Why I like big cities and to travel, arriving as a stranger? Because it hides the fact I don’t really fit in anywhere. You live in a big city, or if you’re just traveling through, people assume that even if you don’t exactly fit in here, there’s an understandable reason. You’re not from here. That explains why you seem different. But if you’re living some place, and people see you day to day and start to realize, hey, she’s different…it’s a lot harder to hide.
My own family thinks I’m an alien. Maybe that’s a strong word, but they always say, “Where did you come from?” Which says a lot when I have Michael next to me, easily taking so much of the attention off me.
When I was young, I had a power. Over boys. They did what I told them. I seemed to always get what I want. It made my parents uncomfortable, and made the mothers of the boys extremely uncomfortable. But the thing was, those boys never did anything they didn’t want to do.
First you have to understand. My dad is a lone alpha and my mother’s an alpha. What else could I have been but an alpha? I was born into my type. Put me in any group of boys my age or younger, and I would emerge with the reins. They looked at me as a leader. And because I was also born with a sunny, magnanimous personality, I wasn’t abusive with it. It was persuasion, like hypnosis. You can’t make anyone do anything they’re morally or instinctively opposed to, and I never asked that of them. The worst of it was, if they got a new toy, I said, let me see it, and it was in my hands stat. The best of it was one hell of a fucking adventure (my mom said that every party used to end up with all the boys running around the house screaming like a pack of rabid wolves with me at the front, and it didn’t stop until someone had an asthma attack or someone got so overworked their nose bled. This really embarrassed my parents, how feral I could be). I was driven by an insatiable curiosity, and they either believed in that cause or believed/trusted that following me would be to their best interest. And even if the result was we all got in trouble, they sometimes pointed a finger at me, but they never blamed me, at least not enough to not follow me again.
Well, as they say, there’s no such thing as an endless party. And that kind of power in a 5 year-old girl is probably scary, so my parents had Michael, who doesn’t do what ANYONE says. And they said, here you go, good luck.
Well, that’s not exactly how it happened but on some levels, it did. Whereas I never conceived of a force I couldn’t handle or tame, life suddenly tamed me, from every direction. And I lost my powers for a long time. I didn’t believe in myself anymore.
I’ve had some major unhappiness in my life, a lot of things that have made me look back at my childhood as being under an overcast sky. But I think about all the things that happened, and I realize that I wouldn’t be who I am today if those things hadn’t shaped me. Sometimes it’s our worst, most painful experiences that teach us the most, build the most out of us. I often think that these things do happen for a reason…maybe if my power had gone unchecked, by 3rd grade I would have been a queen bee BITCH. When you have power but lack maturity, it’s so easy to misuse power. But I didn’t have the opportunity. I learned the value of kindness, that it is the most precious thing on earth. I learned the value of compassion for the same reason. I learned about fairness, acceptance, and standing up when you get knocked down because there’s no other option. I learned sometimes it’s about giving second chances as much as it’s about getting.
3 years ago, the power started coming back. I started believing in myself again. I think it’s different now. Whereas, when I was younger, there was nothing to restrain me, the world taught me values and responsibility first, what it’s like to have no power, and be bullied for it. I was angry for a long time, I was filled with hate and vengeance, but when I understood that these things weren’t real, the past didn’t change me, didn’t brand me and I could be whoever I wanted to be, I let all those things go. It’s more important for me to feel positive, to be light. And through that transformation, I started to be able to see my potential. 3 years ago, I started to get my power back.
I would like for this not to be a trick. I’ve risen up before, only to be knocked down by people smaller than me who feared me. If the world will let me unleash, I am willing to show that I will use my power responsibly and reasonably humbly, that what I dedicate myself to is transformation in the name of healing. That has always been my chosen path. To comfort and heal. I promise I will not start a religion, though I may pass on “teachings,” but I will do my best to leave a positive and progressive legacy.