What is it about being with you that makes me feel like I’m collapsing from the inside out?

May 2nd, 2003 | Comments Off on

How is it that I can feel lonelier when I’m around people, to the point that the only way that I can feel better is to go off and be alone?

I was in such a funk today. I woke up and felt so lonely. The world suddenly felt so big, and somehow, made me feel hollow and empty. Like I was raining on the inside. I’m wondering if I expect too much from the world and that no matter what, my existence will always involve disappointment. In a way, I feel like I’m emotionally high-maintenance but I don’t know if there are people out there in the world who can give me all the affection and care that I need. I’m such a disgusting puppy. Sometimes I wonder if everyone feels this way but just doesn’t admit it. Yes, I have cried myself to sleep in the past. There. I admitted it.

I sent out an email to Maryland Brian, the guy I was in love with in college but could not get it together for. A part of me has never let him go because he’s such a good guy. He’s married now. But I think I still hang on to it because I cared about him then completely went out of my way to destroy it. It doesn’t matter whether there was anything there, if it would have worked, etc. I don’t want anything romantic with him; I just have good associations with him because he’s such an upstanding guy. The biggest thing is that I think I still feel horrified about what I will do to keep something from working. Something that might feel good to me. For someone who understands people so well objectively, I have some serious issues about relating to people.

I’ve realized that I can’t deal with disappointment. I HATE it when people say they’ll do something or go somewhere with me, and then I get my hopes up, but then they cancel for no good reason (ie they didn’t feel like going anymore). I get so hurt and angry because it was stupid of me to get my hopes up and I feel like people really don’t care about me. You have to realize that I don’t talk about these things to anyone so most people probably don’t realize what a big baby I am. But it hurts and I never tell people because I’m embarrassed about it and I think it’s disgusting and needy. And then I don’t want them to realize that these things can hurt me, or that I care. Then I decide that I don’t want to be around people anymore because it only leads to disappointment. And I go about withdrawing like crazy. What the fuck is wrong with me.

I think I need to be alone for a little while. I know this is part of my reject-others-so-they’ll-reject-you-and-you’ll-never-get-hurt-again thing, but right now, I just need to be alone.

May 2nd, 2003 | Comments Off on