Echo

when i can feel the pulse of a man’s heartbeat somewhere behind the steadiness of his gaze, when i know exactly where to push to spill him into my world, i have to repeat quietly to myself, be good, julia. please, be good.

but is what happens really so bad?

i always give something to balance what gets left. i try to only cut in places that make a person stronger.

but it’s the taste of blood that always hooks me, that sweet cool current that allows me to breathe underwater.

so really.

my friend

has it been so bad for either of us?

realtor was asking me again today why i’m going to europe. i had mentioned it was for a business project yesterday. is it for just…work, he asked me.

hmmm.

yeah, just work, i said. then i distracted him with descriptions of the project, so that i didn’t have to reveal the real story.

half truth or half lie, it depends on how you look at it.

with me, it’s about secrets.

the guy on the right – his real name’s smiley. i shit you not. it’s on his birth certificate. who does that?

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/23/nyregion/23romance.html

love it.

http://bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/07/17/1205061.aspx?GT1=43001

next must-be event: gnarls barkley, hollywood bowl, july 27th.

come find me.

the secret to having any guy you want
is wanting the guys who want you.

you’d think it’s so simple, but it’s amazing how hard it is to see people from the lens of that understanding, both for men and women. it’s worth it though. it’s like having a switch flipped in your head.

I’m really having a standoff right now as an artist. I feel like if I write too honestly, people will start wanting to pin me down and I don’t know if I’m ready for that kind of exposure. Have you ever felt like that? Or, have you ever worried about getting lost in the worlds you create?

Sometimes I want to go into the woods and think about this stuff, rent a cabin and think about all these questions until I can be at peace with the answers. The only thing that stops me from doing this is my fear of how potentially crazy I might sound to others when I decide to start talking. But I just can’t stop the need to find an answer.

I saw you again last night. I know what image you are. I’ve finally figured it out, by the warm, fuzzy, protected feeling I get when I see it. But I haven’t recognized you in a person yet. Not exactly. So many of these men really try, and they are beautiful in their own ways, but I always know somehow.

Opposites in such exact opposition as to be the same thing. But I’m learning now that perhaps it’s by always keeping ourselves apart that we are generating the most dynamic energy.

Some people are more aware of the changes than others, but I see so many positive changes.

I know we do what’s best. But I’ve always wondered what it would be like to meet you.

sometimes if you tell someone about something that makes you vulnerable–ie a fear, insecurity or something in the past that hurts you, if they use that information or recreate that situation against you, it means they’re manipulative and can’t be trusted.

sometimes i say things and remember them, so if a person comes back to use what i’d “revealed” to him against me or if he tries to lie, i know he can’t be trusted. once i told a guy that when people start yelling, i can get freaked out and can’t remembered what had been said for the argument to have gotten to an escalated place. my point was that i prefer that things be resolved calmly and in the spirit of people working towards a common goal. a few weeks later, he picked an argument with me and then claimed that he was right because i’d forgotten what we’d said that led to that argument, and lied with a line that i had supposedly said. unfortunately for him, i don’t forget dialogue and conversation flow even though i’d implied that i do, and knew he’d just lied during a moment of perceived weakness on my part to dominate me. he’d stepped on a wire that set off a trap, blowing his chances of my ability to trust him. he showed his true colors after i protected myself and guarded myself from him, and now i’m sure he’s off harassing other girls until they see the proof of his manipulative streak and his lies.

especially in this city which is dominated by an industry whose lifeblood is about being able to disguise oneself or be something that you’re not, it’s really important to be open to trusting good people, but not taking everyone at face value.

i don’t believe in consciously booby trapping the inner workings of close relationships because people trip and make mistakes on the way to building partnerships and getting to know people, and this is a necessary part of the process. but i do try to have ways in which i can figure out sooner rather than later if a person is dishonest, manipulative or has negative ulterior motives. it’s better to keep untrustworthy people outside of the gates, than kick them out once they’re inside them.

my pronouns have been a mess lately. i think i’m trying to include too many people into the conversation and it’s been messing with my psychic antennae.

so i met with the realtor today and the offer is getting sent over tomorrow.

they say the saddest thing is to not be prepared when opportunity knocks, or to lose it with hesitation. i can say that this time last week, i had no idea i would be attempting to pick up another property this week, but then, i know that’s not true. i’m always looking at listings, keeping my ear to the ground, but it’s really been about when the right property jumps at you, the way your eye catches and fixates on a stranger across the room. there’s a reason. i think people connect to objects and places the same way they connect to people–they’re all manifestations of the path. you remember them from your future. and when you stumble upon them, you act so that you never wonder, what if.

