Echo

Home(b) – Notes from Abroad (Returning from Texas) (Sorry, that was a terrible joke)

(remember that stage when Michael always put a ‘b’ at the end of the word home?)

I’m at home and I’m so happy to be showered and in my own bed. I know that I’ve never been a big fan of Los Angeles, but I absolutely love my home. Maybe that’s what some people are searching for. Where their true home is. Some people get lucky and are born into a place that inherently feels like home. Some people are always searching for that place, that root from which we come, so that we have a safe place to become the vulnerable people we were born into this world as. Safety is having the space to be completely vulnerable. How many of us truly feel safe in the place where we are in our lives?

Probably not enough.

Austin was amazing. These people are both so deeply artistic and simultaneously so intense about their connection to the land and its elements. The energy there is a unique blending of the element of earth and the element of air. They’re also very respectful of your own personal space, or maybe, Robert is super protective in his instigation. I had told Robert that I didn’t think guys in Texas would like Asian girls because they would prefer the blond girls. Robert decided to announce to all of his friends while we were hanging out by the pool, “Julia thinks that guys in Texas don’t want to get with Asian girls.” And then said, “We’re all proof that this isn’t true.” So here we were, 4 straight guys (including one convicted sex offender like Brian likes to point out) who have been drinking, Brian who was busy floating in the deep end getting drunk, and me, the only girl, in my bikini. And Robert makes this awkward announcement that leads to this awkward silence and all the guys are looking at me. I really didn’t want to mess with this situation, especially when earlier that morning, one of the guy’s crazy girlfriend had told me that this pool was conducive to taking off your clothes and having crazy debauched things happen. It just overwhelmed me. So I reiterated that I didn’t believe it, and made some joke about how everything I know about Texas, I learned from watching the show, Cheaters. Brian started talking about how crazy Cheaters was, and after a few minutes, I got out of the pool and hung out on the deck.

Sometimes I feel like when I’m sharing certain recounts of my life, they could all end in some crazy sex romp if I didn’t always do the wrong thing, or if I would just take the two extra steps to really get things rolling in a wicked direction. I know my coworkers are demanding that I start creating more meat to the endings to my crazy weekend stories, especially when they involve lesbians. But I just can’t make myself pursue it sometimes because of a feeling in my gut that this is going to be a really bad idea.

There are a few hidden stories on here about the times it did end crazily. Some of those are great memories, and during others, I was mad scared and would never do them again in a million years. I guess everyone needs to pick and choose their sexual escapades.

But lately, I don’t feel this need for wild and crazy sexual adventures. Sometimes it’s not so much that I’m scared, but that I absolutely don’t want that kind of experience tainting the kind of energy I have right now. I want something that’s wild, crazy, intense and private. I think about crazy scenarios in my head and I love them, but these are only thoughts…they don’t even exist. In terms of reality, I want to hold on to that energy and let it make me creative until I find that one person that I trust absolutely unconditionally. And then this person will be the only person that I share all the things that I’ve learned accumulated to this point. I will open up and show him everything. And this will be solely and privately shared and experienced between us and only us. That’s me right now and what I want. Maybe I’m ass backwards. 3 years ago, I was all about collecting wild and crazy experiences and letting loose. I didn’t have any interest in getting to know one person deeply rather than many people superficially. But then I end up getting pushed into a long-term relationship, my only one. Now I’m totally liberated and I’m really happy, and people are picking up on that and circling so that I can have all the exploratory relationships I want, but I’m just looking for that one deep connection.

I could have slept with people this weekend. There were people who were always around and wanted it. But I didn’t have a single ounce of interest, and did worry a little about people getting aggressive. But outside of this one punkish heavyset girl who shoved her tits in my face at the gay bar as she walked by, people were polite and respectful. I couldn’t stop looking into everyone’s eyes, briefly, trying to catch a glimpse of something familiar, and that was the only thing that could get me to engage socially. I just couldn’t stop looking for that friend who was in the crowd, because I wanted a higher connection, an emotional connection, the type of meeting where it feels like you’re hashing out old memories, but when I didn’t find it, I was content to just sit in the background and watch from inside my head. I don’t know. It’s just been an unexpected time. I’ve never felt stronger or happier and I’m learning to relax and just experience everything, to see where this wave of inspiration is taking me. But it’s like how I’ve been eating healthier and treating my body better. I’m looking for something that will make the more evolved parts of me stronger. I gain my strength through emotional connections and that’s the only thing I want right now. Clean, good energy and a higher awareness.

That was something that I learned this weekend.

Brian and I went to Twin Falls, this natural swimming hole. The place was amazing–such a diverse mix of race, culture and age groups. There were families swimming next to tattooed and pierced people smoking joints. The types of people would change from area to area. Brian gravitated towards a good-looking frat plot line with hot people that was unfolding. I spent time trying to catch a football thrown by these black guys while jumping off a fall. I’ve never dove off a fall before, and I think normally I’d be scared of it because of all the stories my mom told me about people who get paralyzed. But I was totally excited to get up there and I took one look, handed my sunglasses to Brian, and jumped.

Oh holy shit. I haven’t jumped into a deep body of water in years and I couldn’t understand how the hell I’d forgotten this feeling. It was exhilarating…a new experience and an old memory smashing together and becoming the same thing as I exploded underwater.

I did it a few times and on our last jump, I asked Brian if he wanted to do it together, holding hands. He didn’t.

So I realized afterwards that I really fucked up my back (I also took a ride with the currents that was semi-intentional). I worried that it might affect my ability to bear weight on my right leg, but I prayed and took some Advils, and it didn’t tighten up on me too badly on the 3 hour flight, and only got tight after I’d showered and gotten into bed. I love how reliable my body is sometimes. You really do need to think of your body like a horse. If you treat it well and earn its trust, it will do its best to take care of you and be there for you.

On the flight home, there was a black male flight attendent with cornrows and a nice smile. His seat was just next to us, facing the back of the plane and he kept looking at me and smiling. It wasn’t menacing or suggestive. It was like he would try to look away and then try to catch my eye again. I was practicing my Toastmasters speech and when I saw that he kept watching, I got really self-conscious, so I waited until he left to provide beverage service before I continued practicing. Later, I fell asleep, but when I woke up as we were landing, he was in his chair, watching me. He l
ooked away really quickly. I closed my eyes again, but I half opened them later and saw that he was looking at his hands in his lap but glancing over out of the corner of his eye occasionally and smiling. Something about me was making him happy. It was kind of sweet.

