But again, there’s the logical reasoning of…no one cares.
I just got back from a trip to the Grand Canyon. Three Words. Fucking Awe Some.
I realized that my personality type is that of a Loner. Who gets lonely. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? God are you there? It’s me, Julia. And I have a gun.
I also found out that my mother does not appreciate the phrase, “Dammit Jesus Christ Muthafucker.” Not one bit.
I have a lot of emotions but I don’t express them. Is that true? Have I been walking around giving my love out when in reality, no one even realizes it? I wonder if I come off totally unemotional. I know, I shouldn’t care so much how I come off or how people perceive me. But it is a little bit disturbing. That maybe my intentions aren’t being carried out by my self. Sometimes I don’t think people hear me. Sometimes I think that people don’t take me seriously, or don’t realize that I’m being vulnerable and they accidentally say the wrong thing that ends up hurting. Sometimes I think I’m a big pussy. And not in a good sense (but then again, is there really a good sense?). Mike asked me the other day if I feel like I’m on a different level than other people. I don’t know about levels, but sometimes I feel like I’m on a different plane, and that it’s all coming from my subjective perspective, but that I just have trouble relating in the same way other people do. I don’t think I intellectualize my perception of the universe and it’s form as a way to avoid dealing with emotions. But I do think I don’t always share how I feel or the things that make me vulnerable because I don’t trust people to treat me with sensitivity and kindness. I just don’t want to get hurt anymore. There. I said something honest.