genesis
even though michael had invited some people over and had me make pasta, i stayed only long enough to get dinner on the table before heading to another dinner party my dad was throwing with a group of old family friends. his friend pj is the one who has two daughters whom my mom gave my brownies to a few months ago, the story that totally cracked me up. she said i should meet them. i showed up and people were curious about me because they hadn’t seen me in a while. to be honest, people are usually curious because i’ve always been mysterious and unique, but who i really am has been emerging and it’s nice being able to show people this. the more i present like me, the more people comment on how completely different i look. they usually say, wow, how did julia turn into this? (with “this” never being specified).
my dad has made no mention of christmas eve at all this week, but pj and his daughters started talking about the brownies and what a great experience they were. pj said he believed it was better than alcohol, and i said, weed never makes you go home and want to hit your wife.
my dad always has people over to drink whiskey and smoke cigars which they were planning to do that night, but added that they needed to try my herb. he proclaimed, marijuana is a good thing and should be legalized. my mom asked him to lower his voice because we’re in a restaurant, but his voice wasn’t that loud and he was pretty determined to be brazen. then began a loud, boisterous discussion about the benefits of legalization, carried on mostly by my dad and his friends. pj’s daughter who’s going to med school said she believed all drugs should be legalized so we could regulate them, and he said he believed prostitution should be legalized as well. it was incredible. these are chinese immigrants who are conservative, law-abiding citizens, yet they were being open about liberal opinions. i’ve been to these chinese banquet dinners and parents talk over us while the kids eat quietly without making eye contact, but here we all were, sitting around a feast of lobster, crab, prime rib, abalone, shark fin and other delicacies, talking about legalizing prostitution and getting together to smoke weed. the kids at the table were looking at me, wide-eyed and laughing. this chick shows up out of nowhere, and suddenly, their parents are cool.
my mom and i had to stop by another party, so we left, planning to meet everyone back at our house. we went to my aunt anita’s. they were just playing mahjong, a game my mom told me never to learn because it’s an addiction. i hung out with my cousins joanna and steph, trying out the food they’d made. my great aunt ma, sat down next to me on the couch and reached out for my hand.
i still remember you as a baby, she said. you had a really bony butt and it always hurt having you sit in anyone’s lap. that bony butt and plus, you were always squirming.
my cousins started cracking up.
aunt ma wanted me to sit on her lap to see if my butt is still bony. this week i’m weighing in at a solid 155. she’s in her 80’s. but i sit in her lap, supporting the majority of my weight on my legs so as not to crush her. she says that my butt’s not bony anymore and i tell her i have a lot more padding than i did when i was 3.
my cousins were still laughing so i tell them that my nickname as a toddler was “vietnamese boatchild” because i was so pale and thin i looked malnourished. thus the bony butt.
aunt ma puts a scarf around me because she’s concerned that i’m cold. i thank her as she resumes holding my hand.
ever since you were a baby, you were different, she said. the way you are with people, the way you take care of people, the way you’re concerned with people, you’ve always been special. i always treasured you because you’re very pure.
i told her that i know she has watched me grow up, taking care of me when i was a child, and it meant a lot to me.
the truth is, i always remembered her. when i was young, she was the goddess in my sky, the coolest adult i had in my life. i adored her. she was perfect. but one day, she saw some baseball cards in my room and looking through them, she was really disgusted by the black people. and that really broke my heart. i couldn’t face my disappointment that she could be racist, so i avoided her and didn’t want to spend time with her anymore. now that i think about it, i stopped connecting with her for almost 20 years, because i couldn’t deal with my own disappointment, yet i never confronted her. it was a shame to have lost those years. and finally, in my late 20’s, i come home with a black boyfriend. i was terrified of how she might react, but there was no reaction. she treated him as kindly as she treated me, so naturally, i wondered if i had misinterpreted all those years ago. but i know i hadn’t. i don’t know…maybe it needed to happen. maybe the point of 20 years of separation was to have the perspective on each other and appreciation of each other that we have now. things happen the way they’re supposed to happen. i had to journey away to learn how to live with the ones i love, accept them, come back to them, and whether or not she got over those feelings towards black people, it showed how much she loved me, how she was able to see past her own resistances to be able to accept and maintain her love for me. it’s incredible to have had this kind of love in your life.