When we landed, I put on my baseball cap and sunglasses. It was because I realized my hair had drip dried from the creek so it was probably really messy, and I put on my sunglasses because I had left the case in my suitcase which I’d checked in, so I didn’t want to let them get smashed in my bag.

But what I found when I did that, was a lot of men on the plane started glancing and double-glancing over, including some dude from Days of our Lives. I think also, in LA, if you go out in a hat and sunglasses, people will check to see if you’re a celebrity incognito, or a celebrity poser. I was someone with messy hair who didn’t want to break a decent pair of sunglasses, but I guess lowkey gets you more attention out here. The flight attendent kept looking, but I could tell he couldn’t tell if he was making eye contact with me, and I wasn’t giving him any sign. I was in the very back of the plane, and as soon as I stepped into the aisle, he suddenly stood up with his bag like he was leaving. He kind of stepped out into the aisle, smiled and said, “Hi.” I stopped because I thought he wanted to go in front of me. But he waved me by and told me to go first. Well, it seemed like he was getting off the plane and it seemed like he wanted to talk to me, but here’s where weird happened. I completely did not read the situation fully consciously. In the back of my mind, I felt like he wanted to talk to me, but then it just never became a solid understanding in my head. So I kept my unapproachable aura on and as soon as I got off the plane, I made a beeline for Brian. I know that when we’re together, people who casually assess think we’re a couple because his public self is very authoritarian. And I become really serious, too. We’re like two sullen badasses. But it didn’t occur to me that I was ignoring a connection, the same way, I had no idea I had come off really standoffish to the girl at the bar, enough for her to apologize for “bothering” me. Normally I never turn down conversation or flirting but just lately, I don’t know. I feel like I’m very guarded unless people approach me in the right way.

So I’ll never find out who that guy was or what it was that he wanted to say, and he seemed very nice and harmless. Maybe I’ve gotta get better at this, reading doors that are open within the space between people. Maybe none of it matters anyway, because whatever happens will happen and you just have to let the currents take you.

Life makes me smile. Whatever happens, it will all work out.

I’m Afraid of Americans Lesbians

I just got back from seeing Rufus Wainright at Stubbs in Austin. It was an amazing show with Neko Case opening. It was general admission so Robert and I got tired of standing, so we sat down for most of the show, but Brian was in hog heaven. One thing I love about Rufus is that he has a beautiful voice and he’s so passionate when he sings. That man gives it his all. We should live every moment of our lives that way. It takes a lot of courage, but I have a feeling it’s the free-ist way to live.

Earlier today, we had met some of Robert’s friends at Whole Foods for breakfast. He has this one friend who’s really nice, and I had heard about his history before I met him–he was in his early 20’s and met a 14 year old girl, and not knowing she was underage, he slept with her. Turns out her dad found out, and unfortunately, he’s the president of the Texas bar. So they prosecute him and he gets sent to prison and now has to register as a sex offender. He can’t get any kind of business license in Texas, and is on probation for something like 10 years. It’s unfortunate, because the sex was consensual and the girl led him to believe she was 18, but it didn’t matter. The guy was a law student and now he can’t even start any kind of business, and is a convicted felon and registered sex offender.

Anyway, I joked last night that since I was in Texas, I was gonna either fuck someone or start a girlfight (anyone who knows me knows that means I’m gonna have 1 drink, eat dinner, get sleepy and be in bed by 10pm). So Robert said that when I meet his friend, he would totally fuck me. Well, I met him for the first time today and he’s a good-looking guy and intelligent, but his eyes are incredibly haunted. It was hard to see, knowing how life can just throw these decent people complete wicked curveballs out of nowhere. I guess he was interested because he asked Brian and Robert to butter me up to him when I stepped out of the room, but I wasn’t serious about wanting to sleep with anyone. Later, at the concert, Robert pulled me aside and said, “You’ve been around plenty of decent straight guys and if you wanted to fuck someone, you would have already. So maybe you should ask yourself what happened with Reggie that’s making you like this, or maybe you just want to be alone right now.” I told him, “First of all, it wasn’t Reggie that did anything to me or messed me up inside, because I would have stayed if he was the one, but I didn’t and I’m very proud of that decision. But I’m looking for someone specific, in the eyes of everyone I meet, and I just can’t find him yet, or find someone who’s willing to explore these deep connections.” He nodded, then said, “I didn’t really want to introduce you to anyone. I was trying to save you for myself.” He was joking, but he gets what I’m going through. If anyone remembers him, Robert was Brian’s friend from UT who was the underwear model/actor. He moved back to Texas, and the thing is, the guy has a very healthy attitude towards sex, but he’s a serial monogamist and at the end of the day, when he commits, he COMMITS. He said that he has no problem with the idea of marriage and committing to one person for the rest of his life, but he worries about his partner cheating on him. He knows that for all my talk and all my fluttering around, I don’t mess around in the deepest parts of me. I’ve never given my heart away, and have only opened my heart to a few people, and got burned, but stood back up and am not afraid to do it again with the right person. I’m just looking for the one person that I can say with confidence that I want to devote my heart, soul and life to. And I think right now, I’ve dedicated myself to that search. I just have to figure out what he’s going to look like in terms of his energy, because we have so many soulmates out there, so even if it’s a deep connection, you still have to choose the right soulmate.

So I had already gotten hit on earlier today at Whole Foods by Robert’s friend’s girlfriend who blurts out that I’m gorgeous and how she’s figured out my secret…that I’m beautiful (I understood what she meant, even though I didn’t exactly. I don’t hang any self-esteem whatsoever on how I look because I recognize that in 10 years, if that’s how you’ve been measuring yourself, you’re fucked. So I rarely acknowledge how I look to myself…I just try to take care of myself and have a beautiful inner being). She kind of intimidated me because all through breakfast, she kept talking about dildos and sex and shooting pornos. So when she said that, I kind of hid behind Brian like a little kid and was really self-conscious. I think I made a half-ass gemini joke like, “Just wait til you see me without clothes.” But I wasn’t comfortable.

