Snippets from Club Manic Theatre:
Interior.Living Room. Night
[Julia enters.]
Julia: Dude, Brian, I just picked up my first spider!
Brian: WHAT???
Julia: I think I just took a huge step in confronting my arachnophobia.
Brian: OHHHH. I thought you said something about you killed a fighter.
(to Lauren)
I’m laying on the couch watching TV this morning and this bitch comes walking up to the doorway, just like this…
[He staggers through the door with his eyes barely open]
…I was up until four in the morning…….playing video games. In her t-shirt…and black panties. And I’m like, gooooood god. Jesus fucking christ, not in the morning.” And I’m like, “Girl. Pull up your panties!”
Julia: Dude. Why are you messing with me?
Brian: I’m NOT messing with you!
Julia [walking back to her room]: Whatever. I was just telling you that I picked up a spider.
Brian: That’s great!
Julia: Fuck you.
Brian (angry): What the fuck? I’m trying to tell you that’s great and you tell me fuck you.
Julia: You’re just mad that I didn’t tell you about that guy.
Brian: Pshhh…I don’t give a fuck. So next time you freak out because there’s a spider in your room, you won’t irritate the hell out of me about it.
Julia: Well, I can’t guarantee that I can do it again. This may be a one time thing.
Brian: Well if you can do something once, you can do it again.
Julia: You think so?
Brian: Yeah, like fucking a guy on a massage table and acting like nothing happened I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU PLAYED ME!!! This whole time!! You TOTALLY played that off like, that guy was gross, he was all weird and had weird shit in his house, eeeeew…and you totally FUCKED HIM.
Julia: You had no idea?
Brian: I had NO idea! This WHOLE time. You totally played it off like you were weirded out by him. You told me, I thought he was a freak, I got weirded out, I came home early and I BELIEVED you!
Lauren: But meanwhile. You fucked him.
Julia: Isn’t it weird, all the secrets people have? I have so many secrets that no one in the world who knows me has any idea about.
Lauren: I don’t think I have any secrets. I pretty much tell people everything.
Julia: Come on. You’re Scorpio Moon. You MUST.
Lauren: Well…..yeah. I guess I do have a few secrets.
Julia: Like what?
Brian: Her huge dong.
Lauren: I just shave and tuck away. Shave…and tuck away.
Julia: Why shave?
Lauren: Well…the hair gets caught in my zipper. And it’s really uncomfortable.
10 minutes later
Lauren: Okay, I’m gonna go now.
Brian (in an English Accent): Roight. Roight roight roight roight roight.
Lauren (in an aristocratic accent): Ciao! Ciao for now!
Brian: Roight, roight roight roight.
Lauren: Ciao! Ciao for now!
Brian: Roight roight roight.
Lauren: Ciao!
[Brian closes the door]
(dude. Our place? Weird shit goes down).