Echo

Today I woke up and felt gloriously strong and balanced. I have no doubt that at this time in my life, I’m stronger and more able to take care of myself by trusting my inner voice and listening more carefully in a way that distinguishes the voices of playful danger-loving curiosity, and the voices of good care.

I had two interesting encounters yesterday, one that will potentially help me move forward on my path, and one that revealed itself to be one that will attempt to hold me back in the same negative patterns from years ago. The latter I feel was a challenge, to see if I’ve truly learned my lessons over the years and grown, or if I can be toppled with the same negative interactions and gameplaying from other people. I think I’m very clear on what I need to do with each, and that’s the reason I feel so good today.

Sometimes people are so busy playing defense and making sure they get what they think they want, that they never notice the people around them and what they are truly saying, or what those people even want, because what they want may not be what you assumed. The key is to listen, rather than play off assumptions that create miscalculations. And then when you don’t get the results you want within your relationships and you don’t understand why, you’re miserable and assume that life just likes to throw you lemons or people always let you down. Truthfully, you do it to yourself and you know it. You just don’t feel a need to work for anything or change, because if you get results from minimal effort and tantrum throwing whenever things threaten to change, and then blame external circumstances or other people when things go south, why would you put in any work when you can manipulate from the comfort of your living room couch? This is just lazy and a guarantee for a person to never experience truly fulfilling and rewarding relationships in their lives. Cowardess is not an appealing cologne. So don’t wear it.

It’s not my job to fix other people or even be a friend to them if I can’t feel without a doubt that I’m getting something beneficial back in return. For example, Reggie has a friend that I really don’t like. He tells Reggie that Reggie’s a good friend because he never asks him for anything. I get mad whenever Reggie talks about this, because he’s proud of this fact, but he doesn’t read the subtext. The subtext is that this person is happy that Reggie is there for him whenever he needs him at a moment’s notice, and he likes the fact that he has to put in no effort because he’s in a situation where he has to give nothing or just the minimal effort back for maximum reward. That’s bullshit.

A beneficial relationship, be it a friendship or a romantic partnership, is a two way street. For balance, everything is mutual–support, understanding, level of commitment to growth, faith, and positive regard. For someone to ask for a friendship when they aren’t prepared to give back anything is an immature and self-centered notion. Shame on them. And if you are on the receiving end of this type of silly proposal, if you are a person who respects yourself in any way, you should never agree to such a ridiculous arrangement. You don’t need that kind of thing in your life.

I’m on my way to San Francisco to see Aubrey and Candice, and to celebrate Simar’s birthday. Have a great weekend everyone!

One of the hardest thing to know is when to fight for the things you want. On one hand, you recognize that if you’re overextending yourself, you have to ask yourself if this is something you actually need in your life that is beneficial, or if you’re chasing something that is actually the manifestation of an internal issue that you have to work on. On the other hand, this could also be a challenge for you to live outside of your comfort zone, to have courage for better or worse, through good outcomes and bad, to trust yourself to take care of yourself and find the path that most benefits you.

Fear gets in the way of everything and clouds your judgment, or makes you avoid the things that you need to be doing. On the other hand, it keeps you away from places you shouldn’t go that might be negative or dangerous for you.

I think right now, the challenge I’m working on is being able to quiet myself, until the only voice I hear is my own, and to trust it, no matter what it says. I hope it all works out.

Work Update

Our outgoing email has had issues for two and a half weeks. Random emails won’t make it to recipients. What company can’t consistently send outgoing emails for two and a half weeks? I got reamed by a customer today who was angry that I never responded to his emails (I had written 3 responses on Thursday) and when I told him that we’ve been having outgoing email issues, he said, “That’s weird” like he obviously didn’t believe me and told me this was a great way to lose customers.

I got really irritated because this is my reputation. I work really hard to respond to everything that’s directed at me, and it pisses me off when people don’t realize that and think I’m dismissive.

