Echo

Ouroboros – Cruise Report Part II

Day One – Sunday, 7/26

We made it onto the boat. Found our rooms in the aft section (back of the boat), lucky floor 8, and had a little balcony. I didn’t even know rooms on cruise ships could have balconies. It was amazing. (note: recently I found out the penthouses have baby grand pianos. The balls of it!)

Was tickled to see the name of the boat was the Celebrity Mercury. With Mercury being my ruling planet, it made me feel like right here, right now, was probably where I’m supposed to be.
Changed into shorts and hung out on the Sky Deck on my own with what seemed like everyone else on the ship as we set sail. As expected, the demographic seemed to be made up of mostly families with young children, the elderly and couples. Said hi to people who made eye contact but didn’t talk to anyone. Took a few pictures. Looked out at the water. A seagull followed next to the boat right about eye level and I thought how, to him, he was soaring at a great height while to me, he was parallel to me from where i stood. how two perspectives in completely different places can sometimes occupy the same space for a brief moment in time. Stood in awe as we passed under a bridge. Excited for the adventure of the unknown. As the present stands, I’ve stored up more energy than I’ve ever carried before. I could probably will into reality anything I want. But I want to make sure that I will want what I get, when I get what I want. So I’m patient.

Explored. Not impressed with the basketball court. Some nice seating areas for reading/writing. I found the gym and there was only one guy working out in it, but it was nice. Figured I would be spending a lot of time here considering I really can’t afford for my body to balloon because of the Bahamas cruise in 2 weeks. I really wish the order of these cruises had been reversed, so the 7-day Binge Cruise could have come after the 3-day Bikini-Mandatory Bahamas cruise.

Went and got food with my mom and her friend. My mom disappeared…I guess she couldn’t find us. Or didn’t try. I don’t know. I spent the time talking to her friend who told me about her kids, and how when they used to bring home bad grades, they would be so worried about it but she didn’t care. She felt like bad grades just meant that her kids knew they had room to improve, and that if a student doesn’t do well, it’s a reflection of the teacher. She’s a teacher herself. She talked about my grandmother and how my grandmother is so used to getting her way, that she’s kind of like a spoiled child. You do have to walk on eggshells around her and make sure she gets her way. She’s kind of self-centered. I told my mom’s friend that I worry my mom is going to be like that the older she gets. I notice that we’ve been having some pretty serious conflicts lately, strong enough that sometimes I wonder if I just have to go away for a while and live my own life in whatever way I want or need, without her knowing anything about it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about optimal distances to appreciate someone. Like some people are stunning from 30 feet, but not as good-looking from 2. Maybe there’s a distance correlation in terms of relationships–some people are great people if you are a certain distance away from them, but your chemistry just gets bad if you get too close. Maybe my mom and I do best with more distance between us. It’s sad because I want so badly for us to have a close relationship and we do…as long as things are good. And she’s getting her way. But then…whenever she acts self-centeredly, it just flares up how angry I am that there were so many unfair things that I shouldered growing up but did it for the good of the family, and how easy it is to erase all of my sacrifices I’ve made for the family and her when it suits her. What’s up with that? Sometimes I think that’s why if I just stopped expecting anything, stopped wanting a close relationship and stopped wondering what part of what she says or does with me is selfishly motivated or competitive, and what part has had any consideration for me. I need to not get trapped. Not be afraid. Go far away.

Going to Amsterdam last year was probably pivotal in terms of building my confidence in myself and the personal navigation of risk-taking, because I never thought I would have had the guts to go so far away. I remember how she told me bitterly that none of the decisions I made last year were any that she would make. But I will always think of 2008 as the year I set myself free…probably my biggest win year thus far, because I got to experience another pace of life, one that I enjoyed much better. Even though things didn’t work out romantically, it really did make me so much stronger, my sense of self and my relationship to the world more defined. I think at the beginning of the journey starting with Leap Day last year, I had gained a real sense of my power and potential but was still learning how to use them. Now, I feel like I don’t have to think about them as much to make positive things happen with them. I have more confidence, my sense of identity has filled out, and now it’s not just about what I can do, but about the refinement and very importantly, the timing and situational evaluation of what I can do. Clearly I can magnetize and attract things. Now I have to learn about making good decisions when I’m doing these things.

