Echo

one of the things my father taught me was respect for money. you have to understand the magic in it, the protection of it. i’m still very uncomfortable with asking for it, but i understand that there are certain people who just know how to make it grow.

i think i stumbled upon my future home today.

there’s hope. i’m not willing to commit to believing it’s the right one just yet, but there’s hope.

i’ve had my energy grounded for a couple of days now and the resulting effect has been magnetizing.

it’s actually incredibly pleasant to give into. and anyone who comes too close, i’m careful about being gentle and always maintaining the best intentions.

i’m also able to understand how magic is unique to an individual, and then on another level, it’s unique to their ethnic and cultural background. individually people have specific magic but the group or the different groups to which they belong can really influence the strength of the focus of this magic.

i’ve been reviewing my book that intersects symbology, psychology, mythology and artist’s path, i can see how things lay out and how to direct the logical points of your life story. however, at each step, the room you have to wiggle really depends on the people around you, and what roles they serve your story in the context of their own free will, needs and desires.

i can’t tell if people want to know or not though about the things i see and how to see them. i feel like when i used to be naively open and talked to people as truthfully as possible, people did unfair things, or people ganged up on me. so i’ve really gotten by by not getting too involved with people and having superficial but easy conversations. maybe that’s the leap i’m about to take now. if people don’t want me to tell the truth, then i won’t. but if they do want to know, they have to accept the consequences of seeing a reflection of reality and not take it out on me. the happier people are the ones who find out that the their reflection and their perception are basically the same. but those who get surprises should remember that this is actually a time to figure out what they want and adjust their life so that it fits the projections you have of it.

i have been very interested in chiron lately, as i know very little about it except that it’s a healing planet and they believe it’s a second ruler of virgo, but last week in my postings about sex, i started wondering if chiron didn’t have something to do with scorpio’s ability to use concentrated power for transcendental healing. maybe chiron is actually an expression of sagittarius building upon their recent memories of scorpio knowledge and adding to it sag’s magical ability to aim an arrow at a star and hit it. i just can’t accept that chiron rules virgo. she’s a servant.

but then today i learned about the god chiron, how he was a centaur and was the mentor/drill sargeant/guardian of many heroes. even though centaurs can often be savage creatures because of their animal half, chiron was more evolved and peaceful, combining his primal, intuitive urges with the calm powers of wisdom. he’s gentle out of discipline and choice and dedicated to sharing wisdom. but then hercules, who’s an unevolved crazy muthafucker, got frustrated as his student and wounded the guy enough that he begged the god’s to kill him. and they made him a constellation that rules sagittarius.

but sag is mostly documented as being ruled by jupiter. i think those planets share them rather than appear simultaneously in them. i think jupiter is like a siren who tempts so many impressionable sags away to an easy, happy but superficial life, but the more serious ones who refuse the tempting calls of jupiter to follow wise and mystical chiron, those are the ones who come back from the woods with shamanistic capacities. they are the counterpart to the descendents of athena/isis.

so good. life is so good right now.

just bought a kindle. hella psyched.

mom called to tell me her heart was moved by kite runner. was that one of the books i recommended to you in the bookstore in taiwan? yes, she says. don’t tell me anything about it, i say. i just ordered it today and i’m going to read it.

i don’t know what made me so sure she would be moved by it. when i was in the bookstore, there was just something about the rightness of the book. like seeing a stranger across a room and instantly knowing that you are going to be connected for a reason.

i also ordered the glass castle and i was told there would be cake. i’m going to order one or two more to balance these experiences out, and then i’m going to wait until i get to europe to open these.

holy shit.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/couplesandmarriage/articlecosmo.aspx?cp-documentid=8361783&GT1=32001

this was on of the articles for today’s msn homepage. just opened it.

david and i basically had a two hour conversation earlier today discussing exactly what this article talks about, down to the points.

it started with a story about a friend of mine who dated a 38 year-old guy working in the industry for 2 years. near the end, she wanted to know where this relationship was going, ie marriage. he was always very noncommittal, citing various reasons, blaming bad experiences in the past, etc., but never really seeming sure that he was in this for the long haul and determined to make this work. after a few months of these discussions, my friend said she had a real soul-searching moment when she asked herself if her boyfriend were to turn around and ask her to marry him after all these discussions that left her feeling frustrated, would she want to marry him? as she put it, she realized, “what little girl grows up dreaming of the day when she gets to badger a man into marrying her?” well put, i thought. very well put.

so she realized, it was over. there was no way she wanted to be with this man, because she wanted a man who knew without a doubt, within every part of his being, that he WANTED to try to make a relationship work. it’s not about doubts of if a relationship will ultimately work because nothing in life is guaranteed, but it’s about not having doubts about whether or not each person is willing to work together and make the strongest, most committed effort possible.

david thought my friend didn’t give her boyfriend enough time to think about it, and my point was that it didn’t matter because they’d been together for 2 years, he obviously wasn’t ready or had other priorities (career) that were in front of her and could potentially always be in front of her, and at the end of the day, there are men out there who know without a doubt that they’re ready to give 100% to a girl who’s worthy (like the guy she’s with now who realized within the first week that she was someone he could see himelf with for the long haul), so why settle for a man who you have to badger to marry you, versus the man who knows without a doubt that he wants to marry you? for a girl with healthy self-esteem, it’s a no brainer.