tonight was a beautiful, intimate interaction with her. i told her i’m leaving on friday, so that gives us plenty of time to hang out. sometimes i can feel the squeeze of time, the knowledge of all that you’ll never know, all the depths, all the history, that reside between people as we walk in our temporary states. these are the things you will someday lose when those who are part of where you come from pass on.
we headed home and my dad and his friends showed up. i rolled for them and they smoked. most of them had smoked it before but my dad’s best friend hadn’t so this was his first time. one of the daughters was asking me about how i make the tincture for the tea, and i explained the process. i joked that i don’t want people to think i’m a drug dealer because i only give it, i never sell it. i’m about helping people, connecting, giving an experience. a lot of my life is based on moving around and then staying in one place long enough that someone comes by and talks to me, and the person who shows up is usually the person i’m supposed to be talking to. and i have these random connections, and it’s often people who are at a crossroads in their life. so sometimes i’ll give them something and tell them to clear a 5 hour window and think about their lives and questions. my mom chipped in that when they legalize, i’m going to make a lot of money. my mom is always thinking in business terms. i do go after success, and i do need security, but i don’t often go after money. i hope to just be taken care of financially and materialistically if i do what i uniquely do best. i want to use openness and truth to heal or boost people. using weed is just an effective method to disarm defenses. but i have others.
i sat down with my dad and his friends, and talked to them the way i do. i opened up a whole world. the guys said that they were very happy, and thanked me for this experience. they said it brought them back 20 years.
back to the last time you were happy?, i asked.
yes, that’s about right, they laughed. they reminisced about when they all met, what life was like, and the things they worry about now.
i told them they need to get together more, be together, have a place of their own. it’s good for them. they said they wanted a cigar room where they could get together and just shoot the shit and smoke cigars. i told them that’s a great idea because men need caves, places that had smoke and fire, things that symbolize men’s roots, materials that made them feel like men.
my dad’s friend pj jumped up a
nd toasted me saying, you’re my kind of girl. you understand.
over cigars and whiskey, they opened up to me. and as they talked, i listened and asked questions. they kept toasting me, saying that despite having met me over the years, they felt like this was the first time they really met me. that i’ve really grown into something quite admirable. pj picked a quiet moment, then said, boy, julia, you really surprised me. to think you would grow into this. your wisdom is exceptionally deep. and for your age, to see so much. that you can speak with such truth and see things so directly is truly a gift. i thank you for this experience.
and then they raised their whiskey, and i raised my diet orange soda, and we toasted. it was a beautiful and validating thing to say.
he said that he realized i had a gift when i used one sentence to sum up something he hadn’t been able to understand for 30 years. that in all these years he’s known my father, he could never understood what connected him to my father, why he admired him so much. but when i talked about how my dad is two different people, that he’s one person out in the world but he’s a silent man at home, he realized, that’s what it is–there’s a nobility in a man who can take care of so many things in the world outside, but when he comes home, he is silent and still. i asked him if his dad was this kind of man.
no, he said. but i am.
he was happy with that knowledge. he said he felt like after 30 years, he understood why he admired my dad so much. but i realized, the truth of what happened was that after all these years, he found something about himself that he could openly admire and love. i smiled at him, told him that he was going to wake up feeling a lot better, a lot lighter, tomorrow morning.
you think so?, he asked.
definitely, i said. it’s like a spiritual chiropractic adjustment that unlocks something deep inside.
you have a gift, he said. i’m very happy. you made me very happy tonight.
the mood was so positive that when pj announced that he’s a capricorn and he’s an asshole, i told him that it’s okay because it’s kind of what cappy’s are known for. i asked my dad who else is a cappy (my mom’s brother) and he thought about it then said, oh, i don’t want to think about that guy. i told him that pj understands, my uncle is just an asshole. you can’t take it personally because he’s an asshole to everyone. but if i can find a way to love my dad and a way to love my uncle despite knowing what assholes you are, then you two can find a way to come to terms with each other. my dad’s friends said that was very true.
