The thing I want to talk about most, I can’t.
I’m sure some people are quite aware but it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t. Some things, you just can’t put on the table out of respect and that’s always something I try to be…respectful. And plus, there’s no point in things being awkward or people getting hurt. I guess I really mean me. My getting hurt because there is no other potential outcome. I really don’t like getting hurt because secretly, everything I present to people is a real part of me, whether I make it seem as such or not, and more gets to me than my pride lets me let on. And plus, I don’t want to be an asshole.
So I keep it to myself. And I try not to think about it. And I try to not let it get to me or influence my moods.
But if people only understood how hard having Venus in the 12th house was, they would understand a little more about me and about who I am instead of how I seem to be. I’ve always said astrology is a means of understanding elements, so I don’t know if it’s possible to break things or change things…I just notice when things seem to support those presented elements, though I’ll always be optimistic, because how else would life be worth going forward with if there was not hope? But it often seems that it’s hard for there to be a balance for me, to be able to have what I want, what I truly value, what feels good without there being some kind of catch. Or it seems I’ll be able to have something, but it can never be acknowledged for what it is, it can never be seen without conflicting some other structure, and it’s always on someone else’s terms. That’s why I think it’s so funny for people to think I need control…so often things are on another person’s terms but I’m willing to make the compromise because to find someone that means a lot to me and feels safe for me is rare. I just go with it and appreciate things for what they are. It’s kind of like always being hungry though, but I guess there are benefits of that. You’re more appreciative of what you get.
Is that true? Or what I tell myself because I always seem to have the consolation prize? It doesn’t matter though. Life is what it is. And you deal with it or you don’t.
The one thing that I feel people misunderstand though, until they really get to know me is that I’m not a difficult person and I don’t have a driving need for control , though I’m very protective of my autonomy until I’ve gotten to know a person well. I do understand I am hard to get close to until I trust a person, which I’m capable of. I think it’s more of a method to filter out people who should and shouldn’t be too close to me rather than a way of fucking with people or keeping ALL people out. For those who are trustworthy and that I establish good rapport with, it’s very easy for them to naturally disable or slip through these defenses and get close to me, and I’m real with them because if they find me, they’re the right people to have in my life and we add to each other’s lives rather than detract. For everyone else, I’m still real and nice to those who are good people, but they just won’t get to know me as intimately as others, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing either. It’s still an honest human relationship. I also think, at the end of the day, there are reasons why people don’t get close to each other even if they could. I think sometimes people connect on one level, but they still have to maintain social boundaries on another, so it is what it is…life. As we taught my brother so he could recognize people and how to interact appropriately, there are circles–you have inner circles, people you trust, your friends and family. You have an outer circle, your acquaintances, your coworkers, etc. People you are friendly but people you don’t hug and say I love you to (we actually had to do this to get my brother to understand this specifically!). And then there’s everyone else. And sometimes people move between circles, but basically, I think that’s how all humans are. You can’t have the entire world in your inner circle or standing outside of all the circles.
Whatever. Life is life. You deal with it or you don’t. You find people who you pass the time with, interact with, learn things from, and if you’re lucky, you meet random special people who you forge deep connections with based on true understanding and unconditional positive regard. These are people you can talk about anything with, and they will listen and take you seriously because they value you and all of you. Sometimes these connections last a life time and if so, you’re very, very lucky. Sometimes they’re fleeting, ephemeral. And if so, you’re still lucky because at least you had it. And that’s something you can’t take for granted.