I kind of went off on one of my bosses (I kept it cool and analytical, but I was pretty mad) that it’s incredibly unprofessional of a company to not be able to send outgoing mail for two and a half weeks, and that needing to fax all responses is ridiculous (what is this, the 90’s?) and inefficient.

That was the most passionate moment of the day. Otherwise, I did my usual–filled out orders, forwarded emails, returned calls, etc. Woke up and realized I had not only fallen asleep at my desk, but had been dreaming. Put my chin on the window ledge and stared longingly out the window. Thought about taking off my shirt.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/insideout/westmidlands/series2/robot_man_cyborg_machines.shtml

The hardest thing to live with in life is regret.

Every 29 years, we go through this thing that’s called a Saturn return. This is where Saturn returns to the position it was in when you were born, after it’s taken a tour through every aspect of your life and being, teaching you lessons and making you stronger and more disciplined. When Saturn completes its cycle, you go through a period where you evaluate who you are at this point, what you’ve done with your life. You look at if you have been living the life you want and have become the person you want, or if you’re living a life that doesn’t belong to you or is untruthful. If you have been doing the things that move you along your path, you’ll feel good, and this period is a proud and celebratory one, like a major graduation. If you haven’t, you’ll realize that your life has been one disappointment and regret after another. Some people refuse to look at it, so after the Saturn return, they go through another 29 years of numb living, collecting regrets and disappointments that they may or may not be conscious of.

Aubrey read an article somewhere saying that statistically, suicide rates are high amongst people going through their 2nd Saturn return (around ages 58 to 60), though statistically, rates are highest amongst people 65 and older. The article said that this is because by the 2nd return, if you haven’t dealt with things well during your first return and set yourself consciously on your true path, then by the time it comes around again, you’ll review your life and realize that you wasted it and you didn’t live up to your full unique potential.

Sometimes I see people and I see that they’ve ignored the signs that direct them to their path and their place of ultimate self-expression. They walk around numb or angry or bitter, but always refusing to admit that in truth, they have full access and ability to take control of their lives and fulfill themselves with the reality that would make them the most content. Often they take this power (this choice) for granted, and when the universe takes away their ability to choose, when it deals them the bad life-changing cards that are inevitable and binding, they realize what a blessing they’ve squandered. This is a missed opportunity that you can never rewrite, revise or redo.

Pay attention, people. That’s all I ask. If you’re unhappy, ask yourself why, and ask yourself if you have the ability to change your situation. Then be truthful with yourself about fear–if you are afraid of changing your situation, then ask yourself what you’re afraid of, and if this is a beneficial and protective fear, or if this is one that is irrational and hindering you. Let in the people you should trust, and keep out those who you know just allow you to continue an unhappy experience, even though you may prefer that because it makes you feel safer.

We are here to live life, encouraged to make the mistakes that allow us to grow and let in the mentor connections that point us towards the right direction. When we resign ourselves to embodying the idea that our past mistakes compound more mistakes and at the end of the day, we’ve lost our chance to live the life we’ve always wanted to live, then basically, we are just waiting for the day that our dreams and potential actually die, so we can miserably say, “See? It was never an option for me.”

When I’m gone, I hope people say, that person made every effort possible to live her life and realize her potential, to bring positive energy, understanding, compassion and unconditional positive regard to those around her, to learn from her mistakes and set a dignified example, to stumble but always stand up, and to commit to always trying her hardest and to hope for the best, because hope is the life force that keeps us expanding and growing. I hope no one ever says that I gave up, in any way, even when giving up was the easiest decision to make. I hope that people will remember that message of my life, and it will give them the strength to make the most out of their lives, and together, we can all help each other become stronger, more positive and more open with each other.

You can’t help having regrets and disappointments; it’s a part of life and the growing process. Just be aware, that if you’re in the midst of creating a future regret but refusing to admit it, ask yourself why you are allowing yourself to do this and setting up this kind of future, and if this is something that you really want to burden the future you with. Be kind to yourself, because 2 months from now, 2 years from now, 20 years from now, there won’t be a new actor playing you. It’ll still be you, and whatever you put into play now, you will be the one who’s gonna have to deal with it later. So just be conscious and be kind, and do the things that take good care of yourself.

just because you deny the presence of fear, doesn’t mean you haven’t still given it power over your life.

live outside of your comfort zone.

you just might find that it’ll change your life.

