Echo

Sometimes I don’t acknowledge people when they say nice things or when they extend an act of kindness. Because I’m afraid that I’ll open my mouth to speak but instead, floodgates will open, and I’ll start crying from sheer gratitude and amazement, and that will scare people away from ever being nice again.

Mirrors

When we go through life, everyone we’ve ever met and will ever meet will serve not only as a companion and a facilitator/player in our life lessons, but as mirrors. We learn who we are by looking into another person and recognizing their similarities and differences from our own, observations which we absorb and process for use within self-evolution and growth. When we find ourselves attracting the same kinds of people, there is a reason, something reflected that we need to be seeing but we just can’t seem to grasp until finally, the day we do, we stop needing to attract those people into our lives (or if they are necessary mentor reflections, we learn to appreciate them).

My own process has revolved around the issue of conditional and unconditional love. I have a hard time recognizing love and positive regard as entities existing in a present form. If a person gets too close to me, I start worrying about what is love and what will be the conditions placed upon it. I can look at a person and say, okay, I know he used to like me, because he gave me a hug yesterday, but maybe he doesn’t like me anymore. Maybe in the time between the last sign I got that he liked and respected me, I did something to make him lose that respect. I’ll know how silly this sounds in my head and laugh it off, but it makes me resistant to moving forward. It makes me prefer to keep people at a distance, because my brain thinks, if our relationship is casual, they won’t expect too much out of me and thus, they are less likely to be disappointed and to use that as a reason to turn away.

Yet, in my own dealings with people, this issue has made what I give people unconditional, sometimes to a fault. Acceptance of people and their uniqueness, their quirks, their flaws–everything is to be equally loved, appreciated and cherished, and mistakes are mandatorily forgiven because it’s the intention that counts.

Bugs Butt made a very interesting comment a few days ago that I’ve thought a lot about, how he finds that people with trust issues are the most trustworthy. It seems that by almost a rule of human nature, once someone has experienced something that has caused them a great deal of pain, it rises to the forefront of their consciousness–either they stay oppressed by the experience and are driven to inflict the same hurt on others, or they grow beyond the experience and become acutely aware of never wanting to be the cause of the same hurt to others. Often, they will go out of their way to protect others from this pain.

I’ve talked to many counselors who always said to me, you need to treat yourself as well as you treat other people. But what if it doesn’t come down to me treating myself as well as I treat other people? What if I do that already? The problem seems to be my trust in other people. Even if I could give myself unconditional love and positive regard, I would become a self-sufficient, independent being, because my distrust for the unconditionality of others would keep me separated from an external emotional/psychological network.

I happened to be thinking about all this this morning, when my mom IM’d me:

