Echo

WOW.

What I found the most interesting was that there’s sheet music that goes with it.

I have not visited He Looks Like in almost two weeks, let alone posted any new pictures. I have developed an A-V-E-R-S-I-O-N. This could turn into a problem. I think it stems from me being pissed at this guy for agreeing to let me use his photo, then backpedaling by criticizing the photo release and acting like I was some sleazy swindler, though I’m not acutely upset over this so it just feels like a general anxiety when I think about that site. In general, I have to learn to not be so sensitive.

*****
I’ve spent most of this week analyzing the Upright Citizens Brigade’s Season 1 DVD. The first half of the season was horrendous but the second half got really good. It seemed like Comedy Central started giving them more freedom, or they got more comfortable taking risks. Particularly brilliant was this piece called Albert Einstein’s Audio Journal. It was broken up into three pieces interwoven between pieces of other vignettes, but the first one was priceless. Here’s the transcript of Al’s narration, a voice-over accompanied by images of Albert idling around his house.

“December 16th, 1921. Last night I was honored with the Nobel Prize in theoretical physics. This worldwide recognition has given me the opportunity to bring hope to a war-ravaged world. I vowed to myself I would work like a dog at this. And now…it’s 10:30 in the morning and I’m just getting out of bed. I did get up early at 8am, but I just lied in bed for a while then…jerked off. “

[pounds leg apathetically with fist]

“Got to stop masturbating. Makes me toooooo lazy. Stop it, Albert…………..stop it.”

*****
Also, don’t miss Andy Richter’s cameo is Hansel of Hansel & Gretal. The pair enlists in the help of fairy-tale creatures to take care of a “mess,” a la Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction. Apparently, Gretal just wanted to push her into the oven, but then Hansel went crazy with the cookie cutter. Fucking twisted.

I saw the Upright Citizens Brigade perform in New York in 1999. They did improv and Rachel Dratch and Horatio Sanz were part of the cast that night. It was awesome…I love improv anyway and am always going to the Groundlings’ shows, but I just remember Rachel Dratch being the funniest looking person I’ve ever seen, but she was hilarious as this nasty old man who used to be the “make out king” in high school. I can’t tell you how pleased I am that she ended up on SNL.

I love SNL. Good or bad, I love it. It was single-handedly the biggest influence that got me into writing.

*****
I’ve got to film something. I’m going crazy with the itch. I’m talking to Reggie and he’s getting ready to shoot his film in July and he’s telling me I need to get back into production and it’s driving me crazy, the craving. When you get a full-time job, you really get addicted to that security and stability. Once I finish my current writing projects, that’s next on my agenda. The only thing is the organization. I don’t want to produce my own projects anymore because it’s just too hard to concentrate on all the practical aspects of production along with directing and I want to do a project where for once, I have the luxury of concentrating on just directing. I’m going to try to convince Reggie to produce. The guy makes things happen.

*****
Darius Songaila posts a career-high 23 points and a season-high 12 rebounds tonight. And who was the only fantasy team out of the thousands of teams on espn who added him for tonight’s game? Yup, that’s right. Team Gonads and Strife. I may be the queen geek of sports geeks, but don’t say I don’t know my basketball.

Everyone’s talking about how messed up this trade was on Sac’s side. But by trading a cancer for three role players, you’re about to see Sac turn into a T-E-A-M again.

More NBA Trade Deadline News

Warriors get: Baron Davis
Hornets get: Speedy Claxton, Dale Davis

Whut. They gave up Speedy. That pisses me off.
Okay, as far as positives, Baron Davis is a damn good player when he’s healthy. Teamed up with Richardson, they’ll be a dynamic backcourt with insane scoring ability and entertainment value. I just have a tough time with his contract and the fact that he’s never healthy. And the fact he’s got a big mouth.

Celtics get: Antoine Walker
Hawks get: Gary Payton, Michael Stewart, Tom Gugliotta

Tom Gugliotta was my favorite player in high school. I met him once at a Radiohead concert and told him, “You were my favorite player in high school.” And he said, “Was?” And I was embarrassed but in hindsight, c’mon. You haven’t been good since you married that hot athlete wife of yours.

Antoine Walker gets traded back to Boston where he and Paul Pierce were once a potent duo. He’ll probably have to accept a role that’ll be smaller than the one he had during his last tour of duty, due to the emergence of the young players and the focus that management has on them. He’s no longer the man he was on the J.V. Hawks. My guess is that Al Jefferson in company are going to have increased rebound numbers as they run around collecting all of Toine’s misses.

Hawks get Gary Payton. I’m sure he’ll be a great locker-room influence on the young guys. I take this as a signal that they want Antoine to chew up less of the minutes and shots so that they can develop the two Joshes and company.