Incidentally, before I left for this trip, I had been thinking a lot that what I’m looking for is a man with a good sense of timing. That has been in my head a lot. 1. I’m seeking inspiration; 2. I am seeking a man with a good sense of timing; 3. I will not get pushed from the moments of space that are specifically mine–the place and time where I’m supposed to be, to encounter all that is meant specifically for me.

I had some time to kill before dinner so I went to the gym and got more headway on Crime and Punishment. Finished Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. Didn’t know ol’ Sherlock was a cokehead.

Changed for dinner. Food was good. Headed up to their dance club and was happy to see Jodie with Edison. Got to dance with Edison for like 2 minutes which was awesome, but then they kicked everyone under 18 out so I lost my dance partner.

So our travel agent messed up and somehow, the card I got says I’m a child so I can’t charge anything to the card. I was supposed to get that worked out earlier but forgot, so I figured I would wait until my mom got there (she was planning to meet up) so she could put it on hers. So I just sat at the bar and people watched. There was a Singles Cruise thing going on so people were wearing these badges around their necks that showed they were with that group. The thing was that I’d seen lots and lots of women ranging in age, but a couple of really old guys. It was a bit tragic, kind of like that time I walked in on speed-dating. There was only one guy who was around my age on the floor, and he was dancing with a girl with short blond hair who seemed like she might be a little wildcat-ish judging from her dancing. I remember laughing to myself about how he seemed kind of like a normal, nice guy from the midwest who was in over his head with her. Little did I know these two would soon become two of my homies on this cruise.

This really old guy kept inching closer and closer to me. But at the rate his courage was going, I figured my mom had about 15 minutes to get here before I would have to talk to him. And indeed, she got there just as he asked me to dance. I got a drink (what’s my drink? that’s right. sapphire/tonic, two olives & one lime). I danced one song, found my shoes to be too slippery for the floor, went back to the room to read Crime and Punishment until I fell asleep.

Day Two – Monday, 7/27

A full day at sea. Went to the gym first thing in th
e morning. The day before had been really warm and sunny, so when I went outside in my workout outfit of a sleeveless top and shorts, I was shocked to discover a world of gray and everyone in heavy coats and blankets. It was a very cold walk from one end of the ship to the other, complete with lots of stares. Saw the guy from the dance floor the night before lifting weights. I think I must have started the conversation because we were sharing an area and I commented they needed more benches, because there were about 4 guys rotating on the same bench with the same set of weights. We talked about my Kindle. I mentioned I saw him on the dance floor and he asked if I was the girl in red sitting at the bar. He introduced himself as Tom from Hawaii.

I ran a few miles on the treadmill while reading Crime and Punishment (it’s surprisingly really good at keeping me focused away from the pain and tedium of running), but the boat was rocking so running would alternate between feeling really light and really heavy. It was probably too much for my mind and body–running at a 6.5 mph pace while reading a Russian classic while keeping rhythm with the boat without falling off the treadmill. I got a little dizzy and went to lie down and stretch. Tom came up and asked if I would be interested in joining him for lunch, so we grabbed some food. He’s a really nice guy, but he feels young. At the beginning of his journey. He did mention that his family was going salmon fishing in Ketchikan because they’d met the excursion director who said the fish are nearly jumping into the boat. I was psyched because I wanted to do one fishing excursion but didn’t know which one to choose, so I said I would sign up for it as well and try to get on the same boat as them.

He asked me what my plans were and I said I would probably read by the outdoor pools. But when I got showered and dressed, I saw there was bingo, so I headed there instead. I ran into my mom with Jonathan on the way. She wasn’t interested in bingo at all but tagged along, which was ironic because she ended up getting really competitive about it. We sat in the back and after the first game, Jonathan pointed to the front of the auditorium and said, “There’s my dad!” I thought he was mistaken, but I looked where he pointed and sure enough, it was his mom and dad with Edison in the 5th row. They were setting up for the next game so I told Jonathan we were going to sneak up on them and whisper, “We’re gonna win” in his dad’s ear and run away. So we snuck down the aisle stealthily and just when we were two rows away, Jonathan screams, “Daddy!!”