After the concert, Brian really wanted to go to the gay bar so I went with him. The place had a healthy mix of lesbians and I saw this blond girl check me out. Well, those of you who remember my fiasco with my lesbian chiropractor know that that whole experience kind of made me nervous around blond lesbians who take an interest in me. So a few minutes later, Brian and I are standing around and I turn around and she’s right next to me. She wants to tell me that I look just like a friend of hers, and wants to know my name. So I introduce myself, doing a handshake so close to my body that I accidentally press her hand against my boob. So Brian tells her that we just came from the Rufus show, and they’re talking and I look over at her every once in a while but she’s talking to Brian so mostly I look at the decor on the ceiling. So finally she says, well, I just wanted to let you know that you look just like my friend…sorry to bother you. And leaves. As soon as she’s outside of earshot, Brian says, “Dude, you had the most petrified look on your face.” I didn’t know what he meant so he did his impression of me and from that impression, I looked pretty terrified. I don’t know. I can’t handle being hit on by girls, sober. Especially ones who look like my lesbian ex-chiro who sicced her crazy aggro wife on me because I didn’t want to be with her. Yeah, that will always be a sore spot for me, something that always makes me sad, because even though I didn’t have romantic interest in her, I really cared about her and her welfare, and she betrayed everything that was sincere that I gave her in friendship. That whole experience made me really sad.

Anyway, apparently I’m terrified of lesbians. And probably men as well. I just don’t want anyone hitting on me and to have to feel bad about turning them down, because I’ve never looked for casual. Especially now, I’m looking for something specific. Not necessarily committed leading to marriage, but something specific that can help me grow at this time. And who knows where it leads. This road is completely open.

By the way, I knew this guy once, and he and I had a strong connection (fucking Pisces…I’m like a moth to a flame…), but I always had a feeling that he was waiting for his ex, and she was the one who really owned his heart. So I heard he got married, and I looked it up and sure enough, he married her. They posted their “story” in their wedding announcement, and apparently, they had met freshman year in college and kind of vibed each other. Throughout the years, they kept running into each other and finally went out on a date. They dated for a bit, then went their separate ways. He was in LA, she was on the east coast, but they kept in touch and she ended up moving out here, and they got married. The thing was that I know he was dating plenty of people while he was in LA, but when the time was right and he was ready, they found each other.

My favorite part of that Six Feet Under finale is that Claire’s lawyer boyfriend shows up randomly, unexpectedly, at her mother’s funeral and they get married when they’re like in their 40’s. A part of me is sad because I know I’m going to marry late, and I feel sad for my parents that I’ll never bring home that promising young man full of p
otential. I don’t know if they’ll be alive to see me get married, but I know that whatever I do will be right, because I’m willing to take risks, but I’m also cautious about picking and choosing where to take risks. I always wonder, with all these connections I’ve made with people, who’s going to show up out of the blue when I’m older, and what hadn’t been right before, is suddenly right…now.

My coworker told me on Thursday that he thinks we’re going to get married. According to him, we’re going to get married to other people (he said I’m gonna marry Baron Davis), then get divorced, and one day we’ll run into each other at Starbuck’s, realize that we have a connection, and now we’re older, wiser and have gotten all of the young stuff out of our system and are ready to settle down for real. And we’re gonna get together and get married, and he’s gonna let me run around, but he won’t care and he’ll sit at home, waiting for me to come home because at that point, he’ll be done playing around, but he respects me enough to give me my freedom because he knows I’m the type who always comes home.

I’m not really attracted to him, but I thought it was interesting that he had this whole scenario in his head, especially because he’s a player. But ever since we smoked out that night and he saw the core me, the me that’s exactly the truth of who I am, he’s been looking at me differently. He’s also cleaned up since then, and is getting less player-ish and more domesticated, working out and cooking (he always brings what he cooked the night before and will come into my office with a fork cuz he wants me to try it). Well, maybe I’m making him a better man, even though I don’t see myself with him.

Whoever you are that I’m looking for, I hope I find you soon because it’s tiring to radiate this energy and I only have so much red in my closet. But if you’re someone I know already but who isn’t ready, I hope when the time is right, we find each other again. Because that’ll be the happiest moment of my life.

Red for Leo

Ever since the beginning of August, I’ve been wearing red every day because red is the color that symbolizes the Leo Sun energy. Leo rules your hopes and wishes as well as passionate romance and ultimate creativity. Since I’m going through a Saturn conjunct my Ascendant in Leo, I’ve been learning how to channel how people see me and their first impressions of me. I’ve discovered that I come off very confident and open. By wearing red to celebrate the Leo energy, I also believe that you can focus your energy on what you want to draw towards you, and it can become very effective. I asked for people who embody the element of fire to come towards me, and it looks like it’s been happening a lot. A lot of people with bright energy.

Today, I ran one of my social experiments at the gym. I don’t know why I never did this before, considering how much time I spend at the gym, and how 5 o’clock at the gym is the new happy hour. It’s like a jungle dance in there, how different people play out the mating game. But I went to the gym with my sole purpose being to observe, and see what kind of people are drawn to me. I brought my tiny notepad to take notes.

So in my recent experiments, I’ve noted that wearing black makes people notice me but more wary at approaching me, wearing light blues makes people feel comfortable in approaching. I wore a red shirt with the silhouette of a woman tied to a stake, and I completely discombobulated the cable guy on Wednesday. He couldn’t take his eyes off my shirt and he kept losing his train of thought while he talked to me. He ended up having to leave and request that a supervisor come help me. So today I went to the gym to observe the effect of red in channeling my energy :

Well, I decided that this would be too much red as to be overwhelming in a public place. So I wore all black except for the red baseball cap.

I kept my hat pulled down so that no one could see my eyes or where I was looking. I was watching everyone. The funny thing about the gym that I noticed today is that everyone is cruising everyone else–I even saw this older Persian guy cruising this young white frat boy who looked extraordinarily “neat.” Why drink when you’ve got prime people watching and endorphins coursing through your veins?

I noticed a lot of people looking at the hat, both men and women. Some were bolder than others. This one guy came over and says that he wants to introduce himself. His friend had mentioned to him, check out that girl in the red hat, and so he wanted to come over and introduce himself because it seems that I had an effect on his friend. He said that his friend had no idea he had come over and talked to me, but it would be really cool if I walked by his friend. I was watching him the whole time and decided to call bullshit. “So are you really here for you, or are you here for your friend?” I asked. He was caught off guard. I’m here for my friend. “Well it’s too bad your friend doesn’t have any guts. You guys must be really tight for him to let you do the speaking for him.” He said that the guy was his coworker, and that they looked out for each other. I asked him what he did and he said he was an undercover cop for the department stores in the building, and that technically, he was currently on the clock. So I stop talking to him, kind of icing him out while I stretch, so he said that it seemed like I was cool and said goodbye.

