pick and choose your battles. pick and choose your battles.
if you really wanted me to be really honest, i’ll tell you everything but you have to be willing to hear me first, not attack everything that comes out of my mouth at first sign of skin.
maybe i say too much when i’m honest. i’m known for my honesty sometimes for my brutality with it.
i wish i could have been there for him with my arms.
fear is such a disease. you can conquer it to the edges of you, just feeling it as a pressure on your heart, but you have to always focus on remaining relaxed and clear and stronger than fear so it doesn’t pull you into it’s circle of rage, passing back and forth between people.
3 night…7 hours of sleep. can’t eat. head clear. constantly touched by people. heart full.
you wouldn’t believe how much i love him. it’s like my dedication to him forces me to travel deep inside myself and accept the parts of myself that are so difficult for me to love, just so i can give him as much of everything as i can rip from walls with bare hands. if i were honest and not so tired from awareness, tired from wrestling with him, i would tell him…stop worrying. i would want him to believe in himself. i would want him to stop being afraid of me. i would want him to take care of me. i would want him to feel confident that he could take care of me. i would want him to know that with someone who is really willing to come with me, i will light the way. as long as he can protect my body from darkness.
sometimes it’s like the sheer power to believe isn’t enough to make people trust. why do we walk wounded. some of us aren’t even wounded. sometimes i feel like life tried to blind me, and all of a sudden, i found i could see a side of things not everyone can see. no sleep no food no mind. just present perceiving and a feeling of being in the world and being without. i haven’t even looked at my cards yet. i wonder if the will speak to me.
i always slap people. energetically. not enough to really hurt anyone but just a warning that i’m joking but i’m serious. sometimes i’m really angry, and whenever i’m angry, i want people to stand up. i want them to be bigger than this. which loved one hasn’t been cussed at by me? i laugh when you call me abusive. if you only knew how wide my heart was for your happiness.
we fight. it directly correlates to fucking. one energizes the other. one can’t live without the other. every day you need one or the other. we make positive choices. some days it feels we will spontaneously combust. if it could happen we would probably look forward to it because it would bring us closer together.
i talk to him the way i talk to myself. for better or for worse. sometimes i just want to unleash my straightforwardness on him. my honesty. show him everything. but i’m pretty sure he doesn’t really want to see yet, hence the resistance, so i am patient. i don’t think it will happen until he can actually hear me. one day, he’ll just get it, who the hell i am. then i’ll start using less words and more meaning. try not to run straight at crabs. it kind of tweaks them. can’t really hug them either, until you transform the crab into a man.
learn what truth is for me. you really want to know, you peel off every layer of something (with every layer having its own truth) until you finally get its core truth, its being. you have to be persistent, because if you don’t ask for it, you won’t get through the layers. people hate answering the same question over and over. they don’t understand that if they actually heard the question and considered the answer honestly, they would be able to give an answer that would satisfy the question.
today was a good day. yesterday was a good day. everyone is happy around me. i’m so confused by the weather and the way the air feels. i’m actually motivated to go to the beach.
ah, beach. venice. social experiments. truth.
yes. tomorrow i’m going to disappear.