Echo

just because you deny the presence of fear, doesn’t mean you haven’t still given it power over your life.

live outside of your comfort zone.

you just might find that it’ll change your life.

So Brian just got back from Europe and he told me that he and a bunch of coworkers were sitting on a train and there was a lady from Rancho Cucamonga who kept talking to them about everything–politics, Governor Arnold, living in California, etc. At one point, she leaned close to them and said, “I really don’t like Orientals.”

I asked Brian if there were a lot of Asian people on the train which made her bring it up and he said, not really. It was just completely random.

Good to know that we don’t even need to be present to affect people.

If I had no fear, I would go. I would go now. I would explain to work that I need to take a month off, no questions asked, and I don’t know if I’ll be back. Then I would go to wherever it is I should go. I’ve started plans for the first leg. In two weeks. Phoenix. Remember Seattle? It was the best weekend of my life. And you know why? Because I was free. Because no one knew where I was and I was free to be myself without anyone watching.

I would like to do that again. I have someone I trust who will anchor me. I know the rules–watch out for strangers, and be careful of anyone trying to follow you home. Appear to be with a crowd. Beware of who you make eye contact with and keep an eye out for who’s watching you. Play it safe, but take advantage of the opportunities, and most of all, listen to everything.

You do only live once as yourself.

I would love that. To travel this country at whim, and the only way to find me is here.

I had an amazing conversation today with a woman who is very deep and intuitive. I was very honest in discussing my life at this point and the things I was happy about and unhappy about, and she gave some very good insight that really jived with how I feel about my life at this point.

I have deemed this the year of living fearlessly. I want to be able to be truthful with myself about the things I want out of life, the people I want to surround myself with, the experiences I want to collect. I want to explore avenues just because they’re open, and because the open ones are the only ones I should be following at this point in my path.

You want to know what happened that day when my past and future collided into the present and ripped open a psychic portal, and for one small window of time, I was completely conscious? It was like taking a leap off a cliff that day with the expectation that I was solely responsible for figuring out how the hell I was gonna land. Then to my surprise, I found a good friend waiting at the bottom to catch me. And the rest? I wanted to spend time with the friend to show my appreciation, but he seemed really distracted and I felt like there were a lot of other things I wanted to explore and accomplish. So I left, because I didn’t want to sit around while my life passed me by. But it’s okay because even if I see that friend again later, I’ll still be happy to see him.

I am going to travel to somewhere where there’s rain. Warm rain. I don’t mind cold rain, but I think I’m in the mood for some warm rain and catharsis.

If people can tell that a person has a true understanding of love in its deepest sense, they always want to get close to it. If you feel you have that kind of capacity to love others in the deepest sense, you should never allow just anyone into that private space.

Noon on Wednesday? Sure, We Can Start Drinking!

With ambivalence, I have to report that the situation at my workplace continues to deteriorate. Our office has turned into a daycare, as everyone with a daughter brings them in and we have arts and crafts strewn all over our breakroom and bullpen. Yesterday, they closed down our breakroom as they turned it into a makeshift screening room for Cinderella 3. The only way we can get these kids out of the office so we don’t have to hear them screaming, is to convince them to open a little stand on the first floor selling water balloons.

I was by the vending machine earlier today when my coworker brought what looked like a tallboy wrapped tightly in a plastic bag and discreetly slipped it into the back of our fridge. I looked over and he said, “Just hiding my beer.” I said, “Are you serious?” He said, “Dead serious.” I told him I was gonna open it and he said, “Just don’t drink it.” I know he’s joked before that he drinks 2 beers throughout the workday, but I never thought he was serious. Indeed, by mid-afternoon, I noticed the beer was gone.

I still have the little baggie of Xanax he gave me. He said it’s the only way to get through the workday and put up with our boss. I haven’t touched it, but sometimes I wonder…at what point does this place completely lose touch with reality?

Just days ago, I thought it was kind of funny. Now the state of my workplace is kind of freaking me out.

I think tomorrow I’m going to close my office door, and strip down to only my bra and underwear, then work that way until someone finds me. This office desperately needs a cry for help, and I am willing to be the one who makes that sacrafice.