I stayed on the mat and observed. There was a really cute Jewish guy on the treadmill just rocking out to his iPod. Dark hair, pale skin, long eyelashes, sensitive eyes…my type. Couldn’t decide if I thought he might be gay. Definitely a mama’s boy. Man, there’s something about Jewish guys for me. It’s love/hate. But I couldn’t stop looking at him.

This guy comes up and sits down on the mat next to me. He says that he didn’t know his friend was gonna come over and talk to me until he looked over and it was happening (yeah right), and that he wanted me to know that he wasn’t afraid to talk to me (yeah right). So I kind of chat, but I hella don’t want to talk to him because I’m not attracted to him whatsoever and he’s kind of bungling nervous and it starts making me uncomfortable. So finally, he gets up and leaves.

I see this girl who was doing planks, and her ass and thighs were so curvy and toned, she looked like she was made out of plastic. Her ass and legs looked the way GI Joe’s would look if they were designed by horny gay men. And the thing was, she was Asian! Asian girls don’t have butts. I saw her though, and all I could think of was, “Good for you, sista.” Her body was rockin’.

I try to ride the bike for a little bit, and I can see guys circling a little bit. I avoid eye contact when they walk by because I don’t want a conversation to happen. The first guy who had spoken for his friend comes up to me and sits on a bike. He says, “I don’t even want to ride the bike. I just want to talk to you. My friend came back and said he thought maybe he had mis-assessed the situation, and I told him, no, I think she shot you down. How you expect to get a girl like that if you walk around like a pussy?” I asked, “Why would you say something like that to your friend? That’s mean.” He laughs and says, “I was just kidding. But I wanna talk to you. My friend told me not to talk to you, that you looked like some kind of hardcore kickboxer or something and you could kick my ass if I wasn’t careful with what I said.” I said, “Naw, I’m nice.” But then I ask him, “So if your friend is so into me, then wouldn’t he be pissed that you’re sitting here, trying to talk to me?” He says, “No, we work as a team.” But then he thinks about it and asks, “Do you really think he’d be pissed?”

I thought about what probably transpired between the two. This dude (Christopher), who’s totally better looking than his friend, is insecure so he keeps an ugly friend around. When he sees a girl he wants to hit on, he convinces his ugly friend that he should totally try something. So he pretends to play instigator by introducing himself to the girl and acting like his friend wants to meet her. Then he eggs on his friend to make an approach, at which point he will inevitably be shot down, because he’s being sent into a situation where he’s in way over his head. So this friend, the better looking friend, comes back around and apologizes for his awkward friend, then goes in for the kill. Basically, it’s like a reverse bait and switch. He comes up, and says his friend digs you. The friend turns out ugly. But the good looking friend apologizes and then hits on you, letting you know that he’s a better choice anyway.

Boys and their games.

So I told him, yeah, it totally sucks that he’s trying to talk to me after he tried to get his friend to make an approach. It’s like throwing his friend under a train to make himself look good. This guy didn’t know what to make of me and I just stopped talking to him. So finally, he took the hint, said, I didn’t even want to ride the bike, I just wanted to talk. But I just smiled and went back to watching TV, so he left.

I went back to the mat and did some abs. I saw this guy who kept circling closer and closer to me. He kind of looked like Derek Fisher and had a nice energy to him, kind of Leo-ish. So we made eye contact a few times and smiled, and at one point, I saw him standing by a machine looking like he was rehearsing something. So finally, I see him make an approach. He was going for the, “Hey, don’t I know you” angle, but just as he walked up, I turned my head as though I didn’t realize he was about to make a move. Okay, I admit, I just wanted to see how he would adjust. So he stopped and kind of looked unsure of himself, then walked away. It was like a plane going in to land, but then taking off again. So I watched him circle some more, but then he walked up. “Haven’t you been stretching for a while? Are you gonna work out at all?” I needed him to repeat it a couple of times until I realized he
was making a joke. I laughed and he seemed relieved that his approach hadn’t been completely turned down. He kept stopping by and talking to me, then he told me that he really liked the boxing class that was going on in the aerobics room. He asked me if I ever did it. I said that I’d done it once, but I also liked the boot camp class on Wednesdays. He said that he would be interested in checking out that class, then said that maybe he’d see me around. I neglected to say that I don’t go to that class anymore because I just joined Toastmasters so I’m at those meetings on Wednesdays. But I liked that guy’s energy.

Everything else was okay. I didn’t see the two really buff and intense girls who circle each other and don’t seem to know whether they want to fuck each other or fight each other. I did watch this one trainer that I always watch. He watches me when I’m not looking, and I watch him when he’s not looking. Sometimes we accidentally make eye contact and we nod at each other like we’re totally strangers, but we keep an eye on each other. He’s the type of guy who’s bad news. I wonder if he thinks I’m the type of girl who’s bad news. Because we keep our distance from each other, but we’re always watching.

I would like to go again and see what else I can do with the color red in the next week or so.

For now, I’ll be heading out of town to see what kind of trouble I can get into in the Texan heat.

When this is your favorite song:

…you must be ovulating. It always makes me think of a big shiny disco ball in a dark ballroom. But it’s so bad it’s good…

Six Feet Under Finale Clip

One of the greatest endings to one of the greatest shows ever on TV…this ending never fails to make me cry.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

interesting weekend. very interesting weekend. i had both my family in town as well as aubrey and candice for warren’s going away party. ran into two people i used to date on the same day, and ironically, i was always worried that one of them would end up being like the other. i realized they’re very different people. had the hottest girl in the bar come up and talk to me, telling me that she’s been watching me all night and that she really likes my style. she was one of those chill girls that radiates an interesting energy, style, confidence plus incredible looks. pradeep, lauren’s fiance, really wanted me to get her number just to have gotten it because she was that hot. but then i told him that i’ve never made out with a girl before; i might be willing to try if the girl is cool enough, but there’s no way i can have sex with a woman because it just really grosses me out. but i was flattered, because i took it not so much like a girl hitting on another girl, as one cool girl with great energy who’s spreading joy around a room seeing someone else who also has great energy and is spreading joy around a room, and walking up and saying, “hey, i like what you’re doing. keep it up.” that was really cool. i talked to a lot of strangers last night and every interaction was positive, no drama.

One thing I’ve learned this weekend. If you are in a great place in your life, there are people who are going to want to get close to you. Either they want to be around your energy, or they want to know how you’re doing it. Some people can get clingy, but when you meet other people who are also feeling good because they’re in a really good place in their lives, it’s like two ships passing in the night and all the people aboard are really happy to see each other and acknowledge each other, and then you move along on your way.

