Echo

and the echoes of…

to find the surface, you must first find the bottom.

now listening to: how to disappear completely (radiohead)

*****

i’m on the train, now leaving berlin.

kinda left a little of myself behind there, didn’t i?

there are a lot of dreams i would like to work on now.

but yet.

i have the pain of something that i want to leave behind, but physically i can’t.

it’s been so many years and today, it’s sitting here, alive and well in my present reality.

how can you not believe in ghosts.

i was sick of therapy and talking about things. most therapists are weak individuals. the problem wasn’t in the room when we talked. the problem is when i’m alone somewhere and someone wants to get close to me. and then he’s in that room with us. my ghost. and i hate it.

i can’t separate things in my mind.

how to explain how i got there. how to explain what was wrong with me that i couldn’t get him to leave. and all i could see were the knives, less than a foot behind his hands.

and he can berate me. and berate me. and berate me. and i’ll take it. but i just couldn’t get him to leave.

to be held hostage in your own home.

and what you had to give up that night and forever to trade for your freedom.

no one knows.

they know but they don’t know.

they know but they don’t know.

did it happen that way?

you don’t build your fences right. you build them too close to the home, when you were supposed to build them further out.

so afterwards, they sent me to meetings to supposedly understand my situation. i only went once. there was a woman there who talked about how her brother molested her for years, and how he’s happily married now with children while she lives in a permanent dusk. how when she confronted her brother, he denied it. and when she confessed to her mother, her mother asked her why she was trying to stir up trouble when it was so far in the past. and so all she had were these meetings for her to spin in circles. and from the bored, impatient faces of everyone involved, she obviously told the same secret every week.

what was the key out of her hell if no one was there to deal with it but herself?

some ghosts you can never shake.

some things you can’t convince yourself never happened no matter how much you try. and every day, you go about telling a lie.

you tell people a story so they can swallow your pain, because a superficial cut is easier to provide support for than something they are ill-equipped to comprehend. some depths of pain are not things people willingly welcome into their homes.

but i know.

i knew what i had to exchange for my freedom. for my safety.

there might have been another way. but i didn’t think. i couldn’t think. and still those knives. within half an arm’s reach away from his hands. his eyes bulging in anger. a tinge of mania. and still. those knives. those knives those knives those knives.

brian bought me a new set of knives when he moved in. somehow, he was completely oblivious of the symbolism of those knives, yet intuitively and without my permission, he threw them away and replaced them.

but sometimes, i look at his knives and i can’t seperate them from the others.

no one knows about what happened. what happened inside me. when a part of you sacrifices another part so that the rest may live. and what of the part that was sacrificed?

every moment that someone circles closer and closer, i await the moment when i’ll have to call him out of the darkness. and then i’ll remember.

once upon a time.

i exchanged immediate safety for a ghost that will follow me into my most intimate moments with another human being. he will always be in that room with us every time i have to go back to that place.

and no one knows.

i can not communicate it. what happened. what happens when you sacrifice. people may not understand weakness. because a man will always be stronger than a woman even if a woman has more power. and in a moment, he can break her, no matter how strong she is.

there are many types of pain that i do not fear. but to feel safe, and suddenly in the next moment–you’re back in that place with him.

but it was what i traded in order to escape. and still, those knives. those knives on the counter, within arm’s reach. those knives are a reminder that no one fully escapes once they’ve been held prisoner. it will always be a part of you, and you, a part of it.

okay, i calmed down.

i realized i’m going to need my wits.

i was IMing with my scorpio today:

AZ says (9:16 AM):
rule #1 DONT TRUST NOBODY

Julia says (9:16 AM):
rule #2, if you got a dead hooker in the trunk, don’t speed

breathe julia.

you need to calm down.

i’ll tell you what it’s like. it’s like being able to function and go about day to day, and not once do your emotions reach your head outside of a pressure in your chest or an inkling in your mind.

and then sometimes in the quiet moments when you’re alone, you hear echoes. echoes of images, fleeting moments, emotions that had been collected throughout the day below your awareness. of people, and invitations that you didn’t see when the moment was there for you to grasp. and a longing. a longing for something more, a longing for some kind of connection even though deep down, you know you may not possess the capacity to accept it.

i had an email from david by the time i got to berlin. i expected it. i expected to read what he wrote but it still made the blood drain from my head and gave me a sinking feeling in my chest.

all i do is leave a wake of hurt and disappointment in my path.

i get lonely, then i break down and show a stranger the real me. and these strangers usually want to follow me home, want to keep me, want to intertwine our futures.

how can a man be so sure after knowing me for one day? that’s the thing i want to tell him but it’s not nice, even though it’s the truth. what he feels, i can’t vouch for because i’ve seen it too often to trust it. so many people have looked at me the way he looks at me. and they are not in my life, even though i always think about them and wonder if they’re still awake.

what i give to you
is just what i’m going through
this is nothing new
no no just another phase of finding what i really need
is what makes me bleed
like a new disease,
[he’s] still too young to treat…