I have been reluctant to bring in any of my writing to my writing class, including not coming to class for 3 weeks. I finally brought in the first 15 pages of my pilot and we did a round table read. As usual, I was listening just to the mistakes and things I wish were stronger, but the instructor said it was great and there were no changes he could think of.

And then I realized why I complain about him and don’t trust him as an instructor. He gives other people notes, but he has never really given me any. He keeps saying that my stuff is great. And I don’t trust that.

Sometimes I don’t understand things. Like not trusting my instructor, for example. Is it because it scares me to think that my writing might be good? Or am I afraid that, if he isn’t successful himself at recognizing good writing, then basically my writing is also mediocre. I think sometimes thoughts are too complex for me, and so I just ignore them.

My burning question of the week has been…is it really possible that people can maliciously manipulate others, just to get them to stay, even if they know that what they are doing can actually destroy these people’s lives? It’s hard for me to accept that people can willingly destroy people that they supposedly love.

I had this dream last week where I got mad at this guy from my writing class, like I finally blew my top and just yelled that I was going to kick his ass and chased him around this park. He tried to run back into my house and close the sliding door, but I got my hand in it and screamed that he wasn’t locking me out of my own fucking house, and to get the fuck out. I realized that I hate cowards.

The coolest thing I’ve been trying to teach my brother is courage. The hardest thing is restraint.

living a fulfilling creative life requires many things. a great love, comes to mind. a burning passion for understanding. a dire unfulfilled spiritual need. a secret drug habit. an unrecovered memory of tragic abuse. or even something small, like a sound or a smell or an image you just can’t get out of your mind. regardless of what you need, creativity is your life force and if you close it off, you suffocate everything within you that is truthful.

as i listen to the people around me, i am afraid of what they are communicating because sometimes i hear too much. so i distance myself, and say things that dictate the conversation in a distracting way. but sometimes i wonder what i would hear if i just listened, and wasn’t so afraid of hearing too much of the inner echoes of the people around me.

i heard a story today about a girl with low self-esteem who gives her body away in hopes that one day, someone will love her. i am convinced that she doesn’t know what love is. and the people who see this weakness in her are compelled to behave in the most cruel fashion possible, as if to punish her for her lack of awareness. i wonder what it is that she represents that terrifies and angers these people so much. maybe we hate weakness and desperation in others because we secretly loathe it in ourselves.

when i think about it, when a person goes through some pretty dark experiences in life, no matter how radiant their personality, the projection never changes the fact that their inner core is still a deeply guarded secret. and from the discipline of having to maintain and protect this secret, a person gains an aura of intensity.

does being around each other make us each more afraid of commitment? i think so.

Spankfest = Morning After of Overwhelming Shame

Well, Spankfest 2007 came and went, carrying with it the rising trend of actual spanks versus the previous mission statement of posing for spanking pictures only, and leaving me a with a sore ass this morning and a black hole where my dignity once was.

Things I learned this year:

1. I have very good alcohol tolerance. After talking for weeks about my low tolerance for alcohol, I discovered that I don’t have a low tolerance as much as the fact that very little alcohol (about 1/4th of a drink) will get me drunk, but after that I can handle my alcohol pretty well. Case in point–2 red bull/vodkas, 6 kamikazes and 1 vodka shot last night. I was still upright and fairly coherent. The key is to stick to the same type of drink. This ranks as the second most alcohol I’ve had in one night. No throwing up, though still drunk the morning after.

2. I am very, very affectionate when I drink. I think that’s my natural state. I like to touch people. It makes me happy.

3. I think my natural disposition is one that is outgoing. At some point in my life, I became shy. I still maintain that I can be shy not from a lack of confidence, but from a lack of trust in others in some situations.

4. I have a designated driver every year, but what I need is an Underwear Exposure Wrangler. I am very, very embarrassed for the number of times I exposed my bare ass and my underwear, particularly on camera. Luckily, the circulating cameras mostly belonged to me, so I have relative control over what is released. Pictures will be destroyed, for sure. I’m pretty pissed at myself for my love of showing off my underwear.

5. Spankfest is my favorite event of the year.

6. I have great friends.

I don’t think you guys fully understand how kooky my office is.

Today I strolled in 10 minutes late, listening to my Ipod. I didn’t take it off for the entire day, outside of unplugging my left earphone so my telephone headpiece could be put on, and when I discovered that it’d be easier to plug my ipod into my computer speakers. Trent Reznor wants to fuck you like an animal? I think everyone in the bullpen wants to hear this one.

