Arrival in Phoenix…er, Scottsdale
I’m currently in Scottsdale, which I hear is more fun than Phoenix because according to a random girl who overheard my conversation about this trip in SF, everything closes at 10 in Phoenix.
My hotel is amazing…very resorty with fire torches everywhere and a huge pool/lagoon surrounded by rooms. My room has a little deck so I plan to sit out there tomorrow. I can’t wait to get in a bikini and do something about the obscene paleness of my legs. Though, to be honest, I hate tan lines.
I made a decision a month ago that I’m going to get a tattoo, something that symbolizes my life purpose — To Seek Courageously. I don’t want a Chinese phrase because I want a symbol, an image that embodies this life purpose. Then I thought about getting the Phoenix tatooed on, because it symbolizes resurrection and transformation, which is another major theme of my life. I figure, when the time is right, the symbol will become clear to me. But I’m committed to getting a tattoo that symbolizes my life purpose, as I’ve discovered here in my Saturn Return.
So one thing I’m confronting in this Year of Fearless Living is my fear of flying. I still manage to get on planes, but I’m always so anxious. Now I feel like, if God wants to take me, he’ll take me and there’s nothing I can do about it. I prefer if he doesn’t take me too soon because I feel like I have a lot still to contribute to this world in terms of enlightenment, mentorship and healing, but again, your destiny is your destiny.
There was a scary moment on the plane where we went in to land, then took off again. I got scared that there was something wrong with the landing gear, but the pilot announced that there was a plane on the runway that couldn’t clear out of the way, so we would circle for a few more minutes.
Phoenix is hot. It feels like being in a warm cocoon. I arrived shortly after 8pm, so I assume the heat had actually mellowed out, so I’m a little scared of what it’s like in the daytime.
I checked into the hotel and showered, then headed out for dinner. I went to a place close to hotel (can’t remember the name of it) and let the bartender recommend what I should order. It was called the chicken, artichoke and mushroom stack (seriously, couldn’t they have found a better name?) and it was two halves of a grilled chicken breast with artichokes, mushrooms and this cream sauce in between. It was pretty damn good.
Afterwards, I went to this club that came highly recommended, Axis and Radius, but I got there around 10:30 and it was dead. The plus though, was that before 11, all drinks were $2, so I had a couple of Red Bull/vodkas. There were maybe about 20 people there when I got there which makes it really hard for me, because when I travel alone, I like to blend into the background or pretend I’m with a group. I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb. The dance floor was empty the first hour I was there, though I realized that what it takes to get a dance floor going is a group of slightly bisexual seeming Asian girls acting drunker than they actually are. Asian party girls, as Brian likes to call them. Truthfully, sometimes I’m embarrassed of those kinds of girls, because they’re so in need of male attention, it makes it so obvious that Asian dads just don’t hug their daughters enough.
Axis and Radius is actually two dance clubs that are tied together, with one playing top 40 and the other playing hip hop. I bounced around both for a while, then settled on radius for its hip hop and its large video screen showing videos. I sat down next to this big black guy who was kind of cute, and I could tell he wanted to talk to me. But you know, I don’t initiate unless I’m sure I want it, so I let him do the talking. Turns out he’s a college basketball player from Chicago, which is kind of hot. We talk and he’s kind of cool…he’s got some depth. He says I’m sexy as fuck and I ask him, well how sexy is fuck, because I’m trying to gauge how sexy I am. We dance a little and he gives me his number and really, really wants me to call him. I think, I could hook up considering I’ve got a sweet hotel room all to myself, but then I think, how am I gonna politely kick him out when we’re done? So I just tell him I gotta go because I’ve got a meeting tomorrow morning, and leave.
I go to this other club, Myst, that someone had told me has good DJ’s. It was okay, lots of gay guys. Maybe not openly gay, but let me tell you, Scottsdale has a lot of gay guys, so the pickin’s are slim. I walked around, trying to find a person to bum a smoke off of because sometimes you ask the wrong person and they act like you owe them a flirt…or more. I got one, hung out and watched the gays dance, then grabbed a slice of pizza and came home.
So far, Scottsdale has not been as impressive to me as Seattle. Seattle has a cool vibe to it, and that $12 for 12 clubs deal in Pioneer Square is hard to beat. I had to pay a $10 cover to get into Myst, and I just thought, well, I expected more. Maybe more hot, straight guys.
Something I realized. If you want something, just go get it. Don’t be embarrassed. Sometimes I think I have to uphold a certain image. I’ve noticed that men are kind of afraid of me. That once they get close to me, it’s like they can’t integrate this image of me, and this image of a girl they wanna fuck. And so guys never want to have sex with me if I show them too much of who I really am. It’s the virgin/whore thing, where they see me as someone of value, and don’t want to defile that. It’s cool, it’s sweet, but seriously, I’ve gotta learn to just take it if the other person wants it but is letting fear drive. Someone has to make it happen.
Maybe that’s my lesson right now. Assert myself. Be able to say to someone, dude, all I wanna do is fuck your brains out. So stop this bullshit spinning in your head, and get with it. My favorite kind of sex is the kind where you don’t know where one person ends and the other one begins. Where you’re so lost in the moment, your brain can no longer function. Where every single part of you–body, heart, soul–is engaged. And it’s absolutely mindblowing.
It’s gotta be with the right person though. But sometimes, the right person is afraid to act on the impulse because their brain does too much spinning. Well, sometimes you just have to be bold and demand it. I’m learning that.
I hope some day to be able to integrate this…to be able to have that kind of sexual connection within a relationship that is healthy. I have no doubt that it’s possible, but I just have to be patient because I know that there’s a smaller pool of guys that are truly compatible with me (need to be as emotionally and spiritually mature and intelligent) to light me on fire and fulfill me long term, and maybe they’re still working on stuff before they’re ready. Whoever is right for me is probably going to be older, so maybe I have to wait a few years until this guy has more years and life experience under his belt. That’s okay. I’m not settling for less than I know I need so even if it’s hard, I’m going to be patient.
I’m a very simple person. When I want something, I want it right away. I don’t want to dance, I don’t want to play games, I don’t want to guess what you’re thinking. But I’m very selective about what I want. I think when you find something you want, as unconventional as the arrangement might be, you have to demand it if it’s what you want, and then if it happens great, if the other person doesn’t agree, then…NEXT. You have to leave yourself open for something good. Be patient until the right thing comes along, but jump on it when it does. Otherwise, you risk living a life of what if’s.
I refuse to live a life of what if’s, of settling for less than I need, of regret. If I want it, I will pursue it, courageously. That is the only way to live a life fulfilled. Don’t let fear drive your life. Fear is the one thing that
keeps us from being the people we were destined to be, from getting the things we want. Don’t fear failure, don’t fear success. Don’t fear rejection, don’t fear embarrassment. Fear is an invisible threat, one that won’t kill you. Allow yourself to live freely but not recklessly. Allow yourself to deserve the things that will open your heart and make you content. Don’t waste time. Tomorrow doesn’t exist and tomorrow you may forget. Start living your life NOW.