between the click of the light and the start of a dream
how do we really know anyone in life outside of taking their word for it, and then experiencing the sum of their actions and reactions. to trust someone 100% requires a mutual trust in you 100%. it is complete openness, like water that flows between two entities with no resistance. how to explain your absolute need and desire to trust someone and give them everything they need to trust you, to want to be connected with someone on every level more than the value of life itself so that there is complete, absolute openness and oneness, when you fear that deep-down, they will never 100% let you in. how to explain your secret terror that you will spend your life living with a stranger, a mysterious, locked presence whose body and words only magnify the impenetrable silence behind them.
some people think being physically present is enough even when to the person who wants to be close to them, their insides are towering, pervading questions cloaked in shadows.
my father told me once that he never abandoned our family and that should have been enough. he told me i was greedy. what more do you want from me, he yelled, trying to back me down to the only acceptable answer for him…i want nothing.
how to explain to him what it feels like to want to deeply love someone, but feeling like you’re loving a stranger, a ghost, someone who is physically present but who you’ve already lost long before you were born. how to explain the desperation for something you could see and feel that could connect you, give you hint of meaning. how to explain the loneliness.
physical presence is not enough. like a hug with no arms. like open eyes solid as a heavy door bolted from the inside. like a midnight phone call stirring you from a deep slumber with only the echoes of silence.
how it feels when the most important man in your life is there, but not there.
sometimes you disappear.
sometimes i dream that one day, you will disappear completely, leaving only the body of a man to remind me that the depths i’ve dreamed of will always lay next to me, but remain entire universes out of my reach.
is it possible to have it all, a consistent and present connection of body, mind, heart and soul?