last night i admitted to someone that i am a ghost.
i knew he was going to ask me out. it had been brewing for a few months. but i have been switching up my schedule so that people can’t find me, and i had been deflecting his feeler inquiries into my status because i’ve been working really hard lately on whatever it is i’m working on, focusing my energy, understanding personal power and my path. i have to stay focused. but he finally did it. he was polite about it, a little awkward. and his energy felt kind, so i never like to discourage anyone who is kind and positive by nature. so i agreed, looking forward to it as much as i was apprehensive. would i be able to act like a normal human being, not revealing too much about this other side of me? would i be fun and interesting and lighthearted, considering i’ve been intensely plumbing the spiritual depths for so long? would i come off like a sex-craved animal considering i’m going at least 10 months strong on withholding sex from myself? would i sexually assault him? is that necessarily a bad thing?
we went to dinner and had pleasant conversation. small talk. i was still safe. normal flirting, i was interesting, funny, letting him make tiny discoveries that i am full of surprises. remembering that i’m a very good first date. he surprised me as well. intelligent, cultured, a soothing comfortable energy. he dropped compliments that he found me attractive. then religion came up. i was cautious. said i was spiritual, but not religious, but i appreciated religion as a way for people to find their path to spirituality, the way some people didn’t need to go to college to be successful in their career path, while others used college to help them gain the knowledge to where they wanted to go. i didn’t believe in religion as the end all be all because i felt it was a method to achieve spirituality, and i definitely didn’t believe in any religion that spouted obedience by manipulating people’s fear and shame. but i believed that there is a greater power, and that we all belong to it as much as it belongs to us. he said that he believed jesus is the way. the subject passed.
we went to a piano bar. it was a really good time. he really wanted to get me drunk. 4 tequila shots, the only thing that doesn’t make me sick. defenses failing. true self coming out. i wanted to kiss him, even though i wasn’t sure if i liked him in a way in which i wanted to build anything together, where i could commit to showing up and consistently being the same person. it’s strictly chemicals coursing through my blood. like i said, sometimes it’s like that with me. born on venus raised on mars. primal mentality. almost a years worth of sexual energy pent up to force creative output, but still crafty about a more electric release. but it’s just about the release, the conquest. one and done. catch and release. never hunt and kill, but still…a loss of interest. leave and move on to another chase. cast a cheap pallor on everything else exchanged that had actually been sincere and real. so i withheld myself.
he is circling closer. he says he’s blown away, that he liked me before, but now that he’s discovered this whole other spiritual side to me, he’s blown away. uh oh. he sees. i might freak you out, i say. nothing you could say or do could freak me out, he says. don’t say i didn’t warn you, i say.
we go back to his place. turn down the lights. turn on some music. relax. he does not come on to me. he gives me my space so i am not scared. so the words come. the words come like a broken radio i can’t turn off because it’s not plugged in. he sat there, fixated, motionless. words going by that made sense to him, about his childhood, his life experience, his purpose. things that i didn’t know why i seemed to know, thoughts, ideas and observations that seemed to come from someone who knew him better than i did, and i was just a 3rd party listening in on this conversation.
i was explaining to him that he’s a special person, that he’s had a hard life but having gone to hell and back, having looked at utter destruction of the self dead in the face and facing a decision to give up on yourself or save yourself because you realize you care about yourself, you’re stronger. you’ve learned what true courage is, and that you have it in you. because you looked death in the eye and you said, i want to live. and after that, you know that nothing can hurt you, that there’s nothing in this world that you could ever be afraid of. don’t be afraid to stand up and be amazing. be amazing in your own unique way, because every single person in this world has a special talent. it may not look like mine, it may not look like other people’s that you admire, but you have something to offer this world that only you have, so you have to show people. in fact, i don’t know what it is, but i know you do. he nodded. don’t doubt yourself, i said. your path is to share your exceptionalness with those around you, so that they can also recognize their own power, and so they can pass along the knowledge.
these words. these words and phrases and ideas. they just kept spilling out from a place close to the right side of my head and out of my mouth. i was surprised by how wise and confident they were, considering i had no control over them and didn’t feel like i was making things up, performing a magic trick. this was making sense to him. what was happening in the moment, was completely unexpected, but we both could feel it was important. and i was learning from these words at the same time he was absorbing it.
when i was done, he bowed his head, processing. then he looked up and said, “thank you. i am grateful that you chose to communicate with me.” i said your welcome.
but then the other part of me got conscious, insecure. “that was weird, what just happened, right?”
he smiled and nodded sincerely. “yeah, that was definitely unusual and unique.”
i was a little embarrassed and a little terrified. “i don’t know how i do that. it’s like something is speaking through me and just using me to deliver it.”
“i think god speaks through you.” he was serious.
“i don’t know where it comes from, but i know it’s a positive energy that changes people’s lives.”
he takes his time to gather his thoughts before he speaks, slowly.
“i know that i will remember you for the rest of my life. i will remember the time you granted to spend with me, and the message you gave me. there are times when you realize you will always remember someone, and i know, in this moment, that i will always remember you, because this has been significant.”
i’m blown away. this man is so incredibly honest, and i’m grateful to him beyond words. he is looking at me in the way that i know he’s surprised to suddenly find that he’s in love with me, and i am suddenly feeling self-conscious, shy.
