“So what’s your situation?” I ask him. He had a comfortable energy, brotherly. We were huddled together with our arms and shoulders touching–whether for warmth or conspiracy, the moment felt safe.
“Oh,” he laughs. “It’s complicated. Basically, I’m choosing between these two girls. I like them both a lot but they’re very different.”
“Well, maybe it’s not about these girls themselves. Maybe you’re triangulating something.”
He laughs nervously. “Nooo,” he said. “I’m definitely not trying to create a triangle.”
I realize he’s thinking I’m talking about threesomes or a love triangle.
“What I mean is, there are probably things you like in one girl that the other doesn’t have, and things you like in the other that aren’t present in the first. If all these things were present in one girl, she would be the perfect girl for you. So maybe neither girl is the one, but you’re using both of them to compare against each other to figure out the One.”
“Definitely,” he said. “To have both sides would be ideal, but they’re so contradictory I can’t see how they could be the same person. One girl, she’s hot, she wants me to spoil her with expensive things, she’s demanding and she’s really sexually aggressive. Then there’s the other girl. She’s amazing. She’s kind, she’s sweet, she takes care of me…she’s an incredible chef, and people just fall in love with her within like 5 seconds of meeting her. She’s the kind of girl that you set loose in a room and watch people fall for her, and you’re a better person in the eyes of other people, just because you’re the one who brought her.”
“And you don’t believe that one girl can be both?”
“No, not really. I mean, maybe, but…not really.”
I look into his eyes. I have an idea what this is about.
“How’s the sex?”
He looks taken aback and immediately embarrassed like he can’t believe I asked him that. But I know he’s going to tell me. People always tell me. Because it’s important to answering the question he’s really asking me.
“Now you’re getting me to talk about something way more personal than anything you’ve talked about,” he said. He’d been leaning against the bar standing up, but now he takes a seat like he needs to be sitting down to talk about this.
“Well, with the girl who’s sweet and caring…” He hesitates.
“It’s not very good, is it?”
I say it more as a statement than a question.
“No,” he admits. “But it’s not because of…like, anything…it’s just…we don’t have chemistry. Do you know what I mean?”
“Yes,” I said.
“It’s not that it’s bad, but you want to be with someone you have chemistry with. Where you just wake up in the morning and your first thought is how badly you want to fuck this person, if for no other reason than they’re who they are and they’re right next to you, and all you can think about is how badly you want them. Does this make sense?”
I’m laughing. He looks at me like he’s worried he’s revealed too much, but I’m laughing because I’ve got the picture.
“I know exactly what you’re talking about,” I said. “Trust me. I’m with you on this.”
I think about my best relationship with the nicest guy–people couldn’t believe how sweet and thoughtful he was. And I thought he was great. Yet…he worked at night, so most nights I would dick around, doing my thing, but as soon as he called to say he was on his way home, I knew I had 15 to 20 minutes to get in bed and be asleep, so I wouldn’t have to sleep with him when he got home. In terms of day to day compatibility, he was my best relationship. But you have to have deep passion for each other. You need to not be able to keep your hands off each other. And when the sexual tension fades (or takes a backseat) as it eventually does with all relationships, that passion for each other will drive you to find other ways of wanting to get inside each other, grow with each other, discover new things about each other. Passion intertwines you. Makes you believe in each other. You have to always have passion. And it has to be such a force in your life, that you can’t see your life without having this person by your side, and you don’t want to live a life where they’re not there to share it. Like two magnets who are always looking for any and every way to join together, every morning becomes a new challenge, a new inspiration, a new blessing for what you have, what you make, what you’ll become.
Yes, I know exactly what he’s talking about.
“I don’t think you need to worry,” I say. “Maybe neither of these girls is your girl, but I promise you, that woman you’re looking for with both these sides definitely exists. You’re just in the process of defining what you want.”
“You’re that sure?”
I look him dead in the eye.
“Trust me. She exists.”