Gah! What a terrible partner in crime.

Everyone turns to look including his dad, and I say, “That wasn’t the plan!” Scoop him up and carry him under my arm running back up to our seats as he’s yelling, “We’re gonna wiiiiiin!”

We moved to the same row as Edison and family, and Edison kept creeping over and whispering that he was gonna beat us. I don’t think he really knew what it meant to win at bingo but just liked saying that, so we went back and forth, silently doing the DeNiro I’m-watching-you move from Meet the Parents.

Formal dinner. I wore my fire-engine red dress. Saw Tom sitting at a table with two girls as we were leaving. He asked where we were going and I said we were going to some show in the theater. Our group got split up so I had Edison with me, and we ended up sitting in the peanut gallery behind Tom and the two girls he introduced as Sarah (the blonde from the dance floor the night before) and Ajay. The show was a musical covering songs from movies, award winners and different themes. They did Danger Zone from Top Gun and the guy who was “Tom Cruise” came out in this crazy gay red shirt (Top Gun is a very gay movie).

Goodness, I said. Then I told Edison, don’t ever wear a shirt like that. When you get older, I’ll tell you why.

Which made it even funnier because when they did YMCA as the Village People (disappointingly, the Indian was missing), Edison turned to me and said, This isn’t right! They’re dancing like girls! Everyone in our section laughed and I whispered, I’ll explain that to you as well when you’re older. Overall, the show wasn’t that great, but the songs were good. The best part was definitely Edison trying to mimic every dance. He’s a really cool kid.

Edison went home with his dad and I went dancing with Tom and the two girls. He was spending most of his time dancing with me, so the girls left. We talked a little bit and he was definitely hitting on me, but he kept talking about his ex-girlfriends, which was a little annoying, not because I was necessarily interested in him, but he seemed to be projecting an internal battle inside his head, and I was just sitting there witnessing it. End of the night, he walked me back to my room which was very gentlemanly, and there was a little worry in the back of my mind that he would try something, but I got out of it with a quick hug and went to my room. Read until I fell asleep.

Day Three – Tuesday, 7/28 – Sitka

We arrived at Sitka in the morning. The coastline was beautiful with high mountains lush with greenery. My mom and I had signed up for kayaking. We had to take a boat off the ship, then a bus to the dock, then a banana boat to a bay where they had a little floating station. The life vests we wore made me feel like an orange marshmallow, but we swapped them out for lighter ones on the kayaks.

Leaving the restaurant, we walked by Tom’s table again, and he asked if we were going to dance upstairs. We said sure so our whole group including my family went up to the danceclub. It turns out there’s a Dancing with the Stars competition going on, with the officers dancing with guests. We got there at the end of the semi-finals I think, and since we’d missed most of the dancing, it was like picking horses for the winner–I just picked numbers I liked. I cheered for 9 (my favorite number), who got a lot of applause, but I noticed that when they got to 11 (my 3rd favorite number, after 29 and 9), there were loud cheers from predominantly women. Wow, the ladies love that one, I said to our group. They redid the vote between 9 and 11 to see who got it, and again I noticed 11 got lots of cheers from all the ladies. The guy was a tall guy with a shaved head. I like a guy who can rock a shaved head, I said to Sarah, for really no apparent reason, because I can’t remember ever having any feelings or opinions one way or another about guys with shaved heads.

After the competition, they turned the place into this crazy 60’s dance party with flailing hippies, a Beatles lookalike band rocking Guitar Hero guitars, and these Fembot dancers and Andy Warhol lookalikes. Very Austin Powers, totally awesome. Come Halloween, get ready for Brian and I.

but which is brian and which is julia?

The dance floor was pretty crowded so I was sitting down, people watching. I didn’t really feel like dancing, while Tom hit the floor with Sarah. After the music turned into regular dance music, the crowd thinned. I was deep in thought exploring random places in my mind when I noticed that some of the officers from the competition had stuck around and were now on the dance floor. In particular, I couldn’t take my eyes off of 11, the tall guy with the shaved head. There was something about him, his energy, his luminescence, his smile, his rhythm, an enthusiasm for life, a confidence in and enjoyment of the moment…what was it? I wasn’t sure, something about him made him stand out. I barely noticed anything else. He seemed to glow, like some great force was present inside him, just inside on the other side of the door. I wondered if that’s what people mean when they say I glow. Maybe this guy’s a reality projector. Maybe this guy is a magnet like me. Maybe he has answers.