i told my dad that i could invite my uncle right now, and we can smoke some weed, make some peace and lay this grudge to rest. and he had a capricorn backing him up who could vouch for my uncle that it’s nothing personal…he’s just an asshole.
my dad just kind of laughed it off, but he didn’t say no.
keep working on it, my uncle pj told me quietly. don’t give up. keep working on him.
my dad’s friend kc dropped a strange little bomb later in the conversation. he told me that he understood what i meant about my dad having two people inside him. he asked me if i’ve ever gone to taiwan with my dad, and i said no. he said you have to. when you see who he is there, the way people react to him, you will be shocked, i guarantee it. whatever your dad is here, he’s something powerful in taiwan. let me put it this way, when he shows up at the airport, i had better be waiting for him. wherever he goes, wait until you see the way people react, the things that happened. i promise you, you won’t believe it.
he points at my dad. this guy, he said. he’s big.
what is he, like the godfather?, i asked.
my dad’s best friend slaps his leg and said, that’s exactly what he is.
my dad says, yeah, i’m the godfather, mockingly.
his friend says, not the godfather exactly. bigger. he takes care of many people. so many people depend on him. not the godfather, but the mafia. the whole thing, all that power. you need to see what he’s doing there. you need to show her, boss, he said. she’s your daughter.
so does he have people killed?, i asked. i’m thinking about the analogy i always used about the us government and americans, how our government lies to us about its true nature, how it’s like your dad’s a mob boss and everyone knows, but you’re his kid and have no idea your dad’s a bad guy, but everyone else does. i’m wondering if maybe all these experiences of life are just the jigsaw pieces trying to show me what mine really is. what if my life were stranger than fiction? the dragon eating its tail. and while i’d thought i was the dragon, i find that my life, my world is really the tail. who is my dad, really? because in my world, he’s my greatest mystery.
my dad makes a flippant joke about my remark about having people killed, but k.c. considers it. he wouldn’t kill anyone but people tend to go away. i’m telling you, he’s big.
i think about this evil man who messed with my family’s business the last few years, trying a corporate take-over. i remember the first time i met him, before he reached his hands into my parents’ business, when he was working for my uncle. he’s this man who looks like a rat, and he’d tried to seduce me in his hotel room while on business and it was disgusting and a joke. i never told anyone about it because i didn’t want my family getting pissed and he’d stolen some money from my uncle and run off, so it was a non-issue. but when i found out years later he had come back and somehow gotten into my parents’ company, i told them that guy is bad news. i didn’t like to be around him because he’s the kind of guy i had a feeling would end up dying a violent death. he’d disappeared the last few years as my family has been fighting in the courts to get back the shares of the company. there are lots of investing message boards speculating about the whereabouts of this man, because he’s stolen money from a lot of people over the years. the rumor is that because the sec is investigating him now, he can’t step foot in the continental u.s. first word was that he was in the bahamas, then it was that he was living in a boat off the coast of alaska treasure-hunting. but no one has seen him in years. i asked my dad, are you the reason [this guy] disappeared?
no, his friend says adamantly. your dad wouldn’t do that. my dad just smirks.
wtf? are these guys fucking with me? or has this been the secret life my dad has been hiding all these years? or what if he’s the one i get it from, this magnetism.
are you a magician?, i asked him. i’m not talking parlor tricks. i’m talking about the real thing. i’m talking about your will becoming reality. because i wonder if it’s from my father that i’ve inherited my magnetic abilities. i do notice he’s a gambler who’s always in control, yet he won’t let us watch him play, but he always comes back with wins. he’s unusually lucky. and this trip, i noticed i was calling a lot of cards, getting attention for it. during one round, i told the table not to worry, that the dealer had a 4 hidden under her Queen. and when she flipped it to reveal a 4, the guy next to me was astounded. how’d you know that?, he asked. i’m psychic, i joked, even though i’m not. i just had a feeling. i did it a few other times, calling the exact card that landed, or asking for a specific card and getting it. after a few times, the dealer said, you really are psychic. but here’s the thing–i also called a lot of wrong cards, but people usually dismiss the wrong ones as wishful thinking, but the right calls as extraordinary. and i noticed that the more i astounded people by calling the right ones, the more i was winning my hands. the trick isn’t in psychically predicting the cards…it’s using the appearance of a trick to harness other people’s belief in magic to create a magnetic storm. and using that magnetism to assert will. if eno
ugh people believe in something, it can become a collective reality, so you just have to get them to believe in the same thing. i’ve never won that proportion of money at a blackjack table before. the whole table won big. maybe my dad isn’t a lord of organized crime, but has similar magical-seeming capabilities, but his are more refined and powerful, while my abilities are still in their nascence.
