understandings
the thing about dating someone when so much is carried on over im, is that you become dependent on words. words to convey realities, to give you glimpses of a multi-dimensional universe that you can’t at the moment perceive with any other senses. you trust that the psychically imaged/constructed/projected/perceived universe of this person is exactly the one that exists behind these string of words.
and for someone whose livelihood is completely built upon words, it makes me realize how inadequate words are for capturing and reflecting entire universes, realities and understandings.
i’m making too many mistakes with words, because i’m barely there as i write them. my head is somewhere else, and i’m perceiving and painting realities that may or may not exist. i’ve learned it’s important to paint them positively, or sometimes people around you suffer, perhaps due to their own private lives, perhaps due to your influence. so you have to be very careful, and only outlet your negativities to someone who’s strong. but after a while, it’s not hard to be positive. you just have to trust that you’ll be taken care of by a force greater than you. and whatever happens is just a part of all that happens, so you will be big enough to accept it.
it’s not about the result. that you were ultimately able to control everything. it’s that in earnest, with optimism, you tried.
and so i’ve committed myself to that vision, that position, that if you focus your energy, your projections are expansive. and i never again want to hear anyone call me selfish again because everything. every single thing i’ve ever discovered about life and how life really works, i’ve shared it with you. You. Whoever you are. It doesn’t matter to me. You’re all You.
but how honest do you want me to be? how much do you want to recognize me? it’s scary when you wonder if i’m you isn’t it?
so i’ll tell the stories you like so much. because they’re all true.
let’s start with the trees in the forest.
david. the only one i can’t get inside of and see. it drives me crazy but it tests my ability to have faith. imagine holding a really hard yoga position for an infinite amount of time…you have no idea when you’re allowed to let go, but you try to be really zen about it and hold on until you know it’s time not to. this is what it feels to my psychic energy. so despite not knowing what’s along the bend, i force myself to have faith in a reality i can’t see. because the problem is, i see everything.
since meeting me, david can now remember his dreams, whereas before sleep was an endless black hole. his dreams are mostly positive, but he sees them as what he believes are events of the future. the thing that makes me happy is that he’s remembering them, because this is significant.
my brother. needs his independence. i fear a future where he proves if he can fend for himself, because i fear the answer if it is not a safe one, but i know that by constantly watching and projecting for him, i’m not letting him try. it’s very hard to let him go.
my father. is finally happy. in that phone call where i threatened to kill him, was when things changed. let me quickly explain before you think i’m a psycho chick from a lifetime tv-movie. i got tired of him being jealous of my mom’s success in their company and when he declared he was going to sabotage her. i used reason at first and when i realized he was going to do it anyway without my support, i laid it down. it was done over the phone, but it was medieval. it’s like i whipped out a sword and my armor and i angrily declared a duel. except he was wearing nothing but pajamas. and i went to town telling him don’t you dare sabotage her. you started your own company and stepped aside so she could start making some decisions, so don’t you dare sabotage her until she gets a chance to prove if her decisions work. i told him i was sorry that his mom was such a horrible person to him, because she started her own life but didn’t have enough room in her heart for him, but who cares. who cares about what one selfish woman thinks. just because she didn’t have the heart to love him didn’t mean that he wasn’t deserving of love. i told him about the prison. the one that we lock ourselves into, and even though the door is open, we’re terrified of walking out that door. i told him too many people sit in this prison they’ve made for themselves, and just wait for that door to lock so they can be angry and say that they never had a chance to get out anyway. but the thing, is, the door is not fucking locked. you can leave ANY. TIME. so why are you still sitting in it when you have a wife that wants to love you, kids that love you, and friends and family who would never say anything less than you are a kind, generous, wonderful human being? he got angry and tried to tell me that no one loved him and i told him i needed him to stand in the mirror and say, I am a good husband. I am a good person. I am someone worthy of love. I kept repeating it over and over like a mantra, and he protested at first then started weeping, demanding, why are you doing this to me??? i told him, because you need to walk out of your prison. you need to walk out of your prison, and start living the life that you always wanted, because it’s right there waiting for you. i started repeating this over and again. he told me i was a bad daughter and that’s when i blew.
if i EVER find out you’ve been going around calling me a bad daughter, i will hunt you down and kill you. if you tell ANYONE that i am a bad daughter after everything i’ve done for you, after everything i’ve given to you, after i made my life a miserable shrine for you for so long so you could see what it’s like for someone you love to be with men who hated themselves, then you don’t deserve to have me in your life. i don’t NEED you in my life. i’m only here because i WANT you in my life, but if you think i’m a bad daughter, then i’m not sharing what an amazing person i am to someone who doesn’t deserve to be around me.
and then for the first time in my life, i hung up on him.
months later, i look at him now and he’s happy to see me. it’s a secret we share.
he’s finally free.
my mom. great for hugs. great for comfort. can’t touch her. while in taiwan, we were sitting on this beautiful patio in the mountains above a harbor having afternoon tea. my aunt’s friend bluntly comments, “I think in this lifetime, your mom’s greatest love is work.”
i actually find it amusing but i kind of sigh, good-naturedly. i’ve frankly explained to david that my mom’s first love is her company, and the people around her have spent their lifetimes coming to terms with that. but saying it in front of me is kind of like saying, “Hey, your boyfriend seems to really love his wife.”
edison. freakishly smart kid who can devour knowledge. they need to feed him as much as possible. he’s capable of doing great things. his dad is a scorpio who knows magic.
i have a musician connection. i feel a comforting warmth inside me when i think of him and it makes me peaceful to know he’s out in the world. i’ve thought a lot of times that i would like to get closer to him, but the only thing is i worry that he’ll try to sleep with me. which is the problem i face when getting closer to people sometimes. they always want to cross that physical boundary with me and that line destroys something that is actually stronger and more innocent, but transcendental. and it always makes things complicated. i just wish someone would try it out without crossing that line, because it could really be a powerful thing.
speaking of d. she was in love with me. brian thought i was evil for seducing her, but i felt like i didn’t go out of m
y way to get her attention outside of revealing who i was. but i didn’t want to sleep with her because i wasn’t interested in her body but in the end, when i flat out said no, she got angry and betrayed me to her bulldog lesbian wife, claiming there was something going on. i was a little traumatized by it because i did nothing but try to help her and explain the power of projection for healing. but she wanted me to be a crutch, and she pulled me into a drama that was negative and dangerous for me. i refused to carry on anything in secrecy (if we’re friends, why do i have to hide anything?, i asked her before hanging up), and never heard from her or her angry wife again. sometimes a memory will pop in my head and i’ll wonder where she is in her life. just as i’m about to imagine, i realize i can’t tell if i want a positive reality or a negative reality because i’m still hurt, but then i force myself to not be curious, so i don’t imagine anything at all.
communication is being withheld with my childhood connection. it’s okay though. like i told him. it’s okay. it’s like a river hidden in the forest of the mountains. you come to it, and float little paper boats away whenever you want. that’s the beauty of it.
bruce lee in the light. bruce lee in the darkness. tigers have two colors.