The next sequence I can’t explain. I felt a sudden compulsion to know who he was. What he was. Where his light was coming from. The urge was so overwhelming, it shot me to my feet with an explosion of electricity, and I just as quickly sat back down. That was strange.

I looked around for O’Neil, my buddy from Jamaica who was a server I always talked to. He had been around stopping to chat every few minutes, but the moment I needed him, he was gone. I thought, maybe this is a sign that this is nothing. Another paper lantern, a source of light that I follow and find to be empty. Another false lead from the universe to tell me, either my faith and commitment to trusting the signs that go behind rationality and logic are still being tested to see what I deserve, or I am the world’s greatest, most gullible fool. I sat there, watching, wondering what lay inside this man. My mind was surging with electricity, and if I could have folded time and space and willed him over, I would have, but to walk up and say something was completely impossible. Remember, I am deceptively shy–rarely do I initiate contact, especially when the pull overwhelms my logic center and I question who or what is in control of my faculties.

The music changes and the DJ has put on Cher, Do You Believe in Life After Love. Terrible. Now no one was dancing, all the men on one side, girls on the other. Like a bad prom. I was hoping the DJ would let it go for 30 seconds, but seeing it had killed the dance floor, change it to something else. But then I saw him walking away from the turntables, and I had a great moment of panic that he was going to play the whole song. So I walk over and signal I want to talk to him, and he comes out of his booth.

What’s up, he says.

You can’t play Cher, I say. It’s basically a command.

Why not?, he asks, almost offended.

Look over there. You’ve got a group of handsome young men ready to dance, and a handful of girls who want to dance with them, and they’re not doing anything. You need to inject some life in here, get the jungle juices going, something with a little [I made a some beat noises that gave him the idea of the level of…passion…that was needed].

His face breaks out into a broad smile. Ooooh, I get you, he said. I know what you want.

I walk back to my seat. A few minutes later, the opening beat of Rihanna’s Disturbia begins to play. The DJ looks at me and I give him a big thumbs up. This is one of my theme songs!

Julia…sometimes the darkness is the light…

I could feel my power oozing through me, black well water on a moonlit night breaking free from stone walls and seeping into the soil. I could taste it.

Tom and Sarah are waving me over to come dance with them, but I barely acknowledge them. I’m busy. My vision is narrowing. I know what I want to do. I don’t know what I want to do. The beat is inside of me.

Disturbia…it’s like the darkness is the light…

Disturbia…am I scaring you tonight…

Suddenly, I’m on my feet. I’m walking to the bar. I’m waving the bartender over. I’m a tiny voice in my head screaming, what the fuck are you doing???????

The beat is coursing through me.

Who’s that guy?, I ask the bartender, pointing to 11.

He works on the boat, the bartender says, but you can talk to him, pointing to a scrawny guy in his 40’s who had been lurking by the bar all night. I realized the bartender thought I was just lecherously looking for someone to hit on, maybe hook up with. wtf? I’m annoyed. My purposes are usually so much loftier. Or so I would like to think.

I know he works here, I say. When you get a chance, can you ask him to come over? I want to talk to him.

You’re sitting over there?, the guy asks, pointing to where I’d been rooted for most of the night.

Yeah, I say, and walk back to my seat.

I saw 11 get pulled off the dance floor, and my heart skipped. For a moment, I didn’t know where I was, who I was, what was happening, or where this was going. Just suddenly lost all my reference points. I didn’t even understand how I was in this situation, when the next thing I know, here’s 11 walking up to me and I know I’m now under the gun.

He introduces himself as Christian and asks me where I’m from. Los Angeles, I say. He says he’s from Italy.

Player!, I think. But anyway…

Who are you?, I ask him.

Crap. Not this question again, even though this is probably my overwhelming question to him. Who are you, what are you, and why are you so shiny to me, that you managed to get a part o
f me to override my directives and engage with you. People usually approach me. Rarely do I initiate with people, even when I want to.

