him rather than her, and he said that she didn’t know the rules so I said we wouldn’t worry about it.

During the game, she played hard and made quite a few shots. We weren’t really guarding her, just standing straight up when she shot, but he kept yelling, “Don’t play defense against her.” It really made me want to stick him with an elbow in the gut, which was right about where my elbows were, the guy was so tall. It was just really rude because it was condescending and devaluing her abilities.

It’s like this guy thinks that he thinks she’s great, I mean, obviously since he’s dating her, but he doesn’t really see her because he’s kind of seeing her through a projection of himself or his idea of her/women. Which is a shame to not really see what makes a person truly unique and beautiful, especially the person you are with. That truth is really the pearl within the oyster. I’m not saying she’s a great person as I don’t know her, but I could just tell how limited his scope was and that was a shame.

I didn’t really do much in the game, just passed it to my teammate, Einstein, and let him bounce the ball off the backboard while congratulating everyone who did anything good. I hit a few shots but I wasn’t too into it. After the game, I was leaving to do cardio and stopped to shake hands with Einstein. He doesn’t let go of my hand and tells me, “I can tell you’re a good person.” I say thank you and he doesn’t let go, still shaking my hand. “I can tell you’re a good person, that your parents raised you right and everything about you is good. Trust me, I’m 60 years old and I’m wise because I’m old so I can tell. You are truly a good person.”

I cover his hand with my other one and hold his in both of mine, warmly, and say, “Thank you. You’re very kind.” And I look him the eyes and connect. He smiles, happy, and lets go of my hand. I pat him on the shoulder, smile and leave.

I realized that I don’t really look that many people in the eye. I mean, I look at them, often in fleeting glances if they’re aware of me, and I’m always perceiving them, but only when I want to do I look in a straightforward way in which they know without a doubt that they have all of my attention and I’m really openly connected. Earlier that day, I’d had a long chat with my dentist. I’ve been going to him for 5 years now, but for some reason that day, we stopped and had a 45 minute discussion about life and people. He said that when people talk, it’s often a projection of themselves, what they want or what they fear. It was funny that he should have mentioned that because earlier in the conversation when we were talking about my ex-boss, I could tell from what he was saying, his feelings and insecurities about dating.

Maybe that moment on the court was just an old man wanting to tell a passing stranger an observation. Or maybe people just want another person to look at them and truly see them as good people so they can feel validated. Or maybe what it was really about was that this guy just wanted someone to see him and acknowledge him.

I think that’s important to every person, whether we consciously acknowledge it or not. No one wants to feel insignificant. Insignificance is the first warning sign that a person might be disappearing and deep down, that is one of the most human fears.

I’ve been hosting various people at our place so it’s gotten in the way of creative efforts, but it’s been a great time. My mom had a conference at Sony so we drove down from the bay area together on Wednesday. It was a relaxing drive where we chatted the whole way and watched the sun set over the hills. My mom wanted to stop at Harris Ranch for steaks. She didn’t remember the name of the place, just asked for “that famous steak place where everything smells like cow poo.” I knew that meant Harris Ranch. It was the first time I ate there as well and true to rumor, the whole place smells like pungent cow export, which kind of made me feel a little weird. The steaks were very good, but since I’ve been eating really healthy, I wasn’t able to eat very much of mine.

The next day, my mom had a meeting so I dropped her off and took Michael to get my car washed and to get him a haircut. Usually I tell the stylist how to cut it, but I figured I would let him do it himself. It just felt right.

When he was done, she’d cut it really short, almost like a crew cut. I freaked out inside because I knew my mom would freak out and ask me why I didn’t supervise. I asked Michael if he liked it and he said, “Yes,” so I didn’t want to be a jerk about it. But I was laughing because I knew how mad my mom was going to be (as predicted, as soon as she saw him she turned to me and asked, “How could you let him do that to his hair?” I told her, “It grows on you. It’s the same cut Brad Pitt had in ‘Ocean’s 11.'”)

