Yesterday I was very quiet. Wanted to feel silence, feel the separation of myself from what was not myself.
Being close to people is draining. Not necessarily because the people are draining me, but because it takes a lot of energy to be consistent. To continually adapt to their world and their communication in a way that validates their world and projects you as a consistent person. Even though they love you for being you, they still want to be able to recognize you from day to day.
From the airport on, people were staring. A young Japanese business man in the security line watched me walk by and swiveled his body around. He stared until I gave him a small smile. He was pretty far ahead of me, and I even got pulled for another random check, he was still standing outside the checkpoint watching me. I walked by quickly, nodding at him as I went, putting more attention into getting my bag on.
A rush of passengers came off a plane going in the opposite direction and it was the same, more staring. Sometimes a nod would get them to stop looking, but not always. Found a seat at my gate, and the Indian guy sitting opposite me was watching me, as if he was trying to catch my eye to start a conversation.
Flight was delayed by an hour. I realized I hadn’t eaten all day so I went to the restaurant. I sat at a corner table and this peppy blond girl started up in a conversation, even offering to loan me a book the next time I was in Los Angeles. She felt mildly insane to me, like out of nowhere, I had this jellyfish clinging to me.
I was the last person on the plane. The guy sitting next to me I recognized as a guy who had been watching me when I was in the restaurant. I pretended I didn’t notice and went to sleep. Woke up 10 minutes into flight in a cold sweat. Unusual. It terrified me. I’ve never gotten sick on a plane. Why would I now? This week has been hard on my body. It passed, and slept for most of the flight, before the aforementioned yelling that awoke me to find the guy in my row staring at me.
I think what it is is that people want to connect. It’s like coming home from work to find a line of people outside who want to touch you, feel you. I could barely even smile anymore, I needed so much silence to contemplate. But it was okay.
In baggage claim, I stopped a conversation between two businessmen mid sentence when I walked by. A high-school kid dropped his ipod.
The thing is, I watch it ripple through, all this watching from other people, their eyes fixate, their bodies even follow. It happens on such an instinctual level the way they respond to me. But what always surprises me, astounds me, is how I can have such an affect on people, but in hindsight, they don’t remember. For a moment, they glimpsed into my reality. But it was like a sudden dream they had in a waking moment, but one which they can’t remember.
So how can I convince them of something if they can’t remember?