Echo

Here’s what I realized.

My favorite thing about traveling, is coming home.

Having a newfound appreciation of your surroundings and your life.

Being able to look at things with new perspective and fully appreciate them.

Every relationship…friendships, romantic partnerships…should go through a period of separation, where each person discovers new things on their own that they can come back and share with each other.

I really opened up myself this week to the answers, the ones I’ve been afraid to see.

The key is to confront your fear.

Right around my birthday, I made a list of things I’m afraid of, without really being fully conscious of them. Ever since my birthday, I’ve been fearlessly tackling them one by one. It’s not even a conscious thing. It’s like I’ll do something and I’m totally comfortable with it, and then I’ll realize, hey, weren’t you afraid to do that? It’s pretty fucking wicked. It cracks me up.

Like talking to my boss yesterday. I talked to him the way I would talk to an idiot boyfriend who can’t be responsible, and you’re just fed up trying to talk to him like an adult. I would have never thought I had it in me because of my fear of authority, but I guess I did. Today he was all nice and accommodating when I got to the office, an hour and a half late. Whatever.

And surfing. Just weeks ago I was talking about how I was afraid of the ocean. I always freak out about having my legs in the water because I can’t see what’s going on down there. The thing is, Hawaii was probably the safest place for me to conquer that fear because the water is so shallow and clear. Surfing was a blast. I had no fear and felt like I’d been doing it my entire life but had just forgotten how. I think that was what turned my instructor on, that I just wasn’t afraid and didn’t want to stop or rest. Afterwards, I was sitting on my hotel balcony in the darkness, I realized I hadn’t been scared at all and had basically resolved some of my fear of the ocean.

Here’s the funniest thing. I was walking around the luau and thinking about how good I was feeling about confronting my fears, and how maybe I should try skydiving. I was weighing my fear when my aunt, who was walking next to me, suddenly said, “Have you ever tried skydiving?” I looked at her, surprised, and said, “I was just thinking that!” The weird thing was, she didn’t even follow up or explain the question. She just kept walking in silence.

I am learning to confront my fear of letting go. That it’s okay if people love me but I don’t want to commit to them or devote myself to just them. I’m coming to terms with my overwhelming feeling of obligation that I have to take care of them. I’m learning that it’s okay to be free and you don’t have to feel guilty.

I think I’m reluctant to commit to one person because I have so many unexpected deep connections with people, that if I committed to one person, I would feel like I’m an inherently dishonest or disloyal person knowing that these connections are out there and I never know when it’s going to happen. And my mind and upbringing gave me such a strong code of honor, that it breaks my heart to think that I could betray another human being, or more accurately, that another human being might feel that I have betrayed him. I want to be able to look someone in the eye and say that I will absolutely be faithful to you, and know that I am sure. That no one else in this world matters more to me but you. I am capable of that depth, and as scary as it feels sometimes, I know that I have it in me to devote myself to one person and it’s a powerful, transformational thing. It makes me scared that I can’t yet. That I’ve never trusted anyone enough to feel that I can. I feel like I just haven’t met the right person yet who didn’t eventually become afraid to connect deeply. A side note, I don’t think this person is a her, even though women have expressed love for me. I’ve never been physically involved with another woman in any way because it gets as much internal response from me as the thought of getting involved with an immediate family member, and I’m just totally turned off by the thought of having sex with a woman; I know I can’t be in an intimate relationship without having someone that I feel sexually comfortable with, which has been some of my issues with men. I want to go really deep, but to do that requires a great deal of trust. Trust takes time and mutual willingness and openness to build up. But so many people get scared, because true intimacy is a powerful and amazing thing, but you do have to be completely and utterly vulnerable. Naked. Defenseless. All you can do is pray that the other person is a good person who will be gentle and careful to not hurt you.

I get close to so many people, never more than one at a time, and what it is between us is like a secret we’re afraid to tell anyone about, or don’t know how to tell anyone about. It’s like there’s a moment where a complete stranger looks at you, and something in their head clicks and you see it in their eyes. It’s as if they say, this is crazy but…do i know you? And maybe you dance around each other, feel each other out, maybe put on masks based on who you think the other person might want to see. But at some point you meet up in a secret, private place and mutually experienced a moment of complete vulnerability, where you are exactly who you are, and there’s actually another person who is seeing it. It’s like electricity when it happens. But you can never hang on to it because it’s so volatile. I always think of Nikola Tesla, when he first realized the power of electricity, this powerful secret that he managed to successfully share with the world despite all the knuckleheaded ignorance of people around him. How many people have experienced this? Why aren’t we all doing it? What amazes me is the power of what can happen between two people who are truly connected. It’s a whole other level.

I made a grown man pensive at the bar this week.