so this led to a debate and i was trying to explain why men do and don’t commit. my theory was that men who get to the place where they’re ready to have a real relationship and have gotten their career/life in order will usually settle with the next girl who walks into his life who’s a suitable partner. it’s a lot about the girl but it’s also about timing. there are so many stories of girls who wait for a guy and wait for a guy who’s not sure about commitment. unless the guy is young and is still figuring himself out or still has specific career objectives he needs to finish first before he can prioritize the relationship, a lot of times when guys drag their feet, it’s not that they aren’t sure about commitment…they’re unsure about committing with YOU. i see a lot of examples of guys in their 30’s who have gotten their careers work out and are in good places in their lives, and when they suddenly meet the right girl, they make declarations pretty early of their desire to settle down, and they’re persistent and tenacious. it’s actually enough examples for me to not know which is the exception and which is the rule between mature men who are sure of what they want, and those who need extended time to figure it out once they’re in a relationship. perhaps the best poll would be one if you asked elderly couples who have been together for decades and have had a strong, relationship that continually grew and evolved, if the man knew early on that this was a woman he wanted to partner with.

i really think for a man WANT to commit (because there are a lot of poor souls out there who commit even though they don’t want to or because they feel they have to, and that always blows my mind), he has to hit the perfect storm of meeting the right girl at the exact time in which he’s tired of a certain way of life, wanting something deeper, challenging and with more opportunities for him to grow, and in a place where he’s fulfilled other priorities and he is able to make room in his life for another person and make a partnership a top priority. it’s about the right person, but more so, it’s about the right person at the right time. and like the hunters that men are, once they find that person and know they want them, there’s really no stopping them. any other girl who gets caught with this man when he’s not ready, even if she’s a great girl and someone who he would do well with, is kind of shit out of luck. maybe a guy will turn around once his other priorities are settled and he figures out what he wants, but often, if you’re the girl who supported a guy while he went through his struggles, he’s more likely to leave you and marry the next girl who sees him only when he’s achieved his goals and is this “better” version of himself in his mind, not the girl who saw him as an incomplete man struggling with his doubts and fears as he attempted to reach his goals. yeah, it’s fucked up. but us good girls have all been there…the training girlfriend who makes a guy a perfect partner…for someone else. i think if a guy has his life basically in order but he doesn’t want to commit, he’s not unsure of commitment in general per se, he’s unsure about committing with YOU. for whatever reason, he’s not sure you’re the one, and whether it’s chemistry or timing or some combination of both, you really want the guy who’s in the right place and knows himself well enough to really be sure. because a guy who is sure and determined is going to be the guy who will be willing to look at a partnership realistically, will be willing to work through the hard parts, and will be happy to see the relationship evolve to a real place with real emotions and real people.

so we had this long discussion and i threw in examples from my experiences and observerations of married couples and he was pretty stubborn. he thinks sometimes girls don’t give a guy enough time to figure it out. again, yes, if the guy is gunning for a specific goal (ie trying to finish med school) or is young and wants to know who he is first before he makes a serious promise, but otherwise, he’s just not into the girl enough and so already, the relationship is doomed. so i asked him. “i know you’ve played around and you’ve also been in long term relationships that worked well. but why aren’t you with one of thoe girls now?”

he said, “i wasn’t sure if i wanted to commit.”

then i asked him, “was it you you were unsure of, or was it the girls?”

he started laughing. “okay, i get it. if a guy is sure that he wants to be with a specific girl, he’s going to do everything he possibly can to make it work.”

i was really happy. “exactly! and if he’s dragging his feet, chances are, he suspects you’re not the one for him, no matter how great you are, so it’s better to find someone who wants you and is therefore willing and ready to go through the difficult challenges of partnership to really make it work.”

and then i saw this article’s on the homepage and sent it to him and we were both cracking up.

today was definitely a cool day.

it’s been 3 days in a row of really challenging and illuminating days.

i want to thank all the people in my life for being unique and amazing.

one night in tahoe, my dad said to me, “there are many people who will fall for you, but you have to be careful who you let catch you.”

later my mom whispered to me, your dad doesn’t want you to go to europe. you’re his only daughter and he wants to keep you close.

but it hit me, stirred the part of me that is looking for any excuse to stay in the wind, to justify why continually staying in motion will keep me safe.

i thought about it that night, about suspicion, about how you try to make the right choice when the right choice could mean that whoever you put your feet on the ground next to, could suddenly one night put you in a cage just when you think that everything is safe.

i thought about how it’s impossible to know for sure who someone is, and it’s impossible to allow for the potential that with any given person, i might be settling, signing my life away, trading in potential for what is, perhaps tricked in a moment of vulnerability by a rose-colored illusion.

but yet, i don’t believe any of that shit.

i cut david a little bit each day, just to see if he’ll bleed because i have trouble believing he’s real or that he’s human.

today i hit an organ, but rather than fight me, he stepped back and calmly said, “i want to set you free. i want you to be happy. i want to show you how a real relationship can make you happy, what real love from a man means. i know you’ve been let down by a lot of people in your life but i’m not going to let you down…i’m going to do everything i possibly can to show you that you can trust me, to show you how lucky we are to have found each other. and one day, i believe you’re going to see that everything is exactly the way it’s supposed to be.”

part of me knows everything that’s being said, but another part can’t stop the rumblings of that familiar anger, that shadowed demon inside me that seethes when it doesn’t get what it wants, its proof of what it claims to know without question.

because people change and life is never constant, so how can one human being with no way of controlling the world possibly make promises when being human means you can’t guarantee anything?

