I really don’t want to talk about it anymore. I think the thing that really inflames me is how everything now falls under the shadow of doubt. Everything he ever said, everything he ever did, I can’t believe anything when he’s been looking me in the eye this whole time, wanting and allowing me to believe he was this open, honest guy, when he’s been hiding this the whole time. Makes me wonder what else he hides. What was actually real. Who the fuck is he. Even the smallest thing sets my insides off again, like how he told me he had shaved his beard so maybe a part of him knew I was coming in. Now I think he shaved it for Sandi. Makes me wonder what else he planned, or would have “let happen.” That explains why he looked so stricken when I surprised him. Maybe it was guilt. Rie told me she thinks they’re still fucking. She said maybe he wanted to take a break because he found something shinier, but it was only a matter of time if he was supposedly so into me but still seeing her nearly everyday. He invited her into his bedroom on a Friday night to “watch a movie.” While I was supposed to be out of town. That hardly sounds like a man setting boundaries. It sounds like a man trying to get his cake and eat it, too. And his MSG that just said she left later than expected when he was supposed to call. His excuse was that he didn’t want me to think she spent the night. Instead it begged the question, what do you mean she left later than expected? And why would I think you would let her spend the night unless the danger had been there? Rie told me, it only takes an hour to fuck. And the truth is, a guy who can hide things from you, what about him or what he says can you really believe? You don’t really know him. All you had was faith and now you know you don’t even have that. Everything is questionable.
That’s been the worst part. Not knowing what else was lies, manipulation. Even if everything was true except his hiding this one thing, I don’t have a bridge of trust to fall back on. It’s gone. All I have is the fact that he hid this from me, he had a simultaneous relationship going on while looking me in the eye and presenting himself as honorable and dependable. A week ago, I would have said the one thing I didn’t doubt was his integrity. His sincerity. But now those are exactly what this situation jeopardized. You break someone’s trust, how can they ever believe you again? You’ve been deceptive once. It is now within the realm of possibility that you’re capable if it at will.
I was thinking about how when you read people’s dating ads, they always say they don’t want drama. I think people may not always want drama, but they invite it. Maturity has to do with making a conscious decision not to allow it in, whether looking for it or letting it in. People can say they don’t want drama, but are they in a place in their life where they can live without it? I don’t want drama. I’ve had enough. I don’t mind it outside, but when I come home, I want to create a safe, caring environment for my loved one, and for him to do the same. I want home to be safe. Dependable. Something I can always count on. It seems like common sense but not everyone wants the same thing. I have to find someone who wants the same thing, and has the character and maturity to help me create it.