Echo

There’s an ancient Chinese proverb that goes something like this:

Don’t paint your car hot pink if you don’t plan to drive around in a hot pink car.

Just try to constantly imagine the future results of your actions when you’re in the moment. I always ask myself, how will Future Julia look back on this moment. And if the answer is, “She’s gonna be so pissed at me…” I probably shouldn’t be doing what I’m doing.

On a separate note. One more fear somewhat conquered.

I ventured into a lesbian bar last night. Brian was proud of me that I was decked out convincingly like a lesbian. He said I looked like a San Francisco lesbian, which is good. I wouldn’t want to be an Alabama lesbian. I’m totally learning right now that what you wear affects how people perceive you, and basically, clothes are just costumes. And if you know what you’re being perceived as and you own that image, you have a lot of personal power. I was wearing all black which has been very effective in keeping people wary about approaching me. I think I come off really intense, so they’ll look, but they’re cautious about initiating a conversation.

One thing I want to also note, is that I’ve noticed that sometimes we have fears and we don’t know from where they originated. Maybe we blocked it out of our minds so it’s a blank, or maybe we’re in complete denial. But what I’ve noticed is that the closer you come to the epicenter of your fear, the closer you come to a situation where you’re face to face with it, the clearer it will become what the original source of your fear is. As I walked up to the club and saw all those lesbians standing around, I started panicking, asking Brian if I talked to the wrong girl, what if her possessive girlfriend comes up and wants to fight me? I was really starting to panic and I realized, that whole thing with my chiro and her wife who left threatening messages on my machine must have really affected me emotionally, because I had no idea I had been scared. I had laughed it off when it all happened and now when I look back, I just get kind of irritated or sad. But I never acknowledged the fear. But I remember it now. It was raining that week, and I remember worrying about coming home to find a crazy, intensely rageful woman with a knife ambushing me at my front door. Even though I felt I was bigger and stronger, I was terrified of being caught off guard. And I guess that vigilance turned into an anxiety around lesbians.

Brian had to take me in because I was terrified and wanted him to pick a place where I could be and not stick out. So he walks in, and gives me a tour of the place like I’m starting a new job. “Here’s the patio, and the dance floor. Bathrooms are over there in the back. If you come up the stairs, here are the private booths and there’s another bar right there if the other one is packed. And if you get scared, you can go right next door to the homo bar.” Then he left.

I did a shot of patron and watched some pretty crazy videos projected against the wall. The DJ was great. He did a Timbaland mix that I was digging. I would totally fuck Timbaland. And when I say fuck, it means think about wanting to have sex with but getting too scared in the moment and talking a lot of nonsense before I run awkwardly out of the car.

It was a very interesting experience because there’s a huge spectrum of lesbians, from girls who were feminine and gorgeous, to girls who looked like they’re the girls next door who are really athletic, to girls who looked like men, to girls who looked like 12 year-old boys. There were the women in their 50’s who looked like every other English lit professor I had in college. There were people who I had no idea if they were men or women, but I don’t think it really matters. They’ve embraced their identity, even if it defied definition. I kind of admired that. I was watching couples and groups and marveling at how diverse and unique all these people were. Some were really shy and would light up if you looked at them. Some were very brazen, like the bullish girl who ran her hand down my thigh as she walked by. There were also a lot of straight guys, just standing around gawking with these glazed looks and frozen smiles, like little boys in a candy store. It was kind of gross, but I’m not one to talk because I came to observe and not participate myself.

I had a couple of gin and tonics (sapphire with two olives, one lime…I’m very specific about my gin & tonics), and I realized I was pretty trashed. I started feeling overwhelmed about being around so many women, like my estrogen tolerance had reached its capacity and I started getting really antsy. I had previously asked this flamboyant guy if I could bum a cigarette and he didn’t have one. He saw me circling later and asked me if I was still looking for a cigarette. I said yeah, so he shared his with me. He said he was here with his friend. “She’s straight” he said. I got excited and I said, so am I. I told him that I had this fear of lesbians so I was trying to confront it, how I was worried that if you talk to the wrong girl, some crazy girlfriend would come up and get crazy pissed. He said first of all, you need to know that in LA, there’s no such thing as a girlfriend. Everyone is up for grabs. Second of all, there are some gorgeous girls here tonight so you need to be talking to someone cuz you’re gorgeous. I told him, honey, you like me because I’m just a gay man trapped inside this body. And he said, “I’m a gay man trapped inside this body, too! Oh my god, I love you!” So we became instant best friends, two gay men, one a little more physically authentic than the other, and I’m kind of relieved to have a guy to talk to and it doesn’t surprise me that in a lesbian bar, of course I would gravitate towards a gay man for shelter. I’m totally a gay man inside. So we’re chatting and all excited and he insists on giving me his number so we can hang out again. I think about Brian, and how he kind of avoids deeper interaction with guys, and I think how ironic it is that gay men are always giving me their numbers and wanting to hang out when really, this should all be for Brian. But he doesn’t want it.