Also, try not to hold grudges. Life is too short. And if you ever meet up with someone out there who’s hurt you, kill ’em with kindness. There’s nothing sweeter, because you are showing that no matter your history or past hurt, you’re still able to celebrate yourself and be a big person.

The Affair You Don’t Know You’re Having
By Heather Johnson Durocher

I’ll call him John.

The first time we met, he actually struck me as a bit arrogant. He irritated me enough that I mentioned him to my husband in a “Can you believe this guy?” kind of way. But I interacted with John only occasionally, always through work and mostly over e-mail, so it wasn’t a huge deal. He’s just one of those people who gets under my skin, I told myself.

But a little over a year into our working relationship, something changed. One day, John let down his guard with me and I responded, I suppose in part because I couldn’t help but be curious about his mostly hidden soft side. Our conversations turned to easy banter and later — I have a hard time admitting this even now — flirtation. Our e-mails, which could number several in one day, never included outright expressions of affection toward each other. Instead, our notes were mostly business peppered with friendly sparring. We shared a similar sense of humor. I felt that he got me.

I told myself I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I had to talk with this guy for work, after all. And couldn’t I have a friend who happened to be male? I also told my husband about him, even sharing when we’d meet for coffee or lunch (always scheduled with the intention of discussing business). My husband, busy with a demanding job, trusted me completely.

In the midst of working part-time and caring for a preschooler, a toddler, and, later, a new baby, e-mailing and talking with John felt like an innocent escape. I never would have said at the time that I was in a bad marriage — my husband and I got along well; we just didn’t have a lot of quality alone time together — and I had no intention of crossing any physical line. But I increasingly found myself sharing more and more of my hopes and dreams with John instead of just with my husband. I anticipated my regular interactions with John in a way that was all too consuming. And it was John — not my husband — who was beginning to fill a key emotional need in my life. I was, in fact, unknowingly cheating on my husband; I was having an emotional affair.

More Than Just Friends

The signs of an emotional affair may be more subtle than those of a sexual affair, but they’re just as unmistakable. “An emotional affair happens when you put the bulk of your emotions into the hands of somebody outside of your marriage,” explains psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman, author of Emotional Infidelity.

It’s not so much that you’re not talking with your husband — there’s always stuff to discuss, thanks to kids and mortgages — but you’re not sharing with him. Your innermost thoughts, funny jokes, and interesting personal experiences are saved up and spilled to the other guy instead of your spouse. And even if you never so much as touch him, this emotional attachment has just as much potential as a sexual fling to damage your marriage. “We only have so much emotional energy; the more of it we spend outside of our marriage, the less we have inside our marriage,” says Neuman. “And after a while, we simply do not have enough emotions and love and caring and time for both.”

While emotional affairs are not a totally new phenomenon — the late Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., wrote about them in her groundbreaking 2003 book, NOT “Just Friends” — experts agree that they’re on the rise. “Emotional affairs are happening more often because so many of us feel emotionally isolated,” says relationship expert Steven Stosny, Ph.D., coauthor of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

Whether it’s because of our demanding jobs and packed schedules or the hours we spend on the Internet instead of with our families, friends, and communities, we’ve become increasingly distanced both physically and emotionally from other people, including our spouses. And when we’re not regularly sharing our lives and feelings with those close to us, we ultimately begin to feel that they’ve stopped caring. “This feeling of emotional detachment plants the seeds for an emotional affair,” says Stosny, “because when you feel emotionally detached from your husband, you are faced with a choice — either to improve the bond you share with him or to look elsewhere to get your needs met.” And working to improve your marriage is just that: work — work that’s a lot less alluring than a little special attention from someone new.

That’s where the affair partner comes in. Having another guy turn his focus onto you, even if only in friendship, can be dangerously seductive. I can attest to that firsthand: When I started my relationship with John, I wasn’t even aware of the resentment I felt toward my husband over the long hours he spent away from me and our kids at his job. To complicate matters, I was grappling with my sense of self. I second-guessed my new roles as a wife and mother: Was I being the best parent I could be by only working part-time from home? Should I work more so I could help our family’s finances? Or scrap the job thing altogether and more fully embrace this precious time with my children? What about my hobbies and interests? What was it again that I liked to do anyway?

Enter John: a guy who understood what I did for a living and made me laugh wholeheartedly. When I spoke with him, I felt smart and beautiful, sexy even, because he respected what I had to say and engaged me in intense and stimulating conversation. It wasn’t that my husband wasn’t able to do these things; he’d provided all that and more, especially during our early years together. But as time wore on, we were simply so mired in caring for our kids and making sure the bills were paid that our emotional connection waned. John didn’t know me as a wife or mother, but simply as a woman. He was someone who reminded me of the person I used to be — and perhaps hoped to find again.

An emotional affair also offers the thrill of the forbidden without crossing any physical lines. “You know it’s wrong, that it’s taboo,” says Stosny. “That’s what makes it provocative and rousing.” When Rebecca Smith,* a 39-year-old mother of two from Annapolis, MD, began regularly e-mailing with her friend Lyle, her youngest child had just started kindergarten and her husband was working longer hours. Exchanging e-mails with Lyle was a welcome diversion, not only because it filled her downtime but because their often silly, sometimes sexually charged notes were a far cry from her conversations with her husband. “My husband can be kind of negative, and Lyle has a more optimistic outlook on life. We often had these sparring conversations. It was intellectually stimulating for me,” she says. “And the more we e-mailed, the more I found myself magnetized to him and fantasizing about what my life would be like if we were together.”

Too Close for Comfort

Once you’re drawn into an emotional affair, it can feel so good that you don’t want to stop. In fact, not having sex may make the connection seem all the more powerful. It feels genuine, romantic even, and isn’t easy to let go of because it’s so “safe” — or so it appears. But inevitably, you start unfairly comparing your husband to this other man, says Neuman, which compounds the damage. “You don’t have the stresses of everyday life together, so the new guy can be very humorous, very cute, and very giving,” he says. “You go back to your spouse and you’re comparing him to this guy in pieces: He’ll never be as handsome as this guy or as funny as this guy or as giving as this guy.” While emotional affairs rarely break up couples, they can leave a marriage torn and tattered. “The affair saps so much emotional energy and core values away from your relationship,” says Stosny, “that you’ll undoubtedly feel guilty and irritable and blame your husband for these bad feelings.”