Spurs get: Nazr Mohammed, Jamison Brewer
Knicks get: Malik Rose

I have no idea how Nazr’s going to do or what his role and minutes will be in San Antonio. He started out the season strong but then faded, and now that he’s playing with the NBA’s premiere monster in the paint, I don’t know how much there will be for him to do, other than holding Timmy’s jock strap. Who knows though. Nazr is a decent center though who came cheap. This may be what it takes to allow Michael Sweetney to emerge. Nazr’s presence moved Kurt Thomas to the 4-spot, cutting into Sweetney’s minutes. This trade will allow Kurt to work as an undersized center again, with Sweetney and Malik playing PF. Sweetney’s a darling of management. I wouldn’t mind seeing what he can do with this shake-up.

Knicks get: Maurice Taylor
Rockets get: Vin Baker, Moochie Norris

Mo was doing pretty well in his supporting role in Houston. There’s a minor logjam now in New York with Mo Taylor, Michael Sweetney and Malik Rose basically playing the same position, along with Kurt Thomas being undersized for the center position. The Knicks will probably experiment with some big and small line-ups, moving Rose to the 5 and Taylor to the 3 if it comes down to that. But it really doesn’t matter since the Knicks have the best point guard in the league and all…

Warriors get: Nikoloz Tskitishvili, Rodney White
Nuggets get: Eduardo Najera

I could kill someone.

This is one of the best descriptions of a person I’ve ever read.

Regarding Robert “Tractor” Traylor, former Michigan alumnus and current NBA player:

[A] 284-pound human square with the perpetual expression of a man who just found a parking ticket on his windshield.

–Ric Bucher

For full article about the underappreciated in the NBA

11th Hour NBA Trade News

76ers get: Chris Webber, Matt Barnes, Michael Bradley
Kings get: Corliss Williamson, Kenny Thomas, Brian Skinner

Chris Webber goes to Philly in exchange for Corliss Williamson, Kenny Thomas and Brian Skinner. I am f-ing THRILLED. I hate Webber. He slows down the offense, he holds the ball for too long, he’s a pig. I’ve also noticed that while he racks up guard-like assists each game, he can NEVER seem to find Brad Miller or Peja. It usually turns into a two-man game between him and Bibby, which pisses me off because Peja and Brad are two of my favorite players. Bibby, Peja and Brad Miller played really well without him at the beginning of last season and were rolling until he came back and messed up the chemistry. I’ve been grumbling about how Webber needs to leave and finally…as the clocked ticked down.

Philly’s a stronger team now with a low-post guy with a consistent outside shot and great passing ability. Maybe this will even improve the glut of young SGs over there, who aren’t even averaging double-figures in scoring, last I checked. The only things that will stop them internally are if Webber can stay healthy and how he’ll affect the team chemistry, but his addition gives Philly a deadly multi-dimensional game, when you count in AI’s slashing and Poor-Man’s-Ashton-Kutcher (Korver)’s shooting. What I’m interested in though is this–if Webber goes down, with the crowd in Philly’s post gone, that means that Dalembert will have a chance to really step up. I’d keep my eye on Sammy. He’s been severely underachieving all season, but with most of the guys crowding his position gone, if Webber’s hurt, it’ll be just him and Marc Jackson manning the post. As for Sac, watch Brad Miller go CRAZY. Also, Brad has really good chemistry with Songaila. Songaila tends to have big games when Webber is out and he plays the 4 with Miller at 5. I’m excited for Sac. Once Peja gets healthy, they’re going to going to have an interesting run. The Big Nasty is a great 6th man and hustler, and Kenny Thomas does the little things that complement a team’s superstars. What remains to be seen is how the team’s defense will shake out.

Cavs get: Jiri Welsch
Celtics get: 2007 First Round Draft Pick

I love Jiri. He was drafted in the 2nd round by Golden State and that summer, he outplayed Dunleavy Jr. in the summer league. He’s a workhorse and hustles, can pass, shoot the 3 and play defense, and is reliable. He’s not flashy but he’s the kind of complementary player who can get things done. I don’t know what this means for the Cavs since I’m not sure yet how they’re going to use him, or how quickly he’ll adapt to a new team. But LeBron will like him. He consistent when it comes to finishing. As for Boston, they’re making way for their talented rookies. Gary Payton’s agent’s talking about how Gary wants a two-year extension in Boston…this after he was saying that he would refuse to report to training camp at the beginning of the season. Keep your eye on Tony Allen.

76ers get: Rodney Rogers, Jamal Mashburn
Hornets get: Glenn Robinson

A trade of contracts but Philly wins. Glenn Robinson hasn’t played all season and teams wanted his expiring contract. Mashburn’s a star but his career is over. Rodney Rogers will probably take over Kenn Thomas’ role. I’ve always felt he was a similar player to Corliss, so it makes sense. This will free up playing time for Lee Nailon in NO. Whatever for NO. They’re just focusing on developing their young players at this point. Keep your eye on J.R. Smith.