(volcano – damien rice)

i am a seeker but as a person, my capabilities are limited. so fucking limited that i don’t understand how someone who can project so much warmth and love can have such an empty heart, but it’s because i seek and i share what i discover and what energy i capture, but as a person, i am not much outside of my function.

so often i feel that i am not human, but perhaps the irony is that i’m devastatingly human. so completely limited by human flaw. i stumble through life but my insides are underdeveloped, and while others can coexist with loved ones and built emotional bonds and futures, i skirt the surface and only give in one shot, one night, the dribbles of heart i’ve saved up for long stretches. and one night is often all i’ve got. i can not sustain any bonds to my insides because there is nothing for others to tie themselves to. but i keep searching, hoping that somehow, i can find a heart to put in place of the empty space where i don’t have one. so much love and warmth can radiate out of me, but no heart. i can’t understand it.

getting close to people hurts my self-esteem because as intelligent and as good at so many things as i am, as hard as i work to always be improving aspects of myself and my capabilities, nothing reminds me of how limited i am as getting close to people. having someone want things from me reminds me of how limited i am in what i can give emotionally, even though spiritually, i can give abundantly. but that’s never enough. they want emotional connection. and eventually, they want a commitment. and it makes me feel like i only disapoint people because as they get closer, they realize that beautiful oasis they thought they saw was just a mirage, and the things they felt were promised don’t even exist.

giving emotionally, feelings…it’s like trust. you can’t just say you trust someone. you either have trust in something or you don’t. you can talk around it, think around it, but it comes down to that. same thing with emotions, interpersonal love. you either have it or you don’t. and i feel it surging inside me for certain people in a spiritual sense, but when what they’re looking for is something that comes out of my chest, it’s not by my choice that there is nothing in there.

i’ve philosophized about it. i’ve tried to spin it so many ways. i’ve tried to come to terms with it as an existential quest. i’ve told people straight up that i don’t even belong to me…i belong to the universe, to a journey that i don’t always understand, but that i am committed to follow.

you can’t tell me it’s because i’m avoiding, or that i just don’t want to commit. if i could find someone that i could consistently have feelings for and it felt right to tie my future to his, then i would. i absolutely would. but so far, nothing fills that void in my chest except sharing and giving spiritual comradery, protection and knowledge.

when i meet people i care about, i end up wanting to protect them from me, but also protect me from them. i don’t want them to get too attached because they will get hurt, and i don’t want them to get too close because their disappointment will hurt me. but nothing makes me feel emptier than being close to someone.

look, why do i have these spiritual meetings with strangers that come out of the blue like a bolt of lightning. people are always asking me what i get out of it and i’ll tell you the truth–when i share a message with someone, i am filled with love for that person, a burning desire to see them free and awake, aware of their potential and how beautiful they are. i remember that love and that person i shared it with and i carry all of these experiences with me, these perfectly encapsulated moments where two strangers, two spiritual travelers, met on a dark road and shared something meaningful before continuing on their individual paths.

but to get close to someone, means giving up that moment. it means taking something magical that happened in the deepest of night to be scrutinized by the light of day. in essence, it destroys the moment…it destroys the magic.

all this may not make exact sense right now or it may sound like a load of spin to hide a commitment issue, but i’m just throwing out everything inside me while i figure it out. my thoughts on this will probably change hourly. i’m starting to see that this trip is for me to understand this aspect of myself, and either see if this is something i can change on a personal level (a psychological block), or something i have to come to terms with on a spiritual level. every person’s life path is different, and everyone’s function is different. i proved to people i can commit, but the problem is, i need to want to commit. something has to be worthy of my commitment and i only want to commit to the things that are right for me. what you are meant to do, you’ll do best, but what you do best may not necessarily be what you want to do. that’s the rule under which everything else falls. from there, you have to decide where you will live.

so that brings me to now. watching the rain come down in fat pellets outside my window in berlin, sitting in an unbelievably beautiful and comfortable hotel room that makes me feel safe and inspired.

and david. who’s on a train right now because he’s decided he needs to see me in berlin tonight.

breathe, julia. breathe.

i don’t belong to anyone.

and like that, i have a date tonight.

i have no idea who i’m going to be.

i started thinking about how a mind learns today, and even though i maintained a B+/A- avg all the way through college, i know i was a bad student. i was just smart enough to slip through the cracks, though it’s nothing i’m proud of. if i could do it again, with the aid of coffee or whatever i need to stay focused and absorb, i would. it’s just that general learning settings didn’t work for me.

this is how it went:

i was always asleep. like narcoleptic asleep. i could walk into a lecture and be asleep before the professor began speaking, waking up as everyone packed up to leave. i had a good way of disappearing so the teachers never bothered me, but i was rarely awake, unless i found the material drivingly interesting (anything related to psychology/spirituality, but not religion. therefore, i logged almost no waking hours in science classes, accumulated). i even knew how to prop my head up like i was reading, and could sleep through a whole class that way.

this was the worst in college. i could sleep so deeply as to be dreaming bizarre, quirky, fantastical dreams. they were like little video clips spawned by david lynch or dali that completely disoriented me when i woke up. often, i would doubt the existence of this reality because the other seemed so much more colorful and full of life.