“be careful,” i say.
a tiny smile around his lips. “of what?”
“i can’t let anyone get close to me.”
“why?”
“because if i love someone, if i commit to someone, i will want to give all this energy to one person. and my gut tells me that this is selfish, to only give to one person. that i’m not living up to my potential of the positive changes i could help other people with, even though i hope that some day, this path will be complete so i can settle down and live a normal life with people close to me.”
my loneliness is radiating out of my chest, overwhelming me, almost a physical sadness. a part of me wants him to say, you don’t have to do this anymore…it’s okay.
“you’re of the wind. you’re like a gypsy, going where you’re needed. it’s very cool. what you do is a good thing that the world needs, so it’s important that you keep doing it.”
my heart sinks. i wanted to be off the hook.
he looks at me for a long time, and i get a little nervous. i don’t like it when people direct all their attention a
t me when it’s just me. because i am not it. he asks me if i want any water, any ice cream, anything to make me more comfortable. he’s very concerned. i tell him not to worry about me. he says, “i want to give you a present. i just don’t know what yet, but i want to give you a present.”
i say, “why? you don’t have to give me anything.”
he says, “i feel like you just gave me a lot, and i want to give you something back.”
i say, “it’s okay. you don’t have to give me anything.”
he asks me, “what do you get out of this? delivering these messages to people?”
no one has ever cared enough to ask me that. he surprises me.
“if these messages help people discover their true paths, they’ll find peace and contentment in their hearts. they’ll radiate love which will in turn, affect the people around them. it makes this world a better place by expanding awareness of our connections with each other, and this is important to me, because this is the path i serve. i remind people that there is a greater power out there, and not to lose faith in themselves and their own unique paths. in terms of just for me, it’s like if we didn’t have such things are mirrors, you would never be able to see what you look like. i have no accurate mirror. i don’t understand what this is, what happens, because it’s like i go into another room, but i can hear what’s going on, but i can’t see. i have no idea what i look like, how people perceive me, what i look like from the outside when this is happening. when i have this type of connection with someone, usually they’ll give me something, a clue that helps me understand who i am, what i am. because i honestly have no idea, and it tortures me to not know what i look like. i’ve always felt like my life purpose, i’m searching for an answer to a question i don’t even know. and i keep searching and searching. but then i meet someone and have a connection like we just did, and it’s like, unexpectedly, we find that i am the answer to their question.” he nods enthusiastically. “it’s unbelievable but it’s true,” he says.
“when i tell people these things and they realize that what is happening is the answer to something they’ve been searching for whether or not they were conscious of it, like a key and a lock, my hope is that they’ve gained enough understanding to explain to me, what is the question that i have just answered? because i seem to be answering the same question, because it’s similar people in similar stages of their lives that are drawn to me. that is ultimately what i’m trying to understand. it’s so mysterious and frustrating. but i think that a lot of us are like that. we are the unique answers to a lot of other people’s soul questions, and when we meet, the riddle is complete, even though each side doesn’t necessarily know which mystery was just given light. you are the unique answer for certain people’s questions, and you know this when you meet them and a whole other level reveals itself.”
he nods. “thank you. thank you for spending this time with me. what you do is almost like divine communication, it’s a power that comes from inside you that that is so positive and full of love, that a person who hears the message opens up and also responds to you with love. it’s an incredible and beautiful experience. there is a part of me now that truly and deeply cares for you.”
the me that is not fully developed hears this and gets scared, even though the higher part of me asks me to calm down. “you have to be careful. i don’t know how to let people get close to me because it’s terrifying to me. i try to live gently and carefully, but i’ve also got defenses that are not nice to keep people out that i can’t control yet so i don’t want to accidentally hurt you. just know that the message has nothing to do with the messenger, that i’m a fucked up flawed human being just trying to find my way like everyone else. i’m a kid…so know that what is happening is not me, but happening through me. i’m a ghost. i deliver messages and disappear. you might not ever see me again, but know that what was exchanged was real and for you.”
don’t become attached to me, is what i’m saying. from this point on, i can only disappoint you.
“so this may be it?” he says.
“i don’t know,” i say. because i really don’t. we stay up until 3am, like we know, as soon as this connection is over, as soon as day breaks, the magic will be gone. and then we are again, two people, on separate paths, serving our own unique purposes.
believe in magic, is the last thing i tell him. this world is full of magic. and if you believe in it, that we can change the world with our minds, our hearts and our energy, you will meet more people just like you and i to remind you that you are not alone. you will meet those who are also hiding, thinking to themselves that they are alone in their uniqueness. the ignorant who held power have taken advantage of us when we were young, manipulating us to believe we are the lesser minority that is inferior, broken, defective, because the truth was threatening and opened up questions that they had no answers to. the truth of our difference is that we are courageous, wise, powerful and more aware of our connection to the greater entity outside of our bodies. this awareness, once embraced, makes us the shepherds for those who vibrate at lower levels and have fear in their hearts. we have power if we can focus it, to make change, to heal. believe that there are others out there, and you’ll be drawn to each other, to teach and to learn, so you won’t be afraid to believe in yourself and your unique purpose. don’t feel alone, because you’re not.
he really is a lovely person whose receptiveness and kindness allowed me to listen and learn as well. i am thankful for having met him and spent time with him.
nevertheless, i woke up this morning, melancholy, feeling like i lost something i really loved.