i like the realtor a lot. i tested him a bit the way i usually do with people so i can figure out who they are, and he struck me as smart, honest and having integrity, so i respect him. he’s young and married so i’m very aware of being respectful of things outside of a professional relationship, but i can’t help but laugh at how nervous and awkward we both get when we’re in an elevator alone together, not knowing where to put our eyes. i think it’s just one of those things about men and women. even if there aren’t intentions or desires, you’re always just aware that you’re a man (or woman), and the other person is a woman (or man). it’s just that primal tension. i think my reaction to that perceived tension with my guy friends is that i’m compelled to make sure they don’t really know where i come from about sex or how i see men/relationships. i hit both ends of the spectrum with effective results, from brian confiding to colin that he wonders if i’m a virgin to people really thinking i rack up multiple one night stands a week and am on the constant hunt to instigate public orgies. but i think whichever way i go is compulsive to the exact moment of conversation, and even though i say things so definitively and know they have definitive results, they’re not necessarily true reflections. these statements or outlooks deflect perception of my real position, and perhaps it’s like setting off flares to serve as decoys for heat-seeking missiles. if i say certain things and later, people reflect these ideas back to me to show me this is what they’ve accepted and believe, it means they don’t really know me. by having this confirmed, i then determine if it’s because of me keeping them at a distance, or because they just don’t really get me, in which case, i have to be careful around them. i’m sure there are better ways of feeling people out to see if they’re trustworthy of the inner chambers of your being, but for now, that’s my best system of evaluation.

in regards to men being friends with women, this is one of the greatest modern debates, having reached a fevered pitch with when harry met sally. i think there’s room for a lot of different types of relationships in life, different types of output, different types of compartmentalization, but at the end of the day, i just hate tension in any way, shape or form. being friends with people from the opposite sex can be a difficult balancing act at times, has to be constantly reevaluated at others, and at the end of the day, there are so many ways to complicate things, and so many ways not to complicate things. if you just chill out and let things be, it can actually be quite pure and pleasant. i’ve had guys tell me before that no guy is friends with a girl without having at least considered what it would be like to have sex with her, and i think no girl is friends with a guy unless having at least wondered if this person could be a suitable partner for her.

at the end of the day, i always defer to the context of reality. where are two people in terms of who they are, where their lives are and what they’ve built upon the foundations of their lives, and just be respectful of that. if there’s more, you deal with it and maybe you can’t be friends. if there’s not, then…to be honest, i think it’s of immense benefit for a person to have friends of both the same and opposite sex. if life is really about a person’s journey to balancing their insides, their anima and their animus, then it requires the reflection of both masculine and feminine energy in order to define, expand and balance these inner energies. therefore, it’s really hard to reach inner balance if you don’t have outer balance with representation of the different energy types. i think our primal side does complicate things, but if you acknowledge (at least within yourself) when sexual tension is there and do your best to get the most out of human connection despite that, i think things are so much easier to handle than if you ignore or deny things. just because you refuse to admit something, doesn’t make it go away if it exists. the only control we have in life is how we conduct ourselves and how we choose to deal with things.

when a person who’s strong at projecting is grieving, the universe heightens around them to let them know they’re part of something greater. the awareness of what i’m about to lose in the future is still a bit of a shock to me, but i’m trying to maintain focus and positivity, and prepare myself to deal with it with grace. without endings there are no beginnings.

brian talks to himself a lot. it’s weird because sometimes i think he’s doing it to get my attention, and sometimes i think he’s just in his own world and it’s a funny thing to be around. i’m sure he has all kinds of crazy stories about me, which is why i try not to piss him off too much.

we have a funny relationship. not married, not partners, not friend-siblings, but more like two particles who go really far out into the world to create new, private experiences, but happen to return to the same place because it’s where they keep their stuff. we’re so love/hate, and most of our tiffs come from petty jealousies.

it’s kind of our big test right now. can the twins come out of their cubbyhole. i never leave far from home, and he’s afraid to live alone, but i think it’s time we did this, kicked each other out of the nest, our comfort zone. he’s been freaking out a little about me leaving, and i really felt it was less out of concern for my romantic matters, but more about his being alone for a few months. but as terrified as i am, we’ve got to at least test it out. maybe we can live without each other. maybe i’m secretly terrified that when i get back, he’ll be gone.

today he found me sitting in my underwear on the balcony. the nights have been so nice lately, with a slight breeze. we watched the people in the building across the street and talked about how summer has an energy that feels communal and brings people together. i went back to my office and as i logged onto my computer, he slyly mentions that he was furious at colin for telling me to go to europe, acting out the phone call but minimizing his role in them in a more diplomatic light. i found that hilarious because colin had already told me exactly what brian had said. he wanted me to know that he told colin that he and hooch are going to have to take turns living with him to keep him company.