My mom had a room at the Beverly Hilton, paid for by Sony so Michael wanted to stay with her. It was going to work out because Rie and Eric were going to stay with me that night, on their way to Coachella. Beverly Hilton is about 2 miles from my house, along the same street Michael used to walk from my house to my work so while I was dropping him off, I joked that if he got bored, he could just walk back to my place since it was off of the same street. He said, “Because it’s not that far, right?” I said, “Just a few miles. It’s not that far.” But then I remembered he takes everything I say seriously so I added, “I’m just kidding. If you want to come home, call me and I’ll come pick you up.”

So that night, I was waiting for Rie and Eric and rolled up a blend I wanted to try out. It’d been a couple of hours when I get a call from my brother. He asks me if I can do him a favor and I think, oh crap. I’m so not in the right state. He asks me if I can bring them some toothpaste. I ask him if he can just get it from the hotel. He tells me that the store is closed and they really need it. Since I rarely say no to my family, I figure, maybe this is a challenge from the universe, so I’d better suck it up and do it. Besides, it’s 1 street, 2 miles. I just have to stay close to the speed limit and be alert.

So I’m driving and everything is fine though I’m pretty sure I’m driving with my eyes bugged out. I’m okay, since it’d been a few hours since I’d smoked. I hit a stop sign and I’m trying to figure out which way would be the best way to go, when I turn and notice, there’s a cop behind me. I’m freaking out, racking my brain to remember if I’d made a full stop but I can’t remember. So I’m driving and this cop is behind me and I’m starting to freak out but I’m trying really hard to focus.

The cop stays behind me, ALL THE WAY into the driveway of the Hilton and I’m thinking, dude, he wouldn’t pull me over in front of a posh hotel. That would be bad for business. All of a sudden, I notice, the places is fucking swarming with cops. Turned out, the Hilton was hosting a Sheriff’s Convention that night but I took it as a big freakin’ joke on me by the universe. Delivering toothpaste down the street. I should have known it was a setup.

So I’m all paranoid and freaked out, and sure that anyone who sees me will know I’m in an altered state. The valet comes up and gives me a ticket but I calmly tell her that I’m just dropping off toothpaste for one of their guests. So she reaches out her hand and I hand her the toothpaste and we both kind of stare at it confused, but then she says, “No, uh…I just need the ticket back.” “Oh,” I say. “I’m sorry, it’s been a long day.” Finally my brother comes down and I damn near throw the tube at him and take off, not saying hi or giving him a hug…just shoving the toothpaste at him and saying bye over my shoulder as I run back into my car.

I drove so slowly home, probably looking at my rearview mirror as much as the road in front of me.

The next day, I wanted to take Rie and Eric to brunch. I had told Michael to call me when he got up, but since my phone hadn’t rung, I figured he was still asleep. I didn’t realize I had left my cell in my car. As we were getting into the car, I heard my phone ring. It was my mom. My super hysterical mom.

“Did you know your brother’s walking to your house right now?”

“WHAT?!?”

“I just called him to see what he’s doing and he said he’s walking to your house.”

“WHAT?!?”

“WHY IS HE WALKING TO YOUR HOUSE???”

“I joked with him that he could yesterday.”

“YOU BETTER GO GET HIM!”

I think it’s funny but I’m also panicking. I call him on his cell.

“Uh, Michael….where are you?”

“I’m walking to your house.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“I did. I left three messages.”

Oh crap, I’m such a bad sister.

“I’m coming to pick you up now, okay?”

“Okay.”

Then something disturbing occurs to me.

“Are you walking in the right direction?”

“Don’t know.”

“Okay, are there any restaurants or places around you you can tell me the name of?”

“No.”

“Do you see any street signs?”

“Curson.”

Curson? I think that’s in Beverly Hills?

“Okay Michael, stop walking, I’m going to pick you up.”

I put in Curson in my GPS and it says it’s 4 miles away. I check my cellphone and realize his last call to me was an hour and forty minutes earlier. I start to panic. I call him back.

“Michael, what’s the cross street?”

It takes him some time, then finally…

“Wilshire.”

Christ, he’s walking into the heart of the city, in completely the wrong direction.