Another sure sign your “innocent” friendship has gotten out of control: You would be embarrassed for your husband to witness your interactions or to know what you
are thinking about when you’re with this other guy. And once you start keeping secrets, even “innocent” ones, your intimacy with your main man suffers even more. Toni Richards, 40, a mother of four from Wiley, TX, who had an emotional affair with a former coworker, says that as she grew closer to Bobby, she began to flat-out avoid her husband. “I wasn’t even sleeping in the same bed as my husband. In a sense, I didn’t want to be next to him because I worried he would know that something was going on, that I would say something in my sleep,” she says. “I started pulling away from him and I didn’t talk to him as much.”

And of course, with every emotionally engaging or sexually charged conversation or e-mail, phone call, or meeting, taking your affair to the physical level becomes the obvious (though by no means inevitable) next step. “The longer you continue an emotional affair, the greater the chance it will become physical,” says Stosny. The first time Bobby asked Toni to meet him for dinner, which meant she had to lie to her husband about where she was going after work, she agreed. “We didn’t kiss, but we held hands and sat next to each other — closer than friends should be sitting,” she says. In a matter of weeks, she knew that Bobby was ready to get physical. After wrestling internally with the idea of being with him — and realizing that she didn’t want things to go down that path — she decided to break off the connection with Bobby entirely. “It was a hard choice, but I still loved my husband and didn’t want to ruin my marriage any more than I already had,” she says.

Getting Out

Even after you’ve recognized your emotional affair and the damage it’s causing your marriage, slamming on the brakes is easier said than done. Says Stosny, “Many emotional affairs turn almost obsessive simply because you never had sex to consummate your fantasies.” It took months for Rebecca to tear herself away from Lyle, even after her husband came across an e-mail from Lyle and called her out on their too friendly exchange. He demanded that she show him all of her e-mails with Lyle, which she did, and asked her to stop talking with him. She agreed, but secretly maintained contact. As time went on, though, she says, “I became riddled with guilt and grew increasingly aware of how my time and energy spent on Lyle was taking away from my family, from myself. But I couldn’t help myself.” In fact, she still hasn’t completely cut ties with Lyle. “We still e-mail now and again,” she says. “I’m just more guarded with him.”

As tough as it is, quitting the relationship cold turkey is the best way to move past an emotional affair for real and for good. “Setting boundaries for continued contact will only raise the taboo level and, along with it, the excitement, the obsessions, and the motivation,” says Stosny.

The aftermath of an emotional affair can have an upside: “Failing your own values can make you more committed to them in the future,” says Stosny. So consider the experience a wake-up call to what is missing not only in your relationship but also within yourself. “I realized that if I can’t talk to my husband the way I talk to Bobby, then there’s a big problem that I need to fix first in my marriage,” says Toni. And while Stosny and Neuman say it’s not imperative that you admit your affair to your husband — in fact, you may even hurt him needlessly by doing so — some women don’t feel like they can fully move on unless they come clean. After she cut things off with Bobby, Toni opted to tell her husband about the situation. “He was hurt that I’d been sharing personal thoughts with another man,” she says, “but he was mostly relieved that nothing physical had happened.” The couple is in the midst of trying to find a marital counselor, and Toni is hopeful she can rebuild her marriage.

Severing your connection to the other man — whether or not you ever tell your husband about him — is only step one. You also need to funnel all the energy you were putting into your affair back into your marriage. And while setting aside more time to spend with each other — away from kids and other couples — is important for patching things up and maintaining intimacy in your marriage, it’s just as crucial to adopt a new attitude toward your guy. “Emotional connection is a mental state,” says Stosny. “You choose to feel connected to your husband. You decide to be loving and compassionate toward him. You will feel emotionally bonded and sexually stimulated with your husband because you’ve committed yourself and all your positive energies to him — and he’ll definitely pick up on the vibes you’re giving off.”

Nurturing your relationship is the emergency care it needs to heal. But for long-term marital health, you also need to nurture yourself. Trying out a new hobby, getting involved in your community, or tapping into your spiritual side can help you recover from — and prevent you from having — an emotional affair. “When you have more interests in your life, you have less of a desire to find something exciting and taboo to intrigue you,” says Stosny. “Plus, you’ll lead a richer, fuller life with less emotionally needy gaps.” After cooling things down with Lyle, Rebecca decided to refocus those energies on her guy and the other people close to her. “I can’t expect that my husband is going to meet every emotional need in my life, so I’m reaching out to my girlfriends and spending more time with my family.” She also recently signed up for a handwriting-analysis class, something she’s always been interested in learning about, “just for fun and to get my mind on something else,” she says.

For me, my emotional involvement with John ebbed and flowed for nearly two years. It reached a tipping point when I could no longer ignore the fact that my husband and I were fighting more often, no doubt in part because of my refusal to focus on my marriage and on how my own actions were adding to our growing friction. Like Toni, I eventually decided to share my struggle with my husband, who handled it with incredible grace. The conversation wasn’t only about me turning to someone else; we also spoke, perhaps for the first time, about what we really expected and needed from each other. It’s a discussion that continues to evolve between us. I still think about John sometimes — and how my relationship with him could have destroyed everything I hold dear. Each day, I make a conscious decision to nurture my bond with my husband first and foremost. And as our relationship grows stronger, I realize I’m getting as good as I give.

Did you know?: 82% of affairs happen with someone who was at first “just a friend,” according to noted infidelity researcher Shirley P. Glass.

Are You in an Emotional Affair?

YOU’VE PROBABLY CROSSED THE LINE IF YOU…

* Touch your male friend in “legal” ways, like picking lint off his blazer.
* Pay extra attention to how you look before you see him.
* Think crush-like thoughts like, He’d love this song!
* Tell him more details about your day than you do your partner.
* No longer feel comfortable telling your husband about this person and begin to cover up your relationship.
* Experience increasing sexual tension; you admit your attraction to him but also insist to yourself that you would never act on it.

IT’S ABOUT TO GET PHYSICAL WHEN YOU…

* Find yourself feeling vulnerable and turn to the other man for support rather than to your husband or a trusted relative or girlfriend.
* Accelerate the level of intimacy through sexual or suggestive talk over e-mail or the phone.
* Put yourself in a situation where the two of you could be alone.

TO FORTIFY YOUR MARRIAGE…

* Stay honest with your husband. Share with him all your hopes, triumphs, and failures — as well as your attractions and temptations, which will help keep you from acting on them.
* Make time for just the two of you on a regular basis — away from the kids, your friends, and family.
*
Surround yourself with happily married friends who don’t believe in fooling around. Having positive, emotionally connected role models will help you stay on track

“READERS REVEAL I KNEW I’D GONE TOO FAR WHEN. . .”