Mom says:
I talked to Sara, Michael’s therapist at school. I mentioned about your father, you and Michael
Julia says:
ok
Mom says:
I mentioned about how when daddy was upset about something, he would refuse to talk to you and Michael. She immediately said, Love should not be conditional, only unconditional love will provide children the “safety”.
Julia says:
yes, that’s what my therapist said too
Julia says:
i feel that all love outside of you or Michael is conditional. I don’t trust when people act like it’s not.
Mom says:
Kids must know, if they mess up, parents will still love them.
Mom says:
Immediately, she continued, “Your daughter is going to find a man, an image to the father… Does [your husband] want her to be treated this way by her husband?
Mom says:
I asked her to talk to your Dad, she said she would.
Julia says:
when?
Mom says:
Dad was the one who went to school to see her periodically. So he would go for next appointment.
Mom says:
I also told her that, your Dad has never had any one who gave him “unconditioned love.”. So, he did not know what that was. He has no one would love him even if he messed up.
Julia says:
yes
Julia says:
i won’t find someone like dad
Julia says:
i was doing it for a while
Julia says:
but it was too fucked up
Julia says:
those guys are such assholes
Julia says:
so now i’m conscious
Julia says:
but i won’t date. not until i’m sure about the nature of that person.
Mom says:
Good. But, remember, Mom will always love you and Michael, regardless what mistake you would make, and how messed up you could be. It’s unconditional love.
Julia says:
yes, thank god i have you guys
Julia says:
I know someone who had a father who was absent. so i had a father who was dangerous to me (always changing so I had to be careful to read him or get hurt). so i am a fighter, always prepared to defend. i am always looking for danger i may need to fight before it can hurt me or see it so i can avoid it if possible. my friend is very gentle, kind but soft inside. he’s not as defensive fight or flight, but is a little shy about asserting himself emotionally. It’s interesting how having a volatile father versus no father creates different results.
Mom says:
My grandma gave me unconditional love. She is a person with very kind heart (soft), and very brave. She is not educated at all (no school). She was an orphan, and she took care of her sister. She married twice and both husband died earlier. But she was a woman of love. She spoiled my father, who unbelievably screwed up his life with gambling. Yet, my grandma still did everything for him.
Mom says:
When he got into his legal problem, her hair turned white overnight. I was sleeping next to her every night, I heard her sigh, her turning over on Tatami (japanese bed). Yet, she still loved my father. and she loved the grand children.
Julia says:
yes. thank god for her. at least people who have a good influence of unconditional love somewhere have a chance of surviving. those who dont’ have any examples growing up will never know what it is and will struggle becoming complete.
Mom says:
I would scream and yell, telling her that her cooking was horrible, and I refused to eat. She would give me money to let me go out to eat. When we went to restaurant to have “won ton”, she always told me she was not hungry. So, I turned out to be the only one eating. (Actually it was because she did not have money to pay for both of us to eat)
Mom says:
You were taken care by her twice in your babyhood. She came to the U.S. twice. But, I did not take too much care of her because I was busy. I hope she would forgive me.
Mom says:
She died 21 years ago, but every time I thought about her, I am still in tears (I have to stop now, people may walk into my office).
Julia says:
love doesn’t count things–how much you give, how much you get. i think she was happy to see you happy , just as you are happy to see michael and i happy
Julia says:
that is enough
Mom says:
So, I know what unconditional love is. That’s why I have someone to compare. (But Dad did not. So, he was wonder
ing, he is much more responsible than his daddy, why no one appreciates him. He did not know that “conditional love” was upsetting sometimes more than “no love,” since you would not expect at all from the latter.
Mom says:
At any rate, we both fully understand where it came from. So, I am glad that you would know what that is. Nothing about you and Michael have done, it’s all himself.
Mom says:
True love will come. You will know when you meet him. Date if for fun. When true love comes, you will automatically be serious.
Julia says:
ok
Mom says:
I wish I had a friend like you when I was young. May be I would do a lot more things better, and my thinking would be much more clear.
Julia says:
sometimes it takes time and life experience to see things, not just the right people. People just serve as mirrors to help you understand yourself and your life, all in due time.

Did I do it on purpose?, she asked herself. And as it always had, the answer came back, I don’t know.

Ice Cream

I want to open a high concept ice cream parlor, “high concept” in the sense that Coldstone’s is high concept. The concept is unique, the overhead is fairly low, and the end goal is not to own and self-manage a store and keep it running for long-term profits, but to create a marketing concept and sell off the entire franchise within 5-6 years. The business plan is: 1. Establish market share. 2. Distribution of brand products. 3. Franchising.

I have no experience in this industry, no business degree, and other than a background in marketing and an innate workaholicism, I’m pretty much just a person with a lightbulb over her head. I have paranoidly kept this idea a secret for years but I would really, like to have a place like this to go to!

So stay tuned…

Whoa!

Check out this astrology trend for me that started on February 22nd, the DAY after I wrote that post about my dad and came back and realized that my life had just been given a new beginning:

Positive reforms

Valid during many months: This is a time of new awakening to a sense of what your life is about. Before this time you have been working to establish your sense of who you are in the community of adults, and by now you probably have a pretty clear idea about that. But you may also have discovered that what you are doing with your life is not entirely appropriate. You may conclude that in the past you were motivated by too narrow a conception of what you are, by a need for security, or simply by petty ego-drives. Now you will begin to see your life in terms of a larger perspective. You should do whatever is necessary to make sure that you can live according to this new understanding.

This influence does not arouse your sense of idealism particularly, but it does make you see that the universe is a very large place, and you are a much larger part of it than you have realized.
You may be attracted to rather mystical ideas, but they will have meaning only according to how they affect your everyday world. At this time you don’t need more abstractions to chase around ­ you need to make positive reforms in your life. And you will do so!