Bucks get: Reece Gaines, 2 draft picks
Rockets get: Mike James

Hmmm… Mo Williams all by himself running the point in Milwaukee. He started off HOT at the beginning of the season when Mike James was on the DL, averaging around 8 assists a game. I’m assuming he’ll hit those numbers again. Meanwhile, James will probably start for Houston since Sura’s been hurt, as he always is, and Ward’s still recovering from knee surgery. I like Reece Gaines. He has a cool name. I don’t see either team improving that much. I’m waiting to see if the Bucks move Michael Redd. If so, it’ll be interesting. Right now, the Bucks are too soft (don’t everyone look at Keith Van Horn all at once…)

Baron Davis

Golden State is in talks with New Orleans about acquiring Baron Davis for Dale Davis and his contract. Other players will probably be involved.

???

Oh man. They just signed Speedy and Derek Fisher to big contracts, both thinking that they were going to be handed the starting PG position. Richardson is locked into the 2, but Montgomery has been experimenting with a small lineup that allows Fish and Speedy to be on the court at the same time. But do we really need 3 PGs?

Baron Davis is a damn good player…when he’s healthy. Unfortunately, he tends to be healthy for no more than 50-60% of each season due to nagging back problems. This year, he’s missed 36 out of 54 games.

The Warriors need a reliable big guy, or they need a Big Nasty who cleans up and can score (Like a rich man’s Najera). They need a post presence, since Troy Murphy doesn’t play with his back to the basket. Zack Randolph would be a better option in theory than Baron Davis, what with the situation in Golden State and the risks involved with taking on Baron. Zack was also on the championship Michigan State team with J-Rich. Even Shareef would be great! We would LOVE to have Shareef.

Unless they can get Baron Davis for Dale and nothing else, I don’t want them to do this trade. Even trading the Davises straight up is daunting, because Baron’s contract is huge, and there are some really amazing superstar free agents hitting the market soon (read: Yao). Maybe if New Orleans was willing to take Adonal as well and send over PJ Brown. Adonal’s contract is a joke. But Baron Davis is an expensive mistake.

Oh yeah, your moment of zen…

I’m going to three weddings this year. Sounds like 2005 is a festive year. I like weddings. I always cry at them.

*****
I’m currently reading Emergence: The Connected Lives of Ants, Brains, Cities, and Software . If you know me, then you know about my obsession with the symbolic value of ants. I just feel like if we examine ants and their society as well as how limited their perspective seems in our eyes, we can understand our place in the world and the infinite expanses and layers of the universe, both in macro and micro degrees of reality. I just started this book and it talks about all the things I’ve always obsessed about since I was a kid–how mathematics is the key to things, how randomness is actually made up of interactions between groups of mathematical equations, and it seems random because of our limited perspective of only a small portion of the “rules” (programming) at play, how, if we created a cross-disciplinary think tank of artists, philosophers, psychologists, mathematicians, physicists, linguists, biologists, etc….we would be able to unravel the big question of, what is existence. I highly recommend this book (even though I’m only on Chapter 1). If anyone reads it, I want to talk to you about it! I think I want to visit the woman up at Stanford that I just read about who studies ants and has really intriguing observations about their culture and society. They have complete urban-esque infrastructure to their colonies.

*****
Biggest Celebrity Sighting Ever (no pun intended)

I just went to El Cholo with Nate, his girlfriend and Plumb. We sat next to…Jared from Subway. Now, there is NOTHING on El Cholo’s menu that is 6 grams of fat or less, or possibly 60 grams or less. I got some questions for you, Jared. Me and the rest of the American public. Subway, my ass. Lipo, more like it.

I was asking Plumb if he thought Jared was some kind of weight-Nazi. Like, after having gone through the near-impossible task of losing 200 pounds, if he was hyper aware of other people’s fat and could look at a person and say, “You OBVIOUSLY have no self-discipline.” So I made sure to suck in my stomach when I walked by. (no, not really)

*****
The Taurus called today. I was surprisingly surprised. I guess I’ve been talking myself into thinking he’s just a player because it’s safer to think that way. This whole trust thing that I’ve said I’m going to try to do…it’s kind of scary. What if I pick the wrong guy to trust? I mean, there are guys who are obvious good guys. Like Jake is an obvious good guy. Even if things don’t work out on a relationship level, you still know that deep down, you can trust them because they’re decent, kind people. I don’t really know the Taurus well. I’ve known him for over a year but always felt he was too flirty to be a good person. That he must be a player, and players hurt me. Plus, I don’t trust anyone who works in the film industry. But in truth, I don’t know this guy so I may as well find out. He could surprise me and be a great person, or he could disappoint me and be a jerk. I’m spending so much energy trying to not spend energy analyzing, because I feel like it’s a waste to sitting around wondering rather than finding out. It’s scary though. God, this trust thing. It’s like learning how to walk again. The fear of failing is worse than any actual failure, yet you would think that just knowing that would squelch the fear. You’ve just gotta approach things with a sense of adventure.