everything in me rejects him, screams to have him as far away from me as possible. i wanted to slam down the phone to hurt him, hurt him so irreparably that he would let go, his fingers caught in the door jamb of my retreat back into my world of echoes.

but then, in the heavy silence as night raged in my head, i heard a cool, low whisper.

are you done punishing him yet for wanting to be in your life?

and in the flood, when i opened my eyes, i realized where i was.

thursday stream

i’d had a strange day today so outside of going to the gym first thing in the morning, i didn’t really get out of the house until the sun was setting. i decided since i didn’t feel like doing work, i would take a walk to my starbuck’s since i haven’t been there at night in ages.

for some reason, i wanted to look nice so it took me a few more minutes to get out of the house. i took my social experiment kit — dl/cc wrapped in a $20 bill, ipod, notebook and pen…and put my keys in the car taking just my car key. as i was leaving, i realized i hadn’t brought my cellphone. i thought about it. i was scared that if something happened — i’m being followed by someone or whatever — i would be screwed if i didn’t have my phone. then i thought, what are the statistical chances that the one time i take a walk and don’t bring my cellphone, is the day something terrible happens? so i go.

the walk is good. the sun is just setting and there’s a nice soothing breeze blowing.

i catch a girl waiting for the bus, lost in her own world and smiling to herself, but when she happens to look up and catch my eye, she immediately hides it with a frown, like she didn’t want me to see whatever thought was making her so happy.

the reason people don’t like to walk in la i think also has to do with the way people drive. it’s a city made for machines out here, and people are pretty reckless. it’s like they don’t expect pedestrians. i’m very careful when i cross the streets.

as i’m walking, i am thinking about vision. i think if you are in a stage where you’re needy for attention, you’ll look for it in the face of everyone you meet. and since not everyone is meant to connect with you, you’re really forcing things and putting yourself on tilt. i think when you relax your ego enough to know that not everyone is going to notice you, but the ones who do might be interesting, you start to look for or see only the people who seem familiar, the people who seem to suddenly click into your wavelength. it’s a really nice way to go about it. it’s like not forcing the universe but letting the universe bring things to you, like objects floating down a river.

so i’m sitting at my table, the table that used to be my other home, my place of constancy.

i remember i used to come here, until i realized that a person should be aware that after being encountered in the same place twice, they shouldn’t return until they can return as a different person who’s had the space to look on the rhythms of people and a place with objectivity.

when i used to come here, i would look at everyone and track their progression, who had changed and who stayed the same. and even though i see them in different people, i recognize them collectively by their energy. but then i found that i was becoming stagnant energy, and i left for a while to find my current.

i think after a person experiences a major life shift, they should return to a place in which they are familiar and observe it for new perspective.

return to where you come from with your new perspective.

hmmm.

kind of like that stage common in legends, religion and mythology, the hero journey as representing the common human cycles and themes, how a person who has reached deeper insight has to come back and experience their old, original world through those new eyes. it makes them or breaks them, since you are forced to ask, which was the dream if anything, and which was reality. do you have the courage and strength to put the two worlds together, to integrate them, to take back the treasure or knowledge you found in another world, and try to incorporate it into the linear reality from where you came? does having both worlds overlap negate one or the other?

i was willing to take the risk to see. it felt kind of like a reunion of sorts, where new light is cast on things you didn’t understand before, but because you’re in a different place now, the world wants to be more honest with you.

so i sat there, feeling positive that i was going to meet someone, but not knowing who it was. i was careful not to make eye contact with anyone (didn’t want to project anything) and i kept my head down, writing stream-of-consciousness, every observation, every thought, every feeling.

there was a little elf-like guy who looked like an antique-model matt mccoy (hand that rocks the cradle) who was hitting on this kid in a phillies t-shirt. antique-model matt saw the kid had a booklet from santa monica college, and was telling him how he used to be on the board there and he was a huge supporter for the school. at first the conversation was purely casual, but then the guy kept talking to him and touching him. i think the kid was getting nervous because he was stuffing food in his face like a chipmunk. i thought a-m matt heard his number called because he went inside, but minutes later, he came back out and gave the kid his phone # on a napkin. call me if you ever have questions or need help in school, he said, and he shook the kid’s hand vigorously. the kid thanked him politely and packed up his stuff and left, while a-m matt stayed at the restaurant for a good two more hours.

there are more gay men in los angeles than people want to admit or realize. i’m good at picking out gay men. gay men are my thing. i think they like me because they think i’m a man in a woman’s body. anyway, for example, my gym is a big time cruising gym. i know this. i don’t know how i know this, i just know this, and i’ve found evidence to back up my inklings. i always ask the basketball boys if they see men picking up men in the sauna or locker room and they always say no, so for a little while, i thought perhaps i was making stuff up. but i swear 60% of the men i see on the floor are gay, conscious or not. then when david was here, i took him to the gym. later as we were leaving, i was asking him how his workout was, and he starts telling me, but then suddenly bursts out, “what the hell is up with this place? this guy followed me around the weight area for a good hour staring at me, and there was this naked guy blowdrying his pubes when we got here, and he was still doing the same thing when i went back in to get my stuff.”

“was he still naked?” i asked.