This influence will cause you to cut away your past and reorient your life in accordance with the larger vision you have now. The many changes that occur may seem somewhat scary, but they are ultimately for the best. You will find new freedom in a new consciousness.

Neptune Sextile Neptune
activity period from 22 February 2005 until middle of December 2006

I just got to the episode where Tony shows up to help Jack and they go back to his place. Jack expositions that Tony’s become an alcoholic since going to prison, getting pardoned, being left by his wife, etc. Then Tony gets a beer, pours it into a coffee mug (his ever-present Cubs mug) and with the bottle in one hand, drinks the beer from the mug with the other.

I couldn’t stop cracking up.

I asked Reggie who was watching it with me, “Why’s he drinking his beer from a coffee mug?”

He said, “Because he’s Tony.”

And that pretty much made sense. I’m so glad Tony’s back. I think if Carlos Bernard had complete freedom with the character, Tony would be a riveting oddball.

And Tony’s gut this year…good Lord. Is he hanging it out on purpose to emphasize how he’s let himself go? It’s so prominently featured, it’s like his trusty sidekick.

Lastly, have any of you noticed how Jack and Tony are like the Siegfried and Roy of kickass? They’re the greatest love story never told.

I’m so glad Tony’s back.

Random Oscars Thoughts

I have a superpower. It’s called, The Ability To Consistently Not See Any Best Picture Nominees.

Now I see a good 30-40 movies in the theaters each year. Considering that out here in LA, buzz travels quickly and you get a good read on what movies are contenders for the Big O and which ones are gunning for it; I try to ride that buzz and see the movies that have a chance. But yet, every year, I manage to see every other movie except any of the nominees for Best Picture. The Titanics, Lord of the Rings and Million Dollar Baby’s of the world…I’m sorry I missed you. I was spending money on the likes of The Other Sister, Johnny English and Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (yes, I believed all of these were contenders). Chicago? I hate musicals. English Patient? You looked boring. Braveheart? Heard you were 3 hours long.

So this year, I tried to at least see one of the nominees so I could somewhat weigh in on Oscar night. I wanted to see Million Dollar Baby, but opted for The Aviator, which, let me tell you, is the WORST choice of a movie to see at 10pm on a Friday while running on a sleep deficit. It was gorgeous, the acting was great, and the subject matter was quirky. But I couldn’t tell if it was my being so tired that made me think it was an hour too long, or if it was in fact, really boring in parts.

So based on word of mouth and my own experience of The Aviator, it sounded like Million Dollar Baby was the best of the bunch, though many felt that the academy owed it to Scorsese, making him a shoo-in for winning. And then he gets shafted again.

This is what I think, Martin Scorsese, director of such film school staples as Raging Bull, Taxi Driver and Good Fellas. For your next project:

Shit in a paper bag and put it on a three-legged hot-pink Formica kitchen table, next to a mechanical toy monkey clapping his cymbals and a framed signed headshot of The Snapple Lady. Set up a stationary camera and film it continuously for six hours. In the final 2 minutes, set it on fire as Pauly Shore, the fat girl from Wilson Phillips and a naked Matthew McConaughey con bongo drums dance around the table. Maybe even throw in the Taco Bell chihuahua wearing a southern belle outfit. Have a soundtrack of a children’s choir chanting, I don’t want no coconuts, coconuts are hair-y, I don’t want no coconuts, coconuts are hair-y… over and over getting progressively louder until you smash cut to black, fading back in on a hand-scrawled, used napkin reading, “Fin…a film by Martin Scorsese.”

Trust me. You’re gonna win it all next year.

Lastly, Clive Owen didn’t win. I’m beyond upset.

100 Years

I just wanted to point out that even though this book was published 108 years ago, we really aren’t that far removed from the sentiment presented in this book. Think about it…since 1897, this world has seen the advent of cars, airplanes, television, radio, travel into space, internet, nuclear power, etc. So many advances packed into the last 100 years. And yet, the 19th Amendment allowing women the right to vote was only passed in 1920, within most of our grandparents’ lifetimes . Segregation within the United States officially ended in 1954, within most of our parents’ lifetime. In 2005, gays still do NOT have the legal right to marriage. So really, are we that evolved from where we were in 1897, when it not only okay to sing a nursery rhyme titled “Ten Little Niggers,” but to also caricature them as apes and promote the product for mass consumption? Are we really that far away from publically ridiculing and bastardizing a minority as long as the majority who has the loudest voice deems it acceptable?