“Do you see any people you can ask for direction?”

“I see a Ralph’s. And an Ihop.”

“Okay, go into the Ihop and stay put, okay? I’m on my way.”

At this point I’m pretty sure that Rie and Eric think I’m an awful sister and a retard since it’s turned into a rescue mission because I’d joked with my brother to walk home the day before. I GSP Ihop and the next one indeed is 4 miles away. I call them just to check the cross street, that it’s close to Curson. I call the guy and ask, then ask him if there’s a large Asian man who looks slightly lost. He keeps asking me, “What?” but I hear Michael in the background coughing so I tell him, “Nevermind” and hang up. It felt good that at least I knew where my brother was.

I hit every red light and was so mad. I was trying to get to my baby brother! Finally, we found the Ihop and Eric jumped out to get Michael. He had his suitcase and a shopping bag with his stuffed dolphins and I felt miserable that he’d walked halfway across the city like that. If my mom hadn’t called me and we’d given him another hour, he would have hit Koreatown from Century City. That’s so fucked up.

I took them to Toast on 3rd St. where everyone working and eating there is an actor or industry type of some sort, but the food is good. I introduced Eric and Rie to red velvet cake, which I’d been craving. They left for Coachella shortly afterwards.

Later that night, we picked up our mom and went to Orris on Sawtelle in West LA, a Japanese tapas place I’ve been reading a lot about on Chowhound. We had a one hour wait so we browsed the stores on the stree
t. I tried on a top and came out of the dressing room and asked my brother how it looked. He’s known for giving very straightforward answers. “You’re asking me because you would want me to tell you if you looked fat, right?” he asked. I started laughing.

“Definitely,” I told him, thinking crap. I must look fat. “You don’t look fat at all. You look great,” he said.

Poor kid. I think my mom gives him such a hard time about “being fat” that so much of his head revolves around that. I’ve been trying to get her to change her outlook, to not make it about all things revolving around fat (ie “Don’t eat that because it’s fattening,” “You need to lose weight”), but about healthier living (ie “Fried foods aren’t as healthy” “Exercise is good for our health because it’ll make us feel better”). I don’t want my brother to feel bad because he’s overweight, much of it he can’t help because of what his medication does to his metabolism. I want him to feel encouraged to make positive choices and confident in being able to take good care of himself.

I offered to take our bags back to the car and when I walked by this karaoke bar, the security guy watched me walk by and said, “You’re awfully happy.” I laugh and tell him, “I’m just a happy person.” Lately, I definitely have been. Though I suspect most people would also be happy if they didn’t have a job. I also credit B vitamins for turning me from a moody tweaker always on the verge of an anxiety attack, to a people-loving hippie.

Orris was good though not mindblowing. The tuna tartare on endive dish was probably the best, while the sauteed scallops were good. The fried stuffed squash blossoms were interesting if not a little greasy, while the fried chicken with curry dipping sauce was…fried chicken with curry-infused dipping sauce. Nothing spectacular. We got some fried anchovies that I suspect none of us liked but we felt obligated to semi-finish, and the quail was savory but again, not mindblowing. I equate it to what a Bruckheimer movie secretly is to me. I enjoy it while I’m there, but two weeks later, I can’t tell you anything about it. I also get a little bored with the fried tempura style of several of the dishes.

Speaking of fried foods, I do have to give a shout out to Kyochon for Korean-style fried chicken. They’re known for frying the chicken first in oil, then in butter, which makes their food the queen sluts of all sluts. I usually order their wings which are overpriced but unbelievable. They offer original and spicy, and while I love all things spicy, their spicy version is a bit like the sauce for sweet & sour pork which I hate, so I highly recommend the original which is crispy and garlicky with just the right hint of sweetness. Extremely addictive and they will put you in a fetal position with guilt if you’re on a diet.

Sunday night was a crowded house with my family at my place and Eric and Rie returning from Coachella, dirty and full of stories about camping in the dessert and Prince. Eric almost caught a sweat towel that Prince threw but was knocked down by someone lunging. I told him he needed to learn how to box out. You bend your knees and stick out your ass, I told him. If you’d done that, Rie would be having her way with that towel right now.