“YES! He must have been doing that for over an hour!” he said, and even though i was laughing inside, i noted he was pretty seriously alarmed.

it’s just the night people, i told him. they can be weird.

but i’m sure. this is a cruising gym. and people who don’t notice either don’t want to admit it, or are going out of their way to be oblivious of it.

there was a guy in his 50’s reading a vintage paperback and i’m pretty sure he’s english. he just has a look to him, and he’s not using his straw–he’s taking the cover off his soda and sipping it like tea. i figured that book had to be some lit classic like something by dickens. or a science fiction novel. he looked like the type. when his number was called and he went inside to get his food, i bolted up, made like i was going to the trash can behind his table to throw away a napkin, and checked out the cover of his book. here’s what he was reading. ha! i was right.

this really cute little black girl at the next table keeps staring at me. she’s with her father who’s reading some kind of ledger. work-related. she’s battling this fly, cringing from it and slapping it away from her. she accidentally drops her fork. without looking up, her father take his plastic fork and puts it on her plate.

i see an asian guy staring at me while his girlfriend is oblivious. he keeps looking over, not hiding it, not backing down. i don’t want to generalize but a lot of asian guys are about posession. very specific male-female dynamics and a very saturnine ide
a of their gender role. i think that’s why most asian guys stay away from me, and i don’t get involved in them. there’s a conflict of egos and perspective.

i’m freewriting everything i see and feel, and thinking if you put yourself in the right place and right time and let the universe act as a river, the universe brings people together in a way in which we are the fleeting moments that make up time, and what we think is time is actually the real, active constant. as much as we would like to believe, we are not the constant.

and as i think, i’m about to run into someone who i need to talk to, i look up, and there’s eytan walking up.

eytan–let’s go back.

we met in a bar. i don’t know–6, 7, 8 years ago. neither of us can remember. but i remember that night because it was a miserable night. i hadn’t been in la for very long, and the only people i really knew were friends of friends who i didn’t really have anything in common with but i hung out with out of lack of alternative. i’d been invited to this girl’s birthday party at the bar, but being unenthused, i showed up an hour late. i tried calling her to find out where they were in the bar, and the call went to voicemail. as i’m convinced that i’ve come too late and had missed the party, i see two beefy security guards hauling the birthday girl out. i was to find out later that she and her boyfriend had one of their reknowned volatile fights and she’d thrown a glass at him, shattering it on the dance floor. so they were walked out and i figured, crap, i’m at this freakin’ bar and don’t know anyone.

i figure i would get a drink and see who else showed up, and that’s when i met eytan. hit it off immediately, though i was a little wary of how smooth he was to talk to.

a week later we went to a comedy show (my suggestion) and closed down the starbuck’s afterwards, talking. he told me that he made money squatting on domains and then creating porn sites. i couldn’t tell if he was kidding but either way, this guy was too smooth for my liking, though we did have great chemistry. so we parted with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. he invited me to a party at his house, and i couldn’t get anyone to go except these three guys i worked with. so i show up at his party with three guys. he was a big flirt, flirting with everyone at the party so i figured, okay, then i wasn’t being a douche for bringing three guys to this guy’s party. a few weeks later, he showed up at my birthday party with two girls. according to one of my friends, he snuck off and was making out with both of them. yeah, i was a little irritated, because i wondered if he was getting back at me. we would half-heartedly email about meeting for coffee, but nothing ever turned out. i didn’t trust this guy and he seemed like the kind of guy you hang out with despite not trusting so it wasn’t a very high priority for me to find time to meet up.

then throughout the years, we would keep running into each other. at the post office. at the gym, twice. while dropping off screener tapes at a film festival (we were both in the lineup and in the same program), while sitting in traffic…it was the most random but constant thing.

when i saw him at the gym, he was with an older asian lady i assumed to be his girlfriend. i really didn’t care.

at the film festival, he told me to find him before the screening and when i showed up, he was doing his producer thing and surrounded by girls, and i was with my actor and my boyfriend. i think he didn’t know i was dating someone, because there was tension between my boyfriend and the situation – my boyfriend felt eytan was vibing me, and i didn’t seperate from my group to talk alone so it was really like, what are we supposed to really do here.

when i saw him in traffic a year later, we laughed like, of course it’s you. he said he’s never run into one person as many times and as randomly as he does with me. it’s what we do, running into each other. we did a quick 30 second catchup and parted saying we would run into each other again.

i invited him to my birthday party and he responded saying he couldn’t wait to run into me randomly at my party. i knew he wouldn’t show though and indeed, he wrote me an apology email to say he hadn’t been feeling well.

and then when we saw each other today, it was like…again, of course. “of course it’s you,” he said. “there’s something about you and me that this keeps happening.” we hug and i’m laughing. i tell him i was just writing about how i had come here because i was going to run into someone, and just before i looked up, i had an image of him in his car the last time i saw him, and when i looked up, he was there. he didn’t believe me, and i told him, i’ll tell you some crazy stories.

i told him about my life since i quit my job in february, about going to germany, to amsterdam. about following life and how people are brought together for a reason. he tells me he was raised orthodox jewish and he always had this doctrine in front of him, telling him how the world was and how to be, and that he didn’t believe in fate. i told him it’s not fate, sometimes it’s just life. it’s like how science has shown that intention can affect particles, that maybe the decisions we make are the ones we were supposed to make, just because those were the precise decisions we made. time’s not linear, eytan. we talk and i learn that he resists faith, he resists ideas. a part of me is surprised because i dont’ know why we’re on this topic and how it started, but he tells me that he believes something is up, and if i write down a date right now of when we’re going to run into each other again, and i show him that date and it’s right, then he’ll believe.

so you need hard evidence to please your logical side, i ask him.

he thinks about it. i guess so. i need stone cold proof before i can let go and say okay, i believe.

