Echo

This girl on this Taiwanese tv show just pulled a guy out of a house and said completely incredulously, “Your house is a mess! Are you trying to torture people?” And he stood there like a stoic little boy trying to hold back tears for being busted. It was actually hilarious. It made me wonder if she just walked into a really messy pig house or some super twisted thing happened at the family dinner table.

The thing about Scorpio anything is that they’re either really primitive or really brilliant. They show flashes of both with determined extreme. I wouldn’t count on them to unravel the mysteries of the world. They would just withhold it to use it to their advantage. They tend to be good in bed but you will pay a price. But they’re good at handling transactions with such dexterity you often don’t realize what you paid until it’s too late if at all.

Whit, I was in your neck of hometown woods and tried to order a blueberry Italian soda. Life has not been what it seemed lately and I needed to know if it was tasting like milk again. But they didn’t have it. I am enjoying the depths. I get the eagle and the dragon. So fucked up what they did to Pluto. It’s been like becoming a chameleon. If I change myself to dark and stand in a corner for a while, I see shadows come to life.

Alright, let myself have 2 days to verbally burn off my excess fire and now it’s time to shut up and move on. Damien Rice and Lisa Hannigan have been warning about volcanos for years now. That has to be the most quoted song on here.

Business Class on Eva Air is no joke. Except the chair turns into this upward sloping stretcher in sleep mode which is a little like standing up.

SFO is beautiful to fly in and out of. We flew out at dusk, my favorite time of day. It’s my sunrise. Take off was beautiful. Aviation. What a miracle. As we were pulling onto the runway, I caught a jumbo taking off in the opposite direction. With its lights against the mountains in twilight, it looked like a spacecraft. It made me proud of humankind. By the way, if you had a film camera, you would be the only one able to capture San Francisco and the breathtaking Pacific Coast at magic hour during take off. Some things still have a worthwhile function.

I wonder if there is a correlation between children who have ridden in planes a lot and creativity. When you’ve seen the world you know turned into a living organism made of insects, you have perspective of things. From the ground looking up at the cities and their towering structures, we see how big we can be. From a height looking down, we see how incredibly small we are. We are so many things. Simultaneously. We are so many things in possibility. Your own personal world can be giant, but what of the giant world of civilizations and nations, which are just as real? Perhaps if there are so many ways of looking at very real things, we can decide what is real.

That’s the thing about creatives. We believe we can create. Not all creatives are artists. We are merely predisposed to artistic talents and interests. Wherever our interests lay, wherever our hearts and souls attach, we try to bring into the world what we imagine could be here within the realm of possibility. Heaven and hell, changes of weather, material gain. Power. Love. Healing. Or even the smallest blossoming of wonder when one is most needed. Creatives turn belief and vision into reality. They move things between two complementary but very distant worlds. But it all starts with an idea that what’s real is malleable. That maybe what’s real lies within how you look at things. When I’ve seen ants organize scavenging expeditions and risk death to reclaim their dead. When I’ve seen cities look like distant constellations from high above in the night sky. When I’ve looked someone in the eye and said, I think I know you because you were in my dream last night. And none of that changes what’s real. What’s real is everything you make it.

What’s interesting was last year I looked forward and saw I wouldn’t be in a partnership until August. I thought this thing came out of the blue and changed things, but disqualified itself just as quickly. So it looks like it’s still August. Maybe this was a test to make sure I deserve August. I hope so. “It’s either you or the guy behind you.” i wrote that last year. Please be a good one, August. I’ve been waiting a long time.

I really don’t want to talk about it anymore. I think the thing that really inflames me is how everything now falls under the shadow of doubt. Everything he ever said, everything he ever did, I can’t believe anything when he’s been looking me in the eye this whole time, wanting and allowing me to believe he was this open, honest guy, when he’s been hiding this the whole time. Makes me wonder what else he hides. What was actually real. Who the fuck is he. Even the smallest thing sets my insides off again, like how he told me he had shaved his beard so maybe a part of him knew I was coming in. Now I think he shaved it for Sandi. Makes me wonder what else he planned, or would have “let happen.” That explains why he looked so stricken when I surprised him. Maybe it was guilt. Rie told me she thinks they’re still fucking. She said maybe he wanted to take a break because he found something shinier, but it was only a matter of time if he was supposedly so into me but still seeing her nearly everyday. He invited her into his bedroom on a Friday night to “watch a movie.” While I was supposed to be out of town. That hardly sounds like a man setting boundaries. It sounds like a man trying to get his cake and eat it, too. And his MSG that just said she left later than expected when he was supposed to call. His excuse was that he didn’t want me to think she spent the night. Instead it begged the question, what do you mean she left later than expected? And why would I think you would let her spend the night unless the danger had been there? Rie told me, it only takes an hour to fuck. And the truth is, a guy who can hide things from you, what about him or what he says can you really believe? You don’t really know him. All you had was faith and now you know you don’t even have that. Everything is questionable.

That’s been the worst part. Not knowing what else was lies, manipulation. Even if everything was true except his hiding this one thing, I don’t have a bridge of trust to fall back on. It’s gone. All I have is the fact that he hid this from me, he had a simultaneous relationship going on while looking me in the eye and presenting himself as honorable and dependable. A week ago, I would have said the one thing I didn’t doubt was his integrity. His sincerity. But now those are exactly what this situation jeopardized. You break someone’s trust, how can they ever believe you again? You’ve been deceptive once. It is now within the realm of possibility that you’re capable if it at will.