a part of me felt a twinge of jealousy. that kind of energy in this place will be one hell of a party. but i’ve gotta leave for it to happen. i told him he should definitely get them in the house. and that they should really set up a webcam.

the idea caught fire, probably because we were both standing around in our underwear, and he got excited about it.

i told him i would set up a webcam if he would set one up, so we could watch each other like we’re goldfish. we discussed the logistics of it, and i was continually surprised by his willingness…brian usually knows better than to get involved in one of my underwear schemes. i told him that as long as he promises he’ll set up his webcam and not turn it off if something juicy’s happening, i would figure out all the technical details. he agreed. i felt like it was my birthday.

i haven’t webcammed since the 90’s, when that whole frontier was a bizarre mosaic of personalities and worlds, yet so intricately beautiful. i learned about the dark side of the world young, through chatrooms and message boards and websites put shoddily together like junior high presentations. i interacted with the more depraved parts of human nature and witnessed the effect of instability in people’s lives. if my parents knew the types of people i was meeting and learning and doing things with, they would have thought i’d fallen into a river and gotten possessed by a demon. or looked at me as an alien child. but the thing was, the bad stuff never got inside me or touched me, but it was the fact i had an intense drive to experience everything, both positive and negative. because i was just experiencing things i should have been too young to experience, and it made me see the world in a different light than other people my age. i found that when people are in new places where they can’t help but reveal the truth of themselves, you’ll see things you never forget, things that are hard to believe. sometimes it’s inspirational, sometimes it’s haunting. i met faceless people whose energies were so dark and evil, i wondered if they were perhaps, not human. sometime around my senior year in high school, i started feeling like i was tempting fate, that if i kept playing with matches, i was gonna start a burning stake, so i detached myself from that world. i got closer to people in real life, became a larger role in their lives, and i started making connections and being consistent with them. i think about some of the dangerous things that i’d found online, and i always give thanks for how lucky i am that trouble never followed me back home. i kept a lot of secrets, and developed a lot of wisdom and somehow, i really want to find a way to honor the safe passage of that experience.

so this journey i’m about to embark on, it’s getting distinct reactions from people around me. i’ve been using the framework of story to separate a person’s message with their projections to help guide myself through this part. but once i get out of the bay…it’s going to be all me.

here’s something else i’ve learned is very important:

never allow trouble to know where you live, but always give the ones you love a way to run into you.

I found another piece of real estate I really want to invest in, but it’s going to be tough with no income. I’m going to need help from the universe on this one.

i’ve had so much to say the last few days, but i feel like i’m just bleeding out of my head because the things i really need to say to the people who need to hear them…it’s not happening.

they say when a gemini is talking a lot it means they’re bored, but what about frustrated?

sometimes, with some people, i feel like i’m running out of time, that i only have so big of a window to connect with them and exchange information, but somewhere, is a conflict of how much i should tell people, and whether or not it’s prudent for me to get involved in other people’s lives.

growing up, i was always the person who went in trying to break up fights who got punched herself, or ended up having a group decide they wanted to go after me instead. or sometimes, you stand up for someone, and in the end, you find out the loyalty’s not mutual as the next moment, they’re feeding you to the wolves because it benefits them. my dad always warned me, don’t get involved in other people’s lives. probably smart advice. but then i live an isolated life, watching people, wanting to tell them what i see, but afraid to get involved in case if the shit hits the fan, i’m the easiest one to blame.

life, like in writing, is about making strong choices. they may not be the right choices, but at least you committed to making a choice and the results will fall into place the way they will by the forces of cause-effect. and then from there, you find out the results and you adjust where needed. so i need to make a choice–my mind is strong these days. people ask me questions, and i have plenty to say, or at least i have plenty to output and that changes as they give me more or different information. but i’m so afraid of being too straightforward with people, or too honest with people, because i still don’t want them to kill the messenger. maybe trust is a two way street. if they trust me to be open, then i learn to trust them to be respectful, and perhaps we can see what really happens when i talk to people without holding back.

or maybe this is a test to see if i’ve learned how to leave people alone, to keep my thoughts and images to myself and let people figure it out on their own.

i think perhaps a good rule of thumb from now on, is to keep my mouth shut, and not be tempted by provocations to get me to speak, and if people really want to hear or see things, they have to be very direct in their request, really give me the assurance that they are open and willing to hear what i have to say.

otherwise, leave it all alone, and watch things unfold as though i’m watching a movie. people always find their way onto their feet, even if they have to go through really hard experiences and journeys to get there. just because you might be able to see where they’re going, doesn’t mean you have a right to tell people.

i got a taste of my own medicine today. i knew it was coming and so i can’t say i didn’t deserve it. good or bad, the world always balances itself out.