you’re asking for a miracle, i say. but the problem is, if you need a miracle to believe, the problem is even if a miracle occurs, you won’t have the faith to realize what just happened.

i’ll have faith when i see it, he says.

okay, i say. obviously the universe keeps bringing us together for a reason. maybe i’m still not ready yet, so i just need to expand my vocabulary of analogies and ideas so the next time we meet, i can bring you more signs. all of this evidence is circumstantial, but i’m going to show you a pattern when all these things are put together. i may not be able to give you a precise piece of evidence of magic, but i’m going to build you a mountain of evidence that adds up. and if you’re willing to see it, you’ll see it.

he asks me if i think he’s the person that i came here for, waiting to run into.

it looks like it, i say. i had a strong feeling i would run into someone if i came here, but i had no idea who until you showed up.

he asks me what happened after berlin with the guy in amsterdam. i might be moving out there for a couple of months to write, i say.

so you guys are still connected, he asks.

yes, i say. i neglect to say that today, i finally sucked it up and booked my ticket to amsterdam.

he mentions that since february, he’s settled down more. he tells me that he’s moved out of a house that he began deeming the groundhog’s day house, because every party was the same party.

so you’ve reached the ‘been there done that’ phase, i say.

yeah, it took me long enough.

i’m looking at him and wondering where he’s coming from, if he’s trying to tell me that he’s changed. i kind of have a feeling he doesn’t know where he’s going with this, with any of this but then again, neither do i. we’ve been dancing around each other so long that it’s defined the relationship, and outside of that it’s still not good timing despite for whatever reason, having been brought together again.

he refers back to something i had said, how some people will keep dating the wrong people for t
hem, but it’s the same kind of wrong. and despite advice from their friends and family, they’ll keep doing it until they hit rock bottom a point where they realize they can’t do this anymore, they refuse to do this anymore, so they sit out and examine why these partners, and what they really want out of life and a relationship. he says that it’s funny that i say that because he’s realized that he’s always dating the wrong girls…but it’s the same kind of wrong girl.

i think people instinctively know when a person’s not available, i say. the question is, why does a person chase what’s unavailable or not good for them. maybe they don’t want to have to be confronted with something real.

i do like chasing what’s unavailable, he says. there’s something exciting about it.

maybe you have to find a girl who’s available, but hard to get at, i say.

he repeats what i say like it’s a riddle, then says he has to go because he’s late meeting up with some friends.

until next time, i say.

julia, it’s always so good to run into you, he says.

as he walks away, i write down the date of a next time in my notebook.

my friend b recommended wong kar wai’s new film, my blueberry nights, a few months ago and it sounded like something i would really be interested in seeing. but then i watched the trailer …gorgeous visually but masterfully featuring “the greatest” by cat power, one of the most beautiful songs ever written (the kind of song i never want to end), and that was enough to make me already like the movie. it sounded like the kind of movie i would want to watch alone on a good screen since wong kar wai is so lyrical and vibrant with his use of colors, but it was only playing in the crappy theaters by then, so i’ve been waiting for the dvd which is finally out. so last night i had wanted to put it on my netflix queue so i could have it this weekend, but i forgot, dicking around on the warriors message board getting irritated instead. i did download “the greatest” and was listening to it right before i fell asleep, and the crazy thing was, when my radio alarm woke me up this morning, it was “the greatest” playing on kcrw. that really made me happy.

i think i need to watch this movie. i just moved the movie to the top of my queue and i hope they get the movies i sent back in time to send it to me for the weekend. otherwise, i’ll just suck it up, pay my outstanding hollywood video late fee and go rent it. i’m pretty excited. synchronicity always makes me happy.

le petit mort – what the french use to describe orgasm.

scorpio is the symbol that rules not just death which is the common misconception, but the spiritual idea of death and regeneration, death as the gateway to new life, like the phoenix. scorpio, incidentally, is also the sign most associated with sex.

“the little death.” not so much little, but a death that doesn’t wipe out conscious attachment to reality in totality. it’s a death and regeneration in a split second where you leave the world and re-enter seemingly seamlessly, but having gone somewhere so far away and found your way back. it’s a conscious way of simulating reincarnation.

if two people completely submit themselves and experience an absolute and total orgasm simultaneously, there is a moment of transcendence where two individual perspectives suddenly meld into one experience occupying the exact same space in the exact same moment with no separation. it’s a momentary achievement in which souls are released from their human bodies and return to the singular entity to which our higher selves belong and from which our ego perceptions have separated us. it’s a moment where the separate you’s die, are released from your separate bodies to blend together in order to experience the oneness of God, and return having understood something beyond the linear representation of this world. once you’ve experienced it, you really can’t go back to a reality before you experienced it. it’s now a part of you.

i think maybe that’s the issue with scorpios. in a way, they’re born inherently possessing this knowledge of the transcendental powers of sexual union, and an innate instinct for how to get there. however, their suspicion, lack of faith and lack of trust in others cause them to spend their lives watching people and testing people to decide if they’re willing to let go with someone in order to share their birthright. while there are scorpios who come to terms with their powers of transcendence and learn how to use their immense power for good, i think some stunted scorpios can spend their entire lives watching and weighing, but in the end when they make their final tally, they decide they couldn’t really trust anyone. in a way, i can understand it but it doesn’t make it any less of a shame.

but the truth is, and i’m going to lay it down honestly with you, you don’t need a scorpio to lead you there. you just need someone with scorpio knowledge and to mutually have a willingness to trust each other and the experience of delving into the unknown completely.