I was thinking about how when you read people’s dating ads, they always say they don’t want drama. I think people may not always want drama, but they invite it. Maturity has to do with making a conscious decision not to allow it in, whether looking for it or letting it in. People can say they don’t want drama, but are they in a place in their life where they can live without it? I don’t want drama. I’ve had enough. I don’t mind it outside, but when I come home, I want to create a safe, caring environment for my loved one, and for him to do the same. I want home to be safe. Dependable. Something I can always count on. It seems like common sense but not everyone wants the same thing. I have to find someone who wants the same thing, and has the character and maturity to help me create it.

I’m the kind of person who likes being in a partnership. In fact, that’s the state that brings out the best in me. I need a certain amount of space to myself, but l like doing things together, Both big and small. I like having someone to share life experiences and moments with. I like pal-ing around. But I don’t need a partnership to function if a good one doesn’t exist. I know I thrive in a partnership but I can survive on my own. I know I’m not afraid to be alone because I like myself, learned to like and accept myself. Just would prefer to have a good partner if one is available. I don’t really trust people who cant be alone. I’m not saying people who can’t be alone are bad people. Just makes you wonder why they can’t be alone.

My great aunt told me at lunch all men are unfaithful and women just have to deal with it. You’re too strong for them, she said. Only the weak ones, I said. And they’re not worth my time anyway.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

To balance out the dark energy I have reached out to Parkson positively and bridged the past. I can’t even remember anymore why I got mad at him in the first place. Perhaps it is a sacrifice.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Just caught one. Looked like a few of the boys I’ve recently met in one. I looked surprised. It made him double take. Caught him looking at me as I tried to look at him. Buzzed head. Bull shoulders. Looked away. But noted. This is a long flight.

Michael can’t find his passport. Gets anxious. I go out to help him. I’d made sure to watch where he’d put it. Check your backpack, I say. He opens a zipper. Could it be here?, he said, and found it. His relief is almost comical. He threw his hands in the air. “My passport was hiding from me!”
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

First thing I’m gonna do is get a camera in taipei. My first Asian. Then I’m gonna break him in.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

All’s good in the hood.

I’m in the Evergreen Lounge at San Francisco Airport. My brother and I on the loose. He’s already asked an attendant to make him some soup. Michael has an incredible way of getting what he wants.

I’ve discovered there is something definitely over Fremont. A general unconsciousness. The sky gets a little too close sometimes.

The minute I got safely out, I relaxed. Can look at it with objectivity. The question now is not IF there is something there. It’s a strong force. It’s if I can withstand it and do what I need to do. Or is it to not go back at all? Is this my 2nd chance to apply to the University of Hawaii?

Taiwan is tropical storms. The most powerful moments come in my life while standing under the rain, asking giant questions. There are things I need to know.

I’m using several anchors now. Thank you very much, Cecilia and Sebastian from Mexico. You give me faith in kindness, and it’s what I need.

Do not be surprised at how quickly I disappear.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

If you ask me, the bridge was 2 degrees short, but I still believed it could be bridged and was looking for a way. But at the end of the day it didn’t matter because it was booby-trapped with explosives even before I got there. That might have been worth mentioning if he wasn’t so busy thinking about wanting to do the right thing instead of actually doing it. It’s almost like he needed me to be on the bridge in order to detonate. He used me. Even if he didn’t do it consciously. But he let himself do it. Same thing.

If you admit to a guy that you’ve cried over the relationship and his first thought is he’s flattered because you care, throw down a red flag. He doesn’t even have to say anything–watch his face; it’ll tell you everything. You are basically admitting pain and rather than be concerned for your welfare, his instinct is what it means for him. This is a man who will forever put himself before other people. It’s almost more respectable when a man is selfish and can consciously admit it. It’s exponentially worse when a man goes out of his way to see himself as self-sacrificing to a fault, when really it’s all about him and his internal drama. I never trust people who go too far out of their way acting like they do everything for other people. This means this person either has no healthy boundaries, or he’s lying to cover up that everything he does is really motivated by his own feelings and needs.

I can not believe this is what you decided to do with me.

I don’t, in a million years, believe that you’re naive.

And then I smiled up to the sky, looked at the stars and said, let’s touch the -ian’s!

One of the things that makes me furious is how someone can think “wanting” to be honest is the same as being honest. If the words didn’t come out of your mouth willingly, if you didn’t make a CHOICE to put your honesty into words and action, then trying to pass off wanting to do the right thing for doing the right thing and expecting credit is just plain cowardly. And to keep hiding behind the excuse that you wanted to to be honest and “planned” for it and therefore I have no right to be angry for having gotten hurt is manipulative. You’re taking advantage of my trust.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Maybe you weren’t “fucking” her anymore, but you were still dating her. So shut the fuck up.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

It happened just like with David. I suddenly realized I was asking him if he keeps secrets, and he said, everyone keeps secrets. I remember finding it strange my mouth asked that. Then it came up again and he held his fingers a small space apart and said, “Little things.” Either he was severely fooling himself, which makes his decision-making ability questionable, or he was deceiving me, which means he is willing to sacrifice our trust to protect his secrets.

Either way, this is not merely an issue of poor communication. It was a matter of, even last month when I was in town, I should have never been in that position. Neither woman should have ever been in that position. To be mad just because it blew up this weekend is to be mad at the ash that rains down after you set a volcano to explode.

I’m not competing with a man’s issues. It’s rude to even put me in that position. It should have never even come as far as this weekend. He should never have pulled me in.

Rie said what’s most infuriating was that he innocently told me they were going to hang out and took advantage of my good faith by claiming she was just a friend. She would have cut off his balls at that point. It’s complete emotional deception. She said I’m too kind. I am too kind. The kindest thing I can do is walk away. Keep poking me in the back and things get far less kind.

Your body may be gone, I’m gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we’ll get lucky and we’ll both live again.
Well I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. Don’t think so.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I’ll tell you what you missed,
when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn’t you waste the afterlife?