i’d bought a prime rib that i didn’t have time to make on thanksgiving, so we invited family over to eat it last night. my aunt helped me out in the kitchen and we were talking. she’s married to my dad’s cousin and has two really cool daughters in college, but they have dropped hints that the women in the family (my aunt and my two cousins) don’t get along with my uncle. from the clues i’ve gotten over the years, they say he’s very pessimistic and controlling and my aunt has mentioned that when it comes to his daughters, “there’s a very negative male force in the house.” but it’s hard for me to have clear perspective on the bigger picture because when he’s around the rest of us, he’s very mild. he used to babysit me when i was really young, and he would bring over video games for us to play. i know he’s always been a big fan of mine, but i’ve always instinctually kept a distance from him as well, so i really don’t know him that well.
so when i mention to her that the warriors have a lot of scorpios on the team this year (i said it to her knowing her husband is a scorpio), she scoffed and said, “scorpios and all their little secrets…” i took this as an opening and asked her if her husband keeps a lot of secrets. she said, “it’s like if he holds some secret over you, he wins.” i asked her if she knows what secrets he holds over her, and she said, “nope. he just reminds you it’s there but who knows.” later, i asked my cousin, his daughter, why she and her sister had originally not wanted to come home for thanksgiving (one is in la and i had offered her a ride back to fremont but she said she had to work, and the other is in berkeley which is 40 minutes away from fremont. she had originally not planned to come home but relented when her mom asked her to and when her sister told her i was cooking). she shrugged and i asked her if it was because of her dad and she said, “Yes…”
so last night, i’m chatting with my aunt. out of the blue, she mentions, “marriage shouldn’t be for life. it should have a limited time frame like athlete contracts or work contracts. like after 10 years, you have the option of renewing the contract, or opting out. because for the rest of your life, it can be too long.”
“and if you’re young and you realize early on that you’re unhappy, it’s hard to think you’re stuck in an unhappy life for the next 50 years…” i said, and she replied, “yes!” very strongly.
“they should change the laws,” she said. “i’ve often thought about that. we’re always fighting about gay marriage laws, but the laws should change anyway. maybe start a website and get people behind it–limited contracts for marriages. so instead of having to go through the mess of divorce, all you do is opt out when your contract’s up for renewal.”
“the people in california are so liberal. they would probably be open to it,” i said. i don’t know if any of this would really fly, but what i was finding more interesting was the story behind this idea, what i was reading between the lines from my aunt.
“we could have a website,” she said. “get people excited about the idea.” she pauses, then says more quietly, “maybe have chat rooms for men and women who have been abused in their marriages so they can support each other.”
whoa. a red flag down. does my uncle abuse her? his daughters? what kind of abuse? my mind is working furiously, mapping out what i know about this household, and i choose my response carefully.
“i think there are places online now that provide support for people who have been abused or are currently in abusive relationships,” i said, not to shoot down her idea, but to let her know that there are places. i used to volunteer for a legal advocacy group to raise awareness to teens regarding the different types of abuse, particularly those that are harder to pin down but equally damaging–emotional and verbal. and i’ve done a lot of research on this topic when i was considering grad school in psychology. there are a lot of resources and support forums available for people in abusive situations, but the problem is, those in bad situations don’t often seek them. abuse can be quicksand, a hostage situation with invisible chains. hard to live, impossible to go.
“yeah,” my aunt said, and trailed off in thought. i didn’t know what to say to her, because i’ve known she’s been unhappy for years, but i don’t know the situation and don’t know if it’s really my place to ask. chinese culture has many formalities that you have to be careful with.
but it disturbed me. to know that a wife is unhappy is one thing, but if there’s abuse…
i want to spend some time with my cousins and find out what their home life is like.