I had a dream last night that I told my mom that I’m ready for something real with someone, someone who really treats me well. So she went and arranged for a marriage between DJ and I, and when he showed up in a white suit, knowing that I had accepted his hand in marriage, he glowed, in that shy way of his. The families were ecstatic because we’re both such amazing people, and I could tell that he and I had it in us to get along well, but of course, we’d only met once before, we never dated so it was awkward. He was in the kitchen making some appetizers while our parents talked in the living room and I remember admiring him, his gentle energy, his hands, knowing that this was a man I could someday love, but again, that awkward feeling that here we were, having accepted that we would be tied together for the rest of our lives, but we barely knew each other.
I had accepted everything, but a week down the line, before the ceremony was arranged, we found out that there was something wrong with his house. It was like a faultline had split it in two, and it was not habitable. He came to our house to tell us that, and apologized sincerely, saying that he could not go through with this knowing he could not provide a solid home for me. It was very honorable and it made me realize what an honest and respectable man he was.
I was very philosophical in my dreams last night. I remember flashes of me sitting by the water, thinking through life. I remember all those times I would cringe at things C would say but not understand why, and in those moments of clarity by the water, I could see it was like talking intimately with someone while he was holding hands with another person. I always felt it, but didn’t dig deeper because I wanted to trust him. I realized that I am not accountable for his decisions or his understanding of the effects of his decisions, I could only know if he is a safe person for me or an unsafe person. After having been in that dream, standing in that kitchen with DJ feeling so safe even though I was nervous because we barely knew each other, the one thing I could trust for sure was that here was a good, considerate man who I could trust to take care of the things that are valuable to me. I had been provided an example in my dream world of how it should intuitively feel. And it felt so safe, it was such a good feeling that in a way, I understand what I’m looking for.
When I woke up, it was a really good feeling. I know the dream was not about DJ, but used DJ’s image to show me something, the way the right thing should feel. I think about how important it is, in a relationship, for me to make a person feel safe and loved, and usually how a person treats others is how they want to be treated themselves. I’ve been working hard to treat myself the same way, to give myself a safe place to explore my own hopes and dreams without being self-critical, dismissive or cruel, because on the flipside, you shouldn’t give to others expecting to get back the same if you won’t extend the same towards yourself. In that dream, it was like seeing that caring and consideration from the outside in, to see someone else treat me that way, embody that spirit of kindness, respect and protection.
I am getting very close to what I want. Because I am recognizing it on an instinctual level, and because I am welcoming it in. I feel like a ship finally approaching its harbor.