i made up the knowledge doing all of the assigned readings with great concentration and diligence. all math and science homework i copied off guys i bullied into helping me with a playful dominating seduction. they really couldn’t say no. because i knew i didn’t deserve a good grade, i would study the night before the final to cram as much cursory knowledge into my short term memory, and I was willing to live with at worst a C in science classes. People have always been amazed at how I get away with test taking considering I basically glean very little from attending class.

i’m very good at retaining written word for a short period of time, turning ideas into mnemonics so i could pass any tests. I tend to forget shortly after. this was how i passed out of my language requirement while trying to graduate early. basically, i did 5 semesters at michigan (took fall of my 2nd year off when i tore my acl a few weeks in). i had some ap credits and went to school year round, taking classes at berkeley one year (for english requirements) then usc the next (film). i had to take a years worth of classes my final semester, and the only way to get everything in was to double up on classes, which the university didn’t seem to notice. so one of the classes, i only went to twice–the first day to pick up the syllabus, the last day to take the final. (i crammed in the reading the week before the final). i was also simultaneously shooting an ambitious thesis film that took up almost every waking hour and severely limited the amount of sleep i got. at the end of the semester, as it looked like i was all set to graduate, i realized i hadn’t fulfilled my language requirement.

michigan requires two years. i had taken the spanish evaluation exam when i first entered, and had passed out of two semesters. but it’s not offered in the summer, so i would have had to come back for a fourth year of college, because of one class i needed in the fall, and one class i needed in the spring. that drove me crazy. the school policy is that i can only take the test once upon entrance. they wouldn’t let me take the test again. i read through the policies and found a loophole. if i could prove that i had a learning disability and this wasn’t accounted for at the time i took my initial language test, then they had to let me retake the test.

look, i’m not someone who likes to take advantage of things. but i needed to get out of school. the academic environment doesn’t help me learn optimally and kills my self-esteem. plus, my family was imploding back in california and they were making me come home every month to witness the turmoil, and i couldn’t take being tugged between two worlds anymore–my tumultuous family life from which i came, and the independent world of possibility where i was trying to find myself.

my brother has Asperger’s, compounded by ADHD. i knew that when they had taken our CAT scans to compare brain function when we were kids, they saw the same activity in my brain denoting ADHD as in his. i remembered that. so it wasn’t hard for me to take a test and get diagnosed. hell, anyone who has met me can probably tell i’m ADHD, unless i try very hard to focus and hide it, which is really mentally draining.

so i went back, showed them the diagnosis and paperwork, and i was scheduled to re-take the test a week after my graduation ceremony. so i walked, getting my diploma without knowing whether or not i would have to stay for another year just because of two classes. i did come to terms with it though. michigan only gives full degrees, no minors, but if i had to stay, i would just get a third degree in psychology. i only needed 8 classes.

i bought an ap spanish book to help me cram, and went in and took the test, praying that my short-term memory didn’t fail me. i felt pretty confident about it, knowing i only needed 70% and i was done with college.

the guy fed my answer sheet through the machine, and when he came back, he looked embarrassed. sorry, he said. i looked and it said i’d only gotten 54% correct, meaning another year of school. i stared at it for a long time. 54%??? could i have overestimated the confidence of my knowledge and completely been delusional about my answers? it didn’t make sense.

are you sure this is right? i asked him.

yeah, you failed. he said.

failed.

the most devastating word in my vocabulary.

and it came out of the mouth of some buck-toothed punk.

i felt my ears get hot and my eyes started stinging.

i didn’t mind coming back for another year and getting another degree while i was at it (i loved psychology anyway, though i struggle with statistics). but how was it i scored worst than when i first took the test?

suddenly, i was confident that didn’t make sense.

you need to check this again, i told him. there’s no way i only got 54% on this test.

machines don’t lie, he told me.

i thrust the sheet back into his hands. go check it, i said. like there wasn’t going to be an argument.

he rolled his eyes and went back and checked. i waited with my arms crossed.

a few minutes later, he came back, apologetic. i’m really sorry, he said. i matched your answer sheet against the wrong test. you got an 83%. Congratulations.

oh my god. i’d graduated.

in the cheapest, most meaningless way possible.

so that’s how i got out of college.

i wheeled and dealed. i took classes that overlapped, showing up just for the first day and the final to do well enough to pass and get the credit. i slept through lectures and then got the geeks down my hall to explain the information to me. anything that required writing, i was the queen of bullshit. words are seduction and i would write the craziest essays and papers in a few hours, always doing this stream of consciousness, typing as fast as my mind can go. I always wrote them within days of getting the assignment, often the same day, then turned them in weeks later without rereading. some instructors would call bullshit on me for not telling them in detail how i got from point a to point d. but for the most part, the stuff i was dropping sounded good enough for them to buy into. A’s for anything written was easy.