I went out once a few years ago with this one guy I thought I could really like. We went out to dinner and it was a blast, but I wasn’t sure if he was interested on a friendship level or a romantic one. So I just stopped answering his calls or calling him back. It didn’t make sense at the time, it doesn’t make sense in hindsight, but I think I went into full protective mode. Perhaps dating someone I could actually like feels like a scarier predicament than dating someone I don’t, because the former presents the possibility of a rejection that could actually hurt, while the latter leaves you to wallow in complete apathy about the outcome of the dance. Funny. He kind of called me on it one day when I talked to him on the phone, saying that he was wondering if I was avoiding him. And I give him mad props for calling me on my weirdness, because my behavior was definitely strange. I hope one day I’ll meet a guy who can just grab me by the metaphorical collar and sit me down, and tell me to relax–everything’s gonna be alright…no one’s out to hurt you. I think that as long as no one can catch me, no one can hurt me. But maybe standing still, relaxing and letting myself be caught can be alright, too.

*****
My Evaluation From My Grade School Teacher:

–She’s too fast for the girls, but the boys are too rough for her. Handwriting is very poor.

*****
The downside of stream of consciousing everything is that I end up with typos that make me look really dumb. I wish I were as interested in rereading the things I write so I can check for mistakes as I am in spewing this stuff out of my head.

We live in a beautiful world when we can pull in for a quickie fill-up at the Pump n’ Munch.

shelteredgirl–there have been very few times in which I’ve read something that could unlock tears in me. what you just wrote was the deepest, most insightful thing i’ve ever read and it made me smile in a way that opens up from deep inside, for the first time in such a long while, because it reminds me that there is still so much good in this world, and as long as I know there are good people out there, it gives me hope that there is, in fact, a heaven.

I don’t think heaven is any one tangible place. I think it’s just a safe maternal haven where our energies can peacefully rest, knowing that there is nothing but good around them.

*****

sometimes i feel like i’m hiding out. that i’m actually quite pleased with my life and who i am, but i’ve learned it was safer to pretend to be miserable so that someone bigger than me wouldn’t try to take away my contentment. it’s so stupid, in hindsight. as most things are, i suppose. the greeks used to talk about the competition between parents and children, how they would sabotage each other, often tragically, for their own benefit. i hope that within our collective evolution as a human race and culture, we continue to move beyond that. but honestly, each one of us gets over our personal pain eventually. for me…when you’re standing outside in blanketing rain as a storm dances around you, cleansing your darkness and blowing its spirit into every fiber of your inner workings, you’ll suddenly be filled with that wonder again, over how amazing it is to be a part of a living, breathing world.

they say, don’t get the rain in your mouth…it’s poisonous these days. but i can’t help it. that sweet, cool taste that lights up my tongue is like finding god again.

new beginnings are good…

new beginnings are good.

My Post on Craig’s List (2/08/05)
aka A Rant About Crushing Down, Supply & Demand, the Lustfest That Is the Modern Day Coffee Chain, and Ugly Men & the Women Who Love Them

I’ve noticed something strange. You get a group of people who are confined to the same place for enough time, and a sexual hierarchy forms. Suddenly members of the opposite sex you wouldn’t normally give the time of day to become absolutely coveted because they’re the best of a raggedy bunch.

What I mean is this. I went to a small high school which didn’t have a lot of goodlooking guys. The goodlooking ones were given god-like status, the okay but funny ones had their pick of girls, and even the nasty ones got girls. And we would seriously FIGHT over them. And then we graduated and realized, whoa…there are other guys out there, and we look back and wonder, what the hell were we thinking????

Same thing happens in offices. You work at a small office. There are only two single ladies–one is average in every way (maybe even really boring), the other is fat, hairy and has a severe hygiene problem…the guys in the office will go APESHIT over the better looking girl, just because within the available pool, she’s the best choice and pickin’s are slim.

You get what I’m sayin’?

So I go to the same coffee chain every morning and sit for about 45 minutes trying to swallow my hatred for work before I actually go in. One day, while idly watching the people in the shop, I noticed that the dynamic was at play here. Over the months, I’ve noticed one single man who is about 40 and decent-looking. He’s not someone you would notice on the streets or someone who would wow your friends if you brought him home. But what works to his advantage, is that he’s in there EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. At about the same time. There are other people who are there every day, but of the men who aren’t wearing wedding bands, he’s the only one who isn’t old, ugly or homeless.