He kind of looks surprised at the question but is a good sport. He tells me he’s the marketing manager on the ship.

I tell him he’s the best dancer on the floor. He laughs and asks if I want to dance, and with Disturbia playing, basically my song playing, I do, but I say no (I know, it makes total sense). I’m really not in control of myself here. I say that I like watching people dance and suggest that he dance with Sarah because she’s more up to his speed (I meant in terms of enjoyment of dancing and skill level), but he laughs and says he doesn’t think he could handle her.

I’m kind of wanting out of this conversation because it’s awkward, it’s feeling very paper lanterny and I’m beyond irritated with myself because I don’t understand why I am in this place and time in this moment. I have no idea how I got here. A merengue song comes on that he’d requested and he gets really excited and excuses himself for the dance floor. I’m relieved. I want to be alone to have a very stern talk with myself.

Tom and Sarah come back and I say that I’m taking off because I’m tired. Sarah wants to keep dancing so Tom says he’ll walk me back to my room and then come back to join her.

We walk back and I’m kind of quiet, but Tom’s keeping up the conversation. When we reach my floor, he suddenly turns and asks me:

“Do I turn you on?”

Hmmm. I’ve been asked many questions in my life but I don’t think I’ve ever received that one with the level of sincerity with which it was presented.

Well…,I said, thinking that I had no idea how to answer this question. Part of me felt it was karma for asking my ridiculous “Who are you” question to Christian. I don’t know how to answer that, I said, which was honest. I had no idea.

He tells me that he thinks I’m a really cool and interesting person, that he really likes the place my mind is in and he would love the opportunity to get to know my mind better and spend some time with me. I think, then why can’t we just hang out the way we are, as friends, and what does that have anything to do with whether he turns me on. But of course, it’s because he’s talking about something else and just not being up front.

He says he thinks we could have a lot of fun together and he’s just looking to have fun.

By now we’re in front of my room whispering, and I’m thinking about this conversation. I’m sitting in another moment in the absolute present, not quite sure how to handle it but not completely surprised since it’s been brewing for a couple of days and seemed inevitable to come to this crossroad from the moment we connected.

I think about where I am now. In January, I got out of probably the only relationship I’ve ever had where I can say I truly loved and felt passionate about the person, but the dynamics of that relationship spanked me so hard, that it took me a lot of strength, faith in myself, hard work and soul-searching to gather myself into a better, stronger person than I was going into it. In the months after, I probably got more attention from the opposite sex than I ever have in my life, which I attributed to my new level of strength and confidence, as well as my new commitment to take care of myself and only let in things that are good for me. I’ve noticed that the quality of the people approaching me has also improved, nice, dynamic guys with good energy, guys I would have loved to have dated when I was younger, but at the same time, I’ve been pretty focused on wanting something that has substance. Something…specific. I get this feeling sometimes, that even when someone approaches me and is a really great person, that they’re just “not my dude.” I’ll usually feel it in a way that this guy belongs to someone else, either he’s got someone sitting in his mind he still loves from the past, or there’s someone he’s currently with or wants to be with who occupies his heart in the present, or there’s someone in his future that will walk this life together with him who will complete him, but who isn’t me. Sometimes past, present and future occupy the same space to me, so I can’t always tell where this feeling comes from, but I know, this person’s core belongs to someone else, not to me. And I really want only what’s mine right now.

Does he turn me on? Well, I like that he’s a nice guy with a big heart. I can sense that we have a small level of superficial physical chemistry. But I’ve also been pretty determined in being celibate since the break up, wanting to keep all of my strength and power inside me, only wanting to open it up with someone I feel truly passionate about who would make the power multiply instead of drain. I haven’t really met anyone that I felt compelled enough to even pursue anything close. I hadn’t even dated or kissed anyone up until my trainer a few weeks ago, and it was after we developed a rapport over the last few months and he pursued me, surprising me, and I knew quickly while the affair was still innocent that this wasn’t going anywhere.

I saw that he’d taken a few steps towards me, and if I didn’t make a decision soon, it was going to be made for me.

I think you’re a little too young for me, I said.

