field notes – triple door 3/13/10 (arrival 10:54pm/departure 12:14am)
If they’re watching you, even from across the room, they’ll mirror you. That’s how you can tell someone is watching you, even if their eyes aren’t on you. Or, when you make eye contact, they’ll perform a gesture to see if you mirror them. It’s to see if you are subconsciously in agreement with them. This is how they test for connection.
If you’re agreeable by nature, you’ll tend to mirror people without being necessarily conscious of it. If you tend to find yourself stuck in unwanted situations and you don’t know why or how, either your subconscious is working against you, or it’s leading you without you being fully aware. It takes consciousness + discipline to suppress the urge to mirror. You have to let yourself relax, stand your ground, solidify your core.
They say that when you write, you have to think of the person you’re writing to. One famous writer wrote from the point of view as though he were talking to his dead sister. You never fully understood who you were writing to and you’re always trying to get other people to tell you. Maybe you’re writing full circle to yourself. Like a game of telephone with yourself that travels through people’s consciousness and back to you. You always said if you lost something and it went around the world through time and space and it found you again, you would believe in god and universe. Maybe that’s your God. A full circle. That everything begins and ends, but there’s really no difference between the two. That everything is everything. Maybe you hope to find that sign of life, where one day, someone calls out your name, in a voice more familiar than time.
sometimes, it’s the moment that grips me in the throat, and i forget to breathe
When you’re in tune with a room, it’s like having a radar. And you can feel who notices you, who wants to be let in. It’s like because they notice you in a crowded room, you exist for them, and vice versa, they now exist for you. You walk into a room, and ignore everyone. And soon, there’s a tingling. A feeling of being watched. And you can feel their proximity. Sometimes, it’s just a knowing. Sometimes, it’s a heat, an echo, or a flat, dull void. And you turn your head in that direction and through the dark, are two piercing eyes. You only let in the ones with smiles you recognize.
I love leaving a place for a month and coming back. See how it’s moved. See what else I notice about it, having reset my perspective. The biggest change this time back is I can sit in a room and not care who the fuck notices me. I can be in my own world, or I can be in the collective one, but either way, if I don’t make eye contact with you, you don’t approach me. For the most part, the room stayed at bay.
Most people won’t make contact unless you’ve had eye contact with them. Learn to look at people, take in information, without making a connection.
I wondered, can I pull signals not in the room. I focused my mind on California and concentrated on, “Find me now.” Looked down at my phone. Red light blinking for a msg received. Two fish on one line coming in at 11:05pm from Northern CA, one from Curtis, one from Rie. I raised an eyebrow. Noted it in my notebook. If today is this magnetic, tomorrow should be even more interesting, given it’s an 11 day. The knowledge is dropping like snowflakes tonight.
I’ve always taught myself. I let myself lead myself. So who is it that’s handing the knowledge to me? Is it something so grand as a greater force? Or is it just me in the Future, passing it back? Have I traveled so fast that I am only a shadow, an echo, of myself? I don’t think that person has that much power or knows particularly more. That person just has wisdom from perspective, as one might if they were a bit further ahead in the story. And I have to make the right decisions, so that the things I know to be true in the future can exist as I walk towards them in the present.
Every relationship has an optimal place and condition that it inherently defines. We try so hard to force relationships into roles, particularly because society demands that of us for order, but in order for them to really activate and fulfill their highest potential, you have to look really honestly and create a space where you can accept relationships for what they are. Even if that means compromises or being unconventional.
Yesterday I got hit with hot oil on my ring finger and it left a welt. I noticed it this morning, and it’s a red diagonal slash exactly where I would wear a ring. I wonder if it’ll leave a scar. It looks like a brand. Like some mythical god branded me his. I would be very disturbed if I found myself mysteriously pregnant with a half god/half human prodigy.
But then again, the world needs a new hero.
If you put too much energy into what other people think, you’ll never even get to know what you think.
Writers are willing to see Truth. Life from the only point of view they could ever really know…theirs.
We are our own personal truths.
No one is simple. There are just degrees of blindness.
The arks are where the knowledge will be stored. Like grabbing what will be needed for a new mankind. For whatever reason, I’m in charge of information, knowledge. Understanding of humanity. A belief in innocence.
If you detach and live in your own world, but your world is powerful enough to pull people into it, does it matter if it wasn’t the original world?
Fuck, I got caught. Unwanted eye contact. Now a conversation is inevitable. At least this is like paintball. Get caught and you’re just dead in the game. Out there, get caught and you’re dead.
I just pretended I was deaf and/or foreign. First time I had the guts to commit to that. The thing about that play is, if you can’t pull it off, you’re SUCH an asshole.
Sometimes I wonder if this blog is about the things I care about, or the things I let go. Probably a little bit of both.
“Are you writing a book or something?” He was Filipino with a blue baseball cap. I smiled.
“Just a letter to a friend,” I said.
They say, “You can’t use people for sex.” And she thought, “But why else would you get close to them?”
This fucking guy ambushed a group of tall, pretty girls dressed like they just left the symphony. “I’m not like a one night stand kind of guy. I’m just a 4, you know, but this girl was an 11. So what can I say? It was like hitting the lotto! I couldn’t say no. But I didn’t want to be that guy who’s an asshole and uses girls, so I tried to call her the next day, but she’d given me that you’ve-been-dumped hotline, so I guess she wasn’t interested.”
try: cucumber mint lemonade / lavender mint water
Curtis writes: Some people just don’t know when to laugh.
I write: I think it’s a dance. Meanings and intentions with how they work between people. Sometimes people are synched at a low level but it stays consistent. Some people go through cycles of high synch and complete incommunicability. And some people just completely come from different planets.
Curtis writes: Sometimes people from the bigger planet like to bump into little planets just for fun.
This is my biggest laugh tonight. The idea that these people aren’t just bumping the people from little planets, but the planets themselves.
You have to take ownership of what you want. How else do you stand a chance of getting it?
When you refuse eye contact with people, sometimes they angle their bodies towards you, even framing the parts of their body they want you to notice.
Some people just talk in circles that go nowhere. They talk just to distract you from the fact they have nothing to talk about.
The problem is you want a Snake Eyes, Alfred and a champion. You can have it all, just not at the same time.
Do you want to be with an 11 or a 3? Do you want to reach for more or fall back? Chase? Or be supported?