I’ve started feeling like an anthropologist watching the mating ritual of baboons, as I’ve gotten into the hobby of observing the dynamic that is at play. The thing is…women are ALWAYS hitting on him. And sometimes he pays attention to them, and sometimes he coyly ignores them, and it seems to drive the ladies crazy. They watch him and approach him and flirt with him like he’s a celebrity, when if you take him outside of the confines of the coffee shop and placed him in a larger pool of available males, he would NOT be the top pick. He’s a 3rd or 4th rounder at best. These girls even get a bit competitive with each other. I’ve witnessed many an evil eye directed at whatever particular pretty lady is getting his attention by one who is not. And what’s sadder is that these girls aren’t ugly. These women aren’t desperate recent divorcees (though some of them seem like it). These are women who should be out of his league, or girls who are too young to really want him for anything other than playing out some weird getting-daddy’s-attention deal.

So…why, people, why? You are coffee shop groupies. Please cease and desist. Because…it’s weird.

It’s like people get so crazy competitive when put in one place that they have to get the alpha male/female, even if that person isn’t an alpha in the grand scheme of the world.

I admit, I’ve fallen prey to this. I’ve worked in an office where there was only 1 single guy and about 20 girls so we all fought over him and he managed to sleep with a large percentage of the office. And then someone from “the outside” met him and said, “THAT’S him?” And later admitted that he was kind of butt ugly. He shouldn’t have been able to get any of us, but lucked out by placing himself in an arena where supply was devastatingly lower than demand.

I’m just saying…if you find yourself lusting after someone who by all necessary criteria isn’t in your league, someone you would probably be embarrassed taking home to your friends or family, just BREATHE, baby, and imagine if this person would still be attractive to you outside of the confined setting and amongst the general population. If the answer is no, then stop feeding the monster! You’re just bored. Do a crossword puzzle. It’ll save you the embarrassment of actually catching what you shouldn’t have been chasing in the first place.

When the feelings have no place to go.

It’s almost 1am and I have to be up at 5am tomorrow to catch my flight back to LA. I’m tired beyond words yet I can’t sleep because there’s something I want to let off my chest. I’m so sick and tired of this whole thing in my family about how there are things we keep behind closed doors. I’m so sick of having no outlet for things because I’ve been told what I’m allowed to say and not allowed to say. I’m tired of sacrificing my own well-being, and my ability to lead a fulfilling life, and I’m so tired of being afraid of letting anyone come close to me.

I’ve been here for 3 days and my father has not said a word to me. In fact, should we cross paths in this house, or even at the gym, it’s not even a meaningless silence like two ships passing in the night, each with nothing to do with the other. He sets his face like he’s walking by the dog that once bit him but who’s shit that he can’t look upon. I know this face. He taught it to me as the one I should show my enemies, to defeat their existence by blatantly refusing to acknowledge it.

Trying to be the bigger person, I’ve said hello to him twice the first time we ran into each other the morning after I arrived (twice in case he hadn’t heard me the first time), as well as at the gym later that day, when my brother and I ran into him. Both times, he refused to deign me with a response, speaking only to my brother.

Today was my brother’s birthday. We had 30 relatives over for a big party, and again he refused to talk to me, making a big show of sitting outside and smoking a cigar all by himself. I mentioned to my cousin that my dad wasn’t talking to me because we’d had a fight. He asked what the fight was over and I couldn’t give him an answer. I mean, I trust my cousin. He’s one of my favorite people in the world. But when I opened my mouth to speak, I realized that I didn’t know how to make it sound convincing. I didn’t know how to make anyone believe the mindfuck that goes on in this house. That’s the way things have always been. No one believes you, so you just keep quiet.

You want to know what the fight was over? What could cause a father to make such a display of not talking to his daughter?

On the day my brother was having surgery, I called my dad to find out how Michael was doing. My dad told me he was still in surgery. So in the meantime, I asked him how he was doing. This has been part of my efforts to connect with my dad more. My mom tells me he cries sometimes and says that I never call him, that I don’t care, etc. But the truth is, whenever I call, he’s very short with me and answers the phone with, “What do you want.” He usually either ends up yelling at me for being irresponsible about one thing or another, or complaining about my mother. So obviously, it’s not very pleasant to call because I can’t call just to talk the way I can with my mom, and usually, he doesn’t really want to talk to me anyway. But I’ve made an effort to try to call more and he seems to make an effort to be more pleasant.. Well, a week previously, I had called him when I found out about Michael cutting his hand and had suggested they look into other methods of behavior modification. He started yelling at me about how he’s under a lot of pressure because he’s doing this all by himself and the rest of us are so selfish, and hung up on me. This time, I asked him how he was doing and he told me that our lawyer needed me to create a timeline with specific dates for our lawsuit against my builders. I told him that all this happened so long ago (3 years) that I can’t remember specific dates, but I gave all the dates to our lawyer last year, so I just needed the lawyer to fax those over so I could do it. My dad flipped and started yelling at me about how this was BULLSHIT that I couldn’t remember and that I was lying just to get out of it. How he was sick of how I’m always asking him to do things and I never take care of things myself and I’m so irresponsible.