The first thing I say to my coworker is, “Holy crap. Whoever invented boxer briefs is a genius.”

He asked me if I was wearing them and he wanted to see so I unbuttoned my pants and showed him. He said, nice. My wife likes those. I told him that if they go to Urban Outfitters, they have some really cute ones with nice designs.

Throughout the morning, we talk about my upcoming birthday party. One coworker says he’s even going to take off his rings when he spanks me, but I might have to sign a waiver. I told him that he was responsible for my other coworker coming, but our other coworker is flaky. We both decided the best way to get him interested in coming was to tell him that my female friends are all models and porn stars, who are slutty and drink way too much. So I did and he said he was definitely in. He asked me if I was serious, and I said, if I’m lying, I’ll let you spank me. My coworker said he was going to spank me anyway, but then he was going to put a size 12 in my ass. My other coworker (who’s black) said, 12?. You don’t wear 12’s. I wear 12’s. I said, “What else is 12?” He got embarrassed, then said, don’t ask questions you aren’t ready to hear the answers to.

At lunch, some coworkers and I had a nice long discussion about birth control pills and its affects on acne and your menstrual cycle as our tech support guy quietly ate his salad.

I walked back from an hour and a half lunch spent at the DMV to find my coworker looking through an issue of Playboy. I asked him if that was the one Amanda Beard was in. He said yeah, and I said that I wanted to see her pictures. So he wants to look through the centerfold first, and he tells me what about her works and what doesn’t turn him on. We both agreed we prefer dark eyes versus blue eyes. We looked at the pictures of Amanda Beard. He said she had a nice butt. I said she’s pretty but she looks like she would be a really mean soccer mom.

After work, in the elevator to the parking garage, I talk with my boss about how it’s going with he and his wife trying to conceive.

Add in the fact that yesterday, we were all talking about if small hands and feet correlated with penis size and my coworker brought up a picture of a huge penis bearing a man that he and his wife had an orgy with over the weekend, I really feel that if this company were ever to create an HR department, we’d probably eat those people alive.

Dear God,
Thank you for June 14th.

Why I like the cold?

For me, it reminds me of discipline.

Whenever I felt that I was weak, I would sit out in the freezing rain, and I would make myself bear it, no matter how cold and uncomfortable it was. It taught me mental toughness and gave me an ability to detach. I learned that you can will yourself to survival.

Ladies and gentlemen.

I have to apologize for the time which I’ve been away.

Blogger ate my archives and my ability to receive comments. It even ate that kitten that pooped little footprints that used to reside to the right over here where that missing graphic is.

But then, I figure everything happens for a reason, so I’ll work around it.

Besides, I went through a little period where I lost my courage in myself, but now I’m back.

In life, I’ve realized it’s about the truth. The truth to be yourself, the truth to love the things you love and the truth of being afraid. The truth of needing people, and the truth of the comforts of being lonely.

I’m sorry for those of you I turned away. I’m scared of connections and I got tired of being open with so many people. But those of you who are still here, thanks for the support. It was just me bending from fear.

I think I could achieve great things, if I were only granted the privacy. If I communicated almost solely with writing.

The most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me was…Julia, you like being meloncholy. It’s a part of who you are and you enjoy it. You need someone who will give you the space to feel that way and to delve into that state.

My greatest fear?

Of being possessed.

Fear (by Sia)

My mother’s afraid of the subway
It’s a living bad dream
I hold her hand as the doors close
And she pales and stifles a scream
Ali’s afraid of Ad-libbing
Of improvising at jams
She is not very happy right now
And spends all her money on grams
Ade is afraid of commitment
So Carla dumped him today
She is very disappointed
She was hoping he’d beg her to stay
Ayo he just wants a girlfriend
He’s afraid of dying alone
He doesn’t go out very much
Sits at home a lot getting stoned

You see fear is only holding us back
Look closely amongst all your peeps
There is usually one thing that keeps
Us off track
It is fear, It is fear, It is fear