my blueberry nights. movie with good intentions and some very sweet moments. love to hate natalie portman but i give her the utmost respect for her acting. it made me a little irritated in a sisterly way why the chinese (not named ang lee) have such an awkwardness when it comes to the subject of sex. i feel like jude law was a little leering and they could have done with a sweet, mysterious unknown in this role. when i sit and imagine what it would be like to be in an empty room with jude law, i’m convinced that if he’s set you in his sights, the seduction would be quite predatorial. it makes me wonder…if in another world, wong kar wai (who claims he doesn’t go by a script) had said to jude, hey jude…let’s improvise on this one. let’s try it where you think about how you, jude law, would carry out the unfolding of a seduction of this heartbroken girl, in this empty dinner in the middle of the night…

i just feel that if wong kar wai had let him do that, we would have gotten a much more interesting film, but one where we’re not sure how comfortable we feel about the things we saw jude law do to a sleeping norah jones.

i really liked the character, but i’m just really not into jude law.

it was a sweet movie. because blueberries are sweet, so we knew from the title that the director wanted everyone to know that everything would always be okay. hey, natalie portman’s dad died and she’s not even crying, so everything is hella okay. and it’s nice that everywhere that norah jones went by bus, she always found idyllic pitstops without meeting any super crazy muthafuckers. just maybe a handful of people who are higher on the passion spectrum. great stories and characters. but in the end, just like we knew she would, when she’s a different person and ready, she comes back to the guy who fell in love with her the moment he saw her.

[sidebar: dude. menfolk. it’s obviously the subject of the week. even the girls are discussing it. in fact, i even had a dream last night where i went to this monastary that was like an all girls school meets day spa, and us women spent all day in the courtyard wearing robes, drinking cucumber ice tea and talking about it. so you guys better start having the courage to look in a mirror and get real with what you see, because those of you keeping up the bullshit, you’re going to be hearing the truth from one of us.]

back to.

my movie thoughts. i’m really glad the director chose to paint a masterpiece about soul reunification, but i wish he took bigger risks with his main characters. they have to fully separate in order to be brought back together on a higher level. they have to have dropped those keys into an ocean, and then somehow, out of sheer will and miracle, find them again. trust me. i’ve been dropping keys in the ocean for years. but that’s when the miracle really happens. when you’re walking along a beach in the most random place, and you find that set of keys that you’d forgotten all about. i think maybe wong kar wai didn’t have the guts, but you have to admire how loving and protective he was to the characters he identified with.

i’m really glad i watched this movie tonight. it was the exact right time. i really love and appreciate my group.

http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/8311156/Wizards-sign-Arenas-to-six-years,-$111-million

even their team president says it. it’s not important to debate his supposed choking or questioning if he can lead a team past the early play-offs. the $111 million isn’t just for his basketball skills. it’s about his charisma, his star power. they need arenas there to keep them on the map. you really can’t survive as a brand if people can’t identify you.

I was searching through the Kindle titles, and I found this book:

On Being a Shit: Unkind Deeds and Cover-Ups in Everyday Life

I like that.

I’m going to write a book called:

“You’re the Reason We Can’t Have Nice Things!” and Other Ways These Bitches Lie.

have you noticed graduates of different colleges have different vibes?

god, stanford grads are so hot. it’s like they’re the people who are good at everything but aren’t obnoxious about it, making it kind of obnoxious. berkeley grads are walking computers. michigan kids are so unoffending and naive but your friend when in need, usc people are jedi trainees. ucla’s a little spoiled and tricky, like the baby sister who gets everything she wants because she knows she’s fucking adorable. then there’s harvard. no one ever knows how to act around a harvard grad–do you ignore the fact that they’re better human beings than you? or do you joke in a way like, “what? you think you’re better than me?” when really, you’re ashamed that you think they’re better than you. or do you just acknowledge they might be better than you but say fuck it, then try to move on outside of that fact. no one’s ever that comfortable about measuring dicks with a harvard grad. and then all the kids from florida…we get it. you guys totally had more fun than the rest of us. utexas grads are definitely interesting–they’re snipers when it comes to artistic sarcasm and will secretly win you over with their diligence. i’ve noticed more than a few arizona grads slip into moments of zombie sheen. and never let a unlv student think you don’t take them seriously because…c’mon, you live in vegas…they take themselves very seriously. there are a lot of people at san jose state who are foreign. but it’s san jose and that place is a little foreign anyway.

i don’t know if i have a favorite school vibe. i think michigan made me hard in some ways, but left me a little soft in the ways that matter when living in an big city. but when i imagine school environments and the powerful energies that mix in them, my favorite is thinking about my mom as a grad student at texas tech, this flirty and brilliant taiwanese girl landing in the middle of lubbock, texas, and trying to teach undergraduates with her very wobbly grasp of english. in the 70’s.

i wish i could go back in time and film a reality show.