For whatever reason, I just got sick of taking his martyr act. Because I hadn’t asked him to do anything, it’s perfectly reasonable that I can’t remember specific dates from 3 years ago and I stated that I would write the timeline with the help of something I had previously given the lawyer. I tried to point out the fact that I hadn’t asked HIM for anything but he kept trying to tear me down. And I just had it. So I told him I was sick of him being a martyr and he needed to stop making things about how people mistreat him so he could feel sorry for himself. So he hung up on me.

I called him right back and told him that I didn’t ask HIM for anything and what I had asked (a fax of dates previously submitted to our lawyer) was perfectly reasonable. He accused me of not wanting to do it at all and how he was an old man and so tired of having to take care of me and everyone else. I told him that he was NOT taking care of me and that I’ve taken care of my life on my end. But he’s not even listening as he goes on a rant about how I’m just like my mother, so incredibly selfish and all he wants to do is go somewhere and live his life by himself. In my head I’m thinking, what the fuck? But I tried to reason with him. I ask him, “Is our relationship exactly what you always hoped it would be? Is it exactly what you always envisioned a relationship with your daughter would be?” He admitted, no. So I said, “Then why don’t you want to try? If we both want the same thing, to have a good relationship, if we both love each other, then why won’t you work with me.” And he says, “I don’t care. I gave up a long time ago.” I said, “You’re saying you gave up on me.” He said, “I’m done trying. I’m done doing anything for you and your mother.” I said, “I’m not my mother. Why do you keep lumping us together?” He said, “You and your mother are both so selfish. All you do is take take take and WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” And I had it. I said to him, “Listen to what I say next, because it may be the last thing I ever say to you. If you can’t even see me as my own person. If all you see me as is an extension of my mother and your hatred for her, then that is the cruellest thing that you could ever do to me.” And hung up.

I was very upset and called my mom to tell her about what my dad said. She just got really said and said, “I’m sooo sorry Julia. This wasn’t about you. He’s just taking things out on you. This is about me.” Apparently, they hadn’t talked in weeks. And as our family history goes, whenever he’s mad at her, my brother and I get the bitch stick. And with my brother hurt, that left me. My mom said, “He knows he can’t hurt me because I won’t talk to him anymore. But he knows that by hurting you, he can hurt me. He’s taking things out on you right now because you’re not as strong as me, and you’ll take it because you haven’t realized yet that you don’t have to.” And as much as it hurt to hear it, I knew it was true. And I saw it clearer than I ever saw it. And I remember, as I sat on that sidewalk sobbing into the phone, a healthy leap past hysterical, begging my mom not to die and leave me alone with him, I remembered a memory from my childhood, of being scared that she would leave me alone with him, because he could be incredibly cruel. He has a sadistic streak in him that’s crafty enough that if you’re a kid, you don’t know how to explain it to other adults. And I never could because I didn’t think anyone would believe me. He’s charming, you see…always has the best jokes, always willing to buy lavish dinners, always pulling out the most expensive whiskeys…but what you see in public, what my extended relatives see…they would never know. Because he had a rough child, abandoned by his parents, unloved by a selfish mother, a history that would make me weep as a child when my mom told them to me as bedtime stories. And it made me forgive him. For the little acts of sadism. For the anger, the violence that didn’t make sense. Because he’s had a hard life and I wasn’t exa
ctly completely innocent. But now, it seems that I’ve been sacrificing more than I realized. The reason I flip out when I’m faced with corrupt or unreasonable authority…it all stems from my relationship with my father. The way he could do things and no one would believe you. I used to watch him poke at my brother until my brother threw a tantrum, and then he would act like, “Look at THAT crazy kid.” But I knew he caused it, even though I never said anything. Because as long as my brother was the one getting into trouble, as long as it was my brother getting his sadistic attention, it meant I was safe. Sometimes he still purposely provokes my brother so that when my brother flips, he can act like, what the hell did he do to deserve this. Another miserable martyr act.

I’m so sick of it. This weekend of relatives coming up and telling me how I need to be a better daughter, I’m so sick of it. Because there’s no winning in this game. He’s made the rules so that we all lose. Because he needs this… to believe that I, like everyone else in his life who has failed him, make him miserable when I’ve done everything I could to make him happy…tried to be both a son and daughter to him when all he wants to see is disappointment so that he can keep feeling sorry for himself.

I’m done with it.

