Woke up to the sound of the ocean which is the second most beautiful sound to fall asleep/wake up to, second only to the sounds of a rainstorm.
I had an interesting dream last night. I was back in college, but it wasn’t Ann Arbor. I liked this guy who was really elusive (he kind of looked like this jerk I dated for like 5 minutes in college, but with a better body); it was obvious that he really liked me, but it’s like, he just couldn’t give me enough, you know? Like he was holding something or a part of himself back. Like he wasn’t fully coming to the table, so he was making me struggle internally and hurting me. So at one point, I hadn’t seen him in a while, but we ran into each other. The moment was electric and we started kissing and it was really uninhibitedly passionate (finally). It was amazing because he was present and our chemistry is so good. We were literally in this concrete room around the corner from our dorms and I thought, I could invite him to my place where it would be more comfortable than a concrete room, but it might break the moment by him getting too cerebral during the walk over and this moment being lost. So we were kissing and i think he realized it would be too uncomfortable for sex, so he said, let me go get a blanket. So he left and I waited and waited and he didn’t come back. I went looking for him, in the area, at the dorms and even asked our friends if they’d seen him. No one had. I started getting really irritated, because I figured he’d chickened out again and it pissed me off. There was no doubt that he was really interested in me and connected to me, but he was a ghost…one moment totally there, the next minute he had disappeared making me wonder if he ever existed.
So while I was looking for him, I walked by this guy in a green jacket who was carrying this one beautiful flower. We didn’t make eye contact when I walked by because I was busy being irritated and looking for this ghost who was breaking my heart. I realized I didn’t care anymore, that the moment was gone and I went to class. When I walked in, I saw the guy with the flower and remembered that he’s in this class with me. He walked up to me and gave me the flower along with a ten page handwritten note written journal style. He smiled and walked away. I read the note, and it talked about how he knows who I really am because he watches me and he truly appreciates me. He had little examples of days when I felt down and little things I did that he noticed. While now that I’m awake, it sounds a little stalkerish, it was actually really sweet, one of those things that comes out of the blue that you weren’t expecting, but it was something deep and private where I realized this person I’d never really noticed before could see the real me. I finished reading and I looked up at him, I smiled at him and it felt like we’d known each other our entire lives.
I woke up feeling really content. I hope that person exists.