“The guy who I was flirting with regularly over e-mail attended the same event as me and my fiancé. When I introduced them, my face flushed as red as a tomato — I felt embarrassed and guilty about my fiancé meeting this guy, so I knew what I was doing was wrong.” —Carolyn, 31, Westfield, NJ

“One drunken night, my best guy friend and I confessed we had always liked each other. He was a perfect gentleman and left my place before we crossed the physical line. The next day I was completely embarrassed and knew that I didn’t want to jeopardize the relationship with my boyfriend so I ended the friendship. And now the boyfriend is my husband, so I’m glad I did.” —Allie, 29, Yonkers, NY

“The cute tech guy who I’d been flirting with at my office said to me, ‘You’re not going to invite me in?’ after I accepted a ride home from him. I liked the attention of him buying me vending machine snacks and complimenting me, but my husband would’ve had a holy heart attack if he knew.” —Amy, 38, Chicago

“My best guy friend and I were snuggled on his couch underneath a blanket when I realized that neither his girlfriend nor my boyfriend would be happy if they saw us — and that our platonic relationship wasn’t as platonic as we thought.” —Kim, 35, New Orleans

*Names have been changed.

Great article find by Rebecca (not sure from where so I’ll cite when I know). My take on guys with major issues…if you’ve got the time and energy and really have nothing (or no one) better to do, pursue at your own risk because there’s always one in a 1000 that ends up letting go of their crap. But know going in that you should maintain very strong boundaries, and do not, do not, do not give away your heart. Even if your pet project is that one in a 1000 that gets fixed, he’ll always know you’ve seen him at his worst so chances are, you won’t get to keep him anyway.

******

Repeat this to yourself one thousand times:
Screwed-up people are not more interesting than people with their heads together. Baggage is not fascinating, romantic, or exciting. It is very, very tiring. Men who are polite and emotionally mature are hot. Learn it, love it, live by it.

Linda
I have no idea whom to blame for the romantic mythology surrounding brooding, emotionally limited, narcissistic yahoos. I’m tempted to chalk it up to movies, where most men who start out as selfish jerks are eventually revealed to be wounded birds of some sort. Or it might be the uglier side of the therapy culture, which tempts you with the idea that these jerks might be amenable to solution, like crossword puzzles.

For whatever reason, there are a surprising number of women who are attracted to guys who can’t commit, who can’t relate, who can’t get along with anyone, who can’t tell the truth… these guys get a lot of action.

It’s not that women really want jerks, exactly. I think it’s a matter of mistaking emotional clutter for emotional complexity. Here’s an analogy: Imagine a messy apartment. You walk in, you survey your surroundings, and there’s an incredible quantity of stuff lying around. Books in tall stacks, Chinese food containers in the corners, DVDs in and out of boxes scattered around the TV… the place is in chaos. And while you wouldn’t really want to live there, there might be some part of you that would look around and grudgingly admit, “There’s a lot going on here.” Now, imagine the same apartment, once somebody has managed to get it cleaned up. The books are on the shelves, the trash is thrown away, the DVDs are alphabetized. This is a much nicer place to live. But it’s a little… you know, boring. And that’s in spite of the fact that the same books are being read, the same food is being eaten, and the same DVDs are being watched. You’re just in the presence of a person who knows how to clean up after himself.

I think that for a lot of women, guys in turmoil seem strangely fascinating, as if they are, by definition, more interesting than everyone else. There’s more of that clutter, so there’s more going on, and there’s more to sink your teeth into, and there’s maybe even more emotional depth to such a person.

Let me tell you something about the guys I know who are emotionally mature. The ranks of the healthy and rational include plenty of guys who have been in rehab, or been divorced, or seen their parents’ marriages end horribly, or had their own dreams thwarted in some ugly way—all the things that creeps are fond of waving around as explanations for why they lie or cheat on you or generally continue to be creeps.

The difference is that the healthy and rational people have at least undertaken the process of digesting all of that stuff and placing it in some sort of perspective so that it doesn’t have to become your problem. They know from suffering, just as much as the ones who sit around brooding into their beers and writing free verse and dragging everyone else into their little theater of agony. The sane ones are still working on their crap, too—who isn’t? The difference is that they’re not fetishizing their own misery or asking you to embrace it. And that’s a benefit to you, because the only thing you can guarantee yourself about that kind of hair-pulling drama is that if you cuddle up next to it, it’ll get on you.

You’re going to get plenty of emotional complications from anyone. Even people who have their lives very well pulled together are going to give you lots of opportunities to practice patience and understanding. There’s no point in starting out with someone who isn’t even trying.

Evan
According to Linda, many intelligent women prefer men with emotional complexities, even if it means that he can be verbally abusive, inaccessible, and generally loonier than Courtney Love on a bender. Now, I can’t speak for all men, but while I may have tolerated similar behavior, I can’t say I’ve ever preferred it. Any time I found myself dating a woman who was an emotional roller-coaster, the only reasons I stuck with her were because a) I was lonely and her presence in my life helped to fill a void or b) I was getting the best sex of my life. Lame, but true.

Put another way: Could you ever picture a man saying out loud, “There’s something that’s just so mysterious about her. Sometimes I look in her eyes and I feel like she totally understands me, and other times, I have no idea what she’s thinking. She runs really hot and cold but I can’t get enough of her. I think I’m going to stick around until I can crack her shell. One day she’ll learn to be more emotionally available and loving.” Tolerance for female ambivalence is not a stereotypically male attribute.

This isn’t at all to castigate women, as much as it is to acknowledge that women see more nuance in every scenario, so it’s no surprise that they give undeserving men the benefit of the doubt. But what for? Hasn’t every woman since the beginning of time had a thing for jerks and realized at some point that jerks were always going to be jerks?

I was the nice guy in high school who enjoyed being friends with cute girls who wouldn’t go out with me in a million years. I figured, “If that’s as close as I can get, I’ll take it. Maybe one day they’ll realize what I’m worth.” I would listen to boy problems galore — essentially, nice girls being treated badly by jerks — and not once did any of these girls ever say: “Hmm, Evan’s a great guy with a really kick-ass mullet. I’ll bet he’d be a wonderful boyfriend.”