I ask my mom tonight, why should I give up my own happiness and self-esteem to play out the miserable cycle of someone intent on being miserable, all for the sake of culture? I’m 26 years old. I’m afraid of people, uneasy sometimes even around my friends because I’m afraid of being blindsighted by cruelty. I can never seem to shake the nagging feeling of dread that people might just be acting nice to me just to fuck with me when I least expect it. I’m terrified of relationships for the same reasons, all because one of the people I was most dependent on as a child was a Jeckyl and Hyde, prone to illogical bouts of sadism followed by contrite kindness all hidden under the guise of charm, whose violence sprung out of him without a second’s warning, who always made sure to undercut you the moment you were feeling any kind of emotional security, who always told me that we were one step away from the poorhouse because he had to support us, who made it seem like the reason he was always sick was because of the stress we caused him, who told me in secret he would commit suicide if my mom ever left him, who called me into the room and told me it was up to me to decide if they should get a divorce when she wanted to leave. Was he never a good father? No. He was always there for me during my knee surgeries and to shuttle me around. But even the worst wife beaters have moments where they were good, loving partners, and at the end of the day, it comes down to how good for you this person is. And I don’t want to play anymore sadistic games. Because I want to be happy, because I deserve it. Because I don’t have to be miserable anymore just because you are.

The Truth About Appliances

I’m grumpy when I wake up. It can’t be helped.

Today:

Michael: Do you want the heater on or off?
Me: I want it up my ass.
Michael: No Julia, it’s too big.

More random notes

For some reason I don’t want to write recaps lately. Perhaps I’m feeling more private than usual. Even though there isn’t much to hide. Anxiety, work, netflix, sexual abstinence…blah blah blah. What’s ever different.

I’ll tell you something that bugs me. Cancer. Yeah, it bugs me and does a lot worse to other people. It comes out of nowhere and fucks up the lives of good people and the good people who love them. Fuck Cancer. FUCK YOU. No one invited you to this party. But still, you show up, you park your stupid death-trap hatchback in the middle of the front lawn, you drink the last of the keg in your little red Solo cup, you grope people’s girlfriends when they’re passed out in the coat room and you let out the nastiest farts on the dance floor…

Honestly. Just go home. No one likes you and you ain’t got no friends. I fucking hate you.

*****
I’m at home in the bay area. There have only been 3 plane rides in my life where I seriously thought I was going to die, and today was one of them. My flight out got delayed for 5 hours and we took off in high turbulence. The plane got hit by lightning or something because there was this flash and a metallic CRACK! and people screamed. The woman behind me kept mumbling to no one in particular, “They wouldn’t let us take off in a storm if it was dangerous would they?” But we got to a higher altitude and it was fine. I was kind of sad though, in that I really like sitting at home with the door to the balcony and all the windows of my room open, just listening to the rain. Or waking up to the sounds of a storm outside, but knowing it’s the weekend and I get to stay under the covers. It doesn’t storm very often in LA, and I was sad that I would miss this one. Mostly, I just don’t want to be in this house.

*****
I figured out today that sometimes people have intimacy issues because they are afraid of criticism. They’re afraid that someone will get deep inside of them and then go to town on their most delicates, the inner chamber where their flaws stand naked and vulnerable. This points an accusational finger straight to a childhood influenced by someone who was unabashedly and relentlessly critical. It lends itself to a perpetual feeling that something is broken inside and will garner disapproval and disappointment, and that things will be okay once it’s fixed, whatever that may be. But unfortunately, it’s a phantom feeling, kind of like when people have their legs amputated, but they’ll still itch like crazy even though their legs are no longer there. That feeling will ALWAYS be there, and no matter how much you fix of yourself, it’ll still mysteriously exist. At some point, you have to stop fighting with it and start living with it. People will internalize something–in this case, a general environment of being criticized and feeling as though they’re seen as flawed along with feelings of incompletion–and believe that their imperfections are the causes of discomfort. And so they feel that once they fix whatever is causing the discomfort, whatever it is that will garner criticism, they will finally feel 100%. But it’s phantom–that feeling will persist. So they’ll keep fixing and fixing, driven by a fear of being wounded by criticism and of being seen as inferior, and end up being afraid to let anyone near them before they’ve fixed whatever will (or potentially might) be criticized. They in essence, piss their lives away. For the most irrational and frustrating of reasons.

Be good to your children. Let them know that no one is perfect and even if they make mistakes or don’t look or act a certain way, that they are still loved and that love is unconditional. Don’t nitpick at them until they get so scared of doing things wrong that they would rather not do anything at all. Because what a stupid reason not to let people get close to you, as a grown adult, just because you think that people will take away their love once they discover your flaws.

*****
I don’t trust people. I don’t trust people who can walk into a place and seem to be buddies with everyone. I don’t trust people who sit back and seem to know something that no one else notices. I don’t trust people who smile too much. I don’t trust people who silently brood. I don’t trust people who always get angry. I don’t trust people who never get angry. I don’t trust people who say they’ll call but never call. I don’t trust people who constantly call. I don’t trust people who want to know everything about me. I don’t trust people who don’t care who I am. I don’t trust people who tell me to trust them. I don’t trust people who say they can’t be trusted. I don’t trust people who need to be paid money to be trusted. I don’t trust people who think trust is a payment. I don’t trust people who have never met me. I don’t trust people who want to meet me. I don’t trust people who think highly of me. I don’t trust people who think I’m just shit. I don’t trust people who can see deep inside of me. I don’t trust people who have no idea who I am. I don’t trust people who believe things only after they’ve seen them. I don’t trust people who believe everything they’ve seen. I don’t trust people who claim to know where we’re going. I don’t trust people who want me to trust them. I don’t trust people who want to be trusted. I just don’t trust people.