So this guy Rick, who I called Ricky Ricardo because he just didn’t look like a Rick, introduces me his straight female friend. The girl is gorgeous, has fake tits and a great body. She looks Thai. She starts telling me that girls always think she’s a trannie and it drives her crazy. I’m liked, dude, it’s because they’re intimidated by how beautiful you are. And she says, ‘I know, right? It’s because I’m beautiful! But they always think I’m a trannie. I mean, I don’t have an adam’s apple. There’s no penis in these pants!” I tell her, man, girls just get insecure so that’s their problem. She says, “They’re stupid. Look at me. How can I be a trannie if I don’t have a penis? Here, feel this.” She grabs my hand and rams it against her crotch. “You feel that? There’s no penis in there.” I’m like, yeah yeah, you’re preaching to the choir here, but she’s strong and she’s still got my hand rammed against her crotch and is yelling, “See? NO PENIS!” I finally yank my hand from her grasp and tell her, “There’s definitely not a penis there so those girls can go fuck themselves.” And that seems to satisfy her outrage at people thinking she’s a trannie.

Ricky Ricardo buys me another gin & tonic but he accidentally tells the bartender two limes and one olive. But she remembers me and she does it right. I finish my drink and am completely hammered, so while they’re talking to other people, I slip out.

I take a cab home and the driver is this young Indian guy. We ride in silence the whole way, except when we’re about 2 blocks from my house, he asks me if I had a good time and I say I did…I’m straight, but those lesbians can be overwhelming. He laughs and he says how he picks up some crazy people and has seen a lot of stuff. Then he starts talking about how he has an Asian fetish and totally has a thing for Korean girls, and goes on and on
about his appreciation of their physical attributes. Luckily, this conversation doesn’t last too long and we get to my place. It felt like one of those conversations I have with strangers that ends either with an uncomfortable proposition, or a stranger hugging me.

I stumble in, watch Conan (what’s up with the catty irritation between Conan and Max Weinberg? Was it always like that?) and watch the end of an X-Files episode. First of all, Mulder is one of the sexiest characters ever. So aloof, so haunted, yet with such an intense belief that there is more to the world. And that affinity for porn. I would love to get high with him. He’s totally the kind of guy who would drive me crazy.

The episode ended with Scully talking to a priest.

Priest: “Sometimes we must come full circle to find the truth. Why does that surprise you?”
Scully: “Mostly it just makes me afraid.”
Priest: “Afraid?”
Scully: “Afraid that god is speaking. But that no one’s listening.”

This made me sad because it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot. Someone recently asked me if I thought that the universe sends us signs. I told him absolutely. These are opportunities for growth. They’re blessings from the universe, trying to lead us somewhere. He was quiet for a bit, then he said, I think sometimes I get signs, but then I ignore them, because I think, I just can’t deal with them right now. I asked him why he would do that and he said he ignores them when he’s busy with work or not in a place to deal with things. I told him, no one is ever really “ready.” But the universe only sends them if the time is right. You just have to be courageous and know that there’s a reason and a place where you’re going. If you ignore these opportunities, you could be letting many amazing life-changing experiences pass you by.

That was the last good conversation he and I had, the last time we shared that inner space where two people connect and speak truth; we had a good potential to explore some amazing places outside of our comfort zones, but he got scared because he didn’t feel he was ready. I think it happens and I think the universe will keep sending you opportunities in the form of synchronicity and signs, but if you continue to ignore them, I just think it’s sad. Because you could be living the fulfilled and amazing life that you were destined for sooner rather than later. Why deny yourself that out of fear of stepping outside of your comfort zone?

The last few months have had me on a journey, and I feel like a critical challenge is coming up.

I feel it…I’m about to confront the grandaddy of my fears. A part of me is terrified, because like I said, the closer you get to the epicenter, the more the cause of your fear materializes, and I’m terrified of consciously being aware of what it was that hurt me and scared me so badly of letting the very people I want to get close to, get close to me. I’m committed to it though. I’m committed to setting myself free.