wanted: kindred souls

do you feel a higher calling? a deeper failure running a fissure inside of you? find it hard to wake up in the mornings knowing what’s already in store for you. think closer by nin is brilliant. are you hiding the primal side of yourself.can you see the colors of the universe blend together to form something tangible. hear the heartbeats of billions of souls around you. take constant naps.

i am lost in this world that feels so big. i fear the echo from speaking too loudly. I see the darkness as a reprieve. I feel the unknown as a tunnel that has no ending. The constant blackness swirled with silky red will sting your eyes. so i advise you not to look.

in my dream last night i heard a child crying. i rounded the dark corner of an alley to find a young girl half hidden in the shadows with a wounded leg. i approached her cautiously, my eyes adjusting to the darkness, only to find an alley cat gnawing at her calf. to be honest, the little girl was more curious about the situation, maybe a little anxious, than she was horrified. enraged, i scared the cat away, grabbing its neck and throwing it against a wall, my anger towards cruelty against innocence focused into a singleminded intent of breaking this cat into little unrecognizable pieces. it disappeared around the corner of the alley and when i turned around, the little girl had disappeared. i felt an immediate loss in my chest. that girl might have been someone who could have really understood me.

SAF, 26, in search of like minds. willing to travel.

Tonight, What I’m Calling a Good Time:

candlelit bedroom, downward spiral, trent reznor paralyzing my mind as i do freestyle yoga and smell fresh possibility in the cool night air.

End of the Workday Musings
(aka Desperate Attempts to Make the Clock Move Faster)

Have you ever had a nickname/handle for so long that you can’t even remember where it came from? Why the hell am I jpchunderbutt?

I met with the producer of my short and he’s now on board for my dark comedy feature as well. He was really excited about it, which is awesome because not only does he get it, but he sees its potential. The most important thing is to have people who are really excited about your project. Sometimes it just takes one person with enough connections to push things through. He thinks it can be shot comfortably with a budget of $3 million. I told him, that’s a little bit above my credit card limit. We’re going to be putting together a business plan and investor’s packet soon. This whole thing is so exciting because I finally have a producer who knows how to do these things, has experience doing it, and really wants to see this happen. I’m really, really excited. (Blog Ho, I still owe you a copy of the script and $1. I haven’t forgotten. They’re coming when you least expect it…).

This Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise thing is both disgusting and ridiculous. I don’t care how good-looking he was/is. He’s so cheesy in real life that he’s like that dorky uncle that everyone has. And then he’s got his mouth pressed up to yours and you’re like, what the hell is going on? You’re my uncle! And you’re old! And you smell like a wet vacuum bag! And then he acts like nothing happened when your mom and aunt get back from shopping at Target and you’re not sure if you’re supposed to be excited or disgusted at this little secret. Which is how I theoretically imagine what kissing an old cheesefart like Tom Cruise in public must feel like when you’re a young, spritely girl who knows with each camera flash, that your credibility is going down the drain.

I am trying to get a 4-pack in time for summer. Brian greatly appreciates the now-common sight of me on the floor of my bedroom, lying down in my underwear, watching DVDs as I lift weights and do crunches.

Speaking of strange behavior, Brian thinks it’s strange that when I come home for lunch and heat up spaghetti, that I take off my shirt and eat while just wearing my bra so as to not risk getting anything on my shirt. I also make spaghetti sauce shirtless, wearing an apron over my bra as to not soil any shirts (tomato stains can be hard to get out). I told him my habit has always been to strip down to my bra when I get home. It’s the equivalent of a man loosening his tie when he gets home from work. In high school and junior high, the bus would drop me off at the bottom of our hill and I would have to walk a mile up a steep hill in sweltering California heat. I’d be sweating and feverish by the time I got to my front door so the first thing I always did was strip down to my underwear and stand in front of the fridge with the door open to cool off.

Clothes are overrated.

I’m leaving for NY tomorrow night. Rie gets married on Friday night and I’m supposed to read a poem at the wedding. I chose:

“Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not of one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” (Kahlil Gibran)

I love this quote:

“Night fell again. There was war to the south, but our sector was quiet. The battle was over. Our casualties were some thirteen thousand killed — thirteen thousand minds, memories, loves, sensations, worlds, universes — because the human mind is more a universe than the universe itself — and all for a few hundred yards of useless mud.”
~ John Fowles (1926-)

I’m bored now. I’m going to put my head down and will away the time until I get to leave.

I luuuuurve Family Guy.

But I just read creator Seth McFarlane’s bio on imdb, and it gave me chills. Holy crap.