the falling asleep was always a problem with lecture classes, but it was harder to hide in discussion. so the only way to get me to pay attention in a discussion format, was for me to have a crush on the instructor and intellectually spar or engage with him or her. sometimes it was shameful who i made myself generate crushes on so i could be motivated into proving i was i
ntelligent enough to get a good grade. men or women, old or young, i fought hard in those classes to make myself interested and always got a’s in those. i ended up spending as much time hanging out with graduate student instructors as my peers.

in hindsight, i think i realized if i didn’t go fast, i would lose my momentum and get swallowed up by the academic system. it was just so hard for me to swallow information that way, and i struggled incredibly with focus and attention. yet, i’m infatuated with learning and collecting knowledge. i still continue to take classes to this day, around 4-6 a year because it’s important in my life to continually expand intellectually. but i do feel guilty sometimes that i wasn’t able to make the most out of my academic career, and even though i saved my parents a year in out-of-state tuition, i also feel like i wasted their money because i didn’t retain very much academic information. i do have regrets about how i wasted my education and am constantly reminding myself that just because i can find loopholes and get out of a lot of situations, it can often be to my detriment because i’m missing out on the experience and what can be gained if i followed the rules and forced myself to focus.

final exam: an open-ended forum to show the universe what I’ve learned so far at this point in my life. If I can stay strong and positive and pay attention, it will determine the types of challenges I’ll be presented with in the next stage of my life. My goal is to show that I am projecting the type of energy that tells the universe that I don’t have to repeat lessons and I’m ready to move on.

Right now, I’m thinking about everything and trying to come up with a focused statement of, what have I learned so far, and where would I like to go from here. And once I’ve visualized it, I have to project it into the universe for approval.

Guten Tag aus Deutschland!

I can’t believe I’m in Germany. This is so surreal because my mindset is exploration mode, but I’m in another country. I’m usually only in other countries with my mom and my brother (ah Michael…it’s already hard being so far away from him. It seems so wrong that I’m in the land of Mercedes and BMW’s without him. But I’ve been taking pictures of cars for him, and promised him I would visit the BMW factory).

So for those who are catching up, this is how it started. I quit my job on Friday, Feb 29th. That night, I was supposed to meet up with Sareet and the gang for DJ Ass & Titties at a club in Silver Lake. I was tired from the emotional strain of leaving my job and having to say goodbye to a family I’ve watched grow for almost 5 years. Plus, I’d already had quite a bit of happy hour tequila with the coworkers, and then gone home and had a good, cathartic cry. So I clean up and head out and am already all the way to Hollywood when I realize, I don’t want to spend all night at an 18 and older club in Silverlake, only having to drive all the way back at 2am. So I turn around. I’m halfway home when I decide I do need to do something to commemorate the day, because it’s the first day of the rest of my life. I figure, I never go to that Venice area, so I headed over.

As I park my car, I see across the street that Circle Bar has a line of about 40 men with no women (they were letting the women go straight in). I thought it would be funny to get in line. So as I’m in line, I meet a short dude who seemed really threatened by me a la Mike from back in the day, and showing immense growth over the last 4 years, I didn’t let him get in my head. I ended up talking to a couple of friendly Germans, and I asked them why they would wait an hour in a line to get into a bar that seemed to be all men. They said that this is where their hotel recommended. So I ended up waiting it out (I had nowhere else to be) because I really was curious if it was all dudes in there. I ended up talking to one of the guys in the bar and then driving him around LA showing him the sights at night while listening to my night mix on my iPod. He was a great guy. Had a lot of soul, had a lot of spirituality, and we were able to communicate on that level despite a language barrier. He said, you can do anything you want right now, be anywhere you want. You’re completely free and you should take advantage of this. He was really excited for me. You should go to Germany next week, he said. Okay, I said.

The thing is, I’ve got ties to Germany and I never understood why. I’ve never told anyone this, but my earliest conscious memories of dreaming involved dreaming of a fantastical factory that created identical blond hair, blue-eyed men (I don’t think it was an ego desire, because from childhood to now, I’ve always been drawn to dark-haired men and not aesthetically interested in blondes). But these dreams were recurring. Of course, when I got older, I realized why I should never, ever, ever tell anyone about these dreams. Once I learned about Nazism and their love of blond-haired, blue-eyed children, I found these childhood recurring dreams a little scary. I also loved photography from Germany, the landscapes and quaint villages, and was obsessed with WWII and what happened to the collective psychology of the German people. I took a German cinema class one summer at Berkeley, and learned the word, Heimat. There’s no English translation for this word, but it means something akin to motherland, the place where you come from. I fell in love with this word.

Was I a German in a past life? I was regressed once and I saw I lived in a cobblestone village. My father was blacksmith but I was an intellectual/academic type, though I was disappointed with my work as I expressed myself conservatively and never wanted to differ from what was academically accepted. I died on that cobblestone street, I just got dizzy and blacked out and that was the end, but my last emotion was one of bitterness at my own weakness. I thought this all took place in Austria but when I prepared for this trip, I learned that Bavaria is smilar to areas in Austria. Perhaps some lingering, overwhelming guilt would explain why I so obsessively strive to do good and put the good of others before my own. The guilt of the German people post-WWII is something I really want to feel and understand here. Perhaps it’s secretly because it is so close to my inexplicable guilt that I hope this trip will be cathartic.