He didn’t really like that answer and I think I could have said something better, more thoughtful, but I’m still a shy person at heart and if you put me on the spot like that, I’m a bit awkward. But the thing I like about our connection is that it’s warm and friendly, so we changed subjects, laughed about it and moved on. Before he left to go back to the club, he asked me if I was sure. I said, yes. You’re going to regret it!, he laughed as he ran up the stairs.

I don’t know. The idea of something light and physical would have been fun, especially since I’m on vacation, I’m a highly passionate person who has been penting for 8 months, and probably the only reason I’m in the best shape of my life is that I’ve got to get rid of all this passion and energy somehow. But the idea of engaging in something purely physical and casual for the fun of it just hasn’t compelled me enough to make the effort to turn it into a reality, if that makes sense. I can’t say why exactly, just that it hasn’t really made me that motivated. Would I regret it? Probably as much as when I regret not having room for dessert after dinner, but not much outside of that.

I go to bed. Sleep soundly.

Day 4 – Wednesday 7/29 – Hubbard Glacier

Woke up to find we were surrounded by mountains and ice. It was gorgeous. Took a really, really hot shower, not at all by choice because I couldn’t get the water temp under scorching, so when I went to the Sky Deck to take pictures, I ended up walking around in a t-shirt because my body temperature was so high and I was sweating. I got many, many, many looks about it. But then later, I realized that my, ahem, nipples could be seen through my shirt in very cold weather so maybe that had something to do with it. I have to pay more attention to things like that when I dress in the morning.

Found the family, walked around with Edison and my mom taking pictures. They announced they had a piece of the glacier on board and I was really excited, heading downstairs to find it was a smallish block of ice. Kind of disappointed. As I walked up, I saw Christian, the officer from the dance club the other night that I had been bizarre with. Was very embarrassed but still smiled and waved. Saw hi
m on the next level a few minutes later and may or may not have put my head down and crossed to the other side of the ship. I’m not telling.

Tom had told me to call him if I wanted to hang out, so I called him and found out he had food poisoning. He was out for the day. I spent the morning listening to my iPod and doing my 3 page free-write on the Sky Deck. Finished Crime & Punishment. Next book, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz. It was inspirational, being surrounded by such beauty that I found my mind kept drifting off into space.

Walked around and got a schedule. Found out there was a HORSE contest and decided to check it out, after getting some cinnamon ice cream (cinnamon ice cream — The Fuel of Champions). In line, I met this guy in his 40’s who was talking to a boy about going back up to the basketball court. I asked him if he was going for the HORSE contest and he didn’t know about it, saying he and some friends were playing 2 on 2 and that I should join. I got my ice cream, went back to the room to change into shorts. My mom’s friend was in the room and asked where I was going.

Upstairs to win a HORSE contest, I said. haha, I was kind of kidding, but I kept saying in my head, I’m in it to win it.

When I showed up, there was an Australian woman (Mary?) running the show. There were about 10 people, mostly men and 2 other girls, one of whom they were saying played college basketball. I don’t think the woman running the contest really knew the rules to horse, because she made up some arbitrary rules where each person takes a turn “starting,” so if one person makes a shot, everyone has to attempt the same shot whether or not the person before them missed. So if you made a shot, you had the chance to tag the other 9 people with a letter. But then she never remembered the order so a lot of people got to keep starting. Bizarre. The first guy made an outside shot, which to my irritation, I missed. The wind was a huge factor so this would have to be a strategic game. When it was my turn, I got in a left-handed layup which gave everyone but 2 people letters. This guy made a reverse layup, which was really annoying because I’ve never made a reverse lay-up intentionally in my life. In fact, just last week my coach had wanted me to do a reverse lay-up drill, and I told him this would not be pretty. When I started, I made such a mess of it he laughed so hard he doubled over with his hands on his knees, and thus ended that drill. I figured I was done, but amazingly, I made it. Strange. We went around again, and I stayed in it. Then the same guy did a reverse layup again. What a fucker! I didn’t think lightning could strike twice, but I went for it, and to my complete and utter amazement, I made it. Two reverse layups, the only two I’ve ever made in my life? Now this is very, very strange. The next guy did a shot under the basket that was a right-hand hook, which should be easy because this is basically part of a warm-up drill I do, but to my irritation, I missed it.