And yet I’m in love with people, all people abstractly, most people quite spiritually, some people very literally. Everything that carries life, somewhere, there’s something beautiful that flows within them, and you can’t help but defer to that.

So how does this work? This trust and love thing? Why aren’t they automatically co-existent and integrated? And if I don’t trust people, why is my trust so often getting taken advantage of?

I think I need a lot of love and it makes me angry and scared to admit it.

Asians–Built For Effeciency

My coworker just came back from a show in New Orleans and was telling me how on Valentine’s Day, he had 4 Hurricanes and 2 Hand Grenades to drown his sorrows (his wife and kids were back here in LA). It started me thinking again that maybe there’s a pleasure to drinking that I can’t relate to, because halfway into 1 drink, 1 beer, 1 glass of wine, whatever…my face is red, my head is throbbing, I’m feeling queasy, and my eyes hurt. And yet I soldier on because I thought this is how everyone feels and yet everyone else seems to enjoy drinking. I know that Asians lack an enzyme that helps break down alcohol, but then I would talk to other Asians, and they didn’t seem to have the same symptoms unless they drank a huge amount.

I decided to do a search on google for “allergic to alcohol” and pulled up up this explanation:

When a person drinks alcohol, it is absorbed into the bloodstream and broken down in a series of chemical reactions which take place with the help of enzymes. One of the intermediate breakdown products is a fairly toxic chemical called acetaldehyde. Most people have enough of an enzyme called “acetaldehyde dehydrogenase” to keep the level of acetaldehyde which accumulates in the system fairly low. Some people (often they are ethnically Asian) are born with very low quantities of acetaldehyde dehydrogenase. When they drink, they get sick, because too much acetaldehyde accumulates. The anti-alcoholism medication Antabuse (disulfiram) works by inhibiting acetaldehyde dehydrogenase. You are having an Antabuse reaction without the Antabuse. So don’t drink, and consider yourself lucky that you don’t need to worry about becoming an alcoholic.

I’ve read about Antabuse. It’s supposed to be a pretty good deterrent for alcoholics. If being on Antabuse is how I feel when I drink, then I’m not actually having fun when I drink, which makes a lot of sense. The strangest thing is that I accepted all the negative symptoms because I assumed everyone felt them, but because people LOVE drinking, then the human standard was that the symptoms were worth the price of the buzz and therefore, I enjoyed drinking, too. This explains why I don’t really like drinking and don’t go out of my way to engage in the act of drinking, though I’ll nurse one if I need something to do with my hands at a party or for social reasons. But it never occurred to me to think about how I don’t enjoy drinking and that maybe I was having much more negative physical reactions than other people. Strangely, tequila has minimal negative effects. I can handle tequila better than anything, but only if it’s straight.

I think that’s great though…that Asians have this built in setting to prevent them from becoming alcoholics. Because if you’re an alcoholic, you can’t work overtime. It’s brilliant! But somehow, I don’t think that the plan was for them to get their kicks on other recreational drugs. Raise your hand if you know Asians who are X addicts. Yeah, they love that stuff. I personally stay away from it because I’m afraid if I tried it, I’d like it too much.

Random Notes

Monday is Michael’s magical birthday. 21 on the 21st. I expect you all to show your respect by taking the day off work.

*****

If an ace can be both one and eleven, then tequila is both magical and delicious. evil

*****
and then there was one.

Sagittarians–I’m gunning for you….

So I was sitting at home one day, thinking about how little I remember of junior high, which is probably one of the most traumatic rites of passages legally-enforced by American society. The suckitude of junior high in my mind kind of clumped together into one dark, murky disgusting blob with a smell and aftertaste best likened to Ass, when I remembered one thing that made me chuckle.

I had some class with this guy named Nate and we were always in a group together with another girl (Cara?). And Nate would always wear this t-shirt that said:

And it would always crack me up and brighten up my day because…well…sneezing and farting at the same time–it’s just ANOTHER potential source of embarrassment that could ruin the life of a 12 year-old.

To this day, whenever I hear someone let out one of those whopping throat-tearing sneezes where it sounds like a lung was just shot through a nostril, I always think about this shirt. And then I laugh at the fact that I always automatically think about how hard that person’s buttcheeks must be clenched. I mean, everyone else thinks the same thing too when they hear someone sneeze, right?

Anyway, I got back in touch with Nate a few weeks ago through the wonder that is Friendster. He sent me this picture today, and it made me chuckle, just as it did so many years back. And considering I was having a shitty morning, it couldn’t have come at a better time.