Really, it’s the stress of feeling the weight of everything inside me with no outlet. It’s probably as much my own fault as anything else why I’ve been more cut off from the world and my friends and support network. There just always seems to be ambitions to fulfill, until you stop one day and ask yourself if ambition is the fuel which keeps you running away.
What is it that I’m refusing to face? It hasn’t gone unnoticed that I haven’t been blogging as much, though it’s not from lack of things to ponder and inner turmoil and observations. I can’t go through life without using my legs when I know full well that my legs are perfectly fine.
I had a dream the other night where I was walking through the door of a hospital to the world outside with someone who was guiding me, when my legs went rubbery and I couldn’t stand up. I was so scared that he would leave me there because I couldn’t walk and I wouldn’t be able to get outside. So I tried really hard to stand up but my legs had no strength in them, and I was terrified that he would see me and decide I was deadweight and leave me in there. It was imperative that I got outside. And when I finally did, I felt relieved at being free, but the place was dark and dirty.
I just need answers. But the answers demand that you risk everything before they reveal themselves to you. And everything just seems like a lot to potentially lose, but really, there’s no choice. You have to do whatever it takes to at least give yourself a chance to make the most out of your life.