We stayed up talking on my front balcony, the one that faces the Mormon Temple. We realized that the statue at the top points in the direction of the Scientology complex, and maybe this is a big war between religions. Considering the area around the Mormon Temple is well-kept, safe and upscale while the Scientology complex is in the middle of a crack jungle, I would say the Mormon’s are winning. I’m glad I’m behind their lines. I do have to tell you that the thing looks like a radio tower though. The way they looked in 1950’s sci-fi depictions. I’m pretty sure they’re trying or are actually getting communication from god or whatever greater being is out there. I spend many nights sitting out there, staring at that thing, wondering what actually goes on in that building.

Rie and Eric took off the next day after lunch and homemade ice cream treats at Milk. I am still in pursuit of a 4-pack, but ever since a Chinese guy told me that it’s very hard for Chinese people to get stomach definition, I’ve been struggling with focus. Had another great day with my family including a nice “miss you guys” email from my dad, and my mom left the next day.

There’s talk again about me moving to San Francisco. My dad found a condo in the city he wants me to look at, which I’ll do next week before I head to London. I’m still not willing to give up my home in LA though. That night, sitting on the balcony with Eric and Rie, looking out at the temple and laughing and feeling good, I realized that this place is my castle. However I feel about religion, at night, that temple is lit up like a piece of art, a symbol of hope and inspiration, and in my gut, I know that living so close to it in such a safe, peaceful environment is a huge factor in my ability to have overcome the demons of my past and become the person I am today. I’m willing to share it’s beauty with others I trust, but I’m not willing to give it up. I’m hoping I can find a way to have the situation I would like, to keep this as my home base, my energy source, while still being able to live part-time in other places so that I can expand my horizons and social circle while gaining life experience. This is what I hope for.

so i asked her, “ma’am, are you lost?”

do you want to see this

Saw 88 Minutes today.

Awful, awful movie.

And Al Pacino officially looks like a crazy man. Who can’t seem to stop touching girls in the movie.

I kept giggling when they would show a one shot of him standing there, looking far off with his hair wild, like some schizophrenic homeless guy who’s suddenly realized he’s naked in front of the Queen at the ball. Near the end of the movie, this guy in front of me kept turning around to laugh with me every time they showed him with that crazy look.

The movie didn’t even make sense. I hate it when movies leave out the details that allow them to flow or when things are ridiculous and contrived.

My point. If you spend money on this movie, don’t say I wasn’t a good citizen by trying to warn you.

Things I Treasure:

Health
Freedom
Autonomy
Interconnection
Warmth
Kindness
Coolness
Release

Relief after Great Struggle and Challenge
Acknowledgment of Progress

Innocence
Magic
Words
The Magic of Words
Understanding Beyond Words

The Swirling Depths of a Person’s Soul through their Eyes
Those Who Have Depth

Unconditional Positive Regard
Mind Melding
Fingers Intertwined and Pulsing to the Rhythm of Heartbeats
Longing and Reward

Recognizing a Stranger
When the Stranger is a Friend
Stealth
Anonymity

Observing without Affecting

mostly,

The Strong Belief that This Is Just the Beginning

there are special people in this world who serve very specific roles.

you can find them in the most unusual places but always places that experience high traffic of “travelers.”

they have the ability to inject color into otherwise gray lives, suddenly awakening the sleepwalkers or providing moral support for weary travelers. sometimes they put people on life-changing paths. sometimes they are just sign posts.

sometimes, these people salvage lives.

we should be thankful for them and keep an eye out for them in these strange but completely necessary places. be careful not to be fooled by the wolves who pretend to be them. while these special people may not consciously be aware themselves, they represent something bigger, a place where you, i and every conscious being on the planet connect. and sometimes, stopping to ask for directions becomes the key that unlocks something completely new.

Back off of Josh Howard. Seriously, what’s the big deal. It can actually benefit some people, while there’s a more dangerous substance that’s legally acceptable.

http://www.commondreams.org/views01/0315-03.htm