today the subject is shadows. particularly, the shadows of our past, the shadows that form into entire identities whose darkness can suddenly wash through us, filling us with fierce, breathing storms that seem to bring the coldest chill to the hearts closest to us. in a way, this storm is our life force, rejuvenating us, refilling us with the passion that we have so forcefully trapped in padlocked basements before it suddenly breaks free, filling us.
this storm is not rage, though rage is similarly deep-rooted. when i am gripped by my most uncontrollable moments of rage, i am filled with fear, fear that i have been taken over by something destructive beyond my control, fear as a raw force whose sustenance requires pain.
but when it is the shadow that fills me, i am calm, detached. the shadow stirs up a storm that is as violent as it is soothing, as electric as it is cleansing. i am being lulled by the rhythm of the rain in the center of the tempest, knowing that things will happen the way they are supposed to happen, that with crippling devastation comes new life, so i let the storm expand into the fullest stretches of its static demands. i let it thrash i let it scream i let it breathe. i let it suffer i let it seduce i let it grieve. i let it tear off layers of earth until it reveals all that is buried beneath, storm waters forcing dense blackness to the surface so there is no denial, only recognition and acceptance, before washing them away…downstream towards a point in a gray horizon. i let it wind down until it is a breath, a single breath that passes through my body and out of me, until everything is connected again, and time has caught up with the present.
the shadow has carried everything that has ever been too difficult for me to carry. now that i am in a place where i can handle them, the shadow is releasing, dredging up everything so that i can put these fragments back together into an integrated, infinite being. my shadow has suffered stoicly at my hands and never complained.