This is my inaugural post since I switched my blog over to a more private location. It got scary for a while…my not feeling like I could say anything honest because I was scared that it would affect my non-blogging life…my friendships, my relationships. And now, freedom. This has been one of the best weeks of my life, knowing that I have done things, the right things, that were in my best interest.
I was in a great relationship for two years, and I think the bottom line was that I was in a relationship with a wonderful person, my best friend and someone whom I hope to be close friends with for the rest of my life, but it wasn’t the right relationship for me. I didn’t feel that passion for the person as a partner and a lover, and it was something that ate at me all the time, the guilt that I just couldn’t find it in me to want that person in that way. It hurt his self-esteem as well, that I may not be attracted to him or appreciate his looks when in truth, he was a beautiful man. But I there was a part of our connection that wasn’t there.
I think I always knew. It’s not like things had suddenly changed and I was suddenly wondering why I had lost the feeling. I think I wanted to create that feeling, but after a while, I could either deny the fact it wasn’t there, or face it to be fair to both of us.
Sometimes I would get scared because I knew that he would be an amazing partner and husband to someone else, and I didn’t know why he couldn’t be that for me. I think I was being selfish by being afraid to give him up. But ultimately, I didn’t make him happy, no matter how much he thought so. I think we made each other happy in many ways, but so sad in others. I love him and hope that his dreams come true.
I remember the day, when I woke up and I knew it was the right decision. I had locked him out of our room and ignored his knocks to come in because I wanted to be alone. I had bought a brand new journal, a clean journal, and I started to write in stream of consciousness. Sometimes this is the easiest way for me to communicate with myself…I let myself flow and then as I read what I write, I start to understand. Because if I’m flowing well, what I write is the truth.
Watching a relationship fall apart is like falling in slow motion. You know it’s happening but you try not to pay attention or admit it, as if that will make the pain of the fall less real. Why do people stay, then? Fear. They are afraid to let go of a collective past. More so than fear of the unknown? You are always going to be afraid to let go of anything you know to be safe. Because once you realize what safe is, you realize how much is not safe in this world. You can spend a lifetime collecting things, or you can spend a lifetime collecting ideas. Both can be equally worthless. There is a lot of pain in this world; it’s like we brought it with us when we showed up. I’m looking for a master. There is something that is bothering me and I don’t know what it is. You are not being able to convincingly argue things because you aren’t talking about the core issue. The core issue is that you are not happy. YOU ARE NOT HAPPY. You can dance around it, slice and dice it, try to give it different names and reasons, but the face does not change. Could you be happier somewhere else? Without certain things in your life? Problem solve. Physical pain is hard for you psychologically. On the other hand, physical pain can also be a symptom of psychological pain. Your body is getting stronger. Your mind is getting stronger. Your psyche is getting more active. You are starting to get deep into the lights and the darks. We have to live equally in the light and the dark. That’s a fact. That is something that can’t be changed, only denied or deferred. I am tired of not having my own domain, tired of taking care of someone else. I am selfish now. I no longer want anyting to do with what is altruistic or kind. I only want self-survival which involves finding out what is important to me, no matter how noble or disgusting. I want my own space, to not be invaded in my own space. This is mine. I want for no one to tell me what to do anymore. I want to be an island unto myself, and choose the diplomatic terms with which I will operate. Big cities bring city problems. The psyche gets wounded in different ways out here. You have to figure out what you want to do and the master will appear. Master. Peer. I would like either. I need someone to talk to. I understand that I have to be ready, so I will try to process my thoughts so that my though process is less inhibited. I would also like more mental courage.
He came into the room, unlocking the door from the outside. I became very angry, though I never looked up from my journal or stopped writing.
I would like for my personal space to not be invaded. I get very angry when I can’t have my own safe place. I am angry right now because you think you have a right to my space. This is a betrayal to me. This is something that will make me look at you as though you are the enemy. Right now, my space is threatened and I am not looking at it happily. If you do not leave, I will force you out. I think it’s over. I really think it’s over. I just can’t live a lie anymore. I don’t even know what the lie is, I just don’t feel like this is truthful. You want to be angry at me, be angry. Let him be angry. And sad. And hurt. You will be as well. Let him feel all the things he needs to feel. And then let him go. It is up to the stronger person to say that this is not it. Do you ever feel like there are two people inside of you, someone who is young and learning, and someone who is old and wise, but can’t remember? When the younger one hurts, the older one leads. When the older one hurts, the entire system goes into dispair. When my older one hurts, I need a master. I need someone from the universe to answer questions. Truthfully, I always had to answer them myself or wait until I forget my questions. I never really got an answer back.
When I woke up the next morning, I knew. I felt free, because I knew that I knew what was right, and I knew that I had the courage to make the right decision. I went to work to mail some bills and then to Starbuck’s to write, and I just felt lighter. I was scared though, because there was still a part of me that was scared that I was making the wrong decision, that maybe this was an act of self-sabotage. It didn’t feel like it though. It felt different. I re-read what I had written the night before, and I felt confident. I wanted to tell someone though, to hear this decision outside of my head. So I called Sareet, and as I was leaving a message for her, a man that had once been significant but whom I had forgotten walked into the restaurant next door.
Who is he? I don’t know. I know who he is, but I don’t know who he is to me. All I know is that in the two years of my committed relationship in which I would have done anything for it to work out, there was only one person that I was attracted to, so much so that I had to leave treatment with him in order for me to give my best effort to work out my relationship. He always intrigued me…the hands of a healer, but some kind of block that prevented his hands from being connected to his heart. I used to watch him, wonder where he was because sometimes he was there, and sometimes he was so far away. There was something very warm and soothing about his energy though. I think my boyfriend picked up on it because he started showing up to my sessions. I had to leave. I believe I spun a very convoluted, slightly angry story about why I was leaving. It was a very difficult time, emotionally.
So of all days, after having not seen him in over a year, he shows up. As he ate inside, I contemplated if I would say anything. I watched him leave and I struggled, and a part of me yelled his name. I went to shake his hand and to my surprise, he gave me a hug. We talked and I was relieved when I asked him if he wanted to sit down and he did. We talked for
a few hours and it was good. He asked when I was usually there, and I was glad that it meant that he might want to see me again.
What does this mean? I don’t know. My life has always operated by fate and coincidence, so maybe this is a moment of comfort and companionship, a rest stop… maybe this is another soul connection that will lead me to the next step of my journey, and hopefully him to his next step.
All I know is that it is a wonderful feeling, because my creativity is back, and I’m excited about what is around the corner for me. I have been praying for a deeper soul who has courage and can help me with some understanding.
I showed him the safe place that I had created, the condo I had remodeled. He said if his circumstances were different, he could see himself living in a place like this. That made me feel good because it means he feels safe there. He’s very guarded in some sense because he has experienced a lot of hurt in his life. The color black seems to have significance to him. Sometimes I want to hug him and put my head on his shoulder.
I had a dream last night where we were taking a walk, and I felt safe with him. So I asked him if I could hold his hand. He said yes and it was a beautiful feeling. I gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead, and in all, I was very content and peaceful. It was a great dream, the kind that made me feel good when I woke up.
Who knows, because a lot can interfere with a core connection–environment, circumstances, ego incompatibility, etc. But for now, it feels really good to have him in my life again.
