2012 December

He pointed out that I really have no say, and it’s true, I don’t and I know it. Still felt like a cut. So I don’t care.

Rediscovering how much I like listening to UNKLE at night and doing body work.

Why would I settle, when I’m the greatest lover I’ve ever had.

Tonight I have to be very careful. It’s a 9 day and a full moon and this day has been big time on the radar.

I’m not sure I’m ready to be consistent.

What’s amazing about me, is how quickly, how instantaneously, I can disappear.

You have to give me a place to land if I’m ever gonna come back.

Sometimes I don’t leave, but you know I’m gone.

That’s probably the most uncomfortable one of all.

I’d been quiet most of the night and he was trying to find a way to reach me.

He told me he’s put all his eggs in one basket.

How many eggs do you have?, I ask.

Two, he said, with that sincere smile of his.

And then I remembered why I married him.

Tonight, the two guys who visit me in dreams will be at the same table together. This will be interesting.

I would rather be alone than be with someone who makes me feel lonely.

I realized this space is what I talk to when I have no one to talk to. It’s like it gives me a feeling that my insides project all the way out in the world, so when they echo back, they almost seem like another presence. But it is just me. I am so often so alone.

I realized what I need most in life is stability and consistency.

I realize what I need most in my life is stability and consistency.

I realized what I admire most in people are courtesy and consideration along with kindness and compassion.

I realize I am hurt in a very deep place today and even I don’t know how to reach it.

At least when I’m angry you know I’m still fighting for it.

I woke up sad this morning. Felt like my insides are raining.

I am very smart but intellectually lazy.

First time I made a powerpoint proposal for a guy.

First time I cooked Thanksgiving with a guy.

First time I was okay with the consequences of the moment.

First time I talked about the father of my child.

The first time Michael called a guy Brother in Law.

First time a guy flew to Hawaii for me.

The first time someone believed me about the numbers.

Same:

References describe us both as special, rare, likes to sleep in and can be moody.

Both parents worked together and started successful businesses.

Both take years between relationships.

Both drive silver wagons.

I said if I can’t find some way every day to be passionate about my partner, I would rather be alone, and he agreed.

Blue flame.

And under the moonlight, he looks completely familiar. Like the blue man with olive skin.

Maybe I dreamed the future, and that memory in me allowed me to recognize him. In darkness, in candlelight, under moonlight I recognize him. Because he sat with me so many nights in dreams.

I’m sorry I told you to go fuck yourself.

Yeah, that was a first. No one has ever told me to go fuck myself. I was even thinking, that’s pretty disrespectful. I mean, would you say something like that to your parents?

Yes…many times. Go fuck yourself is my go to. And I once tried to break up with my mom. I’m not proud of it. Sometimes I forget people are on my side. I’m usually pretty good about apologizing after.

You need to manage your own feelings.

Venus in Cancer in 12th. They talk about their feelings in whispers.

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