Echo

So let’s say you go to bar and there happens to be a minority TV industry networking event going on. Let’s say you crash it and pretend you’re with the group. Out of the blue, a guy starts chattin you up. Let’s say suddenly a possessive girl who feels she already has dibs comes pushing through the crowd, and sticks her hand in your face to introduce herself, because all 5 foot 9 aggro African-American of her wants you to know this is her prey, her conversation, and you had better back the fuck up. How do you get out of this situation without any she-cat scratches on your dignity or your corneas?

I decided not only was I not gonna back down, but I was gonna do the opposite. I gave her my biggest, most disarming smile and looked at her like she’s the most interesting person in the room. I shook her hand warmly and ask her where she works. She tells me and I ask her what they do, listening attentively. I’m completely ignoring the guy. She goes into a long-winded rambling explanation then decides to just finish it by saying it’s a TV network that’s like the one the guy works for, but without protestors in front of the building. I say, seeing from the way you carry yourself, it sounds classy as well. She looks pleasantly surprised, then says, “Yeah, it is. Thank you.” She’s grinning, defenses gone. The guy had joked with me that his network has too much “titty-bouncing” before she got there, so I say, “Yeah, it’s not like all the titty-bouncing they got over on his network…” She laughs and he laughs. They each thought they were in on an inside joke against the other person. The ice was broken and we started joking around. I looked at her and then him, both so giddy and nervous, and thought, is this how threesomes start? We were still joking around when my boss pulled me away to take a company group picture (I forgot to mention, I was there having a company celebratory dinner. Let’s just say I’ve been bitching the last month about wanting to move to San Francisco and being an all around disgruntled bitch around the office, and tonight, as a surprise, they present me with an award for outstanding service along with a five-digit bonus in hopes that I’ll stay. Uh, come again? Ladies, I will only say it once–Men. Love. Bitches. I know, it’s completely depressing to me, too.) So as we got ready for the picture, the guys were cracking up about how they had been watching me to see how I planned to work the crowd. How that guy started talking to me and within moments, the girl came steaming towards us from the other side of the bar, getting in my face to cockblock me, but whatever I did, they were both flirting with me at the end. I told them, you just have to know how to talk to people. You get into people by making them feel that in your eyes, in that moment, they’re the most beautiful, amazing creatures you’ve ever seen, and then you own them.

You’re drunk, my coworker says as he puts his arm around me, and you have a big ego.

You love me, I say.

You’re definitely interesting, he says, and I lean my intoxicated head into his chest.

Meanwhile, the coworker I’ve been spending a lot of time with, my little Scorpio protege/tormentor, was jealous of me getting the award and the bonus. It was so hard core he could barely look me in the eye. I saw it on his face the way I see it on a lot of guys I’ve dated in the past when they see my car, or my house, or how many friends I have or some other form of envy. It’s always disappointing. It’s like something about another person’s success shakes up a jealous person’s inner core so they feel their sense of self threatened. I sat across from him at dinner and he was acting weird, so I just said straight up, you’re jealous that I got this. He looks surprised and said straight up, yeah I am! I said, you’re a little bitch because if you had gotten this, I would have been happy for you, and still happy with myself. He says, sometimes you’ve gotta be a hater, which then sparked a group lecture from two more spiritual coworkers on either side of him about being being a bigger person.

After dinner, he gave me a ride to my car and I started laughing. “I can’t believe you were jealous. That’s so fucked up. “

He told me how jealousy fuels his success and was cocky about it. I told him that he can’t think of other people’s success as being in direct competition with his. He says that there’s always a winner and always a loser, like in sports. He says, there’s always a loser, and it’s not gonna be me.

I said yeah, in sports, we may care who wins during the game. But when it’s over, we just remember that we had fun and maybe we learned something, we got better, whatever, but that’s what it’s about. No one remembers who won or lost a game in the long run. And also, I could knock someone down in the context of the game and it would be fine. But if I knock someone down on the street, it’s totally inappropriate. There’s a place for everything but sometimes you have to see the bigger picture. It’s a big enough universe for everyone.

He tries to tell me that life is a war and it’s kill or be killed, and he thinks that way because he spent his childhood in Israel and life was a war. I tell him, I grew up with someone who approaches life as war and spends her life strategizing and vigilant in recognizing perceived threats, so I know what that’s like and I have it in me. There’s a time when you need that capability, when you’re fighting for something or in the presence of people who are undermining you. But the key is to know the difference. So many soldiers fight a war and then come back and fail in society, because they don’t know how to adjust. A true warrior can fight in times of war, but thrive in times of peace. A true warrior knows the difference.