Ella is worried about her weight
She won’t eat in public anymore
She is fucking her ex again
When they’ve finished
She sleeps on the floor
Nate has a heart of gold
But give it away he will not
His mother abandoned him at ten
It’s a pain he has never forgot
Mary’s afraid of herself
Her sentences often cut half
She will never give her own opinion
She’s afraid that people might laugh
And I am afraid of sharks
I will not swim out past my head
And sometimes I worry
My boyfriend will die
My first love is already dead

You see fear is only holding us back
Look closely amongst all your peeps
There is usually one thing that keeps
Us off track
It is fear, It is fear, It is fear

You see fear is only holding us back
Look closely amongst all your peeps
There is usually one thing that keeps
Us off track
It is fear, It is fear, It is fear

Candy is having a baby
She fears she will be like her mom
Her friends say relax take a
Deep breath
And march to a different drum
Sachas afraid of her Marco
She think’s that it’s all her fault
But if he did what he does to a
Stranger
He’d be locked up and charged
With assault

You see fear is only holding us back
Look closely amongst all your peeps
There is usually one thing that keeps
Us off track
It is fear, It is fear, It is fear

One of the things I like is that you’re really smart. I am someone who always cared about you. I don’t know why.

Here’s the problem. You don’t like people who are dependent. So you’re afraid of people, but you are also afraid to be okay with your desire to be alone. You said that some people think you’re shy and you said that you’re just quiet sometimes, not shy. I asked you if you were outgoing, and you said at times, and you danced around it a little bit. I think you’re not shy in that you’re not afraid of people. You are just reserved because you don’t want people to get too close.

The funniest thing was the conversation about lab babies. Where the hell did that come from? And were you morally opposed to raising lab babies? And you asked me where I would even get a lab baby. I don’t know. Where the hell do people go to get lab babies?

Karaoke. No. Never. Not me. But we’ll see if you can teach me how to let go.

I think after we talk, I’ll review the conversation and think, what the hell were we talking about?

you think too much and you confuse yourself. who knows what it is. it could also be something very dangerous. my friend knows. she says it’s a dark tunnel i go down. is there a chance there is healing at the end of this tunnel?

do you know why i don’t like burning discs of music for people? it’s like, if someone i knew told me they were interested in learning from the bible, and i gave them photocopies from it.

something very interesting about you. you’re very scared of me, but you’ve also got this incredible courage to get close to me. most men are afraid to get close to me. that makes me very scared of you.

i’m afraid to get close to you. i’m also afraid not to get close to you. i have a feeling that we are both stronger than we lead people to believe. don’t let the weakness of others make you fearful of showing your greatness.

i understand how i process the world now. i am so separated from the inner part of me, that i rely on others to provide me close connections to help me interpret my inner messages and clues. but then what happened was that other people around me started transforming, too.

on april 23rd, i sensed that a big connection was coming. i put it out as much to the universe, as i felt the force of something important on its way. the moment i knew in my heart that i had severed a connection, another one comes in. We’re just vibrating at the same frequency right now. don’t look at this as a regular relationship. this is something completely off the radar.

you’ll have to excuse my behavior lately. i’m kind of overwhelming myself at this time. i read this stuff and i get scared about where it comes from.

these forces are always disruptive.

do you know why chinese women value soft hands? because it’s the sign of someone who is sensitive and submissive.

it’s all code. everything that people say and do, it’s all a code, a secret language you can learn to pick up if you listen carefully. are you kidding? you all act like i’m the one who’s different when you can all do it, you’re just scared. the cussing? i don’t know. i like to do it because it helps me express my passion. otherwise, i would be jumping around trying to shake people.

he is more dangerous to you. he warned you today. there is a big barrier. you are dangerous to me so i can show this to you, but you have to promise not to try to hurt me.

you know why i’m so happy lately? because i was faced with making the biggest mistake of my life, and i chose to take care of myself despite what anyone else felt or said. it’s because i survived.

your issues can drown you. you have to show that you have the will to survive. once you prove that to yourself, it’s a resurrection. all of us who live drowning below the surface…just try.

your problem, and you will see, is that i’m an independent spirit that you can’t hang on to. i can play either role. i can need you more or i can need your less. but at some point, wouldn’t we all like some balance?

do you have faith in that such a thing as balance really exists?

by the way, our issues make us repellent of one another. that’s what’s so intriguing. we are both not comfortable having people get too close to us. i have a feeling being around me is as scary for you as being around you is for me. but maybe people in this life are willing to find out despite the fear.

he spent his lifetime building long, meticulously constructed wooden fences to protect the most beautiful, pristine house anyone had ever seen, had anyone known about its existence. after years and years of brutal work and toil in places so far away, when he returned from his fence-building to the beautiful house he had devoted a lifetime to protecting, he found the lights off and an empty aura in the yard. he was suddenly struck by terror– what if there was no longer anything beautiful left in the house at all?

