This Week’s New Releases:
12 Donkeys
Bruce Willis plays a man from the future who goes back in time to that fateful night in Tijuana, where an errant flying banana at a donkey show takes out his eye and gives him a case of eye-crabs that destroy his marriage. Unfortunately, he goes back too far and is mistaken for a male sex slave and is imprisoned by the club owner, so that on that fateful night, it is he who is the opening act that his past self is watching. See Meryl Streep’s Oscar-Nominated performance as a pair of crotchless panties.
Dude, Where’s My Colostomy Bag?
Aston Kutcher and Clint Eastwood pair up in this buddy comedy. After a nurse accidentally replaces Clint’s oxygen with a tank of nitrous oxide, Clint and grandson Aston go on a binger to end all bingers, waking up with no clue as to where Clint’s colostomy bag and Aston’s acting career went. They attempt to retrace their steps while meanwhile, a group of evil alien models offer humans oral pleasure in exchange for a missing anal probe that turns its recipients into raving O.C. fans.
Kill Billy Elliot
After The Bride kills the man responsible for the deaths of her friends and fiance, she turns her vengeful eye on Billy Elliot, her too-cute-for-his-own-good childhood arch-nemesis from ballet class. Lucy Liu returns as a pair of evil leotards.
Animal Farmhouse
John Belushi is resurrected to find his beloved frat has been turned into a barn. He leads the animals in a revolution, decreeing that “All Keg Stands Are Created Equal, But Some Keg Stands Are More Equal Than Others,” especially the one that leaves you naked in the trunk of a car, lying in a pool of your own piss. After making a pact with the pigs, the gang slaughters the other unsuspecting animals in their sleep and have a huge cookout with the all-wet-tshirt/all-the-time sorority down the street. Hillary Swank appears in a cameo as a horse.
4 Weddings and a Funeral and an Eye-Gouging and a Twelve-Dollar Blowjob From a Hooker in a Porsche
When Hugh Grant’s constant eye-batting turns Andy McDowell violent after their first week of marriage, she gouges out his eye with an omelet spatula. Without his good looks, Hugh sinks into a dark depression that sends him on a downward spiral that begins with a twelve-dollar blowjob in the front seat of his porsche, and ends in a police shootout in a crackhouse in Detroit. Wackiness ensues.
Being Julia Robert’s Bitch
A piercing documentary about the life of Danny Moder.