He says so what that I felt jealous and couldn’t be happy for you for like two minutes. you’re so on top of it, you noticed these things immediately and I couldn’t even hide it. I can’t even let myself feel jealous for two minutes. That’s your thing, you’re so aggressive and you point out people’s flaws when they’re vulnerable and it’s like kicking a guy when they’re down.

I tell him that’s the thing men don’t understand about people like me. We never kick with the intent to hurt. We can’t help seeing things, but when we look at people, we aren’t looking for flaws, we’re looking at the whole picture and we see everything realistically, your strengths and weaknesses, but we love you as a whole, both good and bad because we’re all human, so you can stop obsessing about hiding what you think are flaws. But the problem is YOU don’t accept the flaws yourself. I come from such a good, caring place, and you can’t even comprehend that because you’re so threatened. So look at yourself before you start pinning it on me as a way that I’m judging you because I’m not. It’s about the potential you have and how you get in your own way, why you’re always telling me you’re not satisfied with your life. There’s so much abundance in the world that everyone can be successful. Why the fuck do you have to be successful in the same way as other people and obsess about it when you’re really just avoiding your own dreams?

He said, because I want to be better than people because I want to be in control at all times.

Do think you have control over me?

Yeah, I’m in complete control of the situation.

Really. You have control.

He hesitates, then says, yeeee…ah.

You don’t have any control over me.

Well, you don’t see it, but–

How can you have any control if you can’t even catch me?

He lets out a string of sounds but doesn’t really complete a thought.

You’re dealing with a world class athlete here, and the only thing I was built to do is run. Look at my body, look at how athletic I am. Look at how fast I type. How fast I think. Everything about me is about going as fast as possible. And that’s because I have one goal and one goal only, and that
is to not ever get caught. What makes you think you can possibly outrun me when this is all I do? What makes you think you can ever be faster than me?

I can’t, he says, quietly.

But why would you think you have to be? You don’t need to be. You’re outstanding in other ways. It’s like this. If I really admire a friend and she’s a world famous violinist, I’m not gonna say, holy crap, she’s so good at violin, I’ve gotta be as good as her, and then waste my life trying to be as good as her when violin isn’t my destiny. I’m gonna say, even though I love music but I’m not musically talented, I’m good at other things, like basketball and writing, and I hope that she’s as impressed by my unique successes as I am of hers.

So I guess I’m yelling at him, not out of anger but out of passion, hanging halfway out of his car because I don’t want to be in an enclosed space with him. My bosses drive by and wave with these little smiles on their faces, and I say, Oh crap. Now everyone’s gonna think we’re dating.
He says, whatever, who cares.

But I don’t like this.

The thing is, I’m not emotionally involved here outside of our friendship or mentorship or whatever it is we are. I’m not engaged in his romantic projection that he keeps pushing onto me. I’m a slab of ice on the inside because I don’t have any desire of a shared romantic path with him, even though my head is connected and for whatever reason, we keep talking. I hate office rumors because they only turn ugly.

Now I’m really irritated so I say, Men love bitches. Straight up. You love bitches. I treat you so badly, and I don’t treat anyone like this, because you do dumb shit to provoke me because it’s what you want. Stop being a little bitch and grow up. I’m tired of this dynamic. Just take the freakin’ message so we can both move on. Whatever potential it was that you felt you had but people didn’t see in you while you were growing up, get over the bullshit and just go out and be who you are if that’s what you want. Go be successful if you really want it so badly. Figure out what you want to do to be successful and do it. But stop trying to get people to treat you badly just because you get off on it and it distracts you from pursuing the things that you wish you had that other people have.

He nods somberly. You’re right.

He tells me to get in the car and smoke a bowl with him. I say no. He asks me again and I say no again. He says, you’re really irritating me right now.

I say, I irritate you all the time. I’m actually completely irritating to you across the boards.

He looks out the windshield for a while then says, you know, all this time we’ve been talking and spending time, I never really got it, but I just got what you’ve been saying tonight. Everything you’ve been trying to say to me.

Really? I say. It’s been a long battle and a part of me doesn’t believe he’ll ever give in.

He says, yeah, I get what you’re saying about my life and what I need to do. Just right now. I just got it.

Good, I say. I give it a respectful pause. Then we’re done here?

I can tell from his eyes, he doesn’t quite know how to take that question.

We’re done, he says.

I smile.

I close the door, then leave.