Sometimes, things just happen. Sometimes, you don’t understand them, but you know that it’s important. Sometimes you get scared. Sometimes everything in your body hurts. Sometimes the echoes are lonely. Sometimes the ache of that loneliness is the only thing that reminds you that you are alive. Sometimes you love so much it hurts. And the people that you give yourself to never understand the value of this sacrafice.

Sometimes you realize what really hurts is how little you understand yourself. So you spend your life searching for a glimpse of who you are in the eyes of others.

Sometimes I get scared. Sometimes I get scared when people get too close to me. Sometimes it hurts so much, that my hands hurt those who come too close. Razor hands. You’ll always find the ones who are just like you.

This is my inaugural post since I switched my blog over to a more private location. It got scary for a while…my not feeling like I could say anything honest because I was scared that it would affect my non-blogging life…my friendships, my relationships. And now, freedom. This has been one of the best weeks of my life, knowing that I have done things, the right things, that were in my best interest.

I was in a great relationship for two years, and I think the bottom line was that I was in a relationship with a wonderful person, my best friend and someone whom I hope to be close friends with for the rest of my life, but it wasn’t the right relationship for me. I didn’t feel that passion for the person as a partner and a lover, and it was something that ate at me all the time, the guilt that I just couldn’t find it in me to want that person in that way. It hurt his self-esteem as well, that I may not be attracted to him or appreciate his looks when in truth, he was a beautiful man. But I there was a part of our connection that wasn’t there.

I think I always knew. It’s not like things had suddenly changed and I was suddenly wondering why I had lost the feeling. I think I wanted to create that feeling, but after a while, I could either deny the fact it wasn’t there, or face it to be fair to both of us.

Sometimes I would get scared because I knew that he would be an amazing partner and husband to someone else, and I didn’t know why he couldn’t be that for me. I think I was being selfish by being afraid to give him up. But ultimately, I didn’t make him happy, no matter how much he thought so. I think we made each other happy in many ways, but so sad in others. I love him and hope that his dreams come true.

I remember the day, when I woke up and I knew it was the right decision. I had locked him out of our room and ignored his knocks to come in because I wanted to be alone. I had bought a brand new journal, a clean journal, and I started to write in stream of consciousness. Sometimes this is the easiest way for me to communicate with myself…I let myself flow and then as I read what I write, I start to understand. Because if I’m flowing well, what I write is the truth.

Watching a relationship fall apart is like falling in slow motion. You know it’s happening but you try not to pay attention or admit it, as if that will make the pain of the fall less real. Why do people stay, then? Fear. They are afraid to let go of a collective past. More so than fear of the unknown? You are always going to be afraid to let go of anything you know to be safe. Because once you realize what safe is, you realize how much is not safe in this world. You can spend a lifetime collecting things, or you can spend a lifetime collecting ideas. Both can be equally worthless. There is a lot of pain in this world; it’s like we brought it with us when we showed up. I’m looking for a master. There is something that is bothering me and I don’t know what it is. You are not being able to convincingly argue things because you aren’t talking about the core issue. The core issue is that you are not happy. YOU ARE NOT HAPPY. You can dance around it, slice and dice it, try to give it different names and reasons, but the face does not change. Could you be happier somewhere else? Without certain things in your life? Problem solve. Physical pain is hard for you psychologically. On the other hand, physical pain can also be a symptom of psychological pain. Your body is getting stronger. Your mind is getting stronger. Your psyche is getting more active. You are starting to get deep into the lights and the darks. We have to live equally in the light and the dark. That’s a fact. That is something that can’t be changed, only denied or deferred. I am tired of not having my own domain, tired of taking care of someone else. I am selfish now. I no longer want anyting to do with what is altruistic or kind. I only want self-survival which involves finding out what is important to me, no matter how noble or disgusting. I want my own space, to not be invaded in my own space. This is mine. I want for no one to tell me what to do anymore. I want to be an island unto myself, and choose the diplomatic terms with which I will operate. Big cities bring city problems. The psyche gets wounded in different ways out here. You have to figure out what you want to do and the master will appear. Master. Peer. I would like either. I need someone to talk to. I understand that I have to be ready, so I will try to process my thoughts so that my though process is less inhibited. I would also like more mental courage.