Julia, the Australian woman said. I haven’t seen you make a mistake yet. This is a first.

I’m glad she said that because it refocused me.

We were down against the wire. There were 4 of us left, all of us at HORS with one missed shot meaning elimination. But we hadn’t set a shot yet. The first guy did an outside shot which he missed. The next guy did an over-the-head shot with his back to the basket, which thank god, he missed. The remaining girl, the college basketball player, tried a regular close shot which wasn’t so hard, but luckily, she missed.

Let’s take it back to fundamentals, I said, and got the left-handed layup again. My revenge to the reverse layup guy.

All 3 missed and I won a t-shirt.

I stayed to play 2 on 2 with 3 of the guys, and christ, they were so rough. I played pretty well, had one up and over spin move that was probably really stupid because it was a high risk move for my knee given the type of court I was playing on and how rough the guys were being, but it was really pretty. We played a couple of games and my partner and I won both. It was wicked, the way we dominated. Afterwards, we were all talking and they mentioned they went to Michigan. I went to Michigan, too, I said. Go blue!

That was pretty cool. They graduated almost 20 years before me. Then they said they were from Texas, and I told them I was born in Texas. We’re so kindred, I said, and we all laughed and parted ways.

I decided to hit the gym while my heart rate was up, and when I walked through the cafe, everyone would double-take and look at me. I figured either I was bleeding somewhere and didn’t know it (seriously, those guys were unbelievably rough), or I must have looked strange. When I got to the gym and looked in a mirror, my face was all red and my hair was sticking up everywhere, like I’d rubbed it with a balloon. It was actually really funny.

I had some time to kill before dinner, so I went to the cafe on the 6th floor to finish my free-write. I’ve actually been avoiding free-writing for over a week, so it’s really good that I felt like doing it. It’s like the flow was returning. In the corner, the cruise director and the other guy with the cool first name I can never figure out how to say were filming a daily message. I totally thought the cruise director was gay.

Excerpts:

When you have something that is close to you, you feel fear and you want it to be away. You feel a lack of control and it gives you an extreme sense of anxiety. You also have an inability in vocalizing what you want. You are afraid of letting people know what you want, like if they knew, they would know what to deny you. Where does this come from?

You have said it before that you don’t know how to play. You are very funny but you’re a very serious person. Do you just want to have fun? Not really. Why? Because every time I say, I want to be like everyone else and just take things easy, it always happens that other people obligate me with their feelings. It’s like the universe doesn’t allow for a situation with a mutual agreement. Things always are deep, not that it’s bad, but it’s always deep. I mean, how light are any of us when we meet the things that tug on our heartstrings? When we are faced with gain or loss that we invest our hearts into. the problem is my heart is always open. and it unlocks other people. it’s never superficial if i’m showing myself. the only solution is to find a balance, someone seeking and wanting a similar depth. Maybe the world is what we make it, but we want things the way we want them.

What is your next step? You call them over, you want something, then what? You don’t know how to state the things you want. There needs to be a step 2. What do you do when you have their attention? You act like you have a strong first step, but then what? To be honest, you take the first step, there’s only one play–strong and aggressive. And the closer people get, the more obvious it is you aren’t aggressive but sensitive. This is a contradiction that not everyone will understand.

I have to be different from other people. I’m not looking for a path for the sake of being different. I’m looking for a different path because this path is mine–specific to me. I only want what’s mine because what belongs to me will be enough. Once you finally work that imbalance out of you, that imbalance people leave who aren’t yours but who try to override your natural processes to convince you they are, you don’t want anyone else inside again. Not anyone who isn’t yours, where there’s no mutual benefit. It’s like the cuckoo laying its eggs in other birds’ nests to be nurtured by another mother, even though the nurture is meant for its own brood, who suffer. I don’t want any more people trying to convince me they’re my destiny, taking advantage of my faith in the universe just to feed off me. Imposters. What happened to my eyes that I can’t see, yet I can
see so much? In an echoing world of blindness, you find yourself a god to hang on to and you fight your way towards him with all you’ve got. Where is my purpose in this world? I seek and I seek and I seek. Maybe I’m not meant to find if I don’t want to stop seeking. I don’t want to stop believing in the “more” that is out there. Have you come to give me solace? Have you come to give me reprieve? I found my faith upon a rock in the sand, sinking sinking sinking into an everchanging silence.

