I have been reluctant to bring in any of my writing to my writing class, including not coming to class for 3 weeks. I finally brought in the first 15 pages of my pilot and we did a round table read. As usual, I was listening just to the mistakes and things I wish were stronger, but the instructor said it was great and there were no changes he could think of.
And then I realized why I complain about him and don’t trust him as an instructor. He gives other people notes, but he has never really given me any. He keeps saying that my stuff is great. And I don’t trust that.
Sometimes I don’t understand things. Like not trusting my instructor, for example. Is it because it scares me to think that my writing might be good? Or am I afraid that, if he isn’t successful himself at recognizing good writing, then basically my writing is also mediocre. I think sometimes thoughts are too complex for me, and so I just ignore them.
My burning question of the week has been…is it really possible that people can maliciously manipulate others, just to get them to stay, even if they know that what they are doing can actually destroy these people’s lives? It’s hard for me to accept that people can willingly destroy people that they supposedly love.
I had this dream last week where I got mad at this guy from my writing class, like I finally blew my top and just yelled that I was going to kick his ass and chased him around this park. He tried to run back into my house and close the sliding door, but I got my hand in it and screamed that he wasn’t locking me out of my own fucking house, and to get the fuck out. I realized that I hate cowards.
The coolest thing I’ve been trying to teach my brother is courage. The hardest thing is restraint.