Really, it’s the stress of feeling the weight of everything inside me with no outlet. It’s probably as much my own fault as anything else why I’ve been more cut off from the world and my friends and support network. There just always seems to be ambitions to fulfill, until you stop one day and ask yourself if ambition is the fuel which keeps you running away.
What is it that I’m refusing to face? It hasn’t gone unnoticed that I haven’t been blogging as much, though it’s not from lack of things to ponder and inner turmoil and observations. I can’t go through life without using my legs when I know full well that my legs are perfectly fine.
I had a dream the other night where I was walking through the door of a hospital to the world outside with someone who was guiding me, when my legs went rubbery and I couldn’t stand up. I was so scared that he would leave me there because I couldn’t walk and I wouldn’t be able to get outside. So I tried really hard to stand up but my legs had no strength in them, and I was terrified that he would see me and decide I was deadweight and leave me in there. It was imperative that I got outside. And when I finally did, I felt relieved at being free, but the place was dark and dirty.
I just need answers. But the answers demand that you risk everything before they reveal themselves to you. And everything just seems like a lot to potentially lose, but really, there’s no choice. You have to do whatever it takes to at least give yourself a chance to make the most out of your life.
you can tell a lot about a person by who they high dial.
i was surprised by my choice.
Why being shy is awful.
1. You have trouble looking people in the eye when they talk to you, and when you make an effort to maintain eye contact, you worry that they think you’re staring.
2. Your words don’t sound the same outside of your head as they did inside, and the more conscious you are that you’re stumbling, the more you stumble until you can’t remember what it was you were saying.
3. You have a desperate fear of awkward silences.
4. You assume everyone is looking at you.
5. You anxiously pray that your fly isn’t down every time someone walks by.
6. You suddenly have to concentrate on walking evenly whenever you notice someone staring at you.
6. You sometimes can’t listen to what people are saying in conversation because you are so anxious to get out of that conversation.
7. You get so excited about meeting people and wanting to know their life stories, but you’re too afraid to ask anything.
8. You never find out as much as you would like to know about people.
It never seems to make sense. How sometimes life can take you further and further away from who you are.
http://www.vgmerchandise.com/misc.html
Read it, then let’s form a support group because the world doesn’t make sense to me anymore.
Amusing article about Amsterdam
If wealth is measured by the amount of true love, compassion and generosity in a person’s life, some people die very poor, pathetic people.
Interesting Tidbits
I hope the one for the eyes works. I’ve been having trouble with my vision lately…for someone with supposedly 20/20 after having Lasik a few years ago, I’m finding that sometimes I can’t even recognize people who are standing a room’s length away. Reading the tiny print in English on signs when I was in China was hell. I’m spending way too much time in front of a computer.
1st Post of 2006
I’ve been putting off this post, back when it was titled Last Post of 2005, for whatever reason my conscious mind can’t wrap around, or rather, too many reasons tangled into a maddening little knot to make any sense of. 2005 was a year that went by in such a blur, it made me realize the speed in which our lives are carried by the currents, and the urgency in which we have to taste the colors and textures and energies around us so that life has not been wasted on us. It’s the first year where I considered aging as a reality rather than an abstract, and wondered who I would be years from now, and how I would reflect upon who I was and what I had stood for. One thing that marked 2005 was a newfound thankfulness for the blessings a person encounters when he or she keeps themselves open by stepping out of the now and appreciating everything that is alive and present…from the warmth of a good friend’s smile, to the sound of the night when it whispers its secrets to itself in the darkness. Even surfing through blogs and reading the truths of hundreds of strangers who have the courage to reveal their life stories and thoughts and most vulnerable fiber in hopes that within their echoing into the dimensions of the universe, someone or something may echo back. Every person’s personal battles and ways of sorting through the confusion of life and existing is an inspiration to those who dare to wonder what it is we’re supposed to be doing, and it makes me think that throughout all of our collective stumbling, on some higher level, we’re all on the right track.
There are times when I’m engaged in a conversation with friends, and I look around and feel a deep sense of appreciation for the goodness that glows from within the people in my life. No matter what their daily masks, my friends are intelligent, witty, kind and sincere, and have a driving curiosity that expands their horizons and the horizons of those around them. They are people who make those around them better people, just by their willingness to share in the experience of life and grow. I know a lot of people look at their friends and think, I’ve got a great set of friends, and I think that’s not just the right way, but the only way. So often we let people into our lives who don’t wish us the best or want us to grow, or who don’t want us to achieve our full potential. But when you surround yourself with people who help you expand or even give you the seemingly little things at the most precise times like a needed laugh or kindly hug when you most need it, it makes all the difference in the world. And I just don’t think people tell each other often enough or sufficiently enough that they’re appreciated, so all of you who are in my life, the Michigan gang, the UCLA gang, the husband, the wife, the Hooch and the Nanny, the kids in the Midwest and the kids in the East, the artists, the rebels and the kids addicted to suits, the kids I haven’t talked to in years and the kids I see every day, even the strangers I know only from your generosity in sharing your stories and thoughts on the internet, every single one of you under this blanketing sky…I think about all of you probably more often than you might think…and I want you all to know that I’m grateful for your existence and your truth to yourselves, and I hope you all have a wonderful 2006.