so this guy wants me to define “great” sex

i was talking with a friend today and he asked me, completely earnestly, “what exactly makes sex great sex?”

well, i’m not naming names here, but i kind of feel like if you ask questions like that, you probably haven’t had it yet. maybe you’ve had good sex, satisfying sex, intriguing sex, crazy sex, debauched sex, but maybe not great sex, the holy grail of sex, the kind that people try to describe but usually only manage exclamations and a vague repetition of, “you know what i mean?”

before you all protest that i’m generalizing or talking out of my ass, from a girl’s perspective, we all know that girl who claims she’s had an orgasm but goes into all kinds of defensive or unsure details about what it felt like and seemed like and looked like and smelled like until you reach a point where you’re positive she’s never had one. it’s the basic rule of simplicity — if you’ve had it, you’ll know, no doubts about it. trust me. you’re not my uber-dorky college friend matt who told me he’d “kinda had sex” this one time at drama camp. you either did or you didn’t.

put simply – sex turns boys into men, girls into women. it’s documented.

i look at all my cousins younger than me, and i can tell if they’ve never had it…and later, when they have. there’s a change in them. it’s like seeing a person and realizing he’s molted since the last time you saw him.

then the next step – great sex. the achievement of the ultimate in intimacy. the ultimate in surrender and attainment.

it turns men into MEN, and women into something that sits just below goddess stature.

you think angelina jolie, the closest thing we’ve got to a celebrated goddess on earth, is finally having great sex? you bet she is. there was a time when she wasn’t, and then a time when she was.

i think great sex is not something that can be summed up in a list of techniques or positions or tips, though cosmo has educated millions of girls in the art of sexual dexterity, knowledgeability and versatility to the appreciation of past and present lovers. in fact, i trace the widespread female understanding of the male g-spot back to cosmo and its tireless editorial staff. who knew the secret was in the taint!! hard hitting journalism, gals. one-half of the world’s population thanks you.

i think that technical knowledge comes in handy, but if your head is present and in the middle of it, you’re not really connected with the other person because you’re still rattling around in your own perspective like a self-conscious actor. and that intangible connection is the root of what makes good sex great, what personal preference builds on but does not create the foundation of. i think if your brain is still present and capable of functioning, and hasn’t been blown out the back of your skull into oblivion, then maybe you should try your luck with a different partner.

there. i said it.

but studies have shown that a passionate, satisfying, healthy sex life is an important core factor of strong, longlasting partnerships, which makes great sex of utmost importance when it comes to picking a partner.

so happy f—rolicking. and if you know what i’m talking about, then seriously, high five…

rule for the next few weeks.

if you don’t want to get shot, i don’t want to hear another peep about baron davis and the warriors front office.

thank you.

long weekend movie reviews:

we are marshall – loved it. love sports movie, love inspirational movies, love good writing, love how crazy-ass coach gets it done. best work matthew fox has done, outside of that one episode of snl he hosted last season.

be kind rewind – eh. i only really wanted to like it because mos def is so likable. but having gone through film school and seen my share of really, really, really badly made homages to the greats, it was hard to suspend my disbelief that even well-intentioned crap would really be so captivating to the average movie renter. but again, the mos def factor so i’m reluctant to say anything bad.

definitely, maybe – at the risk of sounding like a total chick here, ryan reynolds………damn. it was like a feature version of how i met your mother without the hijinx, but i give it props for being better and a thimble deeper than i expected, though little miss sunshine abigail breslin will always seem like an alien child to me. michael was very patient with me commenting in awe over how cute ryan reynolds was every few minutes. i was surprised he had that effect on me without jumping in a lake and coming out with water dripping down his sweet, ripped torso (see: the amityville horror. i think i cried from pleasure overload during that scene). actually, now that i’m remembering that scene from amityville, i can’t remember a single other thing about this movie.

walk hard: the dewey cox story – i can’t remember who insisted that i see this and said that it’s surprisingly funny. i worried it would be 90 minutes of “cox” jokes, but it did get a few laughs out of me. you definitely feel like the movie was written for will ferrell and they settled for john c. reilly who did a great job. the film laughs at itself, laughs at the evolution of music, laughs at the everchanging drug scene. it has great cameos in it, particularly one scene where dewey drops acid with the beatles played by paul rudd (john), jack black (paul), jason schwartzmann (ringo) and justin long (george). justin long is consistently adorable. have you seen him as a jilted robin?

in bruges – i saw that roeper and whoever, the guys who replaced siskell & ebert, named this movie as one of the best movies of the year thus far. it stars colin farrell and brendan gleeson as hit men hiding out in belgium until their boss gives them the all clear. the dvd case said this was a comedy, but it’s a comedy in the sense that pulp fiction is a comedy as it’s pretty graphic at times with its violence. there are plenty of midget jokes for those who think a comedy isn’t a comedy unless there are midgets or someone loses an eye. oh, someone loses an eye as well. the best scene is the shoot out between ralph fiennes as the angry boss and colin farrell, where they negotiate the terms of the shoot out so they don’t get a pregnant innkeeper caught in the crossfire. this is a great little british indie that debuted at sundance, written and directed by the guy who won an oscar a few years ago for the short film, six shooter (which incidentally, is on a dvd compilation of oscar-nominated shorts that i watched half of on the trip, but haven’t gotten to that particular film yet). how my dad managed to rent it, i don’t know, but as much as he hated it, i enjoyed it. colin farrell redeems himself as a compelling actor; i haven’t felt so compelled by him since minority report, before he publically came out as a man whore.

