Run, City, Run
Every day I find something beautiful and awe-inspiring. I feel like I’m having a love affair with the city of Seattle, and the people are incidental. They add to the experience, but it’s really about the adventure of discovery of all the special treasures of this city.
On Friday, right around sunset, I had the sudden urge to go for a jog. I’m an indoor athlete. And also part vampire (skin is very sensitive to sun, and allergic to sun block. Plus all the prowling at night). The only times I can remember jogging outside are the few times I’ve been in Taiwan and jogged…to the gym. But this was something special.
I can run for miles and miles on a treadmill as long as I have a book in front of me to keep my brain occupied…otherwise, I’m aware of how much everything hurts or burns and how slowly time moves, and I end up wanting to do something else. But running outside, I can only go a few blocks before becoming really bored.
But my run around my neighborhood was amazing. Everything was so beautiful, the weather was perfect, and every block was a new discovery; I ran for over an hour. I ran through my neighborhood, checking out people and food on the patios of restaurants. I ran until I would get myself lost, discovering new stores and architecture and landscapes, then ran myself back into the familiar. I ran along the water, heading all the way to the Fish Market, and back to where the cruise ships come in (the Celebrity Infinity had been docked that day but was gone just as abruptly as it appeared). I had the urge to high five everyone I passed. I ran the steps of Pier 66, across the bridge back into my neighborhood, then headed towards the Sculpture Garden with that amazing water fountain statue of the man and his child reaching for each other. I rested and met a couple from Eugene, Oregon, and talked to them for a bit. The sunset in the background was breathtaking.
I sprinted up the hills, ran forwards, backwards, laterally, sometimes dancing at stoplights, then stopping to take in the sunset in the little hidden alcoves I would find with panoramic views.
I’ve never felt so happy, so free, to be moving like mercury through space, the wind and pure inspiration at my back. I was surrounded by beauty and discovery. I was surrounded by everything that was proof of life and God. It was an incredible feeling of physical, spiritual and aesthetic euphoria.
Today, I ran towards the Sculpture Garden again and found a slope of grass overlooking the water. While waiting for the sunset, I read The Tale of the Rose by Consuelo de Saint-Exupery, the wife of Antoine de Saint-Exupery and supposed inspiration for The Little Prince. It’s a beautiful story so far. There’s a lot I could relate to that made me feel relieved and inspired.
“Consuelo, you are not a woman.”…
“Am I an angel, then? An animal? Do I not exist?” I asked him fiercely at last…
“For as long as we have been on this ship, I have been wondering what you are. I know I like what is within you, but I also know that you are not a woman.”
This made me laugh. I have been told this before as well, with similar vague and ambiguous explanations. It reminded me of the guy from the bar a few days ago, who wouldn’t (or couldn’t) explain why he wished me “Be good” as a kind farewell, but said that whatever I am, he respected both sides.
There were so many passages and quotes that either struck chords in me, giving me sudden words for abstract feelings that have floated inside me, and many things that I noted to remember as important for when the time is right.
“You’re going to live an intense life,” he said to Tonio. “Don’t let jealous people get to you, always keep moving ahead.” And he confided to me, “He’s a great fellow: make him write, and people will talk about the two of you.”
I think I understand the choice I need to make in life. I am being asked to choose–inspiration and fuel for art, but never having what I want most, because while I’m being denied what I “think” I want most (an enduring romantic love), I’m getting exactly what I want most–art. Or I could choose the stability of a working domestic partnership, grounded to earth, but I would have to give up seeking fuel for my art if it conflicts with the needs and boundaries of the relationship. The truth is, I have a belief that there’s a win-win situation where I can have the benefits of both. The trick is to balance the compromise so in the space between the two, I’m happy with what I have, and have no regret about what I gave up.
I’ve already accepted that what’s lost was once found and what’s found was once lost, so nothing of value is ever lost forever. If it was something you really needed, you’ll find it down the road, two feet ahead.
I’ve also accepted that I want only what’s mine, and what’s mine will become obvious when it’s the right time and I’ve decided I’m ready. That’s why I don’t worry about letting people go, or pursuing people. A wise man once told me, “You should never fight for love or chase it. Love should just happen.” I think life should just happen as well. And when I have to let go of certain people, I just think, how amazing it would be to round the corner and there they are.
Or even more intriguing, maybe it’s someone I’ve never met before but is beyond anything I ever imagined, and we can’t stop giggling when we meet because even though we’re strangers, we can’t believe we’ve found each other.
I’m open to either. I want only what’s mine.
And I think I’m ready, universe.