I definitely feel good here so far. People here, like me, are polite and friendly.

I’ll update as I go, internet access allowing.

I’m ready. Thank you all for everything.
I wish you the very best in your lives.
I hope in the future we’ll meet again.

i’m exhausted. updating my ipod right now. i’m going to try to get up at 6 tomorrow morning and push myself hard with cardio so i’ll be exhausted for the plane ride.

i’ve been doing a lot of thinking and i think this is a great time to get away and immerse myself in something else so when i get back to la, i can look at my life with fresh eyes.

i have big decisions to make when i come back. if i were courageous, i would move to sf. but i’m still not convinced my boundaries will be respected if i’m living that close to my family. but then, baron would get more time to spend staring at my breasts. ah, gay men love breasts. i also don’t want to give up my place in la. it’s my biggest energy source right now, so i won’t leave unless i can find one that’s equally as powerful in the bay area. but i think i would find more intelligent people who are willing to talk about ideas up in the bay area.

i think sometimes i sound like an elitist in terms of intelligence but i’m really not. lord knows, i’m usually not even the smartest person in any given room. but i think i’m just so sick of how people in la are actually intelligent, but something about this culture down here makes people not value intelligence and play down their own intelligence for the sake of fitting in. i’m busy trying to learn things and think about things so i can expand my mind, but it seems like this isn’t the most conducive environment.

one thing i do want to try though, before i leave, is to change my attitude. to just talk about the things i think about and if people want to give me blank stares or say i’m crazy, i won’t care. because i think what will happen is some of the people who are expansive thinkers but not speaking up, will speak up and engage. i just refuse to believe that people are this blank down here. they absolutely aren’t. i think it’s like what my lawyer said, there’s too much mental illness in la. so a lot of people stay quiet because they don’t want to sound like the crazies. well, there’s a thin line between madness and genius. you just have to know how to tread it as best you can. when you dive into that well to bring back something of value, always make sure you have an anchor, and only dive when you are strong.

so i’ll have no phone going into germany. fucking sprint. having no cellphone for me feels like not wearing a seatbelt when i get in a car. just totally naked.

i actually paid attention to packing today. i’m normally the world’s worst packer because i always do it last minute and i totally don’t care. i’m the kind of person who can show up to a place and realize i have no pants or socks or something. but i wanted to make sure i didn’t mess this up.

this is my first trip out of the country by myself. i always travel with family and i’ve done my little spontaneous trips in the US alone, but i’m going to a place where i don’t even know the language. i’m totally convinced this has a lot to do with me watching the amazing race for the first time a few months ago. there’s a part of me that’s always messing with the other part of myself that’s conservative and timid, so i’m guessing the plan is to drop me in the middle of germany armed with just a guidebook and my wits, and see if i can survive. it’s totally a survival adventure. i can feel that conservative/timid part of me has had a scream plastered on her face the last few days. she’s utterly terrified. of course, i ignore her. i got my mom’s war-general side.

the german guy wrote back and i told him i’m gonna be in germany. i debated whether i was going to tell him all week. it seems silly not to mention it, but then i worry about an unspoken expectation of sex. he seems pretty polite though and he’s busy with school so if i do end up seeing him, i’m not too worried. he’s close to munich which is the last leg of my trip, so at least by then i should be feeling more confident in traveling alone so i’ll be able to gauge the situation from a steadier foundation.

so i’m going to frankfurt, then bacharach, then amsterdam, then berlin, then bavaria/munich. i want to see if i can squeeze austria in, so i haven’t booked my hotel yet for munich. i’ll see how exhausted i am. i hope they have strong coffee out there, because i’m also a pussy with jetlag.

i have 6 dvds, 4 books, 2 comics and 2 notebooks. i think i treat boredom as something to avoid by all means. but i know this is just to pass the time on the plane. when i get there, i’ve got a lot of work to do.

weather is supposed to be in the 40’s. that doesn’t scare me.

the only thing that scares me in life anymore, is a teabag to the face by a black guy wearing only baby oil.

today was interesting.

got up today to visit my accountant. she told me i’m fucked. it’s just money, i thought and took it in stride, writing her a big happy check to a messenger i was expansive enough not to kill. violet by hole came blasting out as i turned on my car. fitting. drove away feeling like the shit.

so strong today. so strong today it blows my mind that i can’t share it with anyone.

i’ve been seriously thinking–how does a dead hooker become a dead hooker? does a person go in thinking, “I’m gonna kill that hooker.” or does it just happen because unbridled passion is a powerful thing. my scorpio explained the hooker usually ends up dead during the payment process. he’s adorably literal. i know people think i’m joking when i ask and that’s how i play it off, but i have genuine concerns. i have so much energy stored up right now, i’ve been steering clear of sex because i’m afraid i just might kill someone.