beowulf – another one that my dad rented that i watched because it was there. i had to read this book for like 6 different classes as an english major, and if you ask me now, i can’t tell you what it’s about except a dragon who was pissed about all the noise people were making, and his vengeful mother. and this guy who had balls the size of war vessels. but i had just read a review of wanted that mentioned that angelina’s amazing in this, so of course, i watched it for her. the animation is amazing but at some point, it got a little old as the story unfolds so painstakingly. and really, i wanted to indulge my chick-crush on angelina so i fast-forwarded to the part where she seduces our hero (who by the way, had all his old-man fat CGI’d off. i saw sexy beast. i know what ray winstone really looks like. you can’t trick me with those beautiful, beautiful fake abs that even made my dad exclaim, “wow, look at those abs.” by the way, there’s a naked fight scene. i mean, seriously. he couldn’t even be bothered to put on a codpiece). i watched the rest of the movie on fast forward because my dad had grumbled that he didn’t like the movie and had fallen asleep, and i really just wanted to see angelina who apparently gave birth to a humongous dragon who’s beowulf’s child. hmmm. i don’t remember that being in the book i studied in school, but i partook in quite a bit of contraband between then and now so i could very well be wrong. i don’t know. the movie’s visual eye candy, but i found it a little boring.

oh, i had a flash.

hierophant.

someone with taurus like energy.

the letter G.

everything falls under the power of 9.

isis

she is the key

i’ve been running into a lot of random people from the past lately. the thing that’s strange about these encounters is that these people seek me out and remember me, but i don’t remember them.

i usually have a very precise memory, especially when it comes to people. i remember where i met them, what they were wearing, what was said in conversation, and even what i was thinking as bits of conversation were unfolding. i can remember the birthday of almost every person i’ve ever met if they’ve told me their birthday. all this information is stored in a web, so when i think about them or i see them, the entire web unfolds and i see all these facts and images so i can access anything i want in order to have a relationship-appropriate interaction. also, people like it when someone remembers details about them, so if you have a job in, say, sales, it really develops a personal relationship.

but lately, something is very, very wrong. these people are coming up to me and are so enthusiastic that it really surprises me the disparity of the strength of their memory of me against my complete lack of memory of them. it’s like my database program has been deleted.

i’m also noticing that these encounters have happened in a cluster since my birthday which is also worth taking note. first it was a girl on my plane who said we’d hung out together at a going away party last year (i had no recollection of her). turned out we had the same flight to and from san jose, so she sat with me and told me all about her life. granted, i pretended i remembered her even though i didn’t, but i learned a lot about her on the flight. she gave me her number so we could hang out sometime, but i know me…i’ll never call. i usually just allow the universe to bring me into experiences and people when the time’s right. so if i see her again or she finds me again, then that was what was meant to be.

on the car ride up to tahoe, my brother had to go to the bathroom so we took an exit that’s not one of the major stops, and found a single gas station in the middle of nowhere. i was standing by the soda machine, keeping an eye on my brother when a guy came up to me and asked me, “your name is julia, right?” i look over and it’s this asian guy who doesn’t look familiar so i don’t confirm or deny…i just ask him, “why.” he says that he’s a friend of a friend of mine, and that he’s hung out with me at my place in la as well as at my parents house. i must look really confused or suspicious because he fills in the details of my places, and meanwhile, i’m getting a growing feeling of unease, because i don’t let very many people into my home, so if this guy has been to two of my homes, then i must know him. but i don’t. so we talk and again, i find myself pretending that i know who he is (because from the sound of things, i do), but i can’t shake the feeling that i’m going on pure faith that this guy really knows me. sometime in the middle of the conversation, he bursts out, “julia…what the hell are we doing here??? i mean, where are we? we’re in the middle of nowhere. what are you doing here and what am i doing here?” “yeah, this is weird,” i say with a chuckle, feeling his question as both a question of random locational coincidence as well as one of a deeper existential nature. at the end of the conversation, he mentions that he wants to talk to me further about some things. i think to him, this encounter seems too bizarre to be for no reason. but sometimes it’s for reasons that don’t necessarily involve both parties, so i just shrug and say sure, but i don’t offer a way to contact me and he doesn’t ask me for anything so we leave it at that. i figure, if we’re meant to connect again, we’ll connect.

the last thing happened today. getting off my flight today, i pass by an african american gentleman wearing a suit. i know he looks familiar but i don’t make an effort to place him and walk past him. he stops me and says, you play basketball at the gym. i’m surprised. i’ve actually run into people i play basketball with at the gym, but it’s like that phenomenon where people who know me in day to day life sometimes don’t recognize me when my hair is up and i’m wearing glasses even when they’re looking right at me–usually people from the gym don’t tend to recognize me when my hair is down. he says that i know his son, and even though there’s one kid in particular that i pay attention to and i wonder if that’s his son, i’m blanking on both what the kid looks like and what his name is. this guy starts talking to me in a familiar way because obviously i know them, except in this moment, especially since that night i made a commitment to exercise my right brain and develop my left hand, my memory of him and most people is missing, along with my sense of time and dates. it’s really like a certain part of my brain has become disabled (when i say disabled, i don’t mean handicapped, i mean turned off…like a program). this guy is obviously more familiar with me than i am with him, and i can’t find where i stored the files that tell me who he is.