I had just written something I was very happy with, and was filled with all that excited good feeling of having been able to output something honest. I realized I hadn’t gone out at all at night this entire trip because I’ve been so exhausted, so I wanted to go out and check out a bar. I went to the Yardhouse because they’ve got good beer on tap. I was really hoping they had this lemon lager from a brewery in Oregon that I really love (they didn’t). Plus it was within walking distance and I preferred to walk. When I got there, the vibe was weird so I set my objective as seeing if I could have one beer without someone talking to me. I just wanted to sit and feel the place in peace. I put out my most unapproachable vibe, got a snakebite and became mesmerized by the extreme videos. Something about all the physical activities this week, the surfing and the kayaking, made me really appreciate extreme videos. Or I was so exhausted I was mildly high, but they totally titillated my brain. So my beer was my hourglass…when I’m done, I’m out. I was having fun watching the videos but I wasn’t really loving the place either, so I wasn’t nursing the beer. I was almost done when some guy asked if he could sit next to me. My eyes never really left the screen but I note he had dark hair, was about late 30’s, early 40’s, decent looking guy with some wear and tear, standard bar fixture, who can get the older women who are really drunk. Not for me. Beer check–about 4 oz left. I never look him in the eyes. I’m not rude or cold, just not engaged.

Guy: So I noticed you’re here by yourself.
Me: Yep.
Guy: Most girls would be weird about going out by themselves.
Me: Not me.
Guy: Yeah, I’m okay with going out alone, too. I don’t…worry about that stuff.

He fiddles with the label on his beer.

Guy: Are you here on vacation?
Me: Yep.
Guy: I’m here for a wedding. Not mine.

Fiddles.

Guy: My daughter’s actually.
Me: Yeah?
Guy: I just found out about a week ago.
Me: You just found out about your daughter getting married a week ago?
Guy: Yeah.
Me: That sucks.
Guy: Why?
Me: You’d think she’d give you more of a heads up. Do you like the guy?
Guy: I don’t know. I just met him.
Me: I take it they didn’t ask for your permission, huh?
Guy: I guess he seems like a nice guy. He’s totally getting rolled over though. My daughter’s a really hard person to deal with.
Me: That won’t last.
Guy: You don’t think?
Me: Yeah. That guy’s going to wake up one day and realize she doesn’t even like him and he’ll realize he can do better.
Guy: Yeah, I can definitely see that. She can be a real bitch. This is her second marriage.
Me: How old is she?
Guy: 24. She just picked up one day and moved out here. I don’t know what she’s doing out here. Waitressing or something.
Me: She must be working out her dad issues.
Guy: What do you mean?
Me: It sounds like she’s working out her dad issues.
Guy: How do you know that?
Me: You said she’s a real bitch. Why would someone want to live their life being mean to other people, especially people close to them? They’re angry and they’re lashing out at people who are vulnerable. She probably rejects herself deep down.
Guy: So it would have been different if I had been around more.
Me: Fathers sometimes don’t hug their daughters enough.
Guy: So I didn’t hug her enough.
Me: Something.
Guy: Yeah, I married her mom too young. I wasn’t really in her life enough.
Me: There you go. She’s probably on some level getting back at you and dealing with her anger by torturing men who want to love her.
Guy: So it’s my fault.
Me: Well, it is what it is. This is her life challenge to get through, so she’ll make the same mistakes over and over until she decides she doesn’t want to make them anymore. Or maybe she won’t.

He’s quiet for a bit.

Guy: Did your dad hug you enough?
Me: I hug myself enough.

Guy: Where are you from?
Me: Los Angeles.
Guy: I’m from Pomona. Do you know where that is?
Me: Yes.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I work in tech. It’s boring and not worth talking about.
Guy: Oh.

He fiddles with his beer.

Guy: I work at Disneyland. I do all of their repairs and maintenance on their machines. That’s kind of techy.
Me: That’s cool.
Guy: Yeah, I like it. Don’t know if I wanna do it forever though.
Me: You’ve got things you’d rather be doing?
Guy: Yeah, I’ve got some things.
Me: Then you should be doing them.
Guy: Yeah, I should.
Me: When’s your birthday?
Guy: August 20th. When’s yours?
Me: June 14th.

We sit in silence for a while. I’m watching a skier take the nastiest tumble off a cliff.