someone has been trying to plant the idea of sex in my head. this is funny to me because he doesn’t know that this tactic is redundant because sex is on my mind 100% of the time, even if it’s a program running in the background. this has been my more recent experiment that i started last summer. if you generate pressurized sexual energy at all times but give yourself no outlet except through mental thought and focus, you can create such intense magnetism that you can bypass a person’s defenses by controlling and imploding a sexually charged moment. basically, you can seduce whoever you want if you use that energy correctly.

sadly, this discovery was made by a very passive initiator. but it does work.

it’s been so easy to think about how things work in my head since working at a software company. the idea of a software running invisibly in the background, sdk integrations and crm systems has helped me understand how i can reprogram my thinking to mimic how software works. when our crm system went down, it was a mess because that’s where we stored all of our notes about client relationships, phone numbers, pricing, etc. the system would keep erasing information every time they updated the software. after a while, it was erasing information to the point we couldn’t keep it there anymore. so instead, i memorized everything i needed. i basically organized a portion of my brain as a customer management tool. i couldn’t remember numbers, but i was able to retain a large database of about 50 accounts with company names, contact names and positions, emails, pricing and notes about their project history. one day, i was talking to a customer and telling him that i was forgetting random things, like i was talking to my friend about her job, and then 5 minutes later, i asked her how grad school was. she told me, i’ve been out of school for two years, then looked at me weird because we’d just been talking to her about her post-grad job. i told my customer that when that happened, i realized i had to dump some of this information out of my head to outlook because it was taking up too much memory and i didn’t have a place to store the details of my personal life.

then that night, i realized the magnitude of what i’d managed to do. i’d literally arranged my mind to mimic a software, albeit a software boasting a modest memory.

that leads me to…what else can i do?

anyway, i digress.

drove out to cypress park to witness this porn burrito i’d read about in a jonathan gold review. it was indeed obscene. i bought it para llevar so i could take it home, lay it out on a counter and take pictures of it for brian. i took a picture with it next to a loaf of bread and the loaf was a little more than half the size of the burrito. i wasn’t satisfied that brian would truly appreciate the sheer enormity of the thing so i left it on the counter for when he got home. i would post the pictures here but they honestly make me blush.

fell into a two hour k-hole. dreamt about pasadena families with old money in the style of a telenovela. woke up realizing i did NOTHING to prepare for my trip and ran out to get traveler’s checks 10 minutes before the bank closed.

the guy who helped me was a nice guy named ricardo. i asked him if he’s ever been to germany. he said no, but there’s a girl who comes into this bank who used to be the point guard at ucla. she’s playing for a team in germany. he says i should go try to find her. i told him that would be cool if someone can tell me where to play basketball in germany. then i realized something and asked him, wait, is she japanese? he said, yeah. her name is natalie nakase. i tell him, this is crazy but i just read an article randomly about her last month. she’s an inspiration. he said, really?. he says, crap, she had emailed me but i think i deleted her email. secretly i wonder if there was something romantic between them and if he’d not been into long-distance…so i play her up. yeah, there’s this amazing article about how no one thought she’d play college ball and then she excelled there and was making her way towards the wnba. wow, he says. i didn’t know. she’s got an amazing story, i say. i’m starting to feel like i really know this girl and have been following her career for years, the way i feel proud of her.

here’s her article: http://www.audreymagazine.com/April2006/Features02.asp

i randomly found it looking up my tae kwon do grandmaster because my mom told me her story was amazing: http://www.audreymagazine.com/April2006/Features05.asp

so i send natalie a message because i figured i was supposed to do something. i just tell her what happened and asked her if she knew of any women-friendly basketball courts in germany. but then i read her blog and i have so many questions, like how she communicates with her teammates, and what it’s like to be playing out a dream. my dream was always to play professional sports. softball was supposed to be my ticket but it eventually took my left knee…yet who knew i was an even better basketball player. i wonder if i hadn’t been so angry at my father, if i had stuck with basketball, if things would have been different.

(today’s digressions are bad)

so after the bank, i go to the gym. adeleine from work had said she hoped to see me there when she went for training. i do the elliptical for an hour (hopped on and off for the people waiting so it wasn’t a satisfactory hour) and some bike, watched 3 episodes of curb your enthusiasm. ethan/etan (the basketball stalker) came by. i had worried over the weekend that i would end up punching him if he said the wrong thing when we saw each other again. basically, he’s been harassing me because he’s arrogant and can’t believe i’m not interested in him. yes, he’s a good-looking guy, top 30% of guys i actually talk to, but just so, so stupid. he keeps oversharing about his asian girlfriends and then no matter what i say to him, he just tells me i’m difficult and a piece of work. he did something kind of fucked up as a joke that was mean to this weird old guy who’s always staring at me, so when he caught me later, i’d told him that was really mean and not cool. then i told him, look. i’m a very nice person, and i like being a nice person. i don’t like this verbal sparring but i’ll do it because i’m basically mirroring you and i can’t help that. but if you want to talk to me, you need to talk to me like a normal human being, otherwise i’m not talking to you anymore. then he flew off the handle, was upset about this “normal human being business.” he said i was ridiculous then stormed away. i kept working out for another 10 minutes before i left, but i was seething inside. if he’d just put down this weird aggressively defensive approach, i’d be willing to get to know him. but it’s like having someone who keeps sl
apping you on the back of the head.