But it’s not simply the rejection of the nice guy that’s keeping so many women single. It’s the acceptance of the screwed-up guy. Because screwed-up guys draw screwed-up women into a whole Misery Loves Company episode of Love Connection—where both parties are brought together not by the audience but by their insecurities and inadequacies.

All that “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself” stuff? So true. And if you’re choosing to date guys with major issues, you’re just as guilty as he is. Yes, everybody’s got issues, but not necessarily deal-breaker-type issues. Which is why women often say they’re seeking men who can fit their baggage in a carry-on. Unfortunately, there are lot of men who try to sneak a 75-pound trunk onto the plane and protest that it has wheels so it’s technically a carry-on. Women with issues are the ones who choose these guys.

Women who have their act together simply don’t have the patience. Admittedly, there are a few people who probably enjoy the histrionics and the moods and the make-up sex that come with dating drama kings and queens. But I’d bet that most are just willing to tolerate the drama, because, thus far, that drama comes attached to the “best” person they could find. Essentially, they’re saying, “Yeah, he’s inconsistent, selfish, and distant, but he’s all mine.” Just realize that every second you’re spending with the wrong guy is a second that you’re not out looking for the right one — the guy who gives, the guy who listens, the guy who learns.

Brain. Shut up.

How come there are certain people who come into your life and make you feel so angry, but when you look into your heart and try to find what it really is you want to say to them, you realize it’s:

I’M SORRY.

radiating from every fiber of your being. And as soon as those words appear in your head, you feel like you’re apologizing not just for the current perceived slight but for some grievance you made in another lifetime that this person has suffered immense hurt from, and all you’re begging them for is to forgive you and let you go.

Is karma for real?

I Pathologically Can’t Tell a Straightforward Truth

I decided I didn’t want to take piano lessons because I feel my instructor has become fascinated with me and it makes me a little nervous. Especially when he’s become fond of touching me and massaging my lower back in a friendly fashion during the lesson, and asking a lot of questions about my personal life. I’m also having trouble because he’s not teaching in a way that works around my unique sensory perception/memory issue. Our last lesson was very tense, with me being frustrated about the way he was teaching, and also freaked out that he was trying to get into my head.

So I dreaded Tuesday, the day of my lesson more and more, until finally last night I made a decision that I would not go to my piano lesson, even though I forfeit $70 that I’d already prepaid. I would rather lose the money than go. So I realized I had to cancel, but as I started writing an email to my instructor saying that work had just gotten busy so I wouldn’t be able to take lessons for a while, I realized that writing all this via email would make it seem suspicious, like I was just afraid of going because last week’s lesson was awkward. I knew I would have to call, but then I worried that an excuse of being really busy working overtime might cover not being able to schedule lessons in the short term, but he might ask me to schedule in a couple of months or he might check in with me periodically, thus delaying the ending of this relationship. So I decide that I’m going to tell him that I’m quitting my job which he knows I’m often frustrated with, and that everything is going to be up in the air from now on so I don’t want to commit to lessons.

So I call him and I’m so glad to get his answering machine. I start telling the machine how my work situation is really, really up in the air right now because I’m pretty sure I’m going to quit my job by the end of this month because I just can’t stand my boss, and so I’m working overtime to finish up all of my current projects so that I can get out of here clean next month. So I’m saying how I just won’t be able to make my lesson today or schedule more, he picks up and goes, “Julia? I want to talk to you about this but I can’t focus the way I want to because I have a friend here and have to finish up this conversation first. But I’ll call you right back.”

So we hang up and I think, “Shit.” Now I have to keep my story straight AND have to do this whole act from the beginning again.

So he calls me back and I go into my barely contained panic as I tell him that I just can’t stay at my job anymore because it’s become too ridiculous and how I’m probably going to leave at the end of next month, but I don’t know where I’m going to go and if I’m even going to stay in Los Angeles because I can’t stand this city either. He tells me it seems like I have a lot going on and I told him that I’ve been needing to quit this job for a while, and things just came to a head. And how I have two mortgages and I don’t know how I’m going to handle those, but I’m just going to do what I need to do, whether I get another job, do some traveling or move out of this city. He tells me that he hopes that I will revisit the lessons at a later time and not to hesitate to let him know if I need anything from him. And then he asks me, “I remember our very interesting conversation during the last lesson, where you divulged some private information about yourself.” Oh holy shit, he’s bringing it up (I had explained to him how my brain works. How people thought I had problems with my hearing but I realized later in life that I have trouble comprehending spoken word unless I can envision it in writing. So throughout the years, I’ve developed the ability to hear words, immediately translate them into text and flash them like subtitles so that I can read what was said. That’s why people with accents mess me up…I mispell words. Or that’s why if your name is something weird that I can’t spell, then I can’t imagine it as text and I’ll never remember your name. Because I never “saw” it and can’t retrieve the text when I want to say it. So we had a conversation because he teaches me songs by ear, but won’t write them down as sheet music which makes it had for me to memorize without a visual record to go with it). Anyway, I didn’t want to talk about it because that lesson had made me uncomfortable, and so I just started talking about how my brother’s autistic and maybe my brain is programmed differently so it processes things differently, and it got into this discussion I couldn’t get out of. So I would pause, hoping he would wrap up the call, but he would just let the silence hang, until I reiterated that I had a lot going and didn’t have room for lessons. This started up another conversation where he found out my age and was telling me that in Chinese, the character for “crisis” is made up of the character for “danger” and the character for “opportunity.” This is interesting because I had a feeling of deja vu. I feel like someone was just telling me that, but I don’t know whom. So I said again that I would be really busy with so many things up in the air, and then paused, hoping he would wrap up the call, but he just let the silence hang. This time, I as resolute not to be the first to speak and continue this conversation so finally he let me go.

Okay.

Yes, I admit, a stronger person would have just said, hey, I don’t want to take piano lessons anymore because I just don’t feel like it’s working out, or if you’re really daring, you can say, I just feel uncomfortable.

Yet, I create this whole emotional event that I’m going through that involves potentially a move out of Los Angeles, maybe some soul-searching, but definitely two mortgages that may or may not get paid but I just have to do this right now because I’m going to kill my boss if I don’t, and because of my life being so traumatic and up in the air right now, I can’t take piano lessons anymore.

Sometimes when I get really scared, this is how I hide.

I make up crazy stories that could be true in a future or slightly modified reality, just to avoid saying, you made me uncomfortable. You made me scared.

I wonder what’s so scary about openly acknowledging someone who has gotten too close to you and scared you. I wonder what happens when you acknowledge someone who is presenting unwanted intimacy.