That night, after dinner, I didn’t feel like going to the dance club. My mom and I checked out the sock hop they had going on in the Pavilion Club, but it wasn’t very interesting so we settled for this guy, Justin Wade, performing acoustically. He was actually really good, doing a cover of Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty when we got there. I liked that his voice had soul.

We sat away from most of the other people, hiding in the corner. The servers kept coming over and asking us if we wanted a drink but we kept declining.

He did a few other songs, and I was thinking how much I would have loved to hear him cover David Gray. I remember as he was singing, that I hoped he would ask for requests, but figured that I would be too shy to yell anything out. I was thinking about it when he finished the song, and then something funny happened.

He turned to us and asked my mom and I specifically if we had any requests. Wow.

David Gray, I said without hesitation.

I can do that, he said, and got into Babylon.

I love Babylon. White Ladder is an album that has huge significance for me, having accompanied me through many low times, and while my favorite song on the album depends on the given moment (Sail Away is so poetic and beautiful, Please Forgive Me reminds me how uplifting his concerts are, My Oh My stirs the depths of my emotional well, Say Hello Wave Goodbye is my life), I love the story in Babylon.

So I’m like soooooooooooo happy I feel like the sun’s radiating out of my chest. I can’t describe it, how perfect it was that in this moment, I was hearing one of my favorite songs when I had just been thinking in my head how much I really wanted to hear David Gray.

He didn’t do the 3rd verse, which is the best part:

Sunday all the lights of London shining,
Sky is fading red to blue
I’m kicking through the Autumn leaves
And wondering where it is you might be going to
Turning back for home
You know I’m feeling so alone
I can’t believe
Climbing on the stair
I turn around to see you smiling there
In front of me

I love this song’s happy ending. I want so badly to believe things like this can happen, that what’s lost returns when you least expect it. Beautiful. I was telling my mom about the missing verse when a server approaches and asks us again if we want a drink.

I’m saying we don’t, when he says, these are compliments from the executive chef, and points. I see the chef in the corner, and had noticed him earlier because he was singing along to all the songs. It was even funnier because I had walked by the wall earlier in the day where they have the officers’ pictures up, and I had specifically found his picture and remembered his name was Denton.

I didn’t really want to drink but didn’t want to refuse so I ordered a gin and tonic, but the server suggested a martini. I’m not a big drinks-that-are-pure-alcohol drinker, but I figured if he recommended it, it would be good, so I asked for it very dirty (again, I don’t like drinks that just taste like I’m swigging from the bottle).

Oh you like it very dirty, he said.

I looked him in the eye and didn’t want him to think I knew what he was implying, so I said, deadpanned, “Yes. Yes I do.”

He brought the drink, I toasted the chef, we continued listening to music.

He played Ryan Adams’ version of Wonderwall, which is amazing, and then introduced another Ryan Adams song, saying that there were a few swear words in it, and hoped no one would be offended. At the same time, my mom says she’s tired, getting up to leave.

Oh, one person’s offended, Justin says.

She doesn’t like bad words, I joke.

He plays a soulful rendition of Come Pick Me Up , which may have been even better than the original. Or maybe it felt that way, because the night, the music, the feelings, the colors, the textures…everything in the spaces in between…was perfect.

After the song, the server comes back and asks if I’m in the 2nd seating. I say that I am. He asks me for our table number, and I tell him that I think it’s 628. He tells me that the chef wants to do something for our table for dinner tomorrow.

At the end of the set, as I’m getting up to leave, the chef comes over and introduces himself. I thank him for the drink and he asks me if I want to meet up in the Navigator later, but I tell him that I have to get up early the next day. He gives me his number and says we can meet up sometime, and it’s flattering, but I don’t know where he’s coming from…if he’s hitting on me, if he just wants to have conversation, or if he just really likes David Gray as well.

What a beautiful day. It was a 29 day, falling on the 29th, which almost guarantees magic. Exquisite, inspirational, exalted. Perfect.