If You Didn’t Get the Chance to Be Offended Before…

I’ve added the photos for a version of the book I found on Ebay. The book was called “Ten Little Niggers” and was originally published by McLoughlin Bros, New York, in 1897. The version I had found yesterday made the men look like apes and had sheet music for this song…it was by far more offensive and infuriating. Apparently, this was a very popular nursery rhyme at the the time. Yet another example of how ignorant white people can be such assholes.

WOW.

What I found the most interesting was that there’s sheet music that goes with it.

I have not visited He Looks Like in almost two weeks, let alone posted any new pictures. I have developed an A-V-E-R-S-I-O-N. This could turn into a problem. I think it stems from me being pissed at this guy for agreeing to let me use his photo, then backpedaling by criticizing the photo release and acting like I was some sleazy swindler, though I’m not acutely upset over this so it just feels like a general anxiety when I think about that site. In general, I have to learn to not be so sensitive.

*****
I’ve spent most of this week analyzing the Upright Citizens Brigade’s Season 1 DVD. The first half of the season was horrendous but the second half got really good. It seemed like Comedy Central started giving them more freedom, or they got more comfortable taking risks. Particularly brilliant was this piece called Albert Einstein’s Audio Journal. It was broken up into three pieces interwoven between pieces of other vignettes, but the first one was priceless. Here’s the transcript of Al’s narration, a voice-over accompanied by images of Albert idling around his house.

“December 16th, 1921. Last night I was honored with the Nobel Prize in theoretical physics. This worldwide recognition has given me the opportunity to bring hope to a war-ravaged world. I vowed to myself I would work like a dog at this. And now…it’s 10:30 in the morning and I’m just getting out of bed. I did get up early at 8am, but I just lied in bed for a while then…jerked off. “

[pounds leg apathetically with fist]

“Got to stop masturbating. Makes me toooooo lazy. Stop it, Albert…………..stop it.”

*****
Also, don’t miss Andy Richter’s cameo is Hansel of Hansel & Gretal. The pair enlists in the help of fairy-tale creatures to take care of a “mess,” a la Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction. Apparently, Gretal just wanted to push her into the oven, but then Hansel went crazy with the cookie cutter. Fucking twisted.

I saw the Upright Citizens Brigade perform in New York in 1999. They did improv and Rachel Dratch and Horatio Sanz were part of the cast that night. It was awesome…I love improv anyway and am always going to the Groundlings’ shows, but I just remember Rachel Dratch being the funniest looking person I’ve ever seen, but she was hilarious as this nasty old man who used to be the “make out king” in high school. I can’t tell you how pleased I am that she ended up on SNL.

I love SNL. Good or bad, I love it. It was single-handedly the biggest influence that got me into writing.

*****
I’ve got to film something. I’m going crazy with the itch. I’m talking to Reggie and he’s getting ready to shoot his film in July and he’s telling me I need to get back into production and it’s driving me crazy, the craving. When you get a full-time job, you really get addicted to that security and stability. Once I finish my current writing projects, that’s next on my agenda. The only thing is the organization. I don’t want to produce my own projects anymore because it’s just too hard to concentrate on all the practical aspects of production along with directing and I want to do a project where for once, I have the luxury of concentrating on just directing. I’m going to try to convince Reggie to produce. The guy makes things happen.

*****
Darius Songaila posts a career-high 23 points and a season-high 12 rebounds tonight. And who was the only fantasy team out of the thousands of teams on espn who added him for tonight’s game? Yup, that’s right. Team Gonads and Strife. I may be the queen geek of sports geeks, but don’t say I don’t know my basketball.

Everyone’s talking about how messed up this trade was on Sac’s side. But by trading a cancer for three role players, you’re about to see Sac turn into a T-E-A-M again.

This is one of the best descriptions of a person I’ve ever read.

Regarding Robert “Tractor” Traylor, former Michigan alumnus and current NBA player:

[A] 284-pound human square with the perpetual expression of a man who just found a parking ticket on his windshield.

–Ric Bucher

For full article about the underappreciated in the NBA

Oh yeah, your moment of zen…