So Brian just got back from Europe and he told me that he and a bunch of coworkers were sitting on a train and there was a lady from Rancho Cucamonga who kept talking to them about everything–politics, Governor Arnold, living in California, etc. At one point, she leaned close to them and said, “I really don’t like Orientals.”

I asked Brian if there were a lot of Asian people on the train which made her bring it up and he said, not really. It was just completely random.

Good to know that we don’t even need to be present to affect people.

If I had no fear, I would go. I would go now. I would explain to work that I need to take a month off, no questions asked, and I don’t know if I’ll be back. Then I would go to wherever it is I should go. I’ve started plans for the first leg. In two weeks. Phoenix. Remember Seattle? It was the best weekend of my life. And you know why? Because I was free. Because no one knew where I was and I was free to be myself without anyone watching.

I would like to do that again. I have someone I trust who will anchor me. I know the rules–watch out for strangers, and be careful of anyone trying to follow you home. Appear to be with a crowd. Beware of who you make eye contact with and keep an eye out for who’s watching you. Play it safe, but take advantage of the opportunities, and most of all, listen to everything.

You do only live once as yourself.

I would love that. To travel this country at whim, and the only way to find me is here.

Agenda for the Year of Fearless Living

1. Dance more. Both publicly and privately.
2. Meet new people with great smiles and fascinating stories.
3. Kiss in the rain
4. Successfully drive to the basket (and finish) without having an ounce of fear in regards to my knees.
5. Train like a professional athlete.
6. Spend money like water
7. Tell people that I like to cuddle without immediately following up with the dismissal, “I know that sounds gay. “
8. Enjoy the company of others
9. Finish what I start
10. Does there have to be a ten? I feel like if there’s a ten, I would be compelled to stop at ten, to make this a nice even list of ten. But even if I had other things that I wanted to accomplish, I would push those to the back of my mind until they no longer existed, just so I could have a nice even list of ten to post. Which would make this a skimpy year of fearless living, and deep down, I would always feel like I cheated myself out of something important, and I would probably live out my life in extreme passive-aggressive resentment at myself. But thankfully, there isn’t a ten, so therefore, I can have as many action points as I want. So anyway…
11. Travel more. Particularly to places where I feel that people are warm.
12. Never be afraid of walking away from something or someone if I know it’s not what I want.
13. Learn to play the piano.
14. Don’t be shy about singing.
15. If you like someone, tell them. Because it’s not committal, it’s just a compliment.
16. Tell Baron Davis that he completes me.
17. Don’t be afraid of not answering the phone or being MIA. Those who matter know I always come back.
18. Have fun. Have fun being myself and being ecstatic about that, even if my current urge for expression is to go to Costco for an economy size tub of non-dairy creamer, and spend the entire weekend lighting it on fire.
19. Consider how the fact that you always switch between first person and second person narration could be too revealing of the fact that in your head, you have two personas who have a ball talking to each other, and sometimes like to complete each other’s sentences.
20. Fall in love with the sound of my own typing all over again.
21. Start my own business the right way without worrying about my capabilities. I can deal with the issues that crop up as they come. I just need to trust my resourcefulness.
22. Truly understand that I am not responsible for people just because they love me.
23. Meet someone who takes my breath away.

I had an amazing conversation today with a woman who is very deep and intuitive. I was very honest in discussing my life at this point and the things I was happy about and unhappy about, and she gave some very good insight that really jived with how I feel about my life at this point.

I have deemed this the year of living fearlessly. I want to be able to be truthful with myself about the things I want out of life, the people I want to surround myself with, the experiences I want to collect. I want to explore avenues just because they’re open, and because the open ones are the only ones I should be following at this point in my path.

