Looking through Facebook, I notice so many people use pictures I took of them as their profile pics. I think people like the way I capture them, the way I see them through my eyes. Which I think they should. I see people very positively, very kindly. I can always find something beautiful about a person.
When someone is my #1, they are my #1 out of 1. I am committed to other people in my life–friends, family, etc. deeply, but when it comes to partnership, there is only one spot next to me, and I take care of that spot because I respect myself and the sanctity of relationships. That’s how I honor someone I love. It’s not a matter of what I deserve. I know what I deserve. It’s a matter of who deserves me and has the means to treat me well. Too many guys make excuses when the issue is they don’t know how to treat an amazing woman right when they actually meet one. Maybe they never believed an amazing woman could be real. Every cynic is a disappointed romantic, and I’ve found disappointed romantics to be some of the cruelest of our species. Often their fear of losing her or their feelings of not really deserving her create the exact outcome they feared. They care so much that their fear takes over and they lead themselves and the woman down into a spiraling, self-destructive path. Sometimes I wonder if they wanted it that way, that it’s an actual relief. A guy once told me that being with an amazing woman who makes him want to be a better man is hard. On one hand, he can’t believe he has a chance, on the other, he knows he’ll fuck it up. He would rather be with someone who he knows he can fuck it up with and she’ll still take him back because she’s got nothing better. I don’t know. I can understand it, but it’s also sad. These kinds of guys, something’s always gotta be broken so they always have an excuse, or something to fix. They’re so afraid to fail that they would rather start with something broken. The worst is people who equate love with pain. That is never-ending. Even if you get things good, they can only feel comfortable with a level of pain or struggle, and they find ways to inject it, upset what could be a peaceful affirming balance. It’s like the only way they trust things. Leave those guys for the types of women who are also a little broken inside and can’t deal with things that are good. Life is already difficult enough. Life is already unfair enough. Only have room in your life for people who can add to it, who can make it better, who can treat you well and accept when you treat them well. Otherwise, what’s the point. Life is so short. Why make it more painful than it needs to be? Everyone needs someone they can count on. I know I really do. Sometimes I think, even if it’s not meant to be in this lifetime, I’ve been really lucky. I have an amazing family and I have amazing friends who always believed in me. Even strangers have often been there for me at some of my darkest moments. Maybe even if I don’t find my #1 of 1, I know that I was lucky, because I knew what it was like to be truly loved and appreciated by people who wanted only the best for me, and I for them. But I don’t lose hope. Not going to pay my disappointments forward. Heartbreaks are heartbreaks. You find the one who believes in himself and cares about you enough to take care of it, then none of the heartbreaks in the past even matter.
But I can’t settle for less than what is good for me.
I’m someone who mates for life. Possibly life as defined beyond just this lifetime, which I see as only chapters of consciousness. I’m not willing to give up my life tied to someone who causes me pain because he doesn’t know how or want to take care of me. Life is too valuable for that. I want someone who adds to my life, that we become bigger than the sum of our individual selves because it strengthens who we are which in turn strengthens us together. I’m not willing to give up my life by accepting something that takes away from me, making me less than who I am capable of being. I would never let someone use me to make life so small and debilitating either.