so i asked if my mother knows about this side of him and they said that my mother must know. but my dad was firm about saying she didn’t. he said she’d never gone with him to taiwan, they never go at the same time.
i asked him why they’ve never gone together and he shrugged mysteriously.
i asked him if it’s safe to go with him to taiwan and see all this. like could i trust him that no harm would befall me?
he said, yes.
would you be willing to take me?, i asked.
no.
c’mon, boss, show her, his friend said. your dad has a way with people. he makes things happen.
i told them that i didn’t trust my dad to go with him to taiwan alone. i said, did you know last week i was playing basketball and he rooted against me?
oh yeah! his friend said. he told us all about it.
i was incredulous. not only did he know he was doing a really asshole thing, he bragged about it.
but he told us you beat him today, his friend said.
no, he won, i said.
we’d played one-on-one earlier and he’d won by 2 points just taking shots on the inbounds, but i had scored on all attacking drives in the paint. i had wanted to play because i needed to work on my footwork.
he told us, today, julia has finally beaten me.
i realized my dad was finally conceding that i could play, something he’d never been willing to do. i’d beaten him once before, but today i worked really hard to play at my highest level. i even blocked one of his shots so completely, it dropped into my hands.
i told his friends that i’d been training all year to get really good, outplaying really athletic men. that this former college player told me that i move better than most male athletes last week, yet whenever my dad’s watching or playing, i just can’t seem to be that person or get to that level. that i’ve always felt that he was getting into my head and subduing me.
why are you doing that? she’s your daughter, his friends said, like they knew it was clearly in character with him to somehow be sabotaging me without any overt evidence.
my dad played innocent. i told them that it’s fine though, it really pisses me off so much that he refuses to acknowledge that i’m good, and i can somehow not play to my peak level around him that it challenges me, makes me work harder.
this is the thing about your dad, his friend said. you’re his treasure. did you know he’s been a particular brand of asshole for, what, 5 or 6 years now? from about the time you really left. he’s like a dog in that he’s loyal and passionate and he’s out in the world doing all this stuff, but you’re the one he loves most. you’re his jewel, his treasure, and tonight, we can really see why. so you went away and that created this longing. and now you’re back, and he’s a different person. but also remember, your dad…he fights everyone. it’s the way he has to do it because he’s been surviving for so long. he has to protect his feelings so he’s an asshole with the things he loves most but don’t take it personally. he would follow you anywhere. he talks about you all the time and you just don’t know it.
i look at my dad who’s just smiling that happy smile but his arms are so tight, hugging himself protectively, this man child who was both the greatest sun and greatest shadow in my life. i think about the discoveries tonight, how much i have yet to grasp. he has power on par with an entire family of organized crime, and i’d been guaranteed the extent of it is awesome and unbelievable. my dad secretly messes with my head, but i’m the treasure this great man is intent on protecting. and all these men have openly confessed to understanding what i can do with people, believing it has great value in this world.
the night was happy, and featured lots of laughter. the men would start talking about a memory and that would set them off into song. in the haze of cigar smoke, i could see the life in their eyes, young hearts grasping the happiness of youth with the wisdom of now. for an evening, a beautiful bend in time.
when they left, they each came up and shook my hand in respect, bowing and thanking me, a gesture usually reserved for elders. then they hugged me as people who have shared a deep, powerful experience together.
emergence. this is me. this is what i want to do with my life.