You want to know what happened that day when my past and future collided into the present and ripped open a psychic portal, and for one small window of time, I was completely conscious? It was like taking a leap off a cliff that day with the expectation that I was solely responsible for figuring out how the hell I was gonna land. Then to my surprise, I found a good friend waiting at the bottom to catch me. And the rest? I wanted to spend time with the friend to show my appreciation, but he seemed really distracted and I felt like there were a lot of other things I wanted to explore and accomplish. So I left, because I didn’t want to sit around while my life passed me by. But it’s okay because even if I see that friend again later, I’ll still be happy to see him.

I am going to travel to somewhere where there’s rain. Warm rain. I don’t mind cold rain, but I think I’m in the mood for some warm rain and catharsis.

If people can tell that a person has a true understanding of love in its deepest sense, they always want to get close to it. If you feel you have that kind of capacity to love others in the deepest sense, you should never allow just anyone into that private space.

Noon on Wednesday? Sure, We Can Start Drinking!

With ambivalence, I have to report that the situation at my workplace continues to deteriorate. Our office has turned into a daycare, as everyone with a daughter brings them in and we have arts and crafts strewn all over our breakroom and bullpen. Yesterday, they closed down our breakroom as they turned it into a makeshift screening room for Cinderella 3. The only way we can get these kids out of the office so we don’t have to hear them screaming, is to convince them to open a little stand on the first floor selling water balloons.

I was by the vending machine earlier today when my coworker brought what looked like a tallboy wrapped tightly in a plastic bag and discreetly slipped it into the back of our fridge. I looked over and he said, “Just hiding my beer.” I said, “Are you serious?” He said, “Dead serious.” I told him I was gonna open it and he said, “Just don’t drink it.” I know he’s joked before that he drinks 2 beers throughout the workday, but I never thought he was serious. Indeed, by mid-afternoon, I noticed the beer was gone.

I still have the little baggie of Xanax he gave me. He said it’s the only way to get through the workday and put up with our boss. I haven’t touched it, but sometimes I wonder…at what point does this place completely lose touch with reality?

Just days ago, I thought it was kind of funny. Now the state of my workplace is kind of freaking me out.

I think tomorrow I’m going to close my office door, and strip down to only my bra and underwear, then work that way until someone finds me. This office desperately needs a cry for help, and I am willing to be the one who makes that sacrafice.

I have been reluctant to bring in any of my writing to my writing class, including not coming to class for 3 weeks. I finally brought in the first 15 pages of my pilot and we did a round table read. As usual, I was listening just to the mistakes and things I wish were stronger, but the instructor said it was great and there were no changes he could think of.

And then I realized why I complain about him and don’t trust him as an instructor. He gives other people notes, but he has never really given me any. He keeps saying that my stuff is great. And I don’t trust that.

Sometimes I don’t understand things. Like not trusting my instructor, for example. Is it because it scares me to think that my writing might be good? Or am I afraid that, if he isn’t successful himself at recognizing good writing, then basically my writing is also mediocre. I think sometimes thoughts are too complex for me, and so I just ignore them.

My burning question of the week has been…is it really possible that people can maliciously manipulate others, just to get them to stay, even if they know that what they are doing can actually destroy these people’s lives? It’s hard for me to accept that people can willingly destroy people that they supposedly love.

I had this dream last week where I got mad at this guy from my writing class, like I finally blew my top and just yelled that I was going to kick his ass and chased him around this park. He tried to run back into my house and close the sliding door, but I got my hand in it and screamed that he wasn’t locking me out of my own fucking house, and to get the fuck out. I realized that I hate cowards.