Guy: Did you ask me because of that astrology stuff? Were you asking me what my sign was? I’m a Leo.
Me: I know.
Guy: What are you?
Me: Gemini. Don’t believe everything you read about us. Some of us are deeper than others.
Guy: Do you believe in that stuff?
Me: The horoscopes in the newspapers, those are bullshit. It has to do with not only what day you were born, but the time as well. It’s like a blueprint of your potential. We all choose the life that we come into.
Guy: What do you mean?
Me: You chose your family, you chose what obstacles in life you would be dealing with and even now, you can choose to do whatever you want to do with your life. The only thing that holds you back is fear, or this idea that your life is set by something or someone else.
Guy: Yeah, I’m feeling that. There’s a lot I wanna be doing but I’m just not sure I’m ready yet. Last month I was offered this one opportunity, in terms of work, but I wasn’t sure if I should take it because I didn’t know if I was ready to leave my job. I’m making money I’m comfortable with, but it doesn’t really fulfill me.
Me: Do you feel like this other opportunity opens up a whole new avenue for your life that you’ve always been afraid to pursue?
Guy: Yeah.
Me: Then you should do it.
Guy: I’ve been thinking a lot about it, now that you mention it.
Me: You’re also going through a Saturn conjunct Sun, which means that you’ve got an opportunity to achieve all the things that you want, all the things that would make your ego happy. You just have to take risks and put in the work. You have a chance to live the life that would make you proud, and you’ve got this door that’s only open for a few weeks longer where making a life change would be easier, so if there are things that you know will make you happy, you’ve gotta take the leap before it gets more difficult. If there are things that don’t make you happy or hold you back, dump them now. There’s nothing worse than being disappointed with the life you chose, because it means you did it to yourself.
Guy: It’s so strange that we’re talking about this because this is exactly what I’ve been going through the last month. I’ve noticed that a lot of people who bring me down, friends who ask for a lot from me but don’t really give back, I’ve been kicking them out of my life. Like, I just decided that I’m better off without them. And I was dating this girl and I knew I didn’t want to be with her, so I finally ended it.
Me: Yeah, that’s the stuff that happens. You’re going to start realizing all the things that are keeping you back, and you’re either going to start getting restless, or you’re going to deny that you could be doing more for your life, and then let it haunt you later on. Wouldn’t you rather be excited about waking up each morning?

The guy’s looking at me and out of the corner of my eye, I can see that his eyes are really excited. He’s antsy, like he wants me to look at him and get more involved in this conversation, but I won’t. Eye contact is intimate.

Guy: How do you know this stuff is real?
Me: What?
Guy: How do you do it? Like what are you calculating that makes you believe in this stuff, that you’re sure it’s true?
Me: Look at it this way. I’ve been studying this stuff all my life. I can look at someone and break them up into various complementary and conflicting symbols, and know the range and area of a person’s life or personality that each symbol stands for. It’s about human potential and how each person moves within the continuum of their potential in various areas of themselves. And look at this. I don’t know you right?
Guy: Right.
Me: I don’t know your name, I don’t know who you really are. You will probably…no…you will NEVER see me again. I’m a complete stranger. But all of a sudden, you walk up to me and the strangest thing is what I’m saying makes sense to you and what you’re going through right now.
Guy: Yeah, I just walked over because I thought you were cute, but what you’re saying makes sense because it’s exactly what I’ve been going through lately. I’ve never had a conversation like this.
Me: Then there’s probably a reason why you walked up to me in this bar and started talking to me, and why I’m saying these things. I don’t usually talk like this with everyone that walks up to me in a bar. Maybe the universe wanted you to hear something, or wanted to give you a push. Look, this happens to me a lot. I’ll go to some random place and someone will talk to me, and we’re talking about random shit, but for some reason, it makes sense to both of us. And we don’t even know each other or what we’re talking about, until we walk away and look back and say, hey, that was a pretty random but significant conversation. Every one of these connections has something to give and teach and something to learn and receive. So whatever I’m saying to you, if it makes sense, take it for what it’s worth. If you get weirded out, then just chalk it up to midnight in a bar.

He nods and keeps staring. I can feel his leg tapping his chair, increasingly anxiously.

Guy: Who are you?

I finish my beer in one gulp, then turn and make eye contact with him for the first time. I smile.

Me: I’m just a girl who goes to bars.

I tell him I’m going to the bathroom then leaving. When I walk out later, I see him sitting at the bar, his back slumped and his eyes far away, completely lost in space.

Some might say I’m an asshole because I’m fucking with people’s heads. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m trying to mess with their heads as much as be a catalyst for change. Sometimes when I’m tired, I get tired of having to maintain a pretense, a mask, so all I say is the truth, what I see, what I feel, what I believe. I’m especially like this when I’m high because it’s like I’m not allowed to be anything but honest. But there’s never manipulation behind it, where I’m trying to get something I want out of it. I just say the first honest thing that comes out of my head, and sometimes, it makes sense to the other person. I don’t think I’m psychic. I think all of us can read people just by really listening to them and seeing them, but most people don’t try because they don’t really listen to or see themselves. I think it’s very clear that 90% of people are not fulfilling their full potential. Sometimes you just have to remind them that if there’s something they want to do, why not try. Why not attempt freedom and success?

Sareet and I had an interesting conversation today. She said that she doesn’t believe in fear of success, that it’s really just a fear of failure. I said that fear of success is really fear of getting your hopes up and then failing. Some people have gone through so much disappointment in their lives, that they’re terrified to hope they are more, that their lives can be better. I can’t say that I, myself, am exempt from this prison, this shackling fear. But I’m trying. I’m really trying. And sometimes, by helping others push off and reach towards their potential, it shows me that it’s possible so that I can strive for the same. I’ve never thought I was smarter or stronger or wiser than other people. I’m just good at seeing perspectives. And I hope that with my gift of objectivity and perspective, that by watching people change and expand, it helps me understand how I can navigate my own potential.