Man, every time I hear that Star Trek theme, I know I used to love this show and watch it a lot. But I can’t for the life of me remember anything about it except for random snaps.
Memory, has always been the most fascinating thing for me. I guess I am at heart a scientist of memory. Maybe a little mad scientist at times. But I just really want to know...
what is my question.
I ask all these questions because I’m trying to figure out my original question. And then the rest of my life is built upon that, in this grand play that is human existence.
My car had a flipout today. Just shorted out, deciding to engage a program that puts it in lock down mode as if someone’s trying to steal it. It locked down outside my gym, with my gym stuff in the trunk. It wouldn’t even allow me to open the trunk manually with a key.
You know what it reminds me of? When my brother flips out. It’s like his brain just short circuits and he needs to close down completely and reboot. And you have to give him the time and space to do that. The less space you have, the more time he needs. The less time we have to keep people away, the more space we need between him and other people. I guess that sheds light on the way I see time and space.
The tow company had to come out and jump me. It was a woman who looked and sounded like a man, but I liked her. She had an honest heart. I told her all the problems I’ve had with it, how it’s possessed like Christine, and then I get worried that she gets mad because she knows how much shit I talk about her. The woman was empathetic though. These cars are like that sometimes, she said. I could tell she was a woman who has seen her share of unbelievable things. Maybe that’s why I liked her.
I missed my building’s movie night. There was gonna be pizza. I actually got home in time to go, but just enjoyed spending time unwinding alone.
I don’t understand exactly what I am, but I give it to you straight. If anything, I’m honest. I do my best with people but people have to be a little forgiving too, because I am a shy person. I believe that the people who claim most aggressively that they don’t know me, are usually the ones who have never really asked me questions to get to know me. But they don’t see that. I am unknowable because I don’t yet know myself, but I am knowable, because my being is honest. And these two sides have waged a life-long colossal battle to touch each other, like two repelling magnets convinced that with enough effort they can touch. I refuse to buy that they can’t. That’s why I said, there’s no greater distance than between two halves of the same whole. They may be the closest to each other, but they are also the furthest away.
We are just projections of opposing polarities. Tension creates energy. Life. Anima. Animus. But each polarity is just as you as the other. You look for each other as hard on the outside as you do on the inside. Some are just more aware of it than others.