The coolest thing I’ve been trying to teach my brother is courage. The hardest thing is restraint.

living a fulfilling creative life requires many things. a great love, comes to mind. a burning passion for understanding. a dire unfulfilled spiritual need. a secret drug habit. an unrecovered memory of tragic abuse. or even something small, like a sound or a smell or an image you just can’t get out of your mind. regardless of what you need, creativity is your life force and if you close it off, you suffocate everything within you that is truthful.

as i listen to the people around me, i am afraid of what they are communicating because sometimes i hear too much. so i distance myself, and say things that dictate the conversation in a distracting way. but sometimes i wonder what i would hear if i just listened, and wasn’t so afraid of hearing too much of the inner echoes of the people around me.

i heard a story today about a girl with low self-esteem who gives her body away in hopes that one day, someone will love her. i am convinced that she doesn’t know what love is. and the people who see this weakness in her are compelled to behave in the most cruel fashion possible, as if to punish her for her lack of awareness. i wonder what it is that she represents that terrifies and angers these people so much. maybe we hate weakness and desperation in others because we secretly loathe it in ourselves.

when i think about it, when a person goes through some pretty dark experiences in life, no matter how radiant their personality, the projection never changes the fact that their inner core is still a deeply guarded secret. and from the discipline of having to maintain and protect this secret, a person gains an aura of intensity.

does being around each other make us each more afraid of commitment? i think so.

Spankfest = Morning After of Overwhelming Shame

Well, Spankfest 2007 came and went, carrying with it the rising trend of actual spanks versus the previous mission statement of posing for spanking pictures only, and leaving me a with a sore ass this morning and a black hole where my dignity once was.

Things I learned this year:

1. I have very good alcohol tolerance. After talking for weeks about my low tolerance for alcohol, I discovered that I don’t have a low tolerance as much as the fact that very little alcohol (about 1/4th of a drink) will get me drunk, but after that I can handle my alcohol pretty well. Case in point–2 red bull/vodkas, 6 kamikazes and 1 vodka shot last night. I was still upright and fairly coherent. The key is to stick to the same type of drink. This ranks as the second most alcohol I’ve had in one night. No throwing up, though still drunk the morning after.

2. I am very, very affectionate when I drink. I think that’s my natural state. I like to touch people. It makes me happy.

3. I think my natural disposition is one that is outgoing. At some point in my life, I became shy. I still maintain that I can be shy not from a lack of confidence, but from a lack of trust in others in some situations.

4. I have a designated driver every year, but what I need is an Underwear Exposure Wrangler. I am very, very embarrassed for the number of times I exposed my bare ass and my underwear, particularly on camera. Luckily, the circulating cameras mostly belonged to me, so I have relative control over what is released. Pictures will be destroyed, for sure. I’m pretty pissed at myself for my love of showing off my underwear.

5. Spankfest is my favorite event of the year.

6. I have great friends.

I don’t think you guys fully understand how kooky my office is.

Today I strolled in 10 minutes late, listening to my Ipod. I didn’t take it off for the entire day, outside of unplugging my left earphone so my telephone headpiece could be put on, and when I discovered that it’d be easier to plug my ipod into my computer speakers. Trent Reznor wants to fuck you like an animal? I think everyone in the bullpen wants to hear this one.

The first thing I say to my coworker is, “Holy crap. Whoever invented boxer briefs is a genius.”

He asked me if I was wearing them and he wanted to see so I unbuttoned my pants and showed him. He said, nice. My wife likes those. I told him that if they go to Urban Outfitters, they have some really cute ones with nice designs.

Throughout the morning, we talk about my upcoming birthday party. One coworker says he’s even going to take off his rings when he spanks me, but I might have to sign a waiver. I told him that he was responsible for my other coworker coming, but our other coworker is flaky. We both decided the best way to get him interested in coming was to tell him that my female friends are all models and porn stars, who are slutty and drink way too much. So I did and he said he was definitely in. He asked me if I was serious, and I said, if I’m lying, I’ll let you spank me. My coworker said he was going to spank me anyway, but then he was going to put a size 12 in my ass. My other coworker (who’s black) said, 12?. You don’t wear 12’s. I wear 12’s. I said, “What else is 12?” He got embarrassed, then said, don’t ask questions you aren’t ready to hear the answers to.

At lunch, some coworkers and I had a nice long discussion about birth control pills and its affects on acne and your menstrual cycle as our tech support guy quietly ate his salad.