so today, of course, he walks up to me and says what’s up and i think, oh no. but he’s actually nice today, making an effort. so maybe he did hear me. just a little bit. but he still talks to me like i’m this creature from another planet and he’s an angry little boy who’s equally as terrified as intrigued. but i gave him a couple of points because he was making an effort.

his business partner hops on a machine and when he finds out i’m in marketing, he tells me their company needs help with marketing. i tell him, i’m trying to build up my marketing company right now so i’d be happy to do freelance consulting and can bill depending on the size and scope of the project. it sounds like they need help with their website, defining their market and working with press and product placement, all things i can do. i ask him to email me with their web address but he’s gotta go play basketball so he tells ethan(etan) to do it. he emails me from his blackberry. he jokes, where should i put my phone number? i say dryly, of course, cuz you’ve been trying to give it to me for months. he’s offended so i say bye and leave.

i check my email when i get home but i figure i’ll look at their website later. as i’m in my inbox another email from him comes in. he’s written: when r we going out? i write back: when i’m convinced you can talk to me like a human being on a consistent basis. the 10 minutes today was a good start… he writes: unreal! i quote you lines and stories i attempt to make u laugh. wow.

whatever.

it’s as much fun as banging your head against a wall.

back to the gym. i just miss adeleine after her training. i was in the weight area, which i never venture into. i’m convinced that the dark dc marked his territory and the weight area is his the way the back cardio row and the courts are mine. we’ve managed to coexist without interacting for 4 months now. i know when i’m in his area or see him, it can make me wary and twisted in a way that i lose my appetite. i went in there on sunday to do work on my shoulder but his energy zapped me for two days. that’s fucked up. so i went in there again today to try to weaken the energy. dark dark energy but i’m intent not to let it have any power over me.

wanted to buy underwear at victoria’s secret but the mall was closing in 30 minutes and i hate rush shopping. sometimes it blows my mind the things i do to secretly amuse myself. i always wear my sexiest underwear under my shorts when i play basketball, because i think it’s funny that i’m banging with the boys in the most un-feminine way…yet no one knows i’m secretly wearing very feminine lingerie. i’ve also let someone call me cindy now for a couple of years.

went home and discussed the porn burrito with brian. saw i had a message from rie and as i went to call her, tracy called. talked to him. i do admire him in some ways and do feel he can be impishly evil sometimes. i think he wants to know if he’s managed to push a button. am putting something in the mail for him and hope it results in inspiration. called rie and we talked about tango, men, heartbreak and the rules of married conduct (i love calling her a desperate housewife). she insists i visit amsterdam. i told her, it looks like it would be logical for me to go there first, but if i tell people i’m going to germany and i end up spending the whole time in amsterdam, people will think i’m a drug addict. she promised me amsterdam is beautiful. i would like to see the anne frank museum so i’m willing to consider it. i only know one person in amsterdam…it was this guy i met in cancun over christmas who told me the next time he saw me, he would prove to me what a great lover he is. i think he meant it as a promise but i kind of took it as a threat because he wasn’t that attractive. i hope the place is big enough to not run into him…

which brings me to now. what the fuck am i doing up at 4am?

I was reading about my Pluto in the 3rd House:

Pluto was found in the third house at the time of your birth. This planet appears to rule over everything that occurs at extremes. Therefore we should expect a similar inclination of your mind in terms of extreme good or extreme evil. Among your mental faculties there will exist an inspiration of unknown origin which will aid you in times of severe crisis, whether of a financial or psychological nature. The basic trait granted by Pluto here is perpetual and active planning with a tenor of Machiavellian speculation. Your mind oscillates between contrary concepts and it seeks to find truth by dialectic analysis of opposites. In addition to the mental characteristics described above, also possess power of penetration, ingenuity, and assertive aggression – you can well force your views on others. You will be attracted to intellectual pursuits completely apart from science such as politics and/or scenic art.

I wanted to look up Machiavellian to understand the nuances of how it was being used here. Learned about High Machs. Oddly, randomly thought about a guy I’d known almost 10 years ago earlier today, and remembered how creepy and charmingly manipulative he was. His last name was Macht.

That article led me to this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_dominance_orientation

Which then made me realize, all this talk about High Machs and social dominance orientation, sounded eerily like all the teachings of a Scorpio that I was experiencing last year. I would be interested to see how many of these people who tested as High Machs and with high-SDO were Scorpios or had Pluto prominent in their charts.

got my kcrw package today. now listening to morcheeba – deep dive.