He came into the room, unlocking the door from the outside. I became very angry, though I never looked up from my journal or stopped writing.

I would like for my personal space to not be invaded. I get very angry when I can’t have my own safe place. I am angry right now because you think you have a right to my space. This is a betrayal to me. This is something that will make me look at you as though you are the enemy. Right now, my space is threatened and I am not looking at it happily. If you do not leave, I will force you out. I think it’s over. I really think it’s over. I just can’t live a lie anymore. I don’t even know what the lie is, I just don’t feel like this is truthful. You want to be angry at me, be angry. Let him be angry. And sad. And hurt. You will be as well. Let him feel all the things he needs to feel. And then let him go. It is up to the stronger person to say that this is not it. Do you ever feel like there are two people inside of you, someone who is young and learning, and someone who is old and wise, but can’t remember? When the younger one hurts, the older one leads. When the older one hurts, the entire system goes into dispair. When my older one hurts, I need a master. I need someone from the universe to answer questions. Truthfully, I always had to answer them myself or wait until I forget my questions. I never really got an answer back.

When I woke up the next morning, I knew. I felt free, because I knew that I knew what was right, and I knew that I had the courage to make the right decision. I went to work to mail some bills and then to Starbuck’s to write, and I just felt lighter. I was scared though, because there was still a part of me that was scared that I was making the wrong decision, that maybe this was an act of self-sabotage. It didn’t feel like it though. It felt different. I re-read what I had written the night before, and I felt confident. I wanted to tell someone though, to hear this decision outside of my head. So I called Sareet, and as I was leaving a message for her, a man that had once been significant but whom I had forgotten walked into the restaurant next door.

Who is he? I don’t know. I know who he is, but I don’t know who he is to me. All I know is that in the two years of my committed relationship in which I would have done anything for it to work out, there was only one person that I was attracted to, so much so that I had to leave treatment with him in order for me to give my best effort to work out my relationship. He always intrigued me…the hands of a healer, but some kind of block that prevented his hands from being connected to his heart. I used to watch him, wonder where he was because sometimes he was there, and sometimes he was so far away. There was something very warm and soothing about his energy though. I think my boyfriend picked up on it because he started showing up to my sessions. I had to leave. I believe I spun a very convoluted, slightly angry story about why I was leaving. It was a very difficult time, emotionally.

So of all days, after having not seen him in over a year, he shows up. As he ate inside, I contemplated if I would say anything. I watched him leave and I struggled, and a part of me yelled his name. I went to shake his hand and to my surprise, he gave me a hug. We talked and I was relieved when I asked him if he wanted to sit down and he did. We talked for
a few hours and it was good. He asked when I was usually there, and I was glad that it meant that he might want to see me again.

What does this mean? I don’t know. My life has always operated by fate and coincidence, so maybe this is a moment of comfort and companionship, a rest stop… maybe this is another soul connection that will lead me to the next step of my journey, and hopefully him to his next step.

All I know is that it is a wonderful feeling, because my creativity is back, and I’m excited about what is around the corner for me. I have been praying for a deeper soul who has courage and can help me with some understanding.

I showed him the safe place that I had created, the condo I had remodeled. He said if his circumstances were different, he could see himself living in a place like this. That made me feel good because it means he feels safe there. He’s very guarded in some sense because he has experienced a lot of hurt in his life. The color black seems to have significance to him. Sometimes I want to hug him and put my head on his shoulder.

I had a dream last night where we were taking a walk, and I felt safe with him. So I asked him if I could hold his hand. He said yes and it was a beautiful feeling. I gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead, and in all, I was very content and peaceful. It was a great dream, the kind that made me feel good when I woke up.

Who knows, because a lot can interfere with a core connection–environment, circumstances, ego incompatibility, etc. But for now, it feels really good to have him in my life again.