I walked back from an hour and a half lunch spent at the DMV to find my coworker looking through an issue of Playboy. I asked him if that was the one Amanda Beard was in. He said yeah, and I said that I wanted to see her pictures. So he wants to look through the centerfold first, and he tells me what about her works and what doesn’t turn him on. We both agreed we prefer dark eyes versus blue eyes. We looked at the pictures of Amanda Beard. He said she had a nice butt. I said she’s pretty but she looks like she would be a really mean soccer mom.

After work, in the elevator to the parking garage, I talk with my boss about how it’s going with he and his wife trying to conceive.

Add in the fact that yesterday, we were all talking about if small hands and feet correlated with penis size and my coworker brought up a picture of a huge penis bearing a man that he and his wife had an orgy with over the weekend, I really feel that if this company were ever to create an HR department, we’d probably eat those people alive.

Dear God,
Thank you for June 14th.

Well, I had to change my template to a standard blogger template in order to get my archives back. Gone are the days when you thought of me as a contemplative soul hiding in a sea of pink.

I’ve been boycotting watching the NBA playoffs ever since the bullshit suspensions of Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw. As Diaw put it, he’s been in the league for 4 years and has never even gotten a single technical foul. He left the bench to make sure that Nash was okay, not to fight. I think that there should be heavy fines for leaving the bench, but automatic suspensions are harsh, especially during the playoffs. I feel like there was a lot of bullshit this year in the playoffs that really turned me off from caring. At the very least, I’m proud of my Warriors. I still stand by my statement that Baron Davis must have a good woman in his life right now, because he’s a new man.

The Boston International Film Fest went really well. They gave us a prime spot on a Friday night, and the response was great. We did a Q & A after the screening, and we talked about making the film, and what it means. Afterwards, someone told me that when I was talking about bad relationships where both parties will do anything to hurt each other, he realized that was his situation exactly. I told him sometimes we find ourselves in situations that call for us to prove that we can muster the courage to take care of ourselves and leave bad situations. It was a really cool conversation. I had a bunch of people ask me for my autograph, too, which was flattering, though I’m sorry to say that at this point, those autographs are really not worth much. We’re the only film to have an encore screening, so that’s a good sign. I hope we win an award.

Outside of the festival, Boston’s a cool little town. I love towns where you can walk to most major landmarks. I spent a lot of time on foot just exploring the city. I had the best slice of pizza ever as well. I know I was 5 shots into a long night (1 shot of Bailey’s, 1 pint of Guiness [they made us take them separately because we weren’t allowed to drop the shot glass in], 3 shots of Patron), so that could have attributed to why the pizza was so good, but damn. That pizza was almost worth flying back there for.

If you ever get a chance to stay at a Westin, do it. Their beds and sheets are the most comfortable ever. I had a dream one night that I was sleeping inside a marshmallow.

Why I like the cold?

For me, it reminds me of discipline.

Whenever I felt that I was weak, I would sit out in the freezing rain, and I would make myself bear it, no matter how cold and uncomfortable it was. It taught me mental toughness and gave me an ability to detach. I learned that you can will yourself to survival.

Ladies and gentlemen.

I have to apologize for the time which I’ve been away.

Blogger ate my archives and my ability to receive comments. It even ate that kitten that pooped little footprints that used to reside to the right over here where that missing graphic is.

But then, I figure everything happens for a reason, so I’ll work around it.

Besides, I went through a little period where I lost my courage in myself, but now I’m back.

In life, I’ve realized it’s about the truth. The truth to be yourself, the truth to love the things you love and the truth of being afraid. The truth of needing people, and the truth of the comforts of being lonely.

I’m sorry for those of you I turned away. I’m scared of connections and I got tired of being open with so many people. But those of you who are still here, thanks for the support. It was just me bending from fear.

I think I could achieve great things, if I were only granted the privacy. If I communicated almost solely with writing.

The most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me was…Julia, you like being meloncholy. It’s a part of who you are and you enjoy it. You need someone who will give you the space to feel that way and to delve into that state.

My greatest fear?

Of being possessed.