(i could swear i already have this album). figured if i don’t know, i must not have been impressed and maybe in this setting, i’ll like it.

it’s nice in the background tonight.

the problem with march is it can make your mind blur as you start climbing into the world of daydream. but it’s quite a beautiful thing if you don’t overthink it.

lots and lots of power yesterday. sunday as well. wow. good clean energy. wanted to hug everyone to see them smile.

low level anxiety starting up. very, very low frequency but a whine nevertheless. mars energy about to cut in on the dance.

went to gym. made a one handed 3 pointer while playing 21 with a black dude (he was cute but you know where i am now). he was impressed. i made it rain all day and it was effortless, the cleanest snap of the net like the ball was a mirage passing through almost every time. it was the same thing in the 3-on-3 games. effortless. and i pretended i didn’t notice because i knew if i did, it would stop. but i was watching myself and thinking, this isn’t me. it was the same feeling this sunday, the same feeling that one night a couple of weeks ago when the guys followed me out, telling me my shooting was like nothing they’d ever seen. i’m not at all saying this to brag because lord knows, i’m not that good generally. but, the crazy thing is, i AM that good when i’m alone. it’s been one of the more frustrating things in my life, how i can do certain things really well when i’m alone, and then get anxious about people’s attention so it’s not even worth telling people i’m good at something because i’ll never be able to prove it. but lately, i’m staying detached enough to be able to do things despite there being people watching or listening. i still lose focus though, but it’s getting better.

spent some time getting to know mike. his focus comes from a deeper place but if you distract him mentally and he has to “go upstairs” to respond, he’ll lose focus. i’m willing to talk to him but can’t figure out where his ears are, figuratively. so i kind of give him a pat on the back kind of energy, and hope sometime in the future we’ll find a common language with which we can communicate. i wonder why he feels bad about himself. when i touch it, it makes me feel sad, too. and a little dark.

i’m hearing a lot more colors and textures than i used to when i’m engaged with a person. it’s like i reached a higher level of my challenge and it opened up a handful of extra colors that i’ve never experienced before, so i’ve been out there have a blast painting with them. it’s creating new discoveries everywhere.

finished booking my ticket today. it was more complicated than i realized it would be but it’s done. i said i would be in germany this week, and i will be. (TERRRRRRRIFIED. good thing i tend to dismiss my emotions quickly).

you are a liar.

i know.

the kids called from work today. i was on my way home from the gym and picked up the call to hear avi and adeleine. they said no one was in the office (the narc’s in israel) so they’re just chilling. it was good to hear from them. like hearing from your friends at camp while you’re home spending the summer with a tutor. which is strange because technically i’m the one having fun, even though i’m in a period where i’m doing a lot of hard work in other ways. adeleine told me that avi was coming in on time and wearing button down shirts every day, and i was really happy. i don’t tend to get my hopes up but when i find out that one of my messages actually manages to go from something abstract to something real, it’s amazing. i had high hopes for avi and one of the last things i kept saying before i left, was for him to give people no reason whatsoever to belittle his capabilities and his contribution. and that i couldn’t wait for the day in the future, when i pick up my phone and it’s him calling to tell me he’s in sf for the day on business, and he’s this successful guy now who’s gotten to the place he’s always wanted for himself. they said they missed me but my energy is still in the office. i told them to take care of each other, especially the boys with adeleine. i promised adeleine i would see her at the gym tomorrow.

you know i’m creating another person in here, right? that’s the secret. just know this.

11 11 > 22.

22 is reality.

>22 is everything beyond our wildest dreams.

Virgos are assholes. What? Yeah, you heard me. Virgos are assholes. And Pisces, too. Don’t fucking tell me I don’t even know you. You like chasing things you can’t have and saving people who are oh so tragic and oh so helpless without you. Why’re you sitting there writing poetry when there’s a war going on, man? You’re romantic cuz you’re a pussy. Cancers…get over your mom. Everybody, together now, “Get over your mom.” You don’t owe that hootch anything.

Leos, I wish your dicks were as big as your egos.

Scorpios, it’s like Sleeping with the Enemy.

Sags–what do you rhyme with?

Caps– zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Libras, you passive muthafuckers, Taurus, I’m talking to you too. Aries, you know how to bang your head against things until you get results. Aquarius, so do you. Sometimes. No wait, not really.

But Geminis, my fellow Geminis…wtf?

i wanted to make a t-shirt that says lesbians love me.

it’s funny cuz it’s true.

but then i was afraid people would get the wrong idea.

how does a society charge up swear words? why is “fuck” a swear word and not “condom.” wait, i think it is sometimes. but why some words over others?

my mom told me that “fore” in cantonese is (phonetically) “fugyiu.” so it sounds like they’re saying fuck you all day at the golf course. and “that” in chinese sounds like “nigga” in english. my friends counted once and i said “nigga” 19 times in a 7 minute phone conversation with my mom while riding bart. first of all, yes, i was that asshole talking in chinese on a cellphone on bart. and yes, i was scared of all the black people in the car for the rest of the ride. but that’s not the point. why do i sound like a sista when i talk to my mom, and how did they charge up that word when heard by english speakers?

it’s gotta be energy. the more energy, emotions, events, memories, etc. are stored in a symbol, be it an object or a word, the more it has weight beyond intellectual communication.