i engage in friendly small talk and tell him to say hello to his son for me and that he’s a good kid, even though i can’t picture him in my mind at this moment but i know i would recognize his energy when i see him. he invites me to go swimming with him sometime, and i tell him that i’ve injured my shoulder even though i was just on the plane saying that i need to start swimming at the gym. again i figure, if we’re meant to meet again, we will. i walk away, and even though i see him looking over at me periodically as i wait for my bag, i stay focused and block out any energetic invitation that would make me approachable. everything is everything until something becomes clear.

i really don’t run into people that often. or perhaps i do, but usually, people don’t recognize me or see me, and i don’t really make an effort to reach out, thinking that if an interaction was meant to be, it would happen.

a part of me worries if there’s something wrong with my brain lately, but i’m substance free (barely even drinking since my birthday is really the one night a year that i let loose and drink), and there are other parts of my mental capacities that have become stronger and more focused than ever, which makes me think that perhaps my brain power is being diverted elsewhere.

memories are things i cherish and i used to have this thing where i remembered everyone, down to people who worked at my high school whom i’d never spoken to, or waitresses at restaurants i’d only ever been to once. maybe i’m just letting go of people. maybe i’m just realizing that you can’t take every single person you ever met with you towards wherever you’re going, so you have to be selective, hanging on only to the strongest connections. and maybe since i don’t willingly let go of people, my mind is doing it for me. maybe the ram that was used to store and organize people and the facts that make them up in my mind is being used for something else now, along with what was used to keep track of time and dates and organize information systems. over the last four years, i had organized my mind to mimic a CRM system that utilized microsoft outlook as a database. now i can barely use outlook or find anything in it.

i guess my question is then, given these new experiences that have been happening and the changes i can see and feel–what is my brain up to, and should i have faith or be alarmed?

i gave it some thought. for now, i’m going to have faith. i don’t exactly know why certain things are happening or what they mean, but i have a feeling that i don’t need to. as long as i stay focused, the truth that i’m seeking will become clear.

back home in la and everything is fine again. it’s strange how attached to home i’ve become lately. i actually feel stronger physically when i’m inside my home and can see my temple; my mind is clearer.

i had an anxiety attack yesterday. strangest thing. it was like blowing a mental fuse where all this energy spewed out, and just as quickly as it was coming out, it was evaporating. it was like splitting up into one very freaked out, terrified, appendage-flailing person, and one caretaker who was trying to move things out of the way before the first person could damage them. i was simultaneously trying to stomp on and trying to pick up and save a box of kleenex. i was freaking out about people trying to tell me what to do with my life out of their own ulterior motives (not necessarily bad intentions but still, a projection of their will onto me) instead of what was good for me, while simultaneously and bewilderedly apologizing for my seeming complete lack of control over my emotions. it was the weirdest feeling of going in two different directions really really fast and very very recklessly, each extreme reaction unable to pull the other into one focused direction so it all balanced out into a frenzied neutrality. when it happened, my mom just stared at me. she opened her mouth to respond, but then she thought better of it and left me alone because she knew it had nothing to do with her. after a few minutes of quiet time by myself, whatever had gotten into my head released its hold and it was over. i remembered there’s nothing you can do about life except take it one step at a time.

michael made a big difference. he wasn’t around when it happened, but as aloof as he often is, for whatever reason, he stuck closely to me the rest of the night, and we had a lovely evening spending time just the two of us. there’s this michael that comes out sometimes whom i’ve never been able to really explain to anyone because this part of him appears only when we’re alone. the closest thing i can imagine it being likened to is the way sapient dolphins can suddenly appear in mysterious waters, leading lost ships to land. it’s like his eyes are clearer, he seems wiser and bigger than you, and there’s an energy that comes out of him that’s the truth, so pure and unwavering that you know there are things in this world beyond what you see at face value, and those powers work in the name of all that is good. there are moments when he’s like this that i’m convinced he’s smarter than me, that he’s perhaps smarter than all of us, and this is simultaneously the most wonderful and the most tragic thing because he’s kind of trapped in a world of beings who have yet to evolve to a place where they can fully grasp the power and nature of truth.

so last night he reminded me. and i remembered that i have to be selective in what i see and believe, tuning out the voices and energies that distract me and pull me in the wrong or unnecessary directions.

i think i’m ready to ground my energy.

won $350 in tahoe and michael won on every slot machine he touched (over $280, i think, on 4 machines). and yet i still can’t feel my legs when i fall asleep.

help.

i’m losing control of the volcano and the energy is turning dark.

i want to get out of the country but i have a feeling even that won’t be far enough away.

yet a secret part of me is afraid i’m going to take myself so far away that i may actually let go forever.

i’ve stopped recognizing myself in the mirror.

all i see is someone who is so, so lost.

and i look at her and out of stubborn pride, i refuse to ask her why.

i almost had it today, i almost had my legs. i was almost ready to become the princess of disks and bury that spear deep into the earth so i could reclaim dominion. i could see everything and my path was solid, not a theoretical vision but a real thing that exists like a place or a person. but then something happened and i crumbled again, lost in amorphic feelings that seem to refuse to convert into fuel.

i’ve lost my handle. and i need to find some way to get it back soon, before this energy dissipates and leaves me stranded.

i could say, i need a 3rd point i can trust so i can triangulate my position, but how can another person help illuminate where i am if i’ve lost where i’m going again.

maybe this is a stage. i hope it’s a stage. but a part of me feels that there’s an urgency to this matter.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25501088

Great! This will bring great pride to our nation once again, pride we haven’t had since WWII and the internment of Japanese Americans.

Thanks, fuckers! Can’t wait.