Echo

I just got done mentally chasing my own tail and I’m freakin’ exhausted. I can’t keep this up. I’m tired all the time.

But I think I’m at that now or never point in my life. Where I have to decide what I want to be and stick with it. It’s time for some inner consistency. That’s what integrity really is. Knowing where you stand and not letting other people push you off of that.

[I watched some of the Apprentice. Donald Trump and I share the same birthday, and almost the same time of birth! The biggest difference between him and I, is that when I become disgustingly rich, I’m going to use that money to buy a toupee that fits.]

I got down today for a brief moment. I don’t mean, got down like I put on some classic funk and busted out my afro and my moves; I mean, I got kind of moody. I was trying to re-organize my office and I came across a picture of someone I dated a long time ago. Have you ever come across a picture of someone you had deep feelings with a long time ago, but have since managed to completely put him out of your life, as if he never even existed? And then, when you see a picture of him, you think, “Who is this?” You have no idea. It’s like they really didn’t exist, or they were just a figment of your imagination. So I put this picture away quickly because I didn’t want to look at it, but it’s haunting me a little.

It goes like this. We meet someone and then have an intense, intimate connection with that person, and it’s almost as if a part of you that makes up the very being of who you are has merged with the other person. But then for whatever reason, things on this level, this human/tangible level, just don’t work out and you separate, even though this part of you that’s connected, maybe a part of your soul, feels as though it’s been ripped away, and now you have a wound that you carry for a long time. At some point, to move on, you have to force yourself to forget about this person, this connection. And the more you take out this person in your mind and tell yourself that he was nobody and that connection was just a crazy thought, the more he becomes less of a person, and more of a symbol. A symbol of something that must be walked away from in order for you to function. So you paint this new picture in your mind of this person, who was horrible, or backstabbing or weak or ugly and how you just despised being with him. And he’s this person that you’re happy you never have to see again and you’ve made peace with this “Never,” this thing that is an absolute, for the rest of your life, an ending.

Seeing a picture reminds you that this wasn’t just this black and white, good and evil thing, but that this is a history, and a set of real feelings, and a person. And you have to take apart the make-believe castle you’ve built around your heart in your mind and face not the things you told yourself to believe, but some of the realities, good and bad, making it impossible to compartmentalize your feelings.

Mostly, when I saw this picture, I was shocked. I couldn’t believe that I had been really intimate with this person, had shared such a depth of feelings. And all that was left of him was this two dimensional image showing tiny glimmers of what it was that had gone on inside of us. And I looked at him and thought, “Was that what you looked like?” Because he doesn’t look like the man I once loved and KNEW. He looks like a mildly familiar stranger, like someone whom I may have taken the same bus with every weekday for years, whose his inner-workings and soul effervescence had been overlooked by me.

If you stopped for a moment and just thought about it…isn’t it sad how people come and go within our lives? Do you ever say goodbye to an acquaintance, and as they’re walking away wonder, is this the last time I’m ever going to see this person? Do you ever hug an older relative and then wonder, is this the last time I’ll hug you? Have you ever kissed a boyfriend or girlfriend, and just felt it down to your soul, that this would be the very last time you kissed? Even if things are going really well? Do you ever just know this?

Sometimes I do. And it hurts so much in that moment. And then it hurts every time I remember that moment.

Goodbyes are awful. You know what? If I were granted three wishes, it would be 1. World Peace 2. A big rack 3. Never having to say goodbye again.

I don’t like looking at pictures of people I know I will never see again. No matter if we had a good relationship or a bad relationship. It’s just having to face the true meaning of Never… that’s why we need to believe in things like God, and ghosts and past-lives, right? So that we can say, yeah, there’s a Never, but there’s no such thing as Never…. Because on some level, things go on, right?

Wouldn’t that be nice to think that there’s no such thing as Never? Only Always. And even if the people you don’t like, all the things that you have to do that you hate, even if all these things were ALWAYS present, so would all the good things in your life. You would never have to say goodbye to a loved one. Never have to think, this is the last time I’ll ever be able to walk, this is the last time I’ll ever watch the sun set over the ocean, this is the last time I’ll taste fresh orange juice on a beautiful Sunday morning with the love of my life by my side… I would gladly agree to live with the constant presence of the worst things in my life, so that I can have the constant presence of the best things in my life.

Always. That’s my idea of heaven. And it’s also a maxipad.