‘Forever’ in Relationships…
And as we make our vow
Let us remember how
There’s nothing good that lasts forever
(
From one of my favorite books, The Feast of Love (Charles Baxter):
Every relationship has at least one really good day. What I mean is, no matter how sour things go, there’s always that day. That day is always in your possession. That’s the day you remember. You get old and you think: well, at least I had that day. It happened once. You think all the variables might just line up again. But they don’t…What I’m saying is: that day was here and then it was gone, but I remember it, so it exists here somewhere, and somewhere all those events are still happening and still going on forever. I believe it.
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Nothing on this earth lasts forever. We spend so much time fighting the universe, fighting the very currents that make up existence, trying to hold on to things. We try to hold on to our youth. To our appearances. To wealth. To people. To the passion of an exciting new relationship. But life moves us forward and things change and go away. Even with relationships…either the relationship changes or the people do, often both. And it’s not because you never knew the person; it’s just that they grew, and they grew into something that is not the long-gone idea of the person you’re still holding on to.
I believe people shed layers of their beings the way snakes shed skin. We are all constantly evolving, changing, growing. And if you only cling to and “see” one layer, that layer will be so far gone, that one day when you take another serious look at this person, you’ll find yourself shocked–this person is near unrecognizable because he or she has evolved and gone through so many changes since you last really looked.
How can someone like me, who can’t help but see the transient nature of life and all the things that can not be possessed and held on to, ever in good conscience, make a long-term vow when I can not predict the manner in which our relationship will turn or our individual spirits will grow? What if I make a vow and find that years later, our partnership has outgrown its purpose and is no longer healthy and uplifting to both of us? I’ve learned, it is pointless to hold on too tight and fight the natural course of life. You will only hurt yourself and other people by doing so.
Can’t I just love you as you are now, and as our connection is now, renewing and reaffirming my love with every new interaction? Why do we force ourselves into pacts which we may not be able to uphold? I try very hard to not make promises I can’t keep. And with marriage… inherently, we are making a childish pact based on our need for earthly security. How can I in good conscience, look someone I truly love in the eye, and make this vow of lifelong and eternity when I know that in the event our connection is done serving its purpose and begins to hurt either or both of us, it must be broken? You hope that the relationship and both partners grow in compatible ways. But again, life gives no guarantees.
If I love you, I will love you forever and I will cherish our connection forever, no matter where our life paths take us, even if we are no longer together after our connection has served its greater purpose . And nothing can take away from the power